This week on "As the Ovaries Turn...." lol

Just a little update on the ovaries... I started Provera last week because AF had been missing. Based on that, I will be going in Monday for my CD3 bloodwork and on the 22nd I will most likely have my HSG. The following day, the 23rd I will see the RE for my first consultation. Thayer is going to see if he can take a part of the day off because I'm not supposed to drive after having the HSG ran. If not, I might have to con Brianna into taking me :)

I also got a job at the BX... so I hope they work with my schedule. If not, I guess I won't be working there. I mean, the RE only comes to Minot every 3-4 months and they HSG HAS to be ran on CD10... I'm not going to wait around for a few months for them to schedule me a day off. Becoming a parent is more important to me than having a job. I don't "need" a job, I wanted one. We're doing fine as far as money goes, I just like having my own money and feeling like I'm contributing. Anyways, I should be starting in about a week. They're waiting on my background check to go through. I really really hope that the CDC, Youth Center, or the Library call me back. They all have my application under review.

I also need to call UND and have them adjust my schedule for my Master's classes. I'm going to drag out getting my degree for another semester because I don't want to take 9 credit hours next summer and I don't think I'm going to be able to take 2 of the classes I need to this spring. As long as I'm carrying a part-time load I should be good.

Life in Fast Forward!

So things are starting to go in fast forward... Lots of things going on!

So tomorrow I get to go to the dentist for a cleaning... lol that's not too eventful.

Tomorrow I also have a job interview at the BX. The CDC also called me Saturday night and asked me if I was still interested in a position. I would really rather work at CDC than the BX, not only because the pay is better, but also because I have more experience in it.

I also got an official appointment with the RE. I was on the appointment waiting list, but they called me Wednesday morning and I am going on the 23rd of November. I also started Provera yesterday so I can have my period. When I do get it, on day 3 I will have bloodwork done and then my HSG on day 10. The RE has 15 pages of paperwork for me to fill out for my first visit! lol They ask some pretty private questions and it was a bit embarrassing to fill out. I guess that's one things that goes along with infertility treatments, you lose a lot of your modesty because you have all kinds of people looking up your girl parts. I'm just glad things are getting moving. Because of my scheduled tests I probably won't start Clomid until December... lol just in time for Christmas. I'm going to have a rough holiday as it is being away from my family and then throw some medication that messes with your hormones and makes most women 10 times more moody than they are when they PMS... well that's just a recipe for disaster! lol I'm just hoping that I might be prego for my birthday! Wouldn't that be great! Oh well, we'll have to see if the Clomid works. If it doesn't then I work with the RE and get more treatment!

Let's see, not a lot going on with the dogs. Kaia was really dumb the other day and pooped in her cage, which wouldn't have been so bad if she hadn't of eaten it. Not only did she eat it, but it made her tummy really upset and she puked it up all over my house and her cage. It was so awful cleaning up puked up poop! I have a tough stomach, but I gagged a couple times. It was awful. Myst is doing really well. She seems to be pretty happy and moving pretty good all these months after her surgery. She still favors that leg sometimes, but you can tell that she's living in a lot less pain and that's what really mattered to me. I'd rather have her limp a little bit and not be in pain than be in constant pain.

Adventures in Infertility - A New (and Hopeful) Beginning

So my visit to the doctor was actually really great. I found out today that I'm not pregnant. Yes, that was depressing... but not as depressing as I thought it would be. Dr. Billings was awesome. Must more helpful and kind than Dr. Bozeman could ever dream of being. At least now I have a game plan. I'm going to share it... so please don't read if you don't like the following words: period, ovulation, ovary, uterus, vagina... or any other female related words... or if you don't want to know about my reproductive organs and what my plans for them are.

My infertility game plan:

1. I am going in at the beginning of Nov. to have a hysterosalpingography (HSG) ran. In this test they will inject dye into my uterus and do a series of xrays to determine if my uterus is normal shape/size and if my Fallopian tubes are clear and free of scar tissue. The HSG must be ran on the 10th day of my cycle... meaning I have to start my period for it to happen. I was due to start today, but haven't yet. Dr. Billings does not want me to go past the beginning of Nov. without my period. If I don't get it by Nov. 1st I am supposed to call his office and get Provera to bring on my period.

2. If my HSG comes out normal they will do blood work and start me on Clomid.

3. Dr. Billings wanted to do 3 months of Clomid to see how it worked then he would refer me to a Reproductive Endorcinologist (RE) BUT since the RE is going to be in Minot in November (he only comes once every quarter) he went ahead and gave me a referral for a consultation! This made me really really happy... I'm not going to have to wait around forever in order to get things moving. Everything is going to be set up and moving relatively fast.

4. The RE will be able to help me more than just and OB/GYN because, like the name says, they specialize in reproduction.


If any of y'all ever have any questions please let me know... I'm pretty open about this stuff... and the more you know, the more you'll be able to support me as I go through all of this!

Determined

So this month I am determined to have a good... no GREAT month! So far it has been a good month, though it just started.

Oct. 16th is Thayer and I's anniversary. The last 2 years have had their ups and downs. I'm not going to lie... we've fought, we've yelled, we've said mean things to each other, but we have also loved, cared, hugged, kissed, and grown a lot closer. It's amazing how the one thing that makes me so sad can actually make a marriage that much stronger. Battling infertility has changed my view on so many things. I know that going through this battle together is only making our relationship stronger. I love my husband. I may bitch and complain about him at times, but I will always love him and I couldn't imagine my life without him in it. I can't wait for us to have children. I think a child can be one of the ultimate forms of love. A child is a way for us to be together forever, even after we're gone, our love will always be carried on. For our anniversary I'm thinking about getting us a couple's massage from the spa downtown. lol That would be a treat for both of us and a day that we can relax and just enjoy being together. I'm sure I could use some down time.

I go back to the OB/GYN (a different one this time, thank GOD!!) on Oct. 21st. My bought with Provera is over and I'm curious whether I will ovulate this month. I'm betting not. I'm also curious if good old AF will visit me in a timely manner. I just want my body to get all straightened out again like it was when I first went of BC. Hopefully, Dr. Billings will finish up my testing and start me on Clomid. I'm so ready to get the ball rolling again. I'm also planning on having a wine night at my house prior to this doctor's visit. I want to clear all of the alcohol out of the house and really commit to this baby making again. I had kind of given up because I knew I wasn't ovulating, but now that there might be hope and a chance of getting pregnant I want to be prepared. Also, I'm not supposed to drink on my medicine (oops lol). Alcohol also does funny things to women with PCOS. We're kind of like diabetics in that aspect because of the insulin resistance. I will continue to cross my fingers and hope for the best because there isn't much more than that to do.

I'm sure there are other things going on this month, but at this early hour (1:35am), I am drawing a blank.

School is going well. After this semester I will be over half way done with my Master's program. I'm set to graduate December 2011.

We should hopefully know something about Thayer possibly deploying by the end of the month. I hope we know something soon because it effects my plans for school

Infertility is not for the weak!

** Disclaimer: some of this may be TMI **

So, I have decided that this whole getting pregnant thing, I'm going through way more hell than Thayer. Because of my PCOS, I'm going through significant emotional and physical stress.

Physically, there are the medications. The first one I was placed on was Metformin. It all began fine, then they ramped me up to 1500mg a day. This made me ill. I was nauseaous and had the poops... so they reduced it down to 1250mg. I did better on this, still had the poops, but the nausea was gone. I stayed on this for months and months. I literally had the diarrhea for like 8+ months. Then about April I gave up. Before we could progress any further in our fertility treatments, Thayer needed to go in and make a donation of his "little soldiers." He kept procrastinating and finding excuses as to why he couldn't accomplish this. I think 1. that he was scared that there might really be something wrong with him and 2. that he didn't want to believe that we were having trouble starting a family. It was a hard pill for him to swallow. It seemed like it took me forever to get him on the same page as me. He kept saying that he wanted to start a family, to have a baby, but I couldn't get him to commit to going in and having his analysis run. So after months of having the poops I decided to say fuck it. Why should I have to endure that if he's not willing to jerk off in a damn cup? My periods were already starting to be jacked up, and after going off the Metformin, they became really jacked up. Thayer did finally go in and do his business. He came back 100% okay, just as I predicted.

The second medication is Provera. Provera is the devil... again I say... Provera is the DEVIL! Provera is bascially hormones (Progesterone) that helps to regulate your period. You take it, and then a couple days after your last pill you are supposed to start your period. The doctor put me on this because I had been on my period for about 3 weeks - Yes, this means bleeding for almost 3 weeks straight. While on the Provera it stopped and then when I went off it, the next day good ole Aunt Flo came back... and that bitch came back with a VENGENCE! OMG, I normally have cramping but a Provera induced period is something that you can't really comprehend unless you have been there. At times I can literally feel contractions, that's how hard I cramp. It's brutal and I have a REALLY high threshold for pain (I walked on a broken foot like 3 days after I broke it because we didn't know it was broke). Last night, I was hurting so bad even after taking 800mg of Ibprophen and laying on a head pad that I was in tears.

There are numerous other aspects of physical hell that come along with PCOS, but that is for another blog.

After you get past the physical torment, there is still the emotional torment. I'm just going to provide you with a few examples:

1. Feeling like a failure - You feel like a failure to just about everyone. The first person, your husband. Sure, he loves you, but you can't give him a family and can't be sure that he will ever be able to have a child of his very own. You feel like you're letting him down and depriving him of something. You also feel like you're letting your parents down. You want so bad for them to have another grandbaby, someone else for them to love and dote on, but your body just isn't letting you have it. Lastly, you feel like a failure at being a women. I mean, originally what were women put on this earth to do? "Be fruitful, and multiply." Well... infertility kinda take me outta that "multiplying" equation.

2. Feeling in adequate - You feel like you're inadequate, that somehow you are less of a women because you cannot have children.

3. Feeling bitter and jealous - You constantly feel bitter and jealous. Bitter because you can't have a child (at least not right now) and people that don't deserve one can. By don't deserve one I mean people who will abuse their children, or expectant mothers who take drugs or drink alcohol. Then when you get past the bitterness there is the jealousy. You're jealous of women that have children and take what they have for granted. You're jealous of women who are pregnant just because they're pregnant and they have what you want. (I know it sounds petty, but it's true.)

4. You can't watch TLC without being pissed off or crying your eyes out - You can't stand to watch all those damn baby shows because all you can think about is "Damn it, why can't that be me??!?" Then you go back to being angry and bitter!

5. Frustration - You feel frustration on many levels... Level 1: "Why won't they damn test just so 2 pink lines already." Level 2: "Why the hell can't people understand what I'm going through?" Level 3: "Fuck Everyone!" lol No but really, a lot of frustration is involved. Your frustrated with yourself because you're "broken." Your frustrated because your life isn't going how you planned. You're frustrated because people don't understand and a lot of them don't even try to understand. You're frustrated with people telling you to "relax" or to "not stress" or that "it will happen when it's meant to happen" or "get drunk, everyone gets pregnant when they're drunk." None of these little gems of advice is going to make my jacked up ovaries magically pop out an egg. Believe me, if getting drunk and being a drunken bitch every single day for the next month could ensure that I got knocked, you can bet your sweet ass that I would be a drunken bitch every single day.

I could go on and on and on... but I hope those of you that care (or even those of you that don't) can understand me and my disease a little better. Also, if you ever have any questions, feel free to ask. I'll tell you all about my jacked up ovaries and hormonal imbalances!