Be Thankful Challenge

This month I'm going to try to actively participate in the "Be Thankful Challenge." Each day during the month of November I will write about one thing that I'm thankful for. It could be something big or small. Something that means a great deal or is relatively insignificant. What matters is the fact that I will be looking at all of the things that are good in my life and not focusing on the things that aren't going the way I want. I'm going to try really hard to look at all the things I should be happy to have instead of dwelling on the things I don't have (e.g. a child). I'm going to be posting these each day on my Facebook and I will probably compile them weekly here on my blog instead of making a post each and every day.

Challenge Day 1

Today I am thankful the Clomid prescription that I refilled today. I am hopeful that this might be THE month. In the same line with the prescription, I am thankful that my body responds to the Clomid. There are so many woman who don't have the option to take Clomid or whose body doesn't respond to it. At least I'm lucky enough to have a body that responds to it.

1DPO

So I'm pretty sure I ovulated yesterday. I'm not 100% sure though. I never got a positive OPK, but this month I had to switch brands and learned that the ones I bought aren't as sensitive as the ones I was using before. I did have a temp rise this morning, but I also got up later than I usually do. Yesterday was CD18 so it would have been pretty typical of me to ovulate then. I usually ovulate around CD17-18. I don't know if Clomid made a difference this month. We did baby dance pretty much perfectly (1 day before and the day of ovulation). This month I used SoftCups again. I also have been taking B12 to help with my lining. I've also been taking my iron and multi-vitamins/prenatals. We couldn't have done things any more perfect. I know even with everything timed correctly there is only a 20-25% chance that we will get pregnant. I just wish it would happen already. I know I should be happy that I'm finally ovulating on my own. There are plenty of women out there that aren't that lucky. One of these days it will finally be my turn. I just wish that day would hurry up and get here already.

I really need something to finally work in my favor. I really need to get pregnant this go around or next month so I'll be ready for teaching jobs come next spring. I know it sounds ridiculous to be planning that far ahead, but I have to think about the future. I can't put my life on hold anymore waiting and hoping to be a mother. I just have to keep plugging away and know it will happen when it happens.

Tokens of Fertility

A couple of years ago a woman I met while my husband was stationed in Minot learned about our troubles in trying to have a child. She had experienced infertility herself with her last child (she had just had her 4th). Secondary infertility was really hard for her to deal with, especially when the other 3 were so easy to conceive. After hearing about our troubles, this fellow military wife gave me a gift. She gave me a fertility goddess necklace that someone else had passed down to her. She felt it gave her good luck in getting pregnant as she was finally able to conceive within a couple cycles of wearing it after an extended time before. I was so thankful for her gesture I cried and she cried and we hugged and cried. This all happened right before we were getting ready to begin our first medicated cycle at the beginning of 2011. I wore the necklace, things went well and I conceived on our second cycle of Clomid (while wearing the necklace).

Prior to our first medicated cycle I also purchased a fertility bracelet for myself. It is made of different stones that are thought to increase fertility as well as having a charm for the same purpose. At the end of the blog I will explain all of it with the pictures if you're interested in reading all of it.

Now, that I've explained all of this. The other day I was looking through my jewelry box and came across my bracelet and necklace. I immediately put the bracelet on, but held off on the necklace for some reason. Last night, I started feeling "superstitious" for whatever reason and decided that I had to wear the necklace as well. I will not take it off until I have my dream. Thayer helped me put it on last night and I hope that once again it will bring is good luck.

Just like the women before me, once I have gotten pregnant and carried my baby to term I will find another woman to pass off my fertility goddess necklace. I already have a few people in mind if I happen to get my dream before they do.

On a separate but related note, I'm worried about the future. I keep thinking and planning ahead and this is just causing me a great deal of worry. Let me explain. I will graduate in December with my Master's in Special Education. This spring I will begin looking for and hopefully get a fulltime teaching position as a Special Ed teacher. This being said. If I get pregnant in the next 2 cycles I will have the baby during next summer and will be okay to start school immediately in the fall as a teacher. If I do not, however, I will be due in the fall which isn't good when trying to land a teaching job. I mean really, what school wants to hire a teacher that couldn't work the first month of school or would have to take maternity leave at the beginning of the first semester? This really throws things off. So, do I keep trying for my dream to become a mother or do I put things on hold after 2 more cycles to set up for a teaching job? I could really use some advice!

Tonight is also my last night of taking Clomid. The side effects haven't been nearly as bad as before. I've had a few hot flashes and some headaches and a couple of bouts with nausea. All and all, much better than when I was on it before. Onward and upward with the baby dancing soon!


Now, more about the fertility necklace and bracelet for those interested...

Fertility Goddess Necklace - it is in the shape of a pregnant woman. The pearl represents the head and the turquoise is the pregnant, extended belly. With this particular one, most people wouldn't know it was a fertility necklace unless I told them, and I'm thankful for that.

Explanation of Stones:
Turquoise provides protection, grounding, strength, courage, love and luck.Turquoise is also a token of friendship. Perhaps it's strongest ability is for alleviating negativity. Many Indian tribes associate Turquoise with fertility.
Freshwater Pearls: Symbolize tears, provide love and fertility as well as the prevention of negative events.

Then I also have the bracelet. I think it's pretty and most people would just think of it as fashion jewelry. Again, it doesn't look like anything fertility related. Mine is made up of 3 different types of stones: Moonstone, Aventurine, and Clear Crystal Quartz. It also has a charm on it of a butterfly.

Explanation of Stones/Charm:
Moonstone has a reflective and calming energy by balancing emotions due to stress and anxiety. It is said to have the power to grant wishes. Moonstone is often used for fertility and infertility as it is said to regulate a woman’s menstrual cycle and boost female energy. Moonstone is a love stone, and is said to draw love to its wearer. It can help solve problems between lovers. If it is worn during sexual intercourse, it not only can make the woman very fertile, it is said to help impregnate her too. In addition Moonstone is used to promote grounding, protection, sleep, luck, selflessness, hope, clarity, and safe childbirth.

Aventurine is is used to encourage pregnancy and enhance fertility. It is considered a the stone of love, which can boost all feelings and emotions, and also promote optimism and self-confidence. It is also believed that this stone can help to win over the heart of the loved one. It is also used to promote friendships, happiness and increasing luck.

Clear Crystal Quartz is a stone of power. It has healing, protection and balancing properties. It is also used in maintaining your body’s immune system.

Butterfly charm is a symbol of the fertility of the earth and rebirth. It is believed that butterflies are actually spirits that bring the hope and promise of rebirth and new life.

One Day Down...

I started my meds last night and so far so good. I haven't really had any side effects yet, but that doesn't mean I won't over the next few days. If I remember right, the last time I was on it the side effects didn't really start until 3-5 of taking the meds. I hope that, that isn't the case this time because I'll be at my internship on those days and I don't want to be miserable when working with challenging children. I don't know how good my patience will be when I'm feeling under the weather. I'm hoping for the best, however.

I'm really trying to have hope that this will be our month. I'm going to try not to think about it and just try to "relax." lol. Did I seriously just say that? It would be really good timing if I were to get pregnant this time around because I would be due in June and I would be ready to start school and teaching in the fall right away. It would be really bad timing if I were to get pregnant a few months from now and be due in August or September. I'm not sure what school would want to hire me if that were the case. *sigh* Why can't I just be normal?

On a side note (TMI warning), I think the increased vitamins really helped my cycle this month. I had a slightly heavier period. It was spotting for one day, medium flow for 2 days then light flow for 2 days. That's much better than 2 days of spotting, one med. flow, 1 day of spotting like it has been the last couple of months. That just lets me know that my lining is thicker because there is more "flow" being released.

I'm Not Responsible

After Saturday I am not responsible for the things I may say or do. Yesterday was CD1 so at bedtime on Saturday I will begin the evil pills (aka, Clomid). I'm dreading it and I know Thayer is too. I'm mostly dreading the side effects. That's why I'm going to take it at night. It's going to be rough going to my internship not feeling 100%. The last time my side effects included nausea, vomiting, hot flashes, and terrible mood swings. Maybe they will be better on a lower dose. I will definitely let you know how things are going. I just hope that I only have to do one month of Clomid. I'm ready to just move on to the next stage. It's my turn to be pregnant already!

One.. Two.. Thirty-Eight Strikes You're Out...

Yep, cycle 38 is a bust, or at least I'm 99% sure. About 20 minutes after my last blog where I was very hopeful I went to the bathroom and guess what I found on the TP? I was spotting a little brown. There still isn't a lot of spotting. It isn't even enough to require a liner. It's just there when I tinkle and wipe.

FML. I'm so sick of this rollar coaster crap. I'm doing everything right. DAMNIT if a 15 year old can "accidently" get pregnant why the hell can't a 27 year old woman with a Master's degree accomplish it? Life is so unimaginably unfair. I take good care of myself. I eat good because I have to. I take all my vitamins so I don't get sick. I'm doing it RIGHT. Why is it always the people who do things wrong that get rewarded? A crackwhore that's a mother... really? How is that remotely fair or "just?" It's not. Simple as that. I know... I know... no one ever said life was fair, but this is getting damn ridiculous.

So I guessing come Thursday or Friday I will have my first full day of "flow" so it will count as CD1. Then the plan begins. Clomid 5-9 with my extra B6 and Iron along with my prenatal and Women's One-a-Day. (Yes, 2 multi-vitamins because I require 200% of all vitamins because of the malabsorbtion.) Hopefully B6 on it's own instead of in a B-Complex will help with my luteal phase and the iron will help my lining because I think I was borderline anemic before I started taking it. Technically today is CD29 and I'm 11dpo. Blah.

Lovin' It!

So I had a great visit at the OB/GYN today! I love my doctor. He really listened to everything I had to say and put all the concerns I have to rest. It was such a great visit, especially compared to the bull I dealt with up in Minot. Because of the weight loss, he thinks that I will be fertile all on my own. He did agree to put me on fertility medications (Clomid) for 3-6 months to just help things move along faster.

He told me that the reasons my periods are so much lighter now is because of the weightloss but it's not really a concern. The reason it isn't that big of a deal is because fat produces estrogen which causes the uterine lining to build up much thicker, now that I've lost so much fat I don't have as much estrogen production to cause the lining to be overly thick like it was before. Also, the reduced estrogen production is what is really helping with my PCOS. He's not worried about my progesterone dropping and causing miscarriage again because of how much more healthy I am now. He also thinks my luteal phase is still long enough to enable me to get pregnant.

So, with all of that, next month I will start one Clomid again. I'm should be ovulating any day now, so it is too late for this cycle. I will be on it for CD5-9 which is different than when I was on it before. Last time I was on it for CD3-7. The main difference between CD3-7 and CD5-9 is follicles. On CD3-7 you produce more follicles but they will be less mature and on CD 5-9 you produce fewer (possibly only one like a "normal" person) but it will be much more mature. Also, this time I will be starting on 50mg. Last time I was on it I was started on 100mg. He is starting me out at a lower dose because he doesn't even think I will technically need the medication.

I can't even begin to explain how happy I am about finally getting quality healthcare. The medical care in North Dakota was a complete joke.

So, the doctor thinks we will have something to celebrate by Christmas time! Here's to hoping. Keep your fingers crossed for a little baby Olin on the way in the next few months!

Femara vs. Clomid

So I think I'm going to change my fertility plan once again. I've been doing a LOT of research about different medications. I recently read a blog about the differences between Clomid and Femara -- There are 3 parts (Part 1, Part 2, Last Part). I definitely think Femara is going to be a better choice for me at this point so that is what I will be asking my doctor for. Both medication essentially do the same thing, but in a different way. The main reason Femara will be better for me is that it has a shorter half life than Clomid (half life = the amount of time it stays in your system). Because Clomid stays in your body's system for almost double the time that Femara does, it can affect your uterine lining and make it thinner because it blocks estrogen for longer. Femara leaves your system faster so it has little to no affect on the lining of the uterus. Lately I have been having trouble with my lining being too thin due to my mal-absorbtion issues from gastric bypass. I believe that Clomid would probably only complicate this pre-existing condition. It is something I will definitely discuss with my OB/GYN. Femara is more expensive out-of-pocket than Clomid, but as long as I get it filled before our insurance runs out in September I should be good to go. I'm just hoping my doctor will go for it. Some doctors won't prescribe Femara and make you see an RE for anything more than Clomid. I probably won't do monitored cycles, due to the insurance issues, but I know when I ovulate so it's really not that necessary as long as everything continues to go as it has been.

Nausea, Hot Flashes, Fatigue... OH MY!

Well I'm just getting ready to take another 100mg of Clomid (yay... not). I feel so sick already. Work is going to be brutal tomorrow. Yesterday I was a raging bitch. I will even admit it. I was horrible, and Thayer put up with me. He HATES when I'm on Clomid because I go from happy and laughing one minute to ripping his face apart the next. Everything is heightened. Today I wasn't a raging bitch... I was just whiny and emotional. I cried a couple of times. Once was because I wanted to cuddle and Thayer didn't. Another was over something stupid.

I did do something funny though. I made Thayer take a vitamin. I figured if I have to pop all these pills to try and get pregnant he might as well have to take something as well to increase his sperm production and increase their motility. So... he's taking a multi-vitamin. Vitamins C, E, and B12 are all thought to help increase sperm count as are Selenium, Zinc, and carnitine.  His multi-vitamin has all of them in it! Yay for more sperm! Also, Thayer is now banned from taking long, hot baths until after I have ovulated. Just like hot tubs, long hot baths can kill swimmers because they get overheated. ...

Sorry if all this is TMI about my husband's junk... Remember I'm Crazy Clomid lady and I don't care what you think right now... bwahahaha!

Now if only the Clomid will help my body do it's job.

Adventures in Clomid

So about 2 hours ago I took the first pill of my final cycle of Clomid. So... here goes another month. We shall see if it works and makes me ovulate. Clomid working is defined by whether it makes me ovulate or not... NOT if I get pregnant or not. Logically speaking, even with the Clomid the swimmers still have to find the egg and there is only what... a 25% chance of that happening each cycle. lol... mini-rant there I guess. Clomid "working" shouldn't be defined by whether you actually conceived because it doesn't make the sperm find the egg, it only ensures that you produce an egg.

*yawn* I took like a 2 hour nap this evening. It was a long work week. I've applied to a few other jobs. I just keep crossing my fingers and hoping that I get something. I'm not sure how much longer I can handle working at the CDC. I keep hoping that they lift the hiring freeze for the school district so I can substitute teach or get a job as a paraeducator. Guess only time will tell with that. Public school is starting late here because of the flood. Guess it is just a waiting game now.

School will be starting for me again soon. It sucks that I'm not able to take the two classes I need downtown at, but what can you do? Hopefully I will be able to get them done next spring along with my "scholarly project." The scholarly project for my Master's in basically taking the place of writing a thesis. I guess we shall see how that goes as well. In some ways I would almost rather just write a thesis paper because I'm a beast when it comes to writing papers... but I think I would get more out of doing the project.


Interesting Fact: I'm supposed to ovulate this month on the first day I ever say my now husband face to face. August 17th I flew to ND and met my husband face to face for the first time in 2008... then we got hitched October 16th of the same year. Almost 3 years of marriage so far!

Last Ditch Effort

So I'm going to town today to pick up my last and final refill of Clomid. I am expecting AF this coming Friday based on my date of ovulation. There is just a teeny tiny chance that I could have gotten pregnant this month. I ovulated and got home within the same 24 hours. The chances are pretty narrow, but I guess we shall see. When I ovulated it hurt horribly bad... lol Not sure if that is a good thing or a bad thing.

I'm dreading the Clomid again because I know how sick it makes me. Thayer is dreading it because he knows my mood swings are only going to get that much worse. Thayer and I both agreed to give getting pregnant (and staying pregnant) one last shot before surgery and having to postpone TTC for 18+ months. It's hard to think about giving up my dream for that long. To know that there will be no hope of me becoming a mother all those months, but I guess in the end it will be worth it if we don't get pregnant in August. Then I can't help but be worried if we do get pregnant in August. I'm so scared of being pregnant again. I'm scared that another one of Thayer and I's babies will die.

So... here's to another month of Clomid... another month of mood swings, nausea, headaches, and hot flashes.

A Journey through Infertility....

So... if you're new to my blog or don't know me too well... I'm going to fill you in on my fertility journey.

At the age of 22 I was officially diagnosed with PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome). I had lots of trouble with my periods for years before then. I was put on birth control at the age of 14 because I was having so many difficulties. I knew going into my marriage that we would have trouble conceiving. I even warned Thayer.

Thayer and I started trying to have a baby about 7 months after we were married (June 2009). When I went to the doctor and told him we were TTC he put me on Metformin to try and help me have a regular period, etc. In Oct. of that year I saw an OB/GYN who basically refused to treat me. He wanted Thayer to have a semen analysis. It took me nearly a year to convince Thayer to have this done. Everything checked out fine with him. I then went back to a different OB/GYN. He referred me to an RE and discussed putting me on Clomid. I had an HSG ran and began my first cycle of Clomid in January. During my Clomid cycles I had to have 2 Ultrasounds. I just finished my second cycle of Clomid and it apparently worked this time.

I know my fertility journey isn't as hard or bad as other people's... but it doesn't mean it wasn't emotionally taxing on me and my husband. I hope people can be happy for me. I want people to be happy that my journey through infertility might be over. I don't want people to think that I'm gloating. I'm not... but I deserve to be happy for something I have longed, cried, and hoped for, for nearly 2 years.

Don't You Hate It When You Pee On Your Hand?

So... once again is that time of the month that it is time for me to start peeing on things once a day (sometimes twice). *sigh* lol I'm ready for this ride to be over. So I get to pee on OPKs (for the fertile people in the audience, those are Ovulation Predictor Kits). These little sticks will tell me when my body is fixin' (yes, I said fixin') to pop out a little egg (or two). In combination with my ultrasound on the 16th... we will know if I have any mature eggs and approximately when they will be released. This will help us time our baby-making sessions to optimize the potential for getting pregnant. Ahh... the joys of infertility.

I think the worse thing is that every time I go in for an ultrasound I have 1 or 2 new people looking at my girly parts. Kinda embarrassing... This last time it was a guy and he was really professional about it... but it is still weird! In the last few months I have had like 10 people other than my husband in or around my girly parts. Thayer thinks it's a little funny when it's a girl doing it because... I guess it fullfills some sick lesbian thing in his head. One of these days I'm going to make him go along with me for one of my ultrasounds so he can see what a walk in the park it isn't.

I'm hoping that getting the stomach flu during the middle of taking my Clomid didn't screw everything up this month. I had to take it about 12 hours late on the day I was sick because I couldn't keep anything down. I just kept waiting and waiting until I knew I was holding at least something down. I took it late, but at least I got to take it and I know that I got the full dose.

How Many Eggs... One Egg... Two Egg...

So tomorrow I go in to have an ultrasound done. Today was CD1... for those who aren't on the up and up of infertility/fertility terms... that means Auntie came to visit me. I have an appointment for 9:15am tomorrow at the hospital to get it done. They hopefully will be able to tell me a little more about my eggs, how many potentials we are looking at. Then on CD3 I will start my Clomid. Fun times to be had, I'm sure. I go back in on the 18th and they will tell me how many "mature" eggs I have. Usually a person only releases one mature egg at a time... with the Clomid there is a good potential that I will produce more. After the Clomid is done, it is baby making time. Woo Woo!

Who's Excited For Their Period... ME ME ME!

Ok... so for once I'm excited to get my period. Yes, I know I'm a freak. Why would someone who is trying to have a baby be excited to get their period... well....! I know I'm not pregnant so now I'm just waiting for the Provera to work and make my period happen... then I can start Clomid and have my ultrasounds done! If I start on the next couple of days I should be able to pee on a stick right around my birthday. If I'm not prego I can drink my ass off and forget about it OR if I am prego I can be super happy on my birthday. So... THREE CHEERS FOR STARTING CLOMID.... HIP HIP HOORAY.... ok... that's enough.

Snow Snow go AWAY

Blah... sick of winter already... only 4 more months to go! I think I have seasonal mood disorder!

Anyways, it has been a while since I last wrote, so I thought I would fill y'all in on what is going on in my life. It is now December and yet another year is coming to a close... I'm hoping 2011 will be a wonderful year!

So, I will start Clomid this month. I am waiting to go in and have my pregnancy test done because my ovaries decided to work on their own this month. I got an LH spike on my OPKs this last weekend... so maybe this month I will be extra lucky and get prego on my own and not even have to take the Clomid! Yeah... right... I'm never that lucky. So, basically to get the Clomid I had to go behind my REs back and just deal with my OB/GYN. I don't feel bad because I'm getting what I want! I deserve to be able to choose what I do with my body. It's my choice if I want to try Clomid before doing more evasive procedures and that's exactly what I'm going to do. Again, if it doesn't work, I'll move on to something more drastic. So... please keep your fingers crossed that this month will be the month or the Clomid will work for me! For the Clomid, I get to go in on CD1 through CD3 (CD = Cycle Day) and have an ultrasound done and see if my eggs are growing. Then I take the Clomid CD3-CD7. Then I go in on CD13 to see how my eggs are... then they hubby and I have "happy time" every other day from then on. Having "happy time" every other day is the best way to try and get prego. Maybe we'll get a little Christmas miracle... or maybe I'll by Thayer's sperm a map to my eggs for Christmas and I'll get a birthday miracle. (My birthday is Jan. 29th).

Lets see... enough about my ovaries! I start at the CDC on Tuesday. I'm hoping I like it. We really don't need the money, but it definitely will be nice to put a little extra in savings and put some away for my student loans when I finally get done with school.

This school semester is almost done, but I have decided to extend my education by one semester so I will actually graduate May 2012. The main reason for this is that I have to go back and take 2 undergrad classes: Reading and Math methods. Because I have a degree in secondary education, to get my degree for K-12 Special Education, these are requirements. I really can't take these this Spring like I was hoping because of starting work. Hopefully, once I have some time in at the CDC and see how awesome I am, they will work with my school schedule.

Hmmm... what else? Cataclysm (the new expansion pack for World of Warcraft) comes out next week! I'm really excited. I love playing it with Thayer and it's really fun playing with some of the guys Thayer works with and their wives! They're really cool guys and it was awesome having them over for Thanksgiving.

Adventures in Infertility - A New (and Hopeful) Beginning

So my visit to the doctor was actually really great. I found out today that I'm not pregnant. Yes, that was depressing... but not as depressing as I thought it would be. Dr. Billings was awesome. Must more helpful and kind than Dr. Bozeman could ever dream of being. At least now I have a game plan. I'm going to share it... so please don't read if you don't like the following words: period, ovulation, ovary, uterus, vagina... or any other female related words... or if you don't want to know about my reproductive organs and what my plans for them are.

My infertility game plan:

1. I am going in at the beginning of Nov. to have a hysterosalpingography (HSG) ran. In this test they will inject dye into my uterus and do a series of xrays to determine if my uterus is normal shape/size and if my Fallopian tubes are clear and free of scar tissue. The HSG must be ran on the 10th day of my cycle... meaning I have to start my period for it to happen. I was due to start today, but haven't yet. Dr. Billings does not want me to go past the beginning of Nov. without my period. If I don't get it by Nov. 1st I am supposed to call his office and get Provera to bring on my period.

2. If my HSG comes out normal they will do blood work and start me on Clomid.

3. Dr. Billings wanted to do 3 months of Clomid to see how it worked then he would refer me to a Reproductive Endorcinologist (RE) BUT since the RE is going to be in Minot in November (he only comes once every quarter) he went ahead and gave me a referral for a consultation! This made me really really happy... I'm not going to have to wait around forever in order to get things moving. Everything is going to be set up and moving relatively fast.

4. The RE will be able to help me more than just and OB/GYN because, like the name says, they specialize in reproduction.


If any of y'all ever have any questions please let me know... I'm pretty open about this stuff... and the more you know, the more you'll be able to support me as I go through all of this!

I Can Taste How Bitter I've Become

So tomorrow is the "big" day. I have to admit that it definitely comes with a tirade of mixed emotions. On one hand I want to be hopeful that when I pee in a cup tomorrow and use the little dropper it will tell me that yes, finally I am pregnant. On the other hand I don't want to get hopeful. I know that if I start hoping I'm just going to be a million times more depressed when I find out I'm not.

There are other highs and lows to be had tomorrow. I'm also going back to the OB/GYN for the first time in over a year. I'm going to talk to him about getting more fertility treatments. Right now I'm not really on anything. I know what I would like to happen, but then again, I'm not getting trying to not get hopeful. I know what I want to happen most likely will not happen. So far on the road of getting treatments I've had blood work done and a pap/pelvic. My hubby has had his semen analysis.... I know there are more tests to be run before the doctors up here will give out Clomid. I want to get those done ASAP, especially if Thayer ends up getting deployed. I want to be pregnant before we have to deal with that. Yes, I now being pregnant for our first deployment isn't ideal, but when you've been going through this process... it doesn't really matter when you get prenant it is "if" you get pregnant. I'll take whatever I can get, even if I have to do it alone. I'm prepared for that.

Tomorrow I want to find out what our next step should be. I want to get Clomid ASAP, I want Provera so I can make sure I'm having a period every month. I know what I want... now I just have to go about getting it.

As for the title of this blog... the last few days I've felt really down. Nothing "bad" has happened... no one has made me upset. I'm just dealing with a lot of emotions right now. Honestly it was 100% easier when I knew I wasn't ovulating because then I had no hope at all. Sometimes "hope" drives me crazy, and I know that sounds crazy. It gets really hard when you hope and hope and hope for months on end only to have nothing to show for it. Eventually you start to lose faith in hoping. I've been feeling more and more upset and yes, I will fully admit that I'm bitter. A lot of what I'm bitter about I can't even write about because I don't know whose toes I will step on. I'm bitter because there are women out there that are having babies that 1. don't take care of them/appreciate them 2. that are doing drugs or abusing their children 3. can't afford the kids they have and my money is going to help support them when they just keep popping more and more babies out.... Honestly, I could go on and on about the things I'm "bitter" about... but mostly I'm bitter because so many women have what I want. I want to be a mom... I LONG to be a mother. I know I would be an amazing mother.... but I don't know if I will ever have the opportunity to fulfill that dream.

Tomorrow is another day... and I hope it's sunny... because I don't think I could handle a dreary day. Tomorrow will be rough and I might need a shoulder to cry on.

Determined

So this month I am determined to have a good... no GREAT month! So far it has been a good month, though it just started.

Oct. 16th is Thayer and I's anniversary. The last 2 years have had their ups and downs. I'm not going to lie... we've fought, we've yelled, we've said mean things to each other, but we have also loved, cared, hugged, kissed, and grown a lot closer. It's amazing how the one thing that makes me so sad can actually make a marriage that much stronger. Battling infertility has changed my view on so many things. I know that going through this battle together is only making our relationship stronger. I love my husband. I may bitch and complain about him at times, but I will always love him and I couldn't imagine my life without him in it. I can't wait for us to have children. I think a child can be one of the ultimate forms of love. A child is a way for us to be together forever, even after we're gone, our love will always be carried on. For our anniversary I'm thinking about getting us a couple's massage from the spa downtown. lol That would be a treat for both of us and a day that we can relax and just enjoy being together. I'm sure I could use some down time.

I go back to the OB/GYN (a different one this time, thank GOD!!) on Oct. 21st. My bought with Provera is over and I'm curious whether I will ovulate this month. I'm betting not. I'm also curious if good old AF will visit me in a timely manner. I just want my body to get all straightened out again like it was when I first went of BC. Hopefully, Dr. Billings will finish up my testing and start me on Clomid. I'm so ready to get the ball rolling again. I'm also planning on having a wine night at my house prior to this doctor's visit. I want to clear all of the alcohol out of the house and really commit to this baby making again. I had kind of given up because I knew I wasn't ovulating, but now that there might be hope and a chance of getting pregnant I want to be prepared. Also, I'm not supposed to drink on my medicine (oops lol). Alcohol also does funny things to women with PCOS. We're kind of like diabetics in that aspect because of the insulin resistance. I will continue to cross my fingers and hope for the best because there isn't much more than that to do.

I'm sure there are other things going on this month, but at this early hour (1:35am), I am drawing a blank.

School is going well. After this semester I will be over half way done with my Master's program. I'm set to graduate December 2011.

We should hopefully know something about Thayer possibly deploying by the end of the month. I hope we know something soon because it effects my plans for school