Yay for Mommy Time!

So I've been on a bit of blogging break. My mom got here Tuesday night and we've been having fun hanging out. I love my mommy and I can't wait until this summer so I can live closer to her and the rest of my family (well... some of them.) Admittedly, there isn't a whole lot to do around here, but we're definitely making the best of it.

Things are going great surgery wise. I still haven't had any problems with any food. I'm still losing weight. I've been pretty tired as of late. I usually take a nap everyday. I really have to start stopping that. Part of it is because I haven't been able to get all my vitamins filled because they don't carry them on base and I forget to take them into town with me when I go.

Better than I Thought

So... tomorrow will mark 3 weeks since surgery. As of a few days ago I'm down 20.5 pounds. I haven't weighed myself in a couple of days and I know I'm a bit bloated because AF should be showing up any time now.

Looking back at the journey I've had thus far, I can honestly say it has been 100 times easier than I thought it would be. I haven't had any complications. I rarely feel hungry. I literally have to remind myself to eat. I haven't had trouble with any foods so far. I'm starting to really get my strength back. I go back to work next week and I'm sure that will make me pretty tired. Chasing a bunch of one year olds after surgery is sure to tucker a person out. Surprisingly, I'm doing okay with the not being able to try for a baby thing. I thought I would have more trouble, and maybe as time progresses I will. As of right now, I'm so delighted when I step on the scale that I forget about it. I know I did the right thing. I know I will be healthier in the long run. Isn't that what we all want? To be healthy and happy for our children.

I know November is going to be a bit rough. My due date is fast approaching for when Baby Hope would have been born. It's a day that will forever be in my memory 11/11/11. It also happens to be Veteran's Day. I've been invited to a couple of baby showers around the time of my due date. I think I'm just going to have to tell them I can't go. Sure, I will feel like a bad friend. Other people will probably think I'm a bitch. At this point I think my own personal happiness and sanity is much more important. I have to stay positive. I have to keep moving forward. No regrets... just the road ahead of me.

Also, Thayer and I's third anniversary is less than a month away. I can't believe it has already been three years. We've been through a lot... a LOT. Infertility, miscarriage, major surgery, military... the list goes on and on. Honestly, I think we are 100% stronger for all that we've been through. Yes we fight. Sure we're not perfect. But I think we're perfect for each other. Sometimes we get on each others nerves. Sometimes we yell. But in the end we always kiss and make up and everything is okay. I love Thayer and I'm not sure what I would do without him by my side.

*yawn*

So... yesterday was an eventful day. I went to the Fall Festival on base and worked the MESC booth for about 3 hours. It was pretty hot out. Then I went home and took a nap. Martha and Crystal woke me up and we went to Hobby Lobby to shop. After shopping, we met a couple of friends at the bowling alley downtown and bowled 3 games. Yep... I overdid it. After I got home I felt like I got hit by a truck. I know I need to start really getting my strength back. I'll be going back to work in a week and a half and it's not always easy keeping up with ten 1 year olds. I thought I could handle it because I had been doing so well, but I pushed it a little to far. I felt much better today, however. I did a good portion of my homework and I helped Thayer clean the house. My mom will be here Tuesday night!

Recheck!

So tomorrow Thayer and I are driving to Bismarck so I can have my post-op recheck. I think things are going splendid. Nothing I've eaten so far has given me any trouble. I'm now able to eat foods that are easy to chew so I can make sure I'm chewing them up really well. The only concern I have that I'm going to bring up is by one of my incision sites I feel a pain like something is pulling when I move around too much. I'm not sure if I just over did it yesterday with all the cleaning and scrubbing I did or of there is something amiss. I'll just be sure to have them check it out.

As of this morning I am down *DRUM ROLL PLEASE* 19.6 pounds!

Yay! 

Seeing the pounds steadily drop is making dealing with not being able to try for a baby a lot easier. I know my time will come. Every day I step on that scale and see a difference is one day closer to me having a HEALTHY pregnancy... and a HEALTHY baby. Sometimes I got so caught up in wanting to have a baby with my husband that I forgot about all the risks of being overweight and pregnant. It will be so nice not to have to worry about that. It will also reduce my chance of miscarriage because being overweight increases it as well as having PCOS. I will have eliminated one of those obstacles and my PCOS will more than likely disappear when I hit my goal weight! So... here's to the road ahead. Life is a highway and I know I'll eventually reach my desired destination!!

538 Days

So... 18 months after my surgery... Approximately 538 days from today...  Thayer and I can start trying for a baby again. In some ways that seems like forever, especially when you've spent the last 2 1/2ish years trying to conceive and have a healthy baby. In other ways, I know my body is going through a stressful time and I know the end result from the surgery will be amazing. I won't have to worry about all the complications (and there are TON) that come with being overweight and pregnant. I won't have to worry about my health as I age. Women who have PCOS are more likely to develope diabetes, especially if they're overweight. Basically I just did something amazing for Thayer and I's future. Some days it is hard to see it that way. Some days I still cry for the baby that should have been born in just a couple of months. I just have to keep looking at the positive right? I just have to keep moving forward. As of this morning I am down about 14lbs. That's.... AWESOME. That is over 10% of what I hoped to lose. I'm going to try... I mean I REALLY need to try and limit myself to only weighing once a week. I just get so excited and it is so much easier to look at the positive of this time off TTC when I see those numbers dropping every day. Over on the right hand side of my blog I'm keeping a ticker of my weightloss as well so I can keep track of my progress!

Surgery and stomach wise things are going better than I honestly thought they would. Today I went to the BX and we bought some items for my mom's visit. She's arriving on the 26th! I got on the elliptical for a few minutes and I also tried some new foods in my new stomach. Today I tried Broccoli, Cheese, and Potato soup, Mac & Cheese, and orange juice. I haven't had a problem eating anything thus far. I'm so ready to have some chicken with some buffalo sauce, but I know that's a long time coming. It will taste soooo amazing when I get there. Oh and I really want a Chicken Ceasar Wrap from Rockers. I just have to keep following my rules. I don't want to mess this up!

It's Been One Week (Almost)

Tomorrow will mark one week since my surgery. In the last week I have lost 9.4lbs. Pretty nifty huh? Part of that is the surgery and part of that is the only thing I'm consuming is apple juice, water, chicken broth, and jello. mmm yummy right? Tomorrow will be a big day for me. I get to start eating pureed food (think baby food). I'm so ready to have something more. Since surgery I haven't felt hungry and that seems really weird.

Surgery Story!

So I checked into the hospital Tueday night just after midnight. They required me to take a shower with their "special" soap to prep me for surgery the next morning. They then went over a lot of information and I signed a lot of papers.  The nurse also started my IV which took 2 pokes in my left forearm and digging around... when that was no good then poked the top of my hand by my wrist. They also weighed me. This took a while. I finally got to sleep around 3am. Sleeping was pretty difficult because I was anxious, worried, etc.

Wednesday morning around 9am a nurse came in and told me they would be down in a couple of minutes to take me to surgery. Sure enough about 10 minutes later they were there to wheel me down. I kissed Thayer goodbye and off he went to the waiting room. I went to pre-op where I waited around for about 30 minutes before being transported to the OR. They situated me on the operating table, gave me the goofy lalaland shot (if you've ever had surgery you know what I'm talking about) and I was out like a light. The next thing I know I'm waking up in recovery. The nurse asks me how I'm feeling and I told her I hurt. She asked me every couple of minutes how I was feeling and I kept saying that I hurt. Finally she popped off "Well of course you hurt. You just had surgery." If I knew the bitches name..... Anywho, after I was semi-coherent they wheeled me back to my room where Thayer was waiting for me with flowers. Most of the rest the day is pretty fuzzy as I slept most of it. At the end of the surgery I had a catheter, 6 incisions all from 1/2 to 3/4in long between my chest and belly button, and a drain tube coming out of my abdomen.

Thursday.  At this point I'm still on my pain drip (yay for morphine!) I was allowed to get up in my room that day. I sat in the recliner twice for about 30 minutes. I was super drowsy still from the pain meds. I was also able to start on clear liquids again.

Friday. Today was a rough day. They came and took my catheter out so I now had to get up to go to the bathroom. Getting up when lying down when you have your stomach cut open in 6 places isn't exactly a joy ride. They also took my morphine drip away and I was required to get up and walk laps around the halls at least 4 times. It was a painful day. I also started to spike a fever which by the end of the day had gone back down.

Saturday. I got to go home! I was doing well with my liquids. So they sent me on my way at about 11:30am. We stopped in Minot at CVS to fill my pain meds and other prescriptions. By the time we got home (I think Thayer chose the bumpiest road in Minot) I was almost in tears with the pain. I laid down on the couch and that's where I've been pretty much since.

Today - Tuesday again! :)  If I'm sitting or partially reclined I can get up on my own with little to no pain. If I'm laying down I still need help from the husband with the *big* (giggle) guns. (If you know my husband you know how not big his guns are). I've been doing good keeping my liquids down. I've only had a few bouts of nausea and that is mostly when taking my medications.

Anywho... 6 days post op and I'm already almost down 10lbs. I'm ready to get out and get moving again but I know the healing process will take a bit.

On a super awesome side note!!! My MOMMY is coming to visit me at the end of the month. I'm super excited to see her. I know it hasn't been that long since I was home in July but sometimes a girl just needs here mommy and after having my stomach cut apart and flip flopped all around and put (kinda) back together I deserve some momma time!

Hold Fast to Dreams

He Wishes for the Cloths of Heaven
By William Butler Yeats

Had I the heaven's embroidered cloths,
Enwrought with golden and silver light,
The blue and the dim and the dark cloths
Of night and light and the half-light,

I would spread the cloths under your feet:
But I, being poor, have only my dreams;
I have spread my dreams under your feet;
Tread softly because you tread on my dreams.

 
Dreams
by Langston Hughes

Hold fast to dreams
For if dreams die
Life is a broken-winged bird
That cannot fly.

Hold fast to dreams
For when dreams go
Life is a barren field
Frozen with snow.


For years and years I have loved poetry. I love to read it. I love to interpret it. I love to write it. Poems can bring out so much. They can open up emotional barriers, tear down guarded walls. Poems can leave you raw and renewed. Maybe it's because I have an English degree. Poetry has always been an escape for me. A way to release what is inside so it doesn't continue to bring me down.

Right now I feel lost. I feel a bit helpless. I feel scared. I feel angry and certainly a bit bitter. I feel like my dreams are slipping away and I feel unsure how to hold onto them. I can't simply cast them aside and forget. The last almost 2 and a half years DID happen. Infertility happened to me. I had a baby who was all mine and went to heaven all too soon. I can't forget. I will never forget... but how do I move on? How do I go forward with this surgery? I won't be a mother until I'm nearly 30... that wasn't my plan, my dream. How did things get so messed up? Sure, I have a good life. I have a good husband, a good house, enough money. I don't really want for anything save a child of my very own. I just don't know how to shelve my dreams and watch them come true for others, knowing that I can't even TRY.

Now I feel like I'm rambling so I'll bring this to a close... Thank you to all of you that have/do support me. I don't know where I would be without you and your words of encouragement and understanding. <3

Turning on the Light

Better to light a candle than to curse the darkness. ~Chinese Proverb



Turn your face to the sun and the shadows fall behind you. ~Maori Proverb


I'm really trying... DESPERATELY trying to find the good in life right now. I cried for the first time in about a month tonight. I started spotting so my hopes and dreams of becoming a mother now must be shelved for almost two years. For almost two and a half years we have worked, cried, timed intercourse, cried some more, had invasive procedure after invasive procedure.... all in hopes of becoming parents. I've watched countless people forge ahead with their dreams of becoming parents while I'm left just waiting in the wings crying. Now I know I will have to endure this pain for another 2 years without any hopes of becoming pregnant. We can't even try. It's hard to put your dreams on a shelf and just forget about them. It's hard to walk away from something you want so badly. It's hard to watch other's living YOUR dream... and it's especially hard to watch those people who really shouldn't be parents (for whatever reason) living your dream. It's hard to tell you're husband that you failed once again. That's what I feel like. Every month I get to feel like a failure, like I'm not worthy of my husband's love because I can't have his children. How will I go on? How will I keep my head up throughout all of this? I have NO idea. I really don't know where to even start. I guess I just have to keep looking at the positive. I have never, ever been an optimist. In fact, I've been a pessimist for as long as I can remember... so I guess I will have to turn over a new leaf as well.