to quote Thayer "I do what I want!"

So I have a new resolve. I will call Dr. Billings in the morning and demand (yes, I said demand) that he put me on Clomid for three months. I deserve to be able to try right? Sure, the PCOS might my eggs be of poorer quality... but I just want a chance before I resort to more drastic measures! While doing the Clomid for those 3 months... I can work on getting the "drastic measures" set up if it does come to that. That will take a couple of months to get arranged anyway, so I might as well try during that time right? On a side note... I did ovulate on my own again this weekend...This may make you wonder why I need the Clomid. Not only can Clomid make you ovulate. It makes you ovulate better... more eggs, etc.

Processing it all

So I haven't written in about a week and I haven't written since my visit to the RE. I've been trying to digest and process everything that happened at my visit with the RE... and well yeah... I still don't want to talk about it. I've got a plan set in place now to achieve my dream of becoming a mother... and it breaks my heart that I'm going to have to put it on hold for now. I guess all good things come to those that wait, right?

Hysterosal-what-ogram....

Yep... infertility is a blast *sarcasm* Hey, if I don't try to laugh about it, I'll just cry about it. So... to day I had my HSG ran and I have to say... it wasn't NEARLY as bad as I thought it was going to be! It was over and done with in a blink of an eye almost. The pain wasn't bad. It was mostly like getting a pap done with a combination of moderate menstral cramping. I guess I was lucky because I've heard so many women tell me it hurts like hell. The good news is that according to Dr. Billings everything looks good. The Radiologist still has to look at the films they took. It was kinda weird to see my uterus (it looked a lot smaller than the ones they showed in the pamplet)... The dye came right out of my tubes, not problem. Basically it means that my uterus is normal, not tilted or anything, and that my fallopian tubes are open. There are no obstructions causing the eggs not to make it through to be fertilized. I go tomorrow to see the RE, so I'll probably post again tomorrow with what he has to say. I'm due to ovulate at the end of the week so I'll be peeing on sticks to see if I ovulate on my own. I will probably be starting Clomid on my next cycle... maybe I'll get a Christmas or Birthday wish to come true!

Baby... It's Cold Outside!

So I think winter has finally hit Minot. The wind is blowing like crazy... it is in the single digits... it feels like it's in the negative digits... BRRR! lol It snowed some yesterday... maybe a half inch. Come on Minot lol That's not that impressive, why don't you give these noobies a taste of a real Minot winter! Bring on the BLIZZARDS! :-P

So.. the funny thing about winter in Minot is that you're cooped up inside a lot. Guess what that leads to?! DRAMA! I think some military wives seriously get off on starting shit with other people. It's one thing if it is actually true, but if you're making shit up because your crazy or something, you need to get off Facebook and get a life! So there is at least one completely false rumor going around me right now. Military life is worse than high school sometimes and it only seems to be in the base. I didn't have to deal with any of this crap when I lived off post... but then again I didn't know that many people either.

In other news... I have a job! It's not at the BX though. I got a call the morning I was supposed to start at the BX from NAF and they wanted to hire me to work at the CDC. I took that job because it pays $3 more an hour and it is something I would enjoy more than working at the BX. (No offense BX employees). I'm still going through background checks and things. Hopefully I will have all of that sorted out by next week.

I go in next week to have my HSG done. I'm so mad at myself though, because I forgot to go in on Sunday and have my bloodwork ran! I guess it will just have to wait until next month. I also go in on the 23rd to see the RE. I hope that everything goes well. I'm ready for some good news. I should be able to go on Clomid after the HSG results come back and I get my period again. Maybe I'll have an awesome Christmas or Birthday present this year! Here's to hoping!

What else... the dogs are doing well. Kaia loves the cold and Myst hates it. Kaia loves the snow and Myst just looks at me like "you seriously want me to put my paws on the cold wet crap." She just looks so annoyed with me, like I can do something about it. Kaia's birthday is next week. She will be one year old! She has now reached her adult height but she can bulk up and put on more weight up until she's about 18 months old. Right now she's sitting at 44lbs, which is not nearly as big as we thought she would be. Her mommma and daddy were both about 70lbs.

Infertility means you're always the bad guy

So I've come to see that being infertile and going through this hard journey means you're always the bad guy. Everyone else is always inherently perfect and you can just never measure up to them and their egg producing, sperm swimming, baby making perfectness.

You tell someone that you're sick of them bitching about their kids all the time --- you're the bad guy because you've NEVER been a parent and don't know the hardships of being a parent.

You tell someone that is prego that you can't take them bitching about being pregnant anymore --- you're the bad guy because you've never been pregnant and don't know how hard it is dealing with morning sickness and feet swelling and aching boobs.

You tell someone that is prego that you can't handle their ever status updating being about their pregnancy --- you're the bad guy because you're obviously not happy for them and if they were in your situation they wouldn't feel like that. It's not that I'm not happy for you, its that I'm heartbroken for myself because it should be my turn, damn it. And honestly, unless you've been in my situation you don't know how you'd feel so just stfu on that note.

You tell someone that is prego that you're going to delete them off your facebook because their status updates are hurting you and making you sad --- they get mad at you because... well I don't know why, but the just get mad at you.

You can't get pregnant --- you're the bad guy because you're husband deserves to be a father; he would be a great dad, but once again you're a fucking failure because you have jacked up ovaries.

You tell someone that it's unfair for them to leave you out of things just because you aren't a mother --- you're the bad guy because how dare you want to spend time with other adult women even if they do have kids.

You try to offer advice to friends tha are parents --- you're the bad guy because you're not a parent and therefore know absolutely NOTHING about being a parent... nevermind the four year teaching degree you have and the years of experience you have in working in a day care... NOPE you've never popped a kid out of your vagina therefore you know NOTHING about raising a child.

Yep... you heard it here first... I'M THE BAD GUY! I'M always IN THE WRONG!!!

This week on "As the Ovaries Turn...." lol

Just a little update on the ovaries... I started Provera last week because AF had been missing. Based on that, I will be going in Monday for my CD3 bloodwork and on the 22nd I will most likely have my HSG. The following day, the 23rd I will see the RE for my first consultation. Thayer is going to see if he can take a part of the day off because I'm not supposed to drive after having the HSG ran. If not, I might have to con Brianna into taking me :)

I also got a job at the BX... so I hope they work with my schedule. If not, I guess I won't be working there. I mean, the RE only comes to Minot every 3-4 months and they HSG HAS to be ran on CD10... I'm not going to wait around for a few months for them to schedule me a day off. Becoming a parent is more important to me than having a job. I don't "need" a job, I wanted one. We're doing fine as far as money goes, I just like having my own money and feeling like I'm contributing. Anyways, I should be starting in about a week. They're waiting on my background check to go through. I really really hope that the CDC, Youth Center, or the Library call me back. They all have my application under review.

I also need to call UND and have them adjust my schedule for my Master's classes. I'm going to drag out getting my degree for another semester because I don't want to take 9 credit hours next summer and I don't think I'm going to be able to take 2 of the classes I need to this spring. As long as I'm carrying a part-time load I should be good.

The Patriot in Me

Well today is Veteran's Day. I always thought I was a patriotic person. I knew the Pledge; I sang the "Star-Spangled Banner." I did the flag salute at camp. I know the words to Taps. I can tell you about US history. I loved and respected our military and all that they have and are doing for us. I NEVER wanted to become a military wife. Believe me, I always swore I would never ever marry someone in the military. Then that thing called LOVE happened and now I sit as the proud wife (and daughter)of a US Airman. Words cannot express how becoming part of the military "family" has changed me. I see the ins and outs of military life. I see first hands the ups and downs of military life. Often those that serve here at home are forgotten, but they're no less important than those serving aboard. Yes, there job is less dangerous, but it takes everyone working together to keep us safe and free. Military life has not been an easy adjustment for me. I felt so alone for so long, but even when I felt most alone and isolated from my home and family I knew I was doing something great. I was supporting the love of my life while he defends and protects our nation. I love him more than words can say. He's an amazing man, he's an amazing Airman!

The song below tears me up. I pray that I never have to go through losing my husband. I can't help but cry when I hear this song. All the men and women that have sacrificed their lives for me and my family... words cannot express what a special place they have in my heart.

This song also hits home for me... Freedom really doesn't come free and I'm sure we're all guilty of taking what we have for granted at some time or another. And finally, some pictures of my own personal hero... Senior Airman T.O.!

Life in Fast Forward!

So things are starting to go in fast forward... Lots of things going on!

So tomorrow I get to go to the dentist for a cleaning... lol that's not too eventful.

Tomorrow I also have a job interview at the BX. The CDC also called me Saturday night and asked me if I was still interested in a position. I would really rather work at CDC than the BX, not only because the pay is better, but also because I have more experience in it.

I also got an official appointment with the RE. I was on the appointment waiting list, but they called me Wednesday morning and I am going on the 23rd of November. I also started Provera yesterday so I can have my period. When I do get it, on day 3 I will have bloodwork done and then my HSG on day 10. The RE has 15 pages of paperwork for me to fill out for my first visit! lol They ask some pretty private questions and it was a bit embarrassing to fill out. I guess that's one things that goes along with infertility treatments, you lose a lot of your modesty because you have all kinds of people looking up your girl parts. I'm just glad things are getting moving. Because of my scheduled tests I probably won't start Clomid until December... lol just in time for Christmas. I'm going to have a rough holiday as it is being away from my family and then throw some medication that messes with your hormones and makes most women 10 times more moody than they are when they PMS... well that's just a recipe for disaster! lol I'm just hoping that I might be prego for my birthday! Wouldn't that be great! Oh well, we'll have to see if the Clomid works. If it doesn't then I work with the RE and get more treatment!

Let's see, not a lot going on with the dogs. Kaia was really dumb the other day and pooped in her cage, which wouldn't have been so bad if she hadn't of eaten it. Not only did she eat it, but it made her tummy really upset and she puked it up all over my house and her cage. It was so awful cleaning up puked up poop! I have a tough stomach, but I gagged a couple times. It was awful. Myst is doing really well. She seems to be pretty happy and moving pretty good all these months after her surgery. She still favors that leg sometimes, but you can tell that she's living in a lot less pain and that's what really mattered to me. I'd rather have her limp a little bit and not be in pain than be in constant pain.