Thankful for Things

Here is my second installment of things I'm thankful for in my life.

Day 8

I'm thankful for my awesome car. It gets great gas mileage which allows me to go see my family. We bought my car at the beginning of the year and I still absolutely love it. On this last trip it got 29mpg... which is better than 99% of all other vehicles in it's class. It drives and rides great. It has enough room for both of the dogs as well as kids when we finally add them to the mix.

 

Day 9
72 and sunny! Today I am thankful we escaped Minot! It has made a huge difference in my attitude and outlook on life. So happy right now! (Not that I don't miss my friends up there though). While I was enjoying some beautiful weather it was snowing and blowing up in Minot. The winters there and other aspects always seems to make my moods feel sullen and dreary for majority of the year. I always seemed to be in a funk that I just couldn't shake. Things have been a lot different since we moved. I'm generally a lot more happy. Thayer and I bicker less. I'm able to see my family as often as I want. There is a lot more to do if I choose to do it. I've gotten to see all my old friends and spend time with them. I'm so happy that we left Minot. This doesn't, however, mean that I don't miss the friends and 2nd family that I made up there. Hell, I've even seriously thought about visiting sometime in the future just to see them.

Day 10
Today I am thankful for awesome friends. Some I've had for over 2 decades and some are new. Some are close and some are half a country away. All of the are special in their own way and I love them. I know I always have someone to call when life gets me down.

 

Day 11

First, today I am thankful for all the men and women, past and present, who have served our country. I am forever in debt to you. This includes my grandpa Mallatt; my dad, and my husband. From my time as a miliary wife I saw first hand how much bullshit men and women in uniform put up with and just how much they sacrifice to make sure we're all safe.

 

Second, I am thankful that I got to know true and unconditionally love of being a mother. Today would have been Baby Hope's 1st birthday if she arrived on her due date. I love her to the moon and back and can't wait to hold her in my arms one glorious day.

Day 12
I was thankful that my bottle of wine was chilled when I got home. lol... not that I'm an alcoholic, but I do enjoy a good glass of Moscato after a rough day. I subbed in a middle school room and some of those kids.... geez.

Day 13
I am thankful that my stomach finally quit being upset. It was a long night. I apparently ate something I shouldn't have, and it sent my stomach reeling for about 3-4 hours.

Day 14

 

Today I'm thankful that I O'd :) Now the waiting begins. Maybe I'll get my Christmas wish this year! I ovulated yesterday (CD17). I confirmed this morning with temperature rise and ovulation pains yesterday. We timed everything pretty good this cycle too... so... here's to hoping I have good news in about 2 weeks.

Hodge Podge

This blog is going to be a hodge podge of a little bit of everything that has happened recently.

This last weekend I went home by myself for a weekend with the girls and a break from the husband. It was great! On Thursday I drove up and that evening I just hung out with my parents and nephew. Then on Friday I got up and went into town to shop with my mom. I bought some movies and we went to lunch at a Greek restaurant. The food was really tasty. Friday night was when a lot of the fun happened. I cut loose and forgot about everything in life. We went to see a male "revue" show put on by former Chippendale dancers called "Fifty Shades of Men"... think Magic Mike live. It was lot of fun! Then we went out dancing at a couple of clubs. By the end of the night I was barely walking straight, I was so drunk. At the club I had a couple of drinks bought for me and danced with a random guy. It helped my confidence a little. It's nice to know someone other than my husband finds me at least a little bit attractive. After drinking we went out to IHOP and more mayhem ensued. :) I was a night I won't forget for a LOOOONG time! Then Saturday I went out to dinner with a friend I've known since I was 3. Later, she and I went over to another friend from middle/high school's house to just hang out and talk about life and things. It was nice to just sit around and enjoy each other's company.

As most people in the states know, Sunday was Veteran's Day (though most people "celebrated" on Monday with a day off). I'm proud to say I'm the granddaughter, daughter, niece, and wife of a veteran. My dad's father served in the Pacific during WWII. My great-uncle died in the Korean War and I inherited his Purple Heart. My dad and husband both served in the US Air Force. I'm proud of them for serving their country. I learned first hand being a military wife that freedom really doesn't come free. There is a lot of sacrifice involved... so if you haven't, be sure to thank a veteran. They're the reason we're all here safe and sound living our lives each day.

Baby Hope's Birthday
11/11/12 wasn't just Veteran's Day... it also would have been Baby Hope's first birthday if she would have arrived on her due date. It seems so long ago, but sometimes the pain is still so fresh. I still miss her. I still love her. I wish she was here every single day! Life would be so much different. So here's to Baby Hope... with love, kisses, and hugs.

Yesterday and today I had my first dose of substitute teaching. It was for a 7th grade English class. I have no decided I don't think I could ever teach a regular classroom of middle school kids. I've worked in middle school special education before and that wasn't THAT bad. Some of the classes were amazing. They sat quietly and did their work, were respectful and kind... and then there were a few other that made me want to pull my hair out. They were just so talkative. Other than that, though, they weren't really that bad. I do have a few notes to myself, however, after this experience. 1. Wear heels... the kids will still be taller than me but the will be less taller than me. 2. Take my piercings out. For some reason they were all very fascinated by these. 3. Do not wear a push-up bra. -- Today there was a really awkward moment when one of the boys informed his group and half the classroom that I had big boobs. Yeah.... A-W-K-W-A-R-D!!!

Facebook is Serious Business

Let me tell you.. being deleted as a friend on Facebook just cuts me to the core. I don't know how I will ever live without you... *dripping with sarcasm* Do people honestly think it will just hurt me or anyone that bad by getting deleted on Facebook? Some people are so ridiculous and childish. People never cease to amaze me. I don't want or need fake friends/people in my life. Please, don't let the door hit you on the ass on the way out.

On another note, I am thankful that Facebook has the option to edit subscriptions to people. In the recent months, when everyone has been getting knocked up besides me, this has been a LIFE SAVER! It's not that I don't want to be friends with these prego people anymore. It's more of a self-preservation. My heart cannot take constantly being bombarded by it anymore. I can CHOOSE to go to their Facebook and see how they are and how their pregnancy is on MY terms. I don't have to have a whole newsfeed full of it. THANK GOODNESS!! It is especially frustrating when people I once was friends with due to a common bond of infertility are now pregnant and doing the exact thing that used to make them so upset. So many infertiles who eventually do become pregnant kick the Facebook status updates about their expanding bellies into overdrive. Most of them SWORE they would never do that... yet as soon as they see two pink lines the obnoxiousness begins. Hell, when I found out I was pregnant, I sent out an email to my infertile friends before EVER making a post on Facebook so they could mentally prepare themselves. I plan to do this again if I ever manage to get knocked up again.

On to the realm of getting knocked up. I received my Vitex and Red Clover in the mail yesterday. I will begin taking them my next cycle if we receive another negative this cycle. I will take 1200mg Vitex for my whole cycle and Red Clover (3 drops every day -- this is equal to 105mg) from CD1 to ovulation. I am also calling Monday to get a referral to see an OB/GYN down here to get everything checked out prior to us hitting the TTC hard when September comes around. Yes, we've been trying, but not like how we used to. I also want to see if he/she will go ahead and prescribe me 3 rounds of Clomid. I don't want to dance around and wait forever like we had to in the past. I'm NOT trying for a whole year to see if I'm still infertile. lol No OB/GYN better try to convince me of that shit!

I also did a picture update the other day to show my weightloss progress and thought I would share it on here as well.

Sometimes...

Sometimes I wish things were different.
Sometimes I wish I could go back and change things.
Sometimes I wonder how life might be different.
Sometimes I think about the different people past and present in my life.
Sometimes I wonder if I made the right decisions.
Sometimes I think of all the ways things could be different.
Sometimes I reminisce about times gone by.
Sometimes I miss you more than I ever thought I could.
Sometimes my mind wonders and it always seems to find it's way back to you.

I know I can't change what has happened in my life thus far. I can't go back and make things different or "right." I can only move forward and hope that I learn from the past and learn from my mistakes. I can only hope that I continue to grow and do my best. I know that I'm not perfect. I've never claimed to be perfect. I know I've hurt people just the same as I've been hurt by people.

Life never stops, it keeps going and going no matter how much we wish we could hit pause, rewind, or even fast forward. I guess what I'm trying to say, I'm trying to do the best with what I have been given and chosen. Yes, I wish things might be different, but I'm not sure how to sculpt my life into my perfect vision. At times I don't even know what my vision really is. I think that is constantly changing as well. No, my life certainly isn't the way I envisioned it. There are aspects that are most definitely regrettable, but it goes on and on whether I'm ready for it or not.

Back in the Swing

I'm starting to get back in the swing of things and having a pretty "normal" schedule now. During and after the move I was a bad, bad girl and pretty much quit exercising. Naughty I know! I'm back in the swing of getting up then working out then going about my day. I've done Zumba (via the PS3, 55in TV, and YouTube) the last 3 days and in addition to that Thayer and I went on a 30 minute walk with the doggies. I've thought about starting to jog or run, but I'm not sure how my asthma or bum knee will do with that. I guess it is always something I can give a try, though I've never really been a big fan of running thanks to running laps repeatedly in high school around the circle gym.

I'm also learning to let things go. Maybe people are meant to be part of your past and not part of your future. There for a while I was really confused having a certain person back in my life, but I have since come to the realization that he doesn't really want me in his life, period. He doesn't want me around as a friend. He certainly doesn't love me anymore as he claimed otherwise he would not treat me the way he does. I guess that is neither here nor there. I'm an old married woman and it looks like I will stay that way at least for the foreseeable future.

Additionally, I've decided I'm really going to step up my game and quit letting people walk all over me. I'm going to be strong and stand up for myself and what I believe in. I'm not going to be anyone's punching bag anymore. Furthermore, I am not going to continue to allow people to be in my life that don't deserve to be there. I'm not going to fight to keep people in my life either. If you want to be there, then you'll make the effort to be there. If not, then don't let the door hit ya on the ass on the way out.

I'm also going to try to have a more positive outlook. Yes, there are times that I get really upset about being infertile and other things going on in my life, but I'm going to try harder to bounce back from that. I'm going to take control. I CONTROL my destiny, no one else. I'm in charge! Imma BOSS! lol

Oops...

So if everyone else in this world can have an "oops" pregnancy why can't I? Is it bad that I almost hope that I counted days wrong? Is is bad that I hope we have an oops? I know it wouldn't make some people happy... but I've waited long enough. Sure the timing wouldn't be the best. Sure it would be better to wait, but I've been waiting almost 3 years to be a mom. I know this month we weren't the most careful. We should be because I'm still supposed to wait until September. Oh well. I don't know what else to say other than that. I've quit losing weight really fast so I think  it will be okay if anything should happen. The likelihood is still pretty low. I talked to Thayer about it and got his opinion. He feels that, though it wouldn't be the best of timing, we would make it work. He said he isn't going to stand in the way of fate and if it's meant to be right now and it happens then he won't be upset. I was worried at first that it might upset him and make him mad.

Either way, I'm done making plans in my life. Like I've said before, they just get all messed up anyways. From now on I'm flying by the seat of my pants.

Lately, there have been other loops thrown into my life. Now that we're moving back to Missouri, things are going to be a little bit different. All my college friends and pre-marriage friends are down there. It will take all of us some getting used to that I'm married (and so are some of them). I know at least one of my friendships makes my husband slightly uncomfortable, but it is my opinion that he'll just have to get over it. I am really good friends with one of my ex's and he happens to live in the same town that we are moving to. Thayer doesn't like to show it, but I know on some level this bothers him because he has been cheated on in the past. I've been friends with this individual for years now and I'm not about to stop being his friend now. He's a good guy and a good friend and that is what matters to me. Yes, we were in a relationship before. Even after we broke up we were "friends" for a couple of years, even while he was in relationships with other girls. (I know... tisk tisk bad Mary). Does this make for an interesting dynamic? Yes it does. But his friendship means the world to me, because whether he knows it or not, even though he broke my heart a few times, he really helped me out at other times as well. I don't know how I can make Thayer more comfortable with it. Right now my friend isn't really even that interested in meeting Thayer because he knows it will be awkward and uncomfortable.... I just don't know.

This Just In....

So there have been other things going on the last week or so. I finally broke down and decided that I needed to make a decision about what to do this fall. I needed to choose between going to work and (hopefully) finding a teaching job down in Missouri or finishing up my last semester on my Master's. I would have graduated in May but I knew I wouldn't be able to complete my internship up in North Dakota because I knew we would move some time this spring. So instead of finishing school this semester I chose to go ahead and begin working on my Autism Spectrum Disorders Certificate.

It was a tough decision, but Thayer and I are in agreement that my best choice is to go ahead and finish school. If I put it off longer they could change the degree requirements, the requirements to be a certified special education teacher, or any number of other things which would require additional classes to meet the new requirements. Also, if I didn't go ahead and finish now it might be difficult to find time to go back and do it later. We want to start a family as soon as possible after I've hit my one year post-op mark. That would make going back more difficult. It is going to be rough with both of us going to school full time, but we know it is what needs to be done. After I graduate in December with my degree I will probably substitute teach or look for a para job of some sort until I can start applying for teaching jobs for the following school year. I will have a lot more job options open to me as well once I finish my Master's in addition to being able to make a good deal more money.

I've also had some interesting situations arise in my personal life that I'm working hard to try to sort out what I should and shouldn't do. Sometimes my head and heart are not always in the right spot and I get confused about what would be the best decision for me. I'm ready to get moved to Missouri and see my old college friends again. There are a lot of people I have missed and I'm excited to see them and be able to hang out with them again.

Let's see... what else... Thayer gets jealous a lot easier now. It's like my "value" has gone up now that I've lost so much weight. Last night at Wal-Mart it was really weird. He just kept touching me... putting his arm around me, running his hand up and down my side. It was like he was making sure that everyone knew that I was his. It was just.... odd. I don't know how else to describe it. I guess I must be a hotter commodity in his eyes and he wants everyone to know I'm taken now. I guess when I was fat he just wasn't really worried about it.

Glad This Week Is Over. Period.

For lots of reasons I have had a very rough week. It's just a lot of little things piling up and feeling like I have no where to turn.

First of all, things have been really rocky with Thayer and I. We've been having a lot, and I mean A LOT of issues. We're considering marriage counseling, even though I believe counselors are mostly quacks. I've never really had a good experience with one except when I was in elementary school. I'm not sure what the best solution will be. I don't want to give up because it's worth the fight. Just some of the things that have happened, wow.

I've been having trouble dealing with my surgery and the common side effects. It's making beyond frustrated to feel this tired all the time. You would think that dropping 30 pounds would give you more energy, but every day I feel like I've ran a 5k marathon. I talked to the surgeon when I had my 6 week check on Thursday, but he said it was normal because my body is trying to learn how to sustain itself from itself. Because I eat so little, I'm living off of the stuff that already exists in my body. It hasn't been fun. It hasn't been easy. I've encountered a few food that have made my tummy upset, but I've done  good with most foods. Today I ate half a lean pocket and boy was I a sick chica for a while. So needless to day, I've been irritated by not having any energy and feeling tired all the time.

I've also had some issues with dealing with my infertility. Just a lot has happened this week to remind me over and over again what a failure I am. It's been really hard to look at the bright side of things this week. Lately it's been really hard to deal with the fact that we can't even think about trying for another 11 months. I can't help but think about my baby. I would be almost full term now. I know I should look at the "good" things in my life. And believe me I try... but sometimes it's hard. Really Hard. Unless you've been through infertility and/or miscarriage I just can't explain it. There's just something about remembering the due date or seeing different things at Facebook that just tears at your heart.

I've also been really homesick. I miss my friends back home. There's just something about having someone you feel comfortable around no matter what and you know you can call at any time. There's just something about someone you've known for most of your life that can't be replaced. I may not talk to them all the time, but I know they love and care about me no matter what happens.

All in all... I've felt very irritated, frustrated, alone, upset, sad, run down, etc. Oh... and to top it off I'm PMSing because it's about that time. Yay! *rolls eyes*

Sorry for the depressing, bitchy blog... but yeah.

That Time Again...

Thursday I go back to Bismarck for my 6 week post-op check. I'm going to be sure to talk to them about my energy level. I hope that they will run some labs to make sure I'm not getting anemic or completely dehydrated. I knew it would take a while to bounce back, but working has been really difficult. Even after a 6 hour shift I'm beat and come home and take an hour long nap then go to bed at about 10pm. I want to be able to exercise more, but it's so difficult when I'm worn out from just going to work. Granted, I have a fairly physical job. Taking care of 10 one year olds with one other person isn't always an easy task. Hopefully by the time Thursday rolls around I will be at my 30lb mark. I'm just about there; only a pound and a half to go. I'm trying to think of something to do in Bismarck so I'm not just driving for 2 hours for a 30 minute appointment then driving another 2 hours home. I think I'll hit up Petco. I can't/refuse to do any clothes shopping. Lots of people keep telling me that I need to go out and just buy new clothes (some of the ones I have are starting to look baggy and not so hot). If I go out and spend money on new clothes I'll just have to do the same thing again in a month or two. That adds up to a lot of money REALLY fast. I think it's pointless to go buy new clothes at this point. Not when I have another 70+ pounds to go until my goal. I think it would be awesome if I met and exceeded my goal. I really really want my weight to level out around a year mark of post-op. As soon as my weight stabilizes we can go back to TTC. Time will tell I suppose. There's no way to hurry it up. I just gotta keep doing what I'm doing.

In other news... (yes... the following paragraph is bitching)
I just want to say that it REALLY REALLY annoys me when people say they are going to do something then don't do it or don't show up. It's rude. If you say you're going to do something then do it. It's not that difficult. I also am extremely annoyed by people who are CONSTANTLY late. Late for anything, work, get togethers... etc. What makes them think they're more important than everyone else? It just seems that way. Oh look... I'm more important so you have to wait around on my slow ass. I was always taught... if you're early your on time, if you're on time you're late. lol ok... that's enough bitching for tonight.

Better as a Memory

There are some people in this world that are better left as a memory. You move on, move away, drift apart, lose contact for whatever reason... and sometimes it is best left that way. I mean, everything happens for a reason right? There are those people that have come into my life, who changed it, who made it better (or worse) and are now in the past... why bring it up again? Why open old wounds or rekindle the past? Some times it is better to hold memories dear that you made with someone... good, bad, or bittersweet memories. At times, it is better to keep those memories untainted than to risk corrupting them with a new image of the old person. Everyone changes. Some people change for the better, some for the worse, but inherently everyone changes. Sometimes the people we once knew are almost unrecognizable. Some people are best left in yesterday and as memories. I think people have to earn their spot in today and in new memories... Sometimes it is just better to let go and say goodbye. Sometimes goodbye is the only way you can tell someone you love them. Sometimes you just have to let go.  **And now I'm rambling**

I've learned you can't change the past, you can only make tomorrow better based on your knowledge. I've spent too long looking in the rearview mirror instead of looking at what's right in front of me. So now... I'm going to roll the windows down, let the wind blow my hair, crank up the radio and cruise (forward) down the highway of life.


Cause goodbyes are like a roulette wheel
You never know where they're gonna land
First you're spinning, then you're standing still
Left holding a losing hand
But one day you're gonna find someone
And right away you'll know it's true
That all of your seeking's done
It was just a part of the passing through
Right there in that moment you'll finally understand
That I was better as a memory than as your man
Better as a memory than as your man

From "Better as a Memory" by Kenny Chesney.

I'm not moving on... I'm moving forward.

As I stated recently, life lately has been pretty turbulent. I just have to keep reminding myself to keep moving forward. At times it may be slow going, but focusing on what is ahead is the only way I know to keep myself from looking in the rearview mirror. I've gotta live and let live. One foot in front of the other. The past is behind me... I need to live for the now and look to the future. I can't live my life through "what ifs" and "maybes." Sure, I might think that way from time to time, but it is time to focus on other things.

I know today I'm a much different person than I was at age 18, 20, etc. I've grown and changed... some for the better and probably some for the worse as well. Things have happened to make me the way I am. It's good to see those that I used to surround myself with are trying to hard to change their lives as well. I'm grateful for the friendships I've had (and even lost) because those individuals helped me grow and change. I'm grateful as well for all the relationships I had. If it weren't for those men then I wouldn't be the woman I am today. I learned a lot from each and everyone of them. I don't regret the time I was with them... because that would be like regretting a part of me. Whether I like it or not (some more hate than anything) those people will always be a part of the person I am now. Each day I learn, grow, change, and really, I couldn't ask for more than that. Sometimes it's fun to wonder about what might have been or what could have been.

I'm a lucky woman because I've known love more than once in my life. I loved one person for many years and I know that I will always care about him and love him. I can't just erase that from my mind and heart. He put me through a lot and I'm sure I wasn't always the easiest person to get along with, but I hope that somewhere deep inside we've both grown and learned from our experiences. I want nothing but the best for him in the future now matter how things work out for him and for myself. I'm glad to have known him and I'm glad to still be his friend. In the end, we never know how life might play out. What's meant to be will always find a way I suppose and you just have to wait and see how things play out in the future.

My other love is my husband. I do love him dearly. We've been through a lot in our 3 year relationship. More than most newlyweds can even imagine. Infertility, Minot, miscarriage, military... the list of complications goes on and on. We have our ups and downs... Right now we're going through a rough patch and I can only hope that things will eventually get better and not worse. We have both agreed to work more on "us" when I get back up the North Dakota. I guess we will see what happens. Losing the baby was our big downfall. Honestly I would rate our relationship at an 8 or 9 before the baby... now we're at maybe a 5 (sometimes lower). Like I've said before, you just have to keep moving forward and what is meant to happen will happen.

Confuzzled

Lately there have been some things going on in my life that have really confuzzled me. I'm not sure what to do... I'm not sure what my heart or head are telling me because they're just as confused as the rest of me. I don't know what I want, I don't know what or who I need. All I know is how I feel, and that is the hard part. I know this is going to be a very vague post because what's going on I don't really want or need anyone knowing about.

I miss certain people being in my life. I miss them more than I should miss them. I can't help but think about how things might be different. I can't stop thinking about what ifs and the like. I know the past can't be changed but what about the here and now and the future? How can I change things? How can I make them better? I don't know if right now I can. Maybe I just have to endure for now and see how things work out. I don't want to make more mistakes. I'm not sure what road to take, but at some point I'm going to have to decide, and that scares me. Where is life going to take me in the next few months and years? I don't know... but I guess in the end everything will work out how it is supposed to.

Me.... Me... Me... Mememememememe

Do you ever get annoyed by those people who only ever want to talk about themselves? Those that are only concerned with themselves and what is going on in their life? The ones that never stop to consider the feelings of others?

Really... instead of asking "hey, how did your surgery consult go?" they start talking about themselves and bitching about mundane crap... or crap they know will hurt me.

There is a reason I do the things I do. I'm in self-preservation mode.
---If you've hurt me once, twice, three times, I'm done. I'm not going to continue to be hurt by you.
---If you lie to me, then we're done. I won't be your friend anymore. I don't need friends like that.

I'm sick of selfish people. I'm sick of giving giving giving only to have it shoved in my face. My breaking point will not be pretty, you can be assured of that, and if I keep getting pushed you can bet your sweet ass I will reach that point very soon.

Now that I have that off my chest, I will dispatch the knowledge I gained today at my surgery consult.

I have made the life changing choice to have weightloss surgery, as many of you already know. I am going to have a Lap-Band put in late this summer in hopes of semi-correcting my PCOS and making it easier to get pregnant among other things. I gained a lot of knowledge about what to expect in the coming few months. I already need to being my special pre-surgery diet which consists of 40-60g of protein a day and no more than 1500 calories. The 1500 calories thing will be cake because that's what I usually eat anyways. I will have to drink protein shakes for the protein intake. There was information about pre-op and post-op. I was given a whole binder of information. The place I am going for surgery is considered a "Center of Excellence" so that's good. I was supposed to go in for my psych eval (requirement of surgery) tomorrow, but because of the threatened flood, the appointment was cancelled.

On to another note. Minot is expected to hit record flood stage starting Thursday and into the weekend. The water will be several feet over what the dikes can contain. It is a horribly sad situation. 10-12 thousand people have been evacuated. Minot is centered around the river valley, all of which will be under several feet of water in the coming days. We're safe because we live up north on the AFB. I would much rather be out helping fill sand bags instead of going to work tomorrow for 6 hours, but I guess watching the children of the Airmen so they can help or evacuate is helping in some way. Any contribution helps at this point. I wish there was more that I could do. As of right now FEMA says they will provide NO assistance to Minot and it's residents. That's just effed up in my opinion.

Untitled Randomness

Woosa weekend cancelled... thank you Air Force. The one weekend I really need to forget about things (Mother's Day) and you have to take my husband away from me. I appreciate it. I know I shouldn't bitch because there are spouses to have husband's deployed, etc. but yeah... I hate never being able to make plans or have a life of my own. I feel like I'm dependant upon my husband and it just generally pisses me off.

On a different note... I find more and more as I age that you think you know someone, then BAM they blow your mind. This goes in either direction. You think you know someone then they do something horrible and disappoint you or hurt your.... or you think you know someone and they do something awesome and are a great friend. I suppose this "you never truly know someone" thing doesn't ever end does it? Boy, that really sucks.

Tuesday I mailed off my information packet to the surgeon. Hopefully next week early in the week I get a phone call to schedule my appointment. I really need to call them. I have a couple of questions about how to fill out the medical release forms they gave me to give to my doctors. I also need to know exactly how far back I need to go. I also need to know if I need to meet their standards for surgery (which are the Blue Cross/Blue Shield standards) or if I just need to meet Tricare standards, which are slightly different. I know for a fact that I meet the requirements set up by Tricare... so I hope I can just go by that because I'm really not too sure about BC/BS requirements. I just really really want this to work out. I want to know if it will sooner rather than later. I don't want to put off trying longer than I have to.

This month we are going without birth control. I really don't know how I feel about it. I really don't think I will get pregnant. I mean, in the past, I've had to have Clomid to ovulate mature eggs. I have, in the last 2 years, ovulated on my own, but one of two things happened. 1. Thayer's sperm didn't find it's mark or 2. The eggs weren't mature enough, good enough, etc. I would be FLOORED if I got pregnant on my own. I don't think I want to get pregnant (lol yeah, there's a first for everything) until I know about surgery for sure. I mean, I want the surgery because I know, in the long run that will be the best thing for me and for the babies we will have. If I get pregnant, that means I will never have the surgery, but I'll have a baby. *sigh* double edge sword I guess. I don't know what to hope for... surgery or a baby. I hope that I at least get something I want. I hate playing the waiting game. In the end, I'm going to be one of the most patient people in the world.

I also just realized that today would have been the last day of my first trimester... I hope this gets easier. I'm sick of feeling like an emotional wreck. I don't want to miss my baby anymore. Sometimes I wish I never would have tested and seen the postitive test. Maybe if I hadn't known, it wouldn't have hurt so bad to say goodbye.

D-O-N-E

I'm just done. Done with Minot, done with most of the people here, done with the drama, done with the fake people who pretend to be your friend but hang out to dry the first chance they get. I'm just done. I'm so ready to leave and we better get to leave because I really don't think I can survive another year here. We're pretty sure we're going to be able to leave, and we better or I think Thayer will be living up here for a while by himself. I'm done being sad, I'm done feeling hurt, I'm just.... done. Life was easier when I was a hermit... at least then I wasn't getting hurt by others. I'm done thinking someone is my friend... I'm done being a friend of convience, I'm done with all these "fair-weather" people. I'm done asking for help then getting no reply then having the people I ask turn around and want me to do something for them. NO. I. Am. Done. I'm done being walked on... I'm done keeping it bottled up. I'm DONE.

I've Got Friends in Cold Places.....

So... I just want to say that I've made some really amazing friends up here in this frozen tundra that is Minot AFB. They have no idea how much they help me and make me smile even when I really really don't want to. I love them for all that they do and never even know they do! I never wanted to be a military wife... and to be perfectly honest, my first experiences with other military wives really left a sour taste in my mouth. I'm glad to have finally met some ladies that except me for who I am, flaws included! I'm not perfect, no one is and I'm so happy that they understand me. I'm finally starting to come out of my shell and let them see the goofy side of me! I really can be a lot of fun... just sayin! While Minot might not be my favorite place in the world, the company I now keep is making these cold winter months worth while.

Also, to my friends back home, I love you all too! I miss you guys and I can't wait to see you the next time I get to come home! I love how we can always pick up right where we left off like we were never even apart. I know that distance can and does put a strain on any type of relationship, but I'm glad to know that I can alway call you and harrass you!

In a way... I feel lucky

I've just been doing some thinking. I'm definitely trying to stay on the sunny side of life. I was just thinking the other day about all the women that are struggling with infertility, but aren't lucky enough to have insurance that covers it like I do. I can't even image having to pay for this stuff out of pocket. So I'm lucky, in a way, that we have the insurance we do that covers everything but IVF. I'm excited about all the upcoming things and finally getting some real answers and moving on with getting some "real" treatments started. I know it's going to be rough because I'll probably have to be on Provera most months and that makes me feel like shit, but the results will definitely be worth it!

So... most of my blogs lately have been about my struggle with infertility and I'm sure most people are sick of hearing about my jacked up ovaries. Sorry, it's just been on my mind a lot.

So... what else has been going on? Not a whole lot. School is still going alright. I need to quit procrastinating so much. I keep saying that but it never seems to happen. Let's see... I've finally made some really good friends up here. People I love hanging out with and have things in common with. They're supportive of me and yeah, it makes me feel really lucky. I'm glad I kept trying to make friends and didn't give up. I was on the verge of giving up for good, and then these wonderful ladies showed up! The dogs are doing well. Kaia will be a year old next month! She's so big compared to when we got her. She's starting to bulk up and not look so skinny, and she is loving the cooler weather we've been having. She just wants to go outside and hang out. Myst is doing good as well. She's still momma's little baby, and I treat her as such. I've also applied for some jobs here on base. The Library told me they couldn't do anything with my application because I can't claim spouse preference. I've also applied to be a secretary at the vet clinic, the CDC, and the BX. I would probably like to have a job at the CDC the most, but at this point I just want my own money and to get out of the house. I only want to work about 20 hours a week so I can keep up with school. Still now news about Thayer deploying, but then again he could get orders one day and ship out a week later because he is volunteering. Guess that's all for now :)

Someone Has a Case of the Mondays, but It's NOT ME!

So I think today is going to be the start of a wonderful week. *shocker* for once I'm being optimistic instead of pessimistic! Maybe my happy pills are working?! Anyways, Thayer is home sick again today because his medicince was making him fall asleep at work. He did, however, come home and tell me that he wanted me to go to the BX and buy him nicotine patches so that he can quit smoking. After almost 2 years of marriage he is finally going to keep his promise to quit smoking! I'm so excited and happy for him! I know he'll be healthier after he quits.

Also, on the good news front I'm going to have Thayer call today or tomorrow to make his appointment for his analysis so we can move further on the baby making front. After his analysis comes back I can go in and have more tests run on myself. After his results come back they will schedule me for an exam that makes sure that my falopian tubes are open and clear and that my uterus isn't tilted. I'm pretty sure that Thayer is okay, but there is always a chance that working with the nuclear missles could have messed up his sperm count or motility. I guess we'll know soon enough. After all the test are done being run, I will start back on my Metformin and probably, Clomid. I hope to God that the Clomid works for me. When I first went off my birth control last year I was ovulating on my own, but Thayer's swimmers weren't finding the egg. So I'm hoping that it won't take much for me to start ovulating again.

I also have good news on the weightloss front. I've lost about 5 pounds since I got back from Kansas. I don't know if it's water weight or what, but the scale is saying that I've lost 5lbs! I've been watching what I eat, eating more fruits and veggies and less "bad" stuff. I do treat myself once or twice a week though.

Tonight I'm going to dinner with the ladies, Connie, Martha, Brianna, and Cristina. I think we'll have a wonderful time! I'm glad I'm finally making some friends. I've really enjoyed taking Kaia on walks with all the ladies. Kaia really likes Kenobi and loves walking with him! It's really funny how pissy Myst is when we get back from our walk because I didn't take her with us. I know she couldn't handle an hour or longer walk with her knee being the way it is. Usually when I get home with Kaia, I'll put Myst on her leash and take her for a walk around the block so that she feels special too. Myst is my baby, and I love her to death! I'm so glad we got her the surgery. She still limps at times, but she plays more and you can tell she's not in pain like she was before the surgery. I don't know what I would have done without Myst; she's my little girl!