365 Days... Surgiversary

Today is my surgiversary. One year ago I embarked on a journey that has changed my life beyond belief. In the last year I have gone from wearing a size 22 to size 10. I've lost over 100 pounds. I'm happier and healthier. I'm more confident. My back rarely hurts. I enjoy exercising and can do an hour of cardio at a time. I still have my issues like when I look in the mirror I still see a person weighing over 200 pounds. In the last year I've only gotten sick twice. I credit that to the weightloss as well. I've had no complications other than the standard vitamin deficiencies, which have now been taken care of. Most importantly, however, is the fact that I am now ovulating on my own and on my way to becoming a mother again. I know that when I do get pregnant I will have a much healthier pregnancy that someone who is morbidly obese. All my risk factors for blood pressure issues and gestational diabetes have now been virtually eliminated. I can't begin to explain how much better my life is from a health standpoint. This really was one of the best decisions I ever made and I don't regret it for one second.

Lovin' It!

So I had a great visit at the OB/GYN today! I love my doctor. He really listened to everything I had to say and put all the concerns I have to rest. It was such a great visit, especially compared to the bull I dealt with up in Minot. Because of the weight loss, he thinks that I will be fertile all on my own. He did agree to put me on fertility medications (Clomid) for 3-6 months to just help things move along faster.

He told me that the reasons my periods are so much lighter now is because of the weightloss but it's not really a concern. The reason it isn't that big of a deal is because fat produces estrogen which causes the uterine lining to build up much thicker, now that I've lost so much fat I don't have as much estrogen production to cause the lining to be overly thick like it was before. Also, the reduced estrogen production is what is really helping with my PCOS. He's not worried about my progesterone dropping and causing miscarriage again because of how much more healthy I am now. He also thinks my luteal phase is still long enough to enable me to get pregnant.

So, with all of that, next month I will start one Clomid again. I'm should be ovulating any day now, so it is too late for this cycle. I will be on it for CD5-9 which is different than when I was on it before. Last time I was on it for CD3-7. The main difference between CD3-7 and CD5-9 is follicles. On CD3-7 you produce more follicles but they will be less mature and on CD 5-9 you produce fewer (possibly only one like a "normal" person) but it will be much more mature. Also, this time I will be starting on 50mg. Last time I was on it I was started on 100mg. He is starting me out at a lower dose because he doesn't even think I will technically need the medication.

I can't even begin to explain how happy I am about finally getting quality healthcare. The medical care in North Dakota was a complete joke.

So, the doctor thinks we will have something to celebrate by Christmas time! Here's to hoping. Keep your fingers crossed for a little baby Olin on the way in the next few months!

Facebook is Serious Business

Let me tell you.. being deleted as a friend on Facebook just cuts me to the core. I don't know how I will ever live without you... *dripping with sarcasm* Do people honestly think it will just hurt me or anyone that bad by getting deleted on Facebook? Some people are so ridiculous and childish. People never cease to amaze me. I don't want or need fake friends/people in my life. Please, don't let the door hit you on the ass on the way out.

On another note, I am thankful that Facebook has the option to edit subscriptions to people. In the recent months, when everyone has been getting knocked up besides me, this has been a LIFE SAVER! It's not that I don't want to be friends with these prego people anymore. It's more of a self-preservation. My heart cannot take constantly being bombarded by it anymore. I can CHOOSE to go to their Facebook and see how they are and how their pregnancy is on MY terms. I don't have to have a whole newsfeed full of it. THANK GOODNESS!! It is especially frustrating when people I once was friends with due to a common bond of infertility are now pregnant and doing the exact thing that used to make them so upset. So many infertiles who eventually do become pregnant kick the Facebook status updates about their expanding bellies into overdrive. Most of them SWORE they would never do that... yet as soon as they see two pink lines the obnoxiousness begins. Hell, when I found out I was pregnant, I sent out an email to my infertile friends before EVER making a post on Facebook so they could mentally prepare themselves. I plan to do this again if I ever manage to get knocked up again.

On to the realm of getting knocked up. I received my Vitex and Red Clover in the mail yesterday. I will begin taking them my next cycle if we receive another negative this cycle. I will take 1200mg Vitex for my whole cycle and Red Clover (3 drops every day -- this is equal to 105mg) from CD1 to ovulation. I am also calling Monday to get a referral to see an OB/GYN down here to get everything checked out prior to us hitting the TTC hard when September comes around. Yes, we've been trying, but not like how we used to. I also want to see if he/she will go ahead and prescribe me 3 rounds of Clomid. I don't want to dance around and wait forever like we had to in the past. I'm NOT trying for a whole year to see if I'm still infertile. lol No OB/GYN better try to convince me of that shit!

I also did a picture update the other day to show my weightloss progress and thought I would share it on here as well.

Gorgeous-ness!

So I did it ladies (and maybe a gentleman) lol. I booked myself a boudoir/pinup shoot for October! Now to work on toning up my excess skin. You can't hide as much when you're half naked!

I always wanted to do a photoshoot like this, but when I was bigger I was always too self-conscious. I'm still self-conscious, but I decided to do it! Getting our pictures taken this last weekend and seeing how great I really am looking I thought I really needed to take the plunge. I even got a few outfits to wear for the big event, but I'm looking for more suggestions. I think I might want to do a naughty teacher/librarian look among others. I'm super excited to feel gorgeous and glam. I just wish I could look in the mirror and see the same thing a camera lens does. When looking at myself, I still feel huge. I hope that one day I will get over all of that. Maybe this is a step in that direction!

Dropping Again

So I have finally gotten off my weightloss plateau (which is pretty typical to hit around the 6 month mark according to people in my support group). I have started dropping weight again. I'm now at the 90lb mark! I'm super excited that I'm losing again.

I said a long time ago that when I hit my goal and get done losing weight that I want to do boudoir pictures! I CAN'T wait to do this either. I want to feel gorgeous and sexy! I really want to do them before we move, but I think I'm going to go ahead and wait until I'm a year post op. Maybe that way they can be a Christmas or birthday present for a certain husband. :)

I really like how much more confident I feel. I have so much more energy. I tolerate the heat a LOT better. I just feel way more healthy overall. For so long I wondered if I had made the right decision to go down this road. I know now, for certain, that this was the correct path for me. I know I will be healthier over all and that will make me a better mom when I can start TTC again. Yes, I had to put off TTC and becoming a mother to get a million times more healthy, but it was the best decision I ever made. I can't wait to have a cute baby bump instead of just looking fatter. I can't wait to have a healthy pregnancy and baby. I can't wait to **hopefully** get pregnant all on my own without fertility drugs or other assistance.

Update time (No Clever Title Today).

So Thayer and I made it to Kansas on the 25th of February. We made really good time on our trip. 1006 miles in 2 days from the Minot AFB gate to the driveway of my parent's house in Kansas.

The weather has been pretty amazing since we've been here. The highs have been in the 50s and 60s. We already had one severe storm. It shall be interesting to see Thayer go through tornado season in Kansas. Growing up in Guam and then living in North Dakota for the last almost 8 years doesn't exactly prepare you for storm season in tornado alley. He's definitely fascinated by the storms, lightening, etc. I am, on the other hand, scared to death of tornadoes and don't really enjoy the stormy weather. The dogs were not impressed by the storm the other night either. Myst grew up mainly in Kansas when she was little, but that was over 3 years ago. Kaia has never really been around severe weather. She was very restless and nervous about the rain and 60 mile per hour wind.

Monday I went for a job interview. I went out and bought a new shirt for the occassion because I don't really have any dress clothes that fit me. I looked pretty amazing. I went to the interview and they told me they would let me know by the end of the week if I had or hadn't gotten the job. They called me about an hour later to offer me the position. I will be working at an area elementary school as a paraeducator. The teacher is really excited about having me work for her since I can help her with a lot of things other paras can't, such as progress monitoring and IEP development. I will only be working about 30 hours a week, which is okay with me. It will be a nice break from my old job... actually, anything would be a nice break from that place. I will only be working there until school is out. I hope that in the meantime I can find a teaching job down in Missouri.

Things are going good with Thayer getting out of the Air Force thus far. We have base access until March 2014 and insurance until the end of September 2012. I should hopefully have a teaching job by the time we don't have Tricare anymore. That's the plan anyways. We all know how plans don't always work out.

I've ran into a few people I know around my small town. Most of them do double takes and it takes them a minute to realize who I am. Most of them recognize that they know me from some where, but it takes them a few moments to place exactly who I am. It was also awesome to go out and buy clothes for my new job. I really like trying on clothes now and I'm sure I will like it even more as I shrink more in size. I just had to buy some new clothes for my new job. I'm now officially a size 12. That's pretty amazing. From a 22 to a 12 in less than 6 months.

I'm planning on getting a membership to the YMCA because the place I'm working through gets an employee discount. I want to go to the Zumba classes they have on Tues and Thurs. I guess they also offer a water Zumba class twice a week that I might go to with a friend. I know I need to start doing exercises to help tone the excess skin I'm getting. I really hope that my young age (in comparison to other WLS patients) will work to my advantage to with the shrinkage of the excess skin on my arms, thighs, and stomach.

Here is another comparison picture. The picture on the right was taken right before I went to my interview on the 27th of February.

Decisions....

I need help/advice on making a decision... I would LOVE feedback so please comment!!

I'm currently trying to decide if I should go off birth control next month to see if I'm ovulating on my own. I'm curious to see if losing over 60lbs has jump started my system. My main problem before when TTC is that I don't ovulate because of my PCOS. My PCOS was made worse by my weight. There are many women that lose even 15-20lbs and their bodies start operating normally again. I just really want to know! I can't risk getting pregnant right now though. That's where the hold up is. I would have to go off of my BC so that would mean using condoms (ew!!) or making sure we abstain around the time of ovulation. I'm just not sure what to do and the curiosity is really eating away at me. I don't want to wait until next September when we can start again to find out! I want to know NOW! lol So... what do y'all think I should do?

So there are going to be a lot of big changes coming up on my life! I'm super excited for most of them!

We are more than likely moving in March. Thayer officially started his medical board review on the 5th. He was officially diagnosed with asthma. His med board is being fast tracked so it should take less than the "standard" 90 days. He also got his packet to start his out-processing for separation. So now we are back to waiting.

I'm also getting a new car on my birthday! Well... actually the day after, but I'm so super excited. I've been driving the same car since my senior year of high school and I turn 27 this year... if that tells you anything. I have worked hard the last almost 10 years not only earning a Bachelor's but also almost completing my Master's. I deserve a big award for all my hard work. I test drove the type of car I'm getting today and I fell in love. It handled great. It has lots of room and gets great gas mileage! I'm getting a 2012 Chevrolet Equinox!

The other news I have to share is that I made my first weightloss comparison photo. It's is amazing to look at and see how far I've come in such a short amount of time! I'm now wearing a size 14! The first pic was from the beginning of this last summer. The second picture was from New Years Eve! I was feeling a little sassy in it!

63lbs down in the 2nd pic! I'm feeling wonderful and I'm starting to look pretty amazing too!

Rounding out the Year

So 2011 is coming to a close. It has been a year full of ups and downs to say the least.

Yesterday was Christmas. On Christmas Eve we went over to a friend of ours and had a wonderful Christmas Eve with our military family. I tried goose for the first time. It was actually really good. Tasted a lot like steak to me, but with a little bit of a "gamey" taste. We opened presents and laughed. It was a good time with great friends.

Christmas day was pretty uneventful for Thayer and I. We played games and watched movies. I also did some housework. Christmas just isn't the same for me and I was trying my hardest to keep my mind off Baby Hope. It's so difficult to think we should have had a baby to celebrate with this year, but we didn't. It is still a hard pill to swallow at times. I know that people that haven't been in my shoes really just don't understand. I can't really expect them to. I can, however, expect them to have compassion and understanding for the feelings I have.

Thayer talked to his mom. His dad went to the Phillipines and left his mom all alone in Guam for Christmas. The shittiness of his father never ceases to amaze me. I guess to get him back, Thayer's mom is spending extra on the kids for Christmas. Since he is spending all this money over in the Phillipines, she is spending more on Thayer, his sister, and even me for Christmas. We also found out that next summer she is coming over to the states so spend a few weeks with us. Hopefully we are all settled in our new place in Missouri. Everything is up in the air still. Thayer is waiting on his official orders so we can start to arrange our move. We shall see if that happens. Once again we are left waiting. If we do get orders for March, then the last day we will possibly be out of here is March 31st... in 96 days.

For once, I wasn't trying to hide in pictures. I love all the new-found confidence I have. I can't believe how far I've come since September 7th. As of today I am down 60 pounds. That's half a person! Here's a picture from Christmas Eve! I'm starting to look skinny! 

I Miss Shopping :(

It is official. I miss shopping. I find myself browsing all my favorite stores online and finding shirt after shirt that "speak" to me... but alas, I do not buy them. My head knows that it would be a waste of money to purchase clothing that I probably won't be able to wear but for a couple of months. Sometimes I just really really want to buy something though! It's so exciting to be able to look at clothing in the "normal" people stores and not have to shop in the "plus" size sections anymore. I can't wait until I can go out and buy a whole new wardrobe once I finally stop being the incredible shrinking Mary. I know I have a long way to go yet. I'm only a few months out from having my surgery. I plan to lose at least 50 more pounds. People that I haven't seen in a while and run into tell me that they could hardly recognize me. I've been getting compliments. People are saying that I'm looking really good. I'm not sure how to take it all. I know I look completely different. My wedding rings don't fit. My necklace hangs lower on my chest because my neck is less fat. EVERYTHING is changing.

For the most part I'm happy. Actually 98% of the time I'm beyond happy. I do still have my moments though. I wish we could still be trying for a baby. I wish I wouldn't have had to do this in order to have a successful pregnancy. Then again, I'm willing to do anything to have a child. No matter what, I will be a mother of a baby one day and that baby will have mine and Thayer's DNA. Sometimes I think others have given up on me having children. Fine, if they want to give up they can. It's not their body; it's not their life.

It is hard to tell right now if the surgery is helping with my PCOS because I'm on birth control. The BC is making everything function more or less like it should so I can't tell if I'm ovulating. I also can't tell if my periods are becoming more regular because the BC takes care of the regulating for me. Time will tell I suppose. I hope that it does help, but even still, I am more than willing to go back on Clomid or do any other type of procedure to have a child. I won't give up hope, though sometimes I do get pretty down about it. I always make a comeback!

199... are you outta your mind?

Today I hit another super awesome goal today. My weight this morning was 199! I'm under 200lbs for the first time since middle school. Super... SUPER... excited!! Here's a picture I took this afternoon after work.

I'm starting to look quite a bit different and that makes me really happy. I didn't think I would be under 200 until around my birthday which is just over a month away! Hopefully in the next 3 months I will lose another 50+ pounds. After that... the weightloss will slow down (after first 6 months) but I will continue to lose. It will be at about half the rate of what the first 6 months was.

Tummy Troubles

So it seems like everything I eat recently has been making me nauseous. This includes food I've eaten in the past without any problems. It's really kind of frustrating. I don't like feeling sick and it makes working hard. I try not to eat on my lunch break anymore. I usually just drink a small glass of juice. I have started my period pound shed. My total loss as of this morning was exactly 56 pounds. Hopefully tomorrow I will shed the other .7 pounds. Losing .7 pounds will put me under 200lbs for the first time since middle school maybe? I'm excited about that... but I wish I knew what was going on with the nausea. I guess I will just have to work through it, one day at a time.

The other day I couldn't help but think how nice it will be to spend the holidays with my "family." There are friends up here that have become like a family to me. I think that's a military thing. I won't have to deal with the drama of my real family. That in itself is a huge stress reliever. I know things are going to be difficult when I move home because I'm not in the habit of keeping my mouth closed. I've become pretty blunt, and some people don't like it. Oh well, they can either get over it or get out of my life. There are certain members of my family I don't really like or care for. I mean, who really spreads vicious lies to other family members and thinks it's okay? A certain family member of mine does. Oh well... Karma is a bitch and she will eventually get what is coming to her.

'Tis the Season to be Stressed...

Well, school is over for the semester! Thank God! I turned in my final paper on Sunday and finished my final project for my other class a whole 7 days early! I was proud of myself for not procrastinating until the very last possible minute for once in my life... and yes, I literally mean for once in my life. It looks like I will get A's in both my classes so I will maintain my 4.0 GPA in Grad School. I can't believe I have a 4.0 in Grad School! That's insane to me. I do have to pat myself on the back and say that I've been rocking my classes. Really, Grad School isn't more difficult than getting my Bachelor's was. It is simply a lot more time consuming. The amount of time you have to put into each class is a lot more. I'm pretty bummed that I won't be graduating in May though. Because of our impending move, I have to postpone my Internship and Scholarly Project. It is impossible to complete them and still move. My Scholarly Project basically takes the place of a dissertation. It is a huge project that I get to chose the topic over. I'm thinking about doing something involving the military and special education, but I guess I will cross that bridge when I get to it. I should be able to finish up next Fall without a problem. Here's to hoping! I'm just so relieved to have this semester complete. As for this Spring, I'm going to go ahead and start working on my Autism certificate. I'm taking 3 classes over Autism. I originally planned to start this after graduating with my Master's, but I don't want to "dropout" for a semester so I've decided to go ahead and start it a bit early.

Work is also increasingly stressful. The children are CRAZY! I love them to death... but geez! Also, there's just something about going to work that makes me feel... I don't know... less than enthusiastic. Don't get me wrong, I love the kids in my class... I think it has something to do with the vast amounts of hypocrisy that are always at play there. Oh well... it looks like, at most, I have 15 weeks left.

For once, Christmas doesn't have me stressed. I don't have any family to deal with. I just have Thayer and myself. All my shopping is done. Thayer and I and my nephew, Kimani, are the only people we had to buy for. I will probably just mail my sister-in-law a check. Thayer's parents don't get anything because I'm sick of how they treat my husband... and my parents usually say they would rather have us save our money. That is especially true this year because they know we're going to be moving and have expenses from that.

I do have happy news to report. I am 3 months post-op now... and have lost 54 pounds. I know in the next week I will probably shed pounds like crazy because I'm bloated right now from an impending visit from Aunt Flo. (Sorry if that's TMI). I'm so happy with my journey thus far. I'm currently wearing a size 16 jean and have had to get rid of over half the clothes in my closet because they swamp me. I can tell a difference in my energy level and that is exciting as well. I have NO regrets. I can't wait to continue my ride. I can't wait to start trying for baby again next year.

Even though there is a lot.. LOT of stress in my life right now. I'm content. I'm happy... and I wouldn't change a thing!

Giddy Girl!

Yesterday was an amazingly awesome day. I hit my 50 pound mark AND I fit into a size 16 jean for the first time since middle school. I was so freaking giddy. So far I am loving my journey. I'm loving feeling more confident. I love how my husband looks at me now. Maybe he's always looked at me that way and I never noticed... but still. He's amazed by what is happening to my body. Most of my shirts are starting to look way to big on me, which is awesome! I love my clothes not fitting for something other than getting fatter! I still haven't gotten sick to my stomach and I've only been nauseous 3 times so far. I haven't really had any complications and I'm still losing steadily! I can't wait for the next 3 months. 50 pounds in 3 months is amazing!

Shrinkage!

As of this morning I am down 45 pounds. I always drop really fast right after I start my period. I suppose it is because I'm so bloated. Anywho... I thought I would share a before and after 45lbs. It's pretty crazy! I've gone from a size 22 pant to a size down to an 18. I've gone from a 44C to a 40C bra size. I will be under 200 for the first time since high school by my birthday, maybe even by Christmas. I was kind of scared to share my actual weightloss numbers, but I think I will now. All my life I've been picked on because of my weight, even though I was pretty happy with who I was. Before surgery I was at 256.6lbs. I am currently 211.6lbs. I have lost 45lbs in 11.5 weeks. I can't believe how much more confident I already am! I'm proud of myself and the journey I have chosen to take. Other people can kiss my ass :)

This was taken Feb 2011 (Before)

This was taken Thanksgiving of this year (2011). (Current)

Bullies

I'm really beinging to realize that people of all ages can be bullies. I have heard or read things from women who have to put other people down to try and feel happy with their own unhappy lives. It's really sad that grown men and women have to turn to bullying others to make them feel better about their own shitty situation. You shouldn't have to put down the decisions of others to make you feel better about your own. Maybe, if you're doing that, then you aren't truly happy with the decision you've made. Bad mouthing others is just sad and kind of pathetic when you're pushing 30+.

I chose to have weightloss surgery. Apparently that makes me lazy, unmotivated, etc. in the eyes of some people... including other women/men who are morbidly obese. Whatever. Get over yourself. After 2 years of eating health and no more than 1500 calories on top of exercizing countless hours a week I did what was right for me. Different strokes for different folks. That doesn't mean you have to bad mouth me or bully me and others that have made the decision. I have a disease that makes it nearly impossible for me to lose weight naturally. My body doesn't process food correctly because I have an endocrine disorder. Unless you've been in my shoes, then quit being so judgemental and take a good look in the mirror. If you're bullying people then you obviously aren't very happy with yourself. If you have to justify your behavior and actions by putting other people down then you obviously aren't happy about your situation.

Loooooooong Week

This week was the week from hell at work. The kids were monsters, literally. All they wanted to do was hit, kick, and push each other as well as throw toys, throw fits, climb on furniture. All it seemed like I did all day was get on to them for something or another. I HATE days like that, but they occasionally happen. This week it was EVERY day. It was so frustrating! Most people do not understand the patience it takes to care for ten children between the ages of 12 and 24 months. Some days it is very mentally taxing. Don't get me wrong, most of the kids in my room I love like they are my own.... but there are some days when I just want to throw my hands up.

Moving on, I got my bonus from work this paycheck for performing perfectly on my review. I got 25/25 points :) I also got a pay raise not too long ago. That was pretty awesome. They only crappy part is that they should have been paying me that amount the whole time I worked there because the FINALLY decided to count my degree as having some sort of meaning. That means for the last year I should have been making almost $3 more an hour than I have been. Wouldn't it be grand if they would go back and pay me the difference? Yeah... a government job... I don't foresee anything like that ever happening.

My other exciting news from this week is I hit 40 pounds lost. I'm almost half way to my goal! I'm super excited. I am wearing pants 2 sizes smaller. I have a lot more confidence. I just went and got my hair done yesterday and it looks amazing. I just feel so much better about myself. I'm starting to look different. My face has slimmed down a lot.... It's just amazing and I can't wait for it to continue!

2 for One

So, today was Veteran's Day and today was also my due date with our angel baby.

My goal today was to try and keep as busy as possible so I couldn't think about the latter of the two, too much. I think I accomplished my goal rather well. This afternoon Thayer and I went ice skating for free for Veteran's Day. Then we went out to lunch which made me sick for a while. The food just didn't agree with my tummy and I got to truly experience "dumping syndrome" for the first time. Needless to say, I don't want to experience it again any time soon. Sweating, nausea, the shakes... yep... wasn't a good time especially since we were at the mall. We walked around the mall for a bit and I ended up getting a coat at Old Navy for 60% off. It's super cute, but a little small right now. I should be able to fit into it by the end of the month at the rate I've been going. I also bought Just Dance 3. I had been using Just Dance 2 as part of my workout routine besides the elliptical. It's a little more challenging and has a lot of songs I like. Lets see... then we went to the Chiropractor and got snap, crackled, and popped. I feel better now. My hips not bothering me anymore! Then we went to see Immortals. It was pretty hokey and not nearly as good as 300. We were both pretty disappointed in it. On the way home we got Jimmy Johns. It was a pretty good day considering. I'm glad I got to share it with my Airman.

As far as Veteran's Day, I'm so proud of my husband and the service he has provided to this country. I'm also proud of my dad who served in the Air Force. Also, my Grandpa Mallatt who served courageously in WWII in the Pacific theater. I have many other family members that are veteran's as well. Words can not express the debt we, as a country, owe you. I know how hard the military works; I've seen it first hand. The work for little pay and at times, little respect. I was pleasantly surprised to all the praise I saw this morning in everyone's statuses on Facebook. It seemed like everyone on my friend's list said something of praise and/or thanks for those that have or are currently serving.

As for my angel baby. I miss her every day. I don't think that will ever change. I really thought today was going to be much harder than it actually was. This morning I had a moment, shed a couple of tears, then got ready to start my day. March 29th and November 11th 2011 are days that I will never forget as long as I live. Sometimes I still have moments where I'm sad and I have moments of jealousy. Things are honestly so much better now than they were 6 months ago. I know my little angel is in heaven and I'll get to see her one day, but until then I know that she is in good hands. I'm a mom now and I'll be a mom for the rest of my life. My baby, Baby Hope, was simply too beautiful and perfect for this earth. I was shown a brief piece of heaven in those few short weeks. I know that one day I will be a mother. I've come so far and done so much to try and have my perfect child. I hope that we will be able to start trying next September or so. We shall see what happens with my weightloss.

I'm down 39 pounds in 9 weeks, so I have 67 pounds to go until my goal weight. Would I be happy losing more than that? Sure, the doctor predicted a loss of 100lbs so that is what I'm going by to set my goal.

Emotional, Less Squishy!

So I have good news to report. I am now down 33 pounds! I'm steadily getting less squishy, so that makes me happy.

I've been pretty emotional lately. I'm not really sure why. I'm thinking about going back on happy pills since we aren't going to be TTC until at least September of next year. In some ways that seems so far away. It's so hard not to think about having a baby when it's something you've tried for over two years to have. It's so hard to put a dream on hold. I know I'm taking a positive, a HUGE positive step forward that will change the rest of my life. I keep trying to stay positive, and I think I've done pretty well. Last week, admittedly, was difficult. There were a lot of reasons. I was PMSing. (AF came yesterday.) There was a lot of baby news from announcements, births, baby showers, etc. It was a little overwhelming. Don't get me wrong. I'm happy for them, but sad for myself. I hope that makes sense. I can't help wonder if and when it will finally be my time. I got a glimpse of my dream coming true, only to have it torn from me. I want to feel that glow and utter contentedness again. I was so unbelievably happy for that short amount of time. It's hard to see everyone else getting to realize your one and only dream. At this point in my life, I have achieved almost everything I've wanted and set out to do. The only thing remaining is to become a mother. I've gone to college. I have a Bachelor's degree. I'm now ONE semester away from completing my Master's. I'm married. We're financially stable. We have it all. I've done it all. There's only one thing left on this Earth that I want. Maybe that's why it's so difficult.

Judgmental Much?

One thing I'm finding is how judgmental people are of individuals that have had weight loss surgery. I guess it kind of goes along the same lines as people being judgmental of those that are overweight. Everyone assumes that people are overweight because 1. they're lazy, 2. they have no self-control, 3. they don't eat healthy and eat mostly junk food.... The list of assumptions goes on and on. People don't stop to consider there may be a medical condition underlying their weight. It could be a thyroid issue. It could be PCOS, which is an endocrine disorder. It could be any variety of different reasons. I'm not denying there are overweight people that are lazy, have no self-control, and eat nothing but crap. That, however, is not the case for everyone. For over a year I ate between 1500 and 1800 calories. I also tried to, more often than not, eat healthy foods. Lots of fruit/veggies, good protein, whole grains.... etc. Additionally, I exercised on top of having a fairly active job. I guess if you want to call that lazy and lacking in self-control then go right on ahead and do so.

Now I'm finding there are people that judge those that have gastric bypass in the same negative light. People think it's the easy way out. (Not so.) People think that those that have it are again, lazy. (Not so.) Some people don't have any other option. Some people work their ass off to lose weight, like me, and have NOTHING to show for it. I wish some people could take a minute to get off their high horse and step down to earth and take a walk in someone else's shoes for a change. Maybe I never should have started writing about my surgery journey. Maybe I should have just kept it all a secret and just let people assume I was losing weight the old fashioned way (which didn't work for me). It's so annoying to have people look down on you. It makes me sad.

Recheck!

So tomorrow Thayer and I are driving to Bismarck so I can have my post-op recheck. I think things are going splendid. Nothing I've eaten so far has given me any trouble. I'm now able to eat foods that are easy to chew so I can make sure I'm chewing them up really well. The only concern I have that I'm going to bring up is by one of my incision sites I feel a pain like something is pulling when I move around too much. I'm not sure if I just over did it yesterday with all the cleaning and scrubbing I did or of there is something amiss. I'll just be sure to have them check it out.

As of this morning I am down *DRUM ROLL PLEASE* 19.6 pounds!

Yay! 

Seeing the pounds steadily drop is making dealing with not being able to try for a baby a lot easier. I know my time will come. Every day I step on that scale and see a difference is one day closer to me having a HEALTHY pregnancy... and a HEALTHY baby. Sometimes I got so caught up in wanting to have a baby with my husband that I forgot about all the risks of being overweight and pregnant. It will be so nice not to have to worry about that. It will also reduce my chance of miscarriage because being overweight increases it as well as having PCOS. I will have eliminated one of those obstacles and my PCOS will more than likely disappear when I hit my goal weight! So... here's to the road ahead. Life is a highway and I know I'll eventually reach my desired destination!!