365 Days... Surgiversary

Today is my surgiversary. One year ago I embarked on a journey that has changed my life beyond belief. In the last year I have gone from wearing a size 22 to size 10. I've lost over 100 pounds. I'm happier and healthier. I'm more confident. My back rarely hurts. I enjoy exercising and can do an hour of cardio at a time. I still have my issues like when I look in the mirror I still see a person weighing over 200 pounds. In the last year I've only gotten sick twice. I credit that to the weightloss as well. I've had no complications other than the standard vitamin deficiencies, which have now been taken care of. Most importantly, however, is the fact that I am now ovulating on my own and on my way to becoming a mother again. I know that when I do get pregnant I will have a much healthier pregnancy that someone who is morbidly obese. All my risk factors for blood pressure issues and gestational diabetes have now been virtually eliminated. I can't begin to explain how much better my life is from a health standpoint. This really was one of the best decisions I ever made and I don't regret it for one second.

Dropping Again

So I have finally gotten off my weightloss plateau (which is pretty typical to hit around the 6 month mark according to people in my support group). I have started dropping weight again. I'm now at the 90lb mark! I'm super excited that I'm losing again.

I said a long time ago that when I hit my goal and get done losing weight that I want to do boudoir pictures! I CAN'T wait to do this either. I want to feel gorgeous and sexy! I really want to do them before we move, but I think I'm going to go ahead and wait until I'm a year post op. Maybe that way they can be a Christmas or birthday present for a certain husband. :)

I really like how much more confident I feel. I have so much more energy. I tolerate the heat a LOT better. I just feel way more healthy overall. For so long I wondered if I had made the right decision to go down this road. I know now, for certain, that this was the correct path for me. I know I will be healthier over all and that will make me a better mom when I can start TTC again. Yes, I had to put off TTC and becoming a mother to get a million times more healthy, but it was the best decision I ever made. I can't wait to have a cute baby bump instead of just looking fatter. I can't wait to have a healthy pregnancy and baby. I can't wait to **hopefully** get pregnant all on my own without fertility drugs or other assistance.

Shrinkage!

As of this morning I am down 45 pounds. I always drop really fast right after I start my period. I suppose it is because I'm so bloated. Anywho... I thought I would share a before and after 45lbs. It's pretty crazy! I've gone from a size 22 pant to a size down to an 18. I've gone from a 44C to a 40C bra size. I will be under 200 for the first time since high school by my birthday, maybe even by Christmas. I was kind of scared to share my actual weightloss numbers, but I think I will now. All my life I've been picked on because of my weight, even though I was pretty happy with who I was. Before surgery I was at 256.6lbs. I am currently 211.6lbs. I have lost 45lbs in 11.5 weeks. I can't believe how much more confident I already am! I'm proud of myself and the journey I have chosen to take. Other people can kiss my ass :)

This was taken Feb 2011 (Before)

This was taken Thanksgiving of this year (2011). (Current)

Glad This Week Is Over. Period.

For lots of reasons I have had a very rough week. It's just a lot of little things piling up and feeling like I have no where to turn.

First of all, things have been really rocky with Thayer and I. We've been having a lot, and I mean A LOT of issues. We're considering marriage counseling, even though I believe counselors are mostly quacks. I've never really had a good experience with one except when I was in elementary school. I'm not sure what the best solution will be. I don't want to give up because it's worth the fight. Just some of the things that have happened, wow.

I've been having trouble dealing with my surgery and the common side effects. It's making beyond frustrated to feel this tired all the time. You would think that dropping 30 pounds would give you more energy, but every day I feel like I've ran a 5k marathon. I talked to the surgeon when I had my 6 week check on Thursday, but he said it was normal because my body is trying to learn how to sustain itself from itself. Because I eat so little, I'm living off of the stuff that already exists in my body. It hasn't been fun. It hasn't been easy. I've encountered a few food that have made my tummy upset, but I've done  good with most foods. Today I ate half a lean pocket and boy was I a sick chica for a while. So needless to day, I've been irritated by not having any energy and feeling tired all the time.

I've also had some issues with dealing with my infertility. Just a lot has happened this week to remind me over and over again what a failure I am. It's been really hard to look at the bright side of things this week. Lately it's been really hard to deal with the fact that we can't even think about trying for another 11 months. I can't help but think about my baby. I would be almost full term now. I know I should look at the "good" things in my life. And believe me I try... but sometimes it's hard. Really Hard. Unless you've been through infertility and/or miscarriage I just can't explain it. There's just something about remembering the due date or seeing different things at Facebook that just tears at your heart.

I've also been really homesick. I miss my friends back home. There's just something about having someone you feel comfortable around no matter what and you know you can call at any time. There's just something about someone you've known for most of your life that can't be replaced. I may not talk to them all the time, but I know they love and care about me no matter what happens.

All in all... I've felt very irritated, frustrated, alone, upset, sad, run down, etc. Oh... and to top it off I'm PMSing because it's about that time. Yay! *rolls eyes*

Sorry for the depressing, bitchy blog... but yeah.

That Time Again...

Thursday I go back to Bismarck for my 6 week post-op check. I'm going to be sure to talk to them about my energy level. I hope that they will run some labs to make sure I'm not getting anemic or completely dehydrated. I knew it would take a while to bounce back, but working has been really difficult. Even after a 6 hour shift I'm beat and come home and take an hour long nap then go to bed at about 10pm. I want to be able to exercise more, but it's so difficult when I'm worn out from just going to work. Granted, I have a fairly physical job. Taking care of 10 one year olds with one other person isn't always an easy task. Hopefully by the time Thursday rolls around I will be at my 30lb mark. I'm just about there; only a pound and a half to go. I'm trying to think of something to do in Bismarck so I'm not just driving for 2 hours for a 30 minute appointment then driving another 2 hours home. I think I'll hit up Petco. I can't/refuse to do any clothes shopping. Lots of people keep telling me that I need to go out and just buy new clothes (some of the ones I have are starting to look baggy and not so hot). If I go out and spend money on new clothes I'll just have to do the same thing again in a month or two. That adds up to a lot of money REALLY fast. I think it's pointless to go buy new clothes at this point. Not when I have another 70+ pounds to go until my goal. I think it would be awesome if I met and exceeded my goal. I really really want my weight to level out around a year mark of post-op. As soon as my weight stabilizes we can go back to TTC. Time will tell I suppose. There's no way to hurry it up. I just gotta keep doing what I'm doing.

In other news... (yes... the following paragraph is bitching)
I just want to say that it REALLY REALLY annoys me when people say they are going to do something then don't do it or don't show up. It's rude. If you say you're going to do something then do it. It's not that difficult. I also am extremely annoyed by people who are CONSTANTLY late. Late for anything, work, get togethers... etc. What makes them think they're more important than everyone else? It just seems that way. Oh look... I'm more important so you have to wait around on my slow ass. I was always taught... if you're early your on time, if you're on time you're late. lol ok... that's enough bitching for tonight.

Husband Vent.

So... things have been kinda rocky in life lately. I'm not really sure what it is. Maybe because my body is in turmoil. Maybe because my head is in turmoil. I really don't have the slightest clue. In many ways I'm not being myself, and that bothers me.

Thayer and I have been going through a rough patch for a couple of weeks now. He's PMSing and I'm just bitchy a lot. Obviously that makes for a bad combination. Don't get me wrong, he was great right after I had my surgery... then he started to be not so great. Instead of helping me around the house he was constantly on his computer because he was on leave and that gave him the right to do whatever he wanted to do with little regard for me. Needless to say this led to a fight. Hell... he did it today again. He's spent a total of maybe 30 minutes with me all day today. I don't know what to do to fix it. I've asked him to play games with me. That's a no go. I've asked him nicely to spend time with me. I'm ignored. I'm just at my wits end and want to bash his computer apart. He wants a new video card for the computer so he can play his games better. Hmmm I wonder why I keep telling him no? I'm SICK of working full time, going to school, and doing EVERYTHING around this house when all he does is go to work 8-9 hours a day. Things are not equal and that's really starting to get to me too. I feel taken advantage of. I feel used. I feel like I'm just here to be at his beck and call. It's so incredibly frustrating. Sure, I didn't mind that when I wasn't working. I did it because that was my job. Keeping the house clean and food on the table was my JOB. Now that we're both working full time things should be more divided but they aren't and I fear they never will be. I feel like I'm raising a 25 year old child. I'm sorry, that's not my job. It's even harder for me to get everything done now because I'm tired ALL THE TIME. I eat/drink about 600 calories a day. That's it. On top of that I exercise so my body has what 450 calories a day to function. That's not a whole lot in the grand scheme of things. That's like one McDonald's hamburger worth of energy a day.

Judgmental Much?

One thing I'm finding is how judgmental people are of individuals that have had weight loss surgery. I guess it kind of goes along the same lines as people being judgmental of those that are overweight. Everyone assumes that people are overweight because 1. they're lazy, 2. they have no self-control, 3. they don't eat healthy and eat mostly junk food.... The list of assumptions goes on and on. People don't stop to consider there may be a medical condition underlying their weight. It could be a thyroid issue. It could be PCOS, which is an endocrine disorder. It could be any variety of different reasons. I'm not denying there are overweight people that are lazy, have no self-control, and eat nothing but crap. That, however, is not the case for everyone. For over a year I ate between 1500 and 1800 calories. I also tried to, more often than not, eat healthy foods. Lots of fruit/veggies, good protein, whole grains.... etc. Additionally, I exercised on top of having a fairly active job. I guess if you want to call that lazy and lacking in self-control then go right on ahead and do so.

Now I'm finding there are people that judge those that have gastric bypass in the same negative light. People think it's the easy way out. (Not so.) People think that those that have it are again, lazy. (Not so.) Some people don't have any other option. Some people work their ass off to lose weight, like me, and have NOTHING to show for it. I wish some people could take a minute to get off their high horse and step down to earth and take a walk in someone else's shoes for a change. Maybe I never should have started writing about my surgery journey. Maybe I should have just kept it all a secret and just let people assume I was losing weight the old fashioned way (which didn't work for me). It's so annoying to have people look down on you. It makes me sad.

Yay for Mommy Time!

So I've been on a bit of blogging break. My mom got here Tuesday night and we've been having fun hanging out. I love my mommy and I can't wait until this summer so I can live closer to her and the rest of my family (well... some of them.) Admittedly, there isn't a whole lot to do around here, but we're definitely making the best of it.

Things are going great surgery wise. I still haven't had any problems with any food. I'm still losing weight. I've been pretty tired as of late. I usually take a nap everyday. I really have to start stopping that. Part of it is because I haven't been able to get all my vitamins filled because they don't carry them on base and I forget to take them into town with me when I go.

Better than I Thought

So... tomorrow will mark 3 weeks since surgery. As of a few days ago I'm down 20.5 pounds. I haven't weighed myself in a couple of days and I know I'm a bit bloated because AF should be showing up any time now.

Looking back at the journey I've had thus far, I can honestly say it has been 100 times easier than I thought it would be. I haven't had any complications. I rarely feel hungry. I literally have to remind myself to eat. I haven't had trouble with any foods so far. I'm starting to really get my strength back. I go back to work next week and I'm sure that will make me pretty tired. Chasing a bunch of one year olds after surgery is sure to tucker a person out. Surprisingly, I'm doing okay with the not being able to try for a baby thing. I thought I would have more trouble, and maybe as time progresses I will. As of right now, I'm so delighted when I step on the scale that I forget about it. I know I did the right thing. I know I will be healthier in the long run. Isn't that what we all want? To be healthy and happy for our children.

I know November is going to be a bit rough. My due date is fast approaching for when Baby Hope would have been born. It's a day that will forever be in my memory 11/11/11. It also happens to be Veteran's Day. I've been invited to a couple of baby showers around the time of my due date. I think I'm just going to have to tell them I can't go. Sure, I will feel like a bad friend. Other people will probably think I'm a bitch. At this point I think my own personal happiness and sanity is much more important. I have to stay positive. I have to keep moving forward. No regrets... just the road ahead of me.

Also, Thayer and I's third anniversary is less than a month away. I can't believe it has already been three years. We've been through a lot... a LOT. Infertility, miscarriage, major surgery, military... the list goes on and on. Honestly, I think we are 100% stronger for all that we've been through. Yes we fight. Sure we're not perfect. But I think we're perfect for each other. Sometimes we get on each others nerves. Sometimes we yell. But in the end we always kiss and make up and everything is okay. I love Thayer and I'm not sure what I would do without him by my side.

*yawn*

So... yesterday was an eventful day. I went to the Fall Festival on base and worked the MESC booth for about 3 hours. It was pretty hot out. Then I went home and took a nap. Martha and Crystal woke me up and we went to Hobby Lobby to shop. After shopping, we met a couple of friends at the bowling alley downtown and bowled 3 games. Yep... I overdid it. After I got home I felt like I got hit by a truck. I know I need to start really getting my strength back. I'll be going back to work in a week and a half and it's not always easy keeping up with ten 1 year olds. I thought I could handle it because I had been doing so well, but I pushed it a little to far. I felt much better today, however. I did a good portion of my homework and I helped Thayer clean the house. My mom will be here Tuesday night!

Recheck!

So tomorrow Thayer and I are driving to Bismarck so I can have my post-op recheck. I think things are going splendid. Nothing I've eaten so far has given me any trouble. I'm now able to eat foods that are easy to chew so I can make sure I'm chewing them up really well. The only concern I have that I'm going to bring up is by one of my incision sites I feel a pain like something is pulling when I move around too much. I'm not sure if I just over did it yesterday with all the cleaning and scrubbing I did or of there is something amiss. I'll just be sure to have them check it out.

As of this morning I am down *DRUM ROLL PLEASE* 19.6 pounds!

Yay! 

Seeing the pounds steadily drop is making dealing with not being able to try for a baby a lot easier. I know my time will come. Every day I step on that scale and see a difference is one day closer to me having a HEALTHY pregnancy... and a HEALTHY baby. Sometimes I got so caught up in wanting to have a baby with my husband that I forgot about all the risks of being overweight and pregnant. It will be so nice not to have to worry about that. It will also reduce my chance of miscarriage because being overweight increases it as well as having PCOS. I will have eliminated one of those obstacles and my PCOS will more than likely disappear when I hit my goal weight! So... here's to the road ahead. Life is a highway and I know I'll eventually reach my desired destination!!

538 Days

So... 18 months after my surgery... Approximately 538 days from today...  Thayer and I can start trying for a baby again. In some ways that seems like forever, especially when you've spent the last 2 1/2ish years trying to conceive and have a healthy baby. In other ways, I know my body is going through a stressful time and I know the end result from the surgery will be amazing. I won't have to worry about all the complications (and there are TON) that come with being overweight and pregnant. I won't have to worry about my health as I age. Women who have PCOS are more likely to develope diabetes, especially if they're overweight. Basically I just did something amazing for Thayer and I's future. Some days it is hard to see it that way. Some days I still cry for the baby that should have been born in just a couple of months. I just have to keep looking at the positive right? I just have to keep moving forward. As of this morning I am down about 14lbs. That's.... AWESOME. That is over 10% of what I hoped to lose. I'm going to try... I mean I REALLY need to try and limit myself to only weighing once a week. I just get so excited and it is so much easier to look at the positive of this time off TTC when I see those numbers dropping every day. Over on the right hand side of my blog I'm keeping a ticker of my weightloss as well so I can keep track of my progress!

Surgery and stomach wise things are going better than I honestly thought they would. Today I went to the BX and we bought some items for my mom's visit. She's arriving on the 26th! I got on the elliptical for a few minutes and I also tried some new foods in my new stomach. Today I tried Broccoli, Cheese, and Potato soup, Mac & Cheese, and orange juice. I haven't had a problem eating anything thus far. I'm so ready to have some chicken with some buffalo sauce, but I know that's a long time coming. It will taste soooo amazing when I get there. Oh and I really want a Chicken Ceasar Wrap from Rockers. I just have to keep following my rules. I don't want to mess this up!

It's Been One Week (Almost)

Tomorrow will mark one week since my surgery. In the last week I have lost 9.4lbs. Pretty nifty huh? Part of that is the surgery and part of that is the only thing I'm consuming is apple juice, water, chicken broth, and jello. mmm yummy right? Tomorrow will be a big day for me. I get to start eating pureed food (think baby food). I'm so ready to have something more. Since surgery I haven't felt hungry and that seems really weird.

Surgery Story!

So I checked into the hospital Tueday night just after midnight. They required me to take a shower with their "special" soap to prep me for surgery the next morning. They then went over a lot of information and I signed a lot of papers.  The nurse also started my IV which took 2 pokes in my left forearm and digging around... when that was no good then poked the top of my hand by my wrist. They also weighed me. This took a while. I finally got to sleep around 3am. Sleeping was pretty difficult because I was anxious, worried, etc.

Wednesday morning around 9am a nurse came in and told me they would be down in a couple of minutes to take me to surgery. Sure enough about 10 minutes later they were there to wheel me down. I kissed Thayer goodbye and off he went to the waiting room. I went to pre-op where I waited around for about 30 minutes before being transported to the OR. They situated me on the operating table, gave me the goofy lalaland shot (if you've ever had surgery you know what I'm talking about) and I was out like a light. The next thing I know I'm waking up in recovery. The nurse asks me how I'm feeling and I told her I hurt. She asked me every couple of minutes how I was feeling and I kept saying that I hurt. Finally she popped off "Well of course you hurt. You just had surgery." If I knew the bitches name..... Anywho, after I was semi-coherent they wheeled me back to my room where Thayer was waiting for me with flowers. Most of the rest the day is pretty fuzzy as I slept most of it. At the end of the surgery I had a catheter, 6 incisions all from 1/2 to 3/4in long between my chest and belly button, and a drain tube coming out of my abdomen.

Thursday.  At this point I'm still on my pain drip (yay for morphine!) I was allowed to get up in my room that day. I sat in the recliner twice for about 30 minutes. I was super drowsy still from the pain meds. I was also able to start on clear liquids again.

Friday. Today was a rough day. They came and took my catheter out so I now had to get up to go to the bathroom. Getting up when lying down when you have your stomach cut open in 6 places isn't exactly a joy ride. They also took my morphine drip away and I was required to get up and walk laps around the halls at least 4 times. It was a painful day. I also started to spike a fever which by the end of the day had gone back down.

Saturday. I got to go home! I was doing well with my liquids. So they sent me on my way at about 11:30am. We stopped in Minot at CVS to fill my pain meds and other prescriptions. By the time we got home (I think Thayer chose the bumpiest road in Minot) I was almost in tears with the pain. I laid down on the couch and that's where I've been pretty much since.

Today - Tuesday again! :)  If I'm sitting or partially reclined I can get up on my own with little to no pain. If I'm laying down I still need help from the husband with the *big* (giggle) guns. (If you know my husband you know how not big his guns are). I've been doing good keeping my liquids down. I've only had a few bouts of nausea and that is mostly when taking my medications.

Anywho... 6 days post op and I'm already almost down 10lbs. I'm ready to get out and get moving again but I know the healing process will take a bit.

On a super awesome side note!!! My MOMMY is coming to visit me at the end of the month. I'm super excited to see her. I know it hasn't been that long since I was home in July but sometimes a girl just needs here mommy and after having my stomach cut apart and flip flopped all around and put (kinda) back together I deserve some momma time!