Going on 3 1/2 Years -- The Journey

I recently subscribed to a new online magazine called Still Standing. It is for women (and men) who have experienced pregnancy/infant loss and/or infertility. So far, since the launch on May 5th, they have had a few posts that I've really enjoyed reading. They are doing a Blog Hop and I'm choosing to take part in it. The subject for this this month's blog hop is "The Journey."

My journey began in 2009. We decided after had our wedding (we eloped Oct. 2008 and later had a wedding for our families) on June 5th we would go ahead and forego birth control. At that point we had been married almost 7 months. Because of my PCOS, we had anticipated it taking us sometime to get pregnant. I visited the clinic on base (Minot AFB) and was placed on Metformin to help keep my cycles regular with my PCOS. After going off birth control and going on Metformin my cycles were fairly regular for about 6 months. The first few months weren't so bad. We had hope that it would happen eventually, that it would just take some time. Then my periods started getting more and more irregular. It was like a cruel joke that mother nature was playing on me. Each month I would be late, each month I would take a test, and each month I would be disappointed. I would shed some tears, pick of the pieces and prepare to start over again for another cycle. It was a vicious merry-go-round that we couldn't escape. My husband, bless his heart, tried to understand. To this day, I don't think he fully comprehends everything because he's not the one broken.

About 5 months after we started trying I saw an OB/GYN for the first time to seek treatments. He basically treated me like shit and blew me off. He told me in not so many words, that I was fat and needed to lose weight. He refused to treat my PCOS, he refused to do anything until I lost at least 25lbs. I cried all the way home after this appointment. It was disheartening and made me feel even more horrible. He did order some tests to be done. Bloodwork for me and a semen analysis for the hubby. It took me almost 6 months to get the hubs to take his test. The first time they sent him to the wrong lab and by the time he got his sample to the correct one it was too late. The second time he went to the hospital and was going to do it while there to make sure it was a viable sample. Well, the lab proceeded to send him to a public restroom with stalls to make his deposit. He just couldn't do it (and who the hell could blame him!!). After that fiasco it took me a couple of months to convince him to try again. (His results were all normal, and confirmed that I was indeed the failure in our relationship.)

By that time, I had finally gotten the nerve to see another OB/GYN who was much more understanding. The new OB/GYN ordered a hysterosalpingogram for me to see if my uterus and tubes were okay. My uterus was normal and my tubes were open. The new OB/GYN referred me to the RE who visited Minot every 3-4 months. I went to see him and he basically told me that I had to lose weight as well before he would treat me because the success rate would be much better. Yay... once again I'm too fat to be a mom. My OB/GYN agreed to try me on Clomid for 3 cycles to see how I responded.

I started my first cycle in December 2010. It was a monitored cycle. I produced some really great follicles. We had timed intercourse. My OB/GYN offered to give me a trigger shot, but I wanted to try our first cycle "naturally" to see if the follicles would release on their own. They did around CD17. This cycle resulted in a chemical pregnancy.

We immediately went into our next cycle. I again was monitored and again produced some good folliciles. We decided since I ovulated fine the previous cycle we would again go without the trigger shot. I kept waiting to ovulate then finally I called my doctor around CD18 to tell them I had not ovulated on my own. He told me I probably wouldn't and to just wait until my next cycle and we would start again. I ended up ovulating late (CD19).

I conceived on Feb. 23rd. Yes I know the exact date. I found out March 10th that we were expecting our first child. After nearly two years of trying, our dreams were finally coming true... or so we thought. We told my parents and I blogged about it. We were sooooo happy!! We loved that child more than most people can imagine.

All of our happiness was cut brutally short, however, when I woke up spotting blood. I went immediately to the ER (alone might I add). They ran an internal ultrasound, but it was too early to really see anything. They did bloodwork that indicated my HCG levels were low for how far along I should be. They also later notified me that my progesterone levels were low. We were losing our dream. The doctors wanted me to pass our baby naturally. I wrote several blogs during this time. It was a very difficult time for me. I became very depressed. I bled for just over 6 weeks and it was a constant reminder that my baby was dead. I wrote about passing the baby in a blog as well. I now have a tattoo on my back in memory of my baby (and other important family members that have passed away). It has been a little over a year since we lost our baby and may people don't consider our baby  to be a baby. They believe he or she was just a group of cells. To Thayer and I... that baby was real. We never got to hold her, but we loved her nonetheless.

After losing our baby, I decided to make a drastic change. I decided that maybe I should listen to the doctors. Maybe I was too fat to be a mom. I decided to presue weightloss surgery as a treatment for my weight issues due to my PCOS. At first I was going to get the Lapband, but later decided that gastric bypass would be a better choice for me in the long run. I knew that having the surgery would mean having to stop TTC. I knew that we would have to put our dreams on hold for at least a year, but I thought that the benefits would definitely outweight the difficulties. I had my surgery Sept. 7, 2011. Since that date I have lost 90lbs. I also went off my BC recently to see if I was ovulating on my own. I found out that my ovaries are now working on their own! We may not even need treatments to conceive now. We are still making sure to wait our year of being post-op to try, but it is nice to know that my body is now functioning properly!

**Update 7/23/12 - I have now lost 101lbs. I have an appointment scheduled with an OB/GYN for August 16, 2012 to makes sure all of our ducks are in a row to start trying hard in September.

**Update 8/17/12 - I had my appt. yesterday with the OB/GYN. He's super awesome. He listened to everything I had to say and answered all of my questions. He really put my mind at ease about some concerns I had regarding my surgery and it's affects on TTC and pregnancy. He thinks that I am/will be fertile on my own because of the weightloss, but because of my history of infertility he agreed to try 3-6 months of Clomid (50mg on CD5-9). He thinks we will have a BFP by Christmas time!

**Update 11/11/12 - On CD15 of my third round of Clomid. I'm waiting on ovultation. I've gotten my LP up to 13-14 days which is much better than the 11 days it was hovering at. I'm starting to get concerned about my uterine lining as my period this last month was very light.

**UPDATE!! - BFP on 11/25/12 - 12dpo!!!!

**UPDATE!! - Found out 12/30/12 that we are having TWINS!!

This is just a glimpse into my journey. I have many, many posts about infertility and pregnancy loss. I linked a few of them in the body of this blog as well. I love comments and I'm open what people have to say. I write to try and help people understand and help other infertile women feel less alone. If I can/have helped one person than all this blogging has definitely been worth it!