So this weekend I put up our Christmas decorations. I set up the tree. It was a little bittersweet and sad. This Christmas was supposed to be different. Instead of hanging a memorial ornament on our tree for our angel, I should have been hanging a "Baby's First Christmas" ornament. Instead of being a twosome again for our third Christmas, we should have been a threesome. I teared up a little as I hung Baby Hope's ornament on our tree. I hope wherever she is, she knows how much I love her. I know I'll never forget her. How can a mother forget their baby?
I've heard so many harsh things since losing our baby. So many hurtful things. I'm over negative people. I know it's perfectly fine for me to be sad. It is fine for me to remember my child, even if some people think he/she wasn't a child yet.
Now it is all a matter of counting down the days until we can try again. Counting down the days until our family can be complete. Both Thayer and I's thoughts on parenthood have changed so much by going through infertility and the miscarriage. We always said we wanted at least 2 children. Now we think we only want to have one. It's not that we don't want to have two still, we do. We just don't want to have to go through the struggle of infertility year after year again. We don't know for certain how having surgery will affect my ability to get pregnant. We are hoping for the best, but I don't usually have the best of luck.
Admittedly, Christmas has always been a difficult time of the year for me since I lost my grandma when I was 14. She was my other mommy. She taught me so much and it seemed so cruel that a beautiful person was taken away from me. Christmas has just become progressively more difficult as more sad things have happened. Christmas just isn't the same without my Grandma and Grandpa V. or my sister Kim. It feels wrong to celebrate and be happy. I know they would want me to, but it's difficult. I know this Christmas, with the loss of our baby, will be even more difficult. I lost my faith at the age of 14, and have yet to gain a single bit of it back. It's hard to have faith when you see wonderful people struggling every day. It's hard to have faith when unimaginably cruel things happen every single day. It's so hard when people play the God card. "God will give you a baby when he thinks you're ready." or "It was God's will that your baby died." or "Pray about it and it will happen."
Welcome to the World Orion and Ronin!
Sunday, November 27, 2011
Saturday, November 26, 2011
Shrinkage!
As of this morning I am down 45 pounds. I always drop really fast right after I start my period. I suppose it is because I'm so bloated. Anywho... I thought I would share a before and after 45lbs. It's pretty crazy! I've gone from a size 22 pant to a size down to an 18. I've gone from a 44C to a 40C bra size. I will be under 200 for the first time since high school by my birthday, maybe even by Christmas. I was kind of scared to share my actual weightloss numbers, but I think I will now. All my life I've been picked on because of my weight, even though I was pretty happy with who I was. Before surgery I was at 256.6lbs. I am currently 211.6lbs. I have lost 45lbs in 11.5 weeks. I can't believe how much more confident I already am! I'm proud of myself and the journey I have chosen to take. Other people can kiss my ass :)
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| This was taken Feb 2011 (Before) |
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| This was taken Thanksgiving of this year (2011). (Current) |
Wednesday, November 23, 2011
The Yucky Medicine Again
Two weeks before my surgery (Sept. 7th) I had to quit taking my Metformin. I was relieved to finally be off of it. I took it for over 2 years and every day of those two plus years I had the runs. It wasn't pleasant, but I knew that taking it had a purpose. It helped my PCOS. It helped me have regular cycles because my body making hormones better as well as helping with my insulin resistance (due to PCOS). In my mind, I was just on Metformin because we were TTC. So I didn't really think about going back on it after surgery because we can't try until at least September 2012. I'm also on birth control now to ensure that I don't get pregnant because it could be dangerous for myself and the baby if I do get pregnant while I'm dropping weight so fast. (I hate my BC, but there are only two types I can use. I'm on Nuvaring. The other option is the patch).
ANYWHO... I didn't think I would need to go back on Metformin because I now had the birth control to regulate my cycles. It didn't even occur to me that I need to be on the Metformin for all the other reasons (hormone regulation, insulin resistance, etc.) In my mind, Metformin was a baby making drug for me. So... now that I think about it I really need to be on it so my body can work right. It will help me lose weight to an even greater extent because everything will be working correctly. I can't believe I was so silly. It didn't even occur to me until I was on a PCOS support site where women were talking about taking Metformin along with their birth control.
Stress has been slowly creeping up on me more and more as well. I'm worried about my mom. They think she has a blockage in one of her arteries. She has to go in and have a heart catherization done on December 6th. So please keep her in your thoughts. It's so hard to be away from family, but I'm sure she knows I wish I could be there with her. My mom is undoubtedly my best friend. I don't know what I would do without her. I do know that I'm going to make her and my dad (who had a heart cath done about 5 years ago) eat better while I'm living under their roof when I move back home. I'm also going to try and convince my mom to quit smoking. I know that's going to be nearly impossible, but I'm going to try.
ANYWHO... I didn't think I would need to go back on Metformin because I now had the birth control to regulate my cycles. It didn't even occur to me that I need to be on the Metformin for all the other reasons (hormone regulation, insulin resistance, etc.) In my mind, Metformin was a baby making drug for me. So... now that I think about it I really need to be on it so my body can work right. It will help me lose weight to an even greater extent because everything will be working correctly. I can't believe I was so silly. It didn't even occur to me until I was on a PCOS support site where women were talking about taking Metformin along with their birth control.
Stress has been slowly creeping up on me more and more as well. I'm worried about my mom. They think she has a blockage in one of her arteries. She has to go in and have a heart catherization done on December 6th. So please keep her in your thoughts. It's so hard to be away from family, but I'm sure she knows I wish I could be there with her. My mom is undoubtedly my best friend. I don't know what I would do without her. I do know that I'm going to make her and my dad (who had a heart cath done about 5 years ago) eat better while I'm living under their roof when I move back home. I'm also going to try and convince my mom to quit smoking. I know that's going to be nearly impossible, but I'm going to try.
Tuesday, November 22, 2011
You Turn Me Right Round Baby Right Round...
So, once again everything in my life is up in the air. Gotta love the Air Force. I'm so over being a military wife. It looks like we might be leaving Minot as early as March now. Thayer's separation date is listed as March 31st. I personally think they are trying to get him out before he goes in front of the medical review board so they can screw him out of disability. I guess we shall see what happens in the next few months. I hate never knowing what I can do with my life and having everything dictated by "the man." I'm ready for us to move on from the military. I know that it's scary for Thayer... and parts of it are scary for me too (like possibly not having insurance). I just want a date so I can start planning. For important things like moving across country I need a plan.
We still are going to be living with my parents for a short time until Thayer starts school and starts receiving his BAH from his GI Bill. I'm not nervous about living with my parents at all... I'm just nervous that my big old honest mouth will get me in trouble. I'm done putting up with bullshit from my family and I'm not afraid to speak my mind anymore. I'm afraid I will be too blunt and honest... but then again I'm not even sure I care that much. The bridge has already been burned to an irreparable state. lol Most of this paragraph has been pretty vague. Sorry... but those who know me very well know the person I'm referencing. I just don't want to start unneeded drama in my family.
We still are going to be living with my parents for a short time until Thayer starts school and starts receiving his BAH from his GI Bill. I'm not nervous about living with my parents at all... I'm just nervous that my big old honest mouth will get me in trouble. I'm done putting up with bullshit from my family and I'm not afraid to speak my mind anymore. I'm afraid I will be too blunt and honest... but then again I'm not even sure I care that much. The bridge has already been burned to an irreparable state. lol Most of this paragraph has been pretty vague. Sorry... but those who know me very well know the person I'm referencing. I just don't want to start unneeded drama in my family.
Sunday, November 20, 2011
Bullies
I'm really beinging to realize that people of all ages can be bullies. I have heard or read things from women who have to put other people down to try and feel happy with their own unhappy lives. It's really sad that grown men and women have to turn to bullying others to make them feel better about their own shitty situation. You shouldn't have to put down the decisions of others to make you feel better about your own. Maybe, if you're doing that, then you aren't truly happy with the decision you've made. Bad mouthing others is just sad and kind of pathetic when you're pushing 30+.
I chose to have weightloss surgery. Apparently that makes me lazy, unmotivated, etc. in the eyes of some people... including other women/men who are morbidly obese. Whatever. Get over yourself. After 2 years of eating health and no more than 1500 calories on top of exercizing countless hours a week I did what was right for me. Different strokes for different folks. That doesn't mean you have to bad mouth me or bully me and others that have made the decision. I have a disease that makes it nearly impossible for me to lose weight naturally. My body doesn't process food correctly because I have an endocrine disorder. Unless you've been in my shoes, then quit being so judgemental and take a good look in the mirror. If you're bullying people then you obviously aren't very happy with yourself. If you have to justify your behavior and actions by putting other people down then you obviously aren't happy about your situation.
I chose to have weightloss surgery. Apparently that makes me lazy, unmotivated, etc. in the eyes of some people... including other women/men who are morbidly obese. Whatever. Get over yourself. After 2 years of eating health and no more than 1500 calories on top of exercizing countless hours a week I did what was right for me. Different strokes for different folks. That doesn't mean you have to bad mouth me or bully me and others that have made the decision. I have a disease that makes it nearly impossible for me to lose weight naturally. My body doesn't process food correctly because I have an endocrine disorder. Unless you've been in my shoes, then quit being so judgemental and take a good look in the mirror. If you're bullying people then you obviously aren't very happy with yourself. If you have to justify your behavior and actions by putting other people down then you obviously aren't happy about your situation.
Loooooooong Week
This week was the week from hell at work. The kids were monsters, literally. All they wanted to do was hit, kick, and push each other as well as throw toys, throw fits, climb on furniture. All it seemed like I did all day was get on to them for something or another. I HATE days like that, but they occasionally happen. This week it was EVERY day. It was so frustrating! Most people do not understand the patience it takes to care for ten children between the ages of 12 and 24 months. Some days it is very mentally taxing. Don't get me wrong, most of the kids in my room I love like they are my own.... but there are some days when I just want to throw my hands up.
Moving on, I got my bonus from work this paycheck for performing perfectly on my review. I got 25/25 points :) I also got a pay raise not too long ago. That was pretty awesome. They only crappy part is that they should have been paying me that amount the whole time I worked there because the FINALLY decided to count my degree as having some sort of meaning. That means for the last year I should have been making almost $3 more an hour than I have been. Wouldn't it be grand if they would go back and pay me the difference? Yeah... a government job... I don't foresee anything like that ever happening.
My other exciting news from this week is I hit 40 pounds lost. I'm almost half way to my goal! I'm super excited. I am wearing pants 2 sizes smaller. I have a lot more confidence. I just went and got my hair done yesterday and it looks amazing. I just feel so much better about myself. I'm starting to look different. My face has slimmed down a lot.... It's just amazing and I can't wait for it to continue!
Moving on, I got my bonus from work this paycheck for performing perfectly on my review. I got 25/25 points :) I also got a pay raise not too long ago. That was pretty awesome. They only crappy part is that they should have been paying me that amount the whole time I worked there because the FINALLY decided to count my degree as having some sort of meaning. That means for the last year I should have been making almost $3 more an hour than I have been. Wouldn't it be grand if they would go back and pay me the difference? Yeah... a government job... I don't foresee anything like that ever happening.
My other exciting news from this week is I hit 40 pounds lost. I'm almost half way to my goal! I'm super excited. I am wearing pants 2 sizes smaller. I have a lot more confidence. I just went and got my hair done yesterday and it looks amazing. I just feel so much better about myself. I'm starting to look different. My face has slimmed down a lot.... It's just amazing and I can't wait for it to continue!
Sunday, November 13, 2011
Counting Down
There are approximately 210 days until I leave Minot, ND for good. This gives me 210 days to get my teaching profile completed including letters of recommendation and my official Missouri Teaching Certificate (I only need fingerprints to complete it). The pressure is really on for me since we know that Thayer will no longer be able to join the Reserves. I must get a teaching job so that we can continue to have insurance. Our insurance through Tricare will lapse 6 months after Thayer gets out. It's a bit nerve wracking. I hate being without insurance. I was spoiled because growing up I always had really great insurance. Then when I was in college for a few years I didn't have any because my dad was laid off from Boeing. Then when he got rehired through Spirit Aerosystems I had it again. I just don't want to have to worry about things. I want to make sure my prescriptions are paid for. I know if I don't get a teaching job, I can always substitute to help make ends meet, but I'm so ready to be a teacher. It's a bummer that I will not be able to finish my Master's degree next semester because the move could come right in the middle my internship. Once the again, the life of a military wife interfers. I am super excited to know that this will be my last winter here in Minot. I'm ready to move on with our lives, no matter how scary that might be. I'm ready for Thayer to go to college and get his degree in Computer Engineering and make some big time $$. I'm ready to be close enough to home where I can drive home on the weekends if I want. I'm ready to start my life as something other than a military wife.
There are approximately 299 days until we can start trying to have a baby again. Yes, I am counting down the days. We tried for over two years to have a successful pregnancy and have no child to show for it. I'm ready to be a mother. I can't wait to be a mother. I've accomplished all my life goals other than to become a mother. What more could a woman want? I have a loving husband, 1 awesome dog, 1 semi-awesome dog, a college education.... the list goes on and on. Yes, I am thankful for what I have, but I know for a fact that I would be a Rock Star Mother! I do have to say it has been nice not having to keep track of my cycles. It has been wonderful not having to have timed sex. It's been nice not having to pee on anything. I don't really like my birth control, but it does it's job. The only difficulty with not TTC has been all the recent pregnancy announcements. Jealousy has reared it's ugly head a few times, okay... more than a few times. Sometimes life just seems so unfair, but I'll get over it.
There are 77 days until my 27th birthday. I'm excited that I will have lost at least 50lbs by then. I'm not, however, excited to be one year closer 30. I always promised myself that I would be done having kids by the time I was 30... doesn't look like that's going to happen. At least I'll be a wise and mature mother who raises her children right!
So that is just a few of the things I'm counting down to :)
There are approximately 299 days until we can start trying to have a baby again. Yes, I am counting down the days. We tried for over two years to have a successful pregnancy and have no child to show for it. I'm ready to be a mother. I can't wait to be a mother. I've accomplished all my life goals other than to become a mother. What more could a woman want? I have a loving husband, 1 awesome dog, 1 semi-awesome dog, a college education.... the list goes on and on. Yes, I am thankful for what I have, but I know for a fact that I would be a Rock Star Mother! I do have to say it has been nice not having to keep track of my cycles. It has been wonderful not having to have timed sex. It's been nice not having to pee on anything. I don't really like my birth control, but it does it's job. The only difficulty with not TTC has been all the recent pregnancy announcements. Jealousy has reared it's ugly head a few times, okay... more than a few times. Sometimes life just seems so unfair, but I'll get over it.
There are 77 days until my 27th birthday. I'm excited that I will have lost at least 50lbs by then. I'm not, however, excited to be one year closer 30. I always promised myself that I would be done having kids by the time I was 30... doesn't look like that's going to happen. At least I'll be a wise and mature mother who raises her children right!
So that is just a few of the things I'm counting down to :)
Friday, November 11, 2011
2 for One
So, today was Veteran's Day and today was also my due date with our angel baby.
My goal today was to try and keep as busy as possible so I couldn't think about the latter of the two, too much. I think I accomplished my goal rather well. This afternoon Thayer and I went ice skating for free for Veteran's Day. Then we went out to lunch which made me sick for a while. The food just didn't agree with my tummy and I got to truly experience "dumping syndrome" for the first time. Needless to say, I don't want to experience it again any time soon. Sweating, nausea, the shakes... yep... wasn't a good time especially since we were at the mall. We walked around the mall for a bit and I ended up getting a coat at Old Navy for 60% off. It's super cute, but a little small right now. I should be able to fit into it by the end of the month at the rate I've been going. I also bought Just Dance 3. I had been using Just Dance 2 as part of my workout routine besides the elliptical. It's a little more challenging and has a lot of songs I like. Lets see... then we went to the Chiropractor and got snap, crackled, and popped. I feel better now. My hips not bothering me anymore! Then we went to see Immortals. It was pretty hokey and not nearly as good as 300. We were both pretty disappointed in it. On the way home we got Jimmy Johns. It was a pretty good day considering. I'm glad I got to share it with my Airman.
As far as Veteran's Day, I'm so proud of my husband and the service he has provided to this country. I'm also proud of my dad who served in the Air Force. Also, my Grandpa Mallatt who served courageously in WWII in the Pacific theater. I have many other family members that are veteran's as well. Words can not express the debt we, as a country, owe you. I know how hard the military works; I've seen it first hand. The work for little pay and at times, little respect. I was pleasantly surprised to all the praise I saw this morning in everyone's statuses on Facebook. It seemed like everyone on my friend's list said something of praise and/or thanks for those that have or are currently serving.
As for my angel baby. I miss her every day. I don't think that will ever change. I really thought today was going to be much harder than it actually was. This morning I had a moment, shed a couple of tears, then got ready to start my day. March 29th and November 11th 2011 are days that I will never forget as long as I live. Sometimes I still have moments where I'm sad and I have moments of jealousy. Things are honestly so much better now than they were 6 months ago. I know my little angel is in heaven and I'll get to see her one day, but until then I know that she is in good hands. I'm a mom now and I'll be a mom for the rest of my life. My baby, Baby Hope, was simply too beautiful and perfect for this earth. I was shown a brief piece of heaven in those few short weeks. I know that one day I will be a mother. I've come so far and done so much to try and have my perfect child. I hope that we will be able to start trying next September or so. We shall see what happens with my weightloss.
I'm down 39 pounds in 9 weeks, so I have 67 pounds to go until my goal weight. Would I be happy losing more than that? Sure, the doctor predicted a loss of 100lbs so that is what I'm going by to set my goal.
My goal today was to try and keep as busy as possible so I couldn't think about the latter of the two, too much. I think I accomplished my goal rather well. This afternoon Thayer and I went ice skating for free for Veteran's Day. Then we went out to lunch which made me sick for a while. The food just didn't agree with my tummy and I got to truly experience "dumping syndrome" for the first time. Needless to say, I don't want to experience it again any time soon. Sweating, nausea, the shakes... yep... wasn't a good time especially since we were at the mall. We walked around the mall for a bit and I ended up getting a coat at Old Navy for 60% off. It's super cute, but a little small right now. I should be able to fit into it by the end of the month at the rate I've been going. I also bought Just Dance 3. I had been using Just Dance 2 as part of my workout routine besides the elliptical. It's a little more challenging and has a lot of songs I like. Lets see... then we went to the Chiropractor and got snap, crackled, and popped. I feel better now. My hips not bothering me anymore! Then we went to see Immortals. It was pretty hokey and not nearly as good as 300. We were both pretty disappointed in it. On the way home we got Jimmy Johns. It was a pretty good day considering. I'm glad I got to share it with my Airman.
As far as Veteran's Day, I'm so proud of my husband and the service he has provided to this country. I'm also proud of my dad who served in the Air Force. Also, my Grandpa Mallatt who served courageously in WWII in the Pacific theater. I have many other family members that are veteran's as well. Words can not express the debt we, as a country, owe you. I know how hard the military works; I've seen it first hand. The work for little pay and at times, little respect. I was pleasantly surprised to all the praise I saw this morning in everyone's statuses on Facebook. It seemed like everyone on my friend's list said something of praise and/or thanks for those that have or are currently serving.
As for my angel baby. I miss her every day. I don't think that will ever change. I really thought today was going to be much harder than it actually was. This morning I had a moment, shed a couple of tears, then got ready to start my day. March 29th and November 11th 2011 are days that I will never forget as long as I live. Sometimes I still have moments where I'm sad and I have moments of jealousy. Things are honestly so much better now than they were 6 months ago. I know my little angel is in heaven and I'll get to see her one day, but until then I know that she is in good hands. I'm a mom now and I'll be a mom for the rest of my life. My baby, Baby Hope, was simply too beautiful and perfect for this earth. I was shown a brief piece of heaven in those few short weeks. I know that one day I will be a mother. I've come so far and done so much to try and have my perfect child. I hope that we will be able to start trying next September or so. We shall see what happens with my weightloss.
I'm down 39 pounds in 9 weeks, so I have 67 pounds to go until my goal weight. Would I be happy losing more than that? Sure, the doctor predicted a loss of 100lbs so that is what I'm going by to set my goal.
Saturday, November 5, 2011
People Amaze Me
Everyday I'm amazed by people, and it usually isn't in a good way.
I'm amazed that we have parents that drop their children off at daycare all day when they have the day off. I'm amazed that some of these parents are single parents who go out to the field for 4 days and are home for 4 days... and yet still those 4 days they are home the child is at daycare 8+ hours. How about you spend some time with your child(ren)? I mean really, if you didn't want them and don't want to give them the love and attention they deserve there are ways to NOT get pregnant. It makes me so angry that these people can manage to get pregnant but good deserving people can't. I just want to shake them.
Oh... and parents who come home from deployment that take their child to daycare EVERY day of their R&R. Really? You've missed how many MONTHS of your child's life and you can't take ONE day to spend with them at home. I hate seeing these things over and over again every day at work. We had a mother who was deployed 9 months. She left when her child was 5 months old. She brought the child and his/her sibling to the daycare EVERY day of her 2 week R&R because it was too stressful to spend time with her own children. Bet you can't guess what rank she wears? Sometimes (okay... a lot of the time) I really hate my job. I don't hate the kids. I LOVE and adore (most) of the kids in my class as if they were my own. I hate certain parents and how they raise their children and I hate other managerial aspects.
In other news, Thayer was diagnosed today with asthma. Some people don't know, but you can't join the military if you have asthma and they usually don't let you stay in if you develop it. The doctors think that he developed it while over in Iraq when he was working around the burn pits. Right now, all of our plans are going down the shitter and I'm beyond stressed. Thayer was supposed to leave active duty and not re-enlist active duty this summer. He was going to join the Air Force Reserves while he used his GI Bill to go to school. Now none of that can happen. So I'm stressed about trying to find a teaching job so we can be sure to have insurance. I'm stressed about moving because he might get out early through medical separation. We just don't know anything and we have no answers. People up here are incredibly slow about everything and it is so frustrating. I'm so tired of being a military wife and having to go through the run around all the damn time. I'm OVER it. I just want everything to go as planned, meaning I have to get my portfolio set up to hopefully land a teaching job. I have to figure out what's going to go on with my own schooling because if we move I can't finish this spring. I already know I have to put that off because I can't leave right in the middle of my internship or I'll fail the course. I'm so OVER having the military dictate my life. Only a few more months!
I'm amazed that we have parents that drop their children off at daycare all day when they have the day off. I'm amazed that some of these parents are single parents who go out to the field for 4 days and are home for 4 days... and yet still those 4 days they are home the child is at daycare 8+ hours. How about you spend some time with your child(ren)? I mean really, if you didn't want them and don't want to give them the love and attention they deserve there are ways to NOT get pregnant. It makes me so angry that these people can manage to get pregnant but good deserving people can't. I just want to shake them.
Oh... and parents who come home from deployment that take their child to daycare EVERY day of their R&R. Really? You've missed how many MONTHS of your child's life and you can't take ONE day to spend with them at home. I hate seeing these things over and over again every day at work. We had a mother who was deployed 9 months. She left when her child was 5 months old. She brought the child and his/her sibling to the daycare EVERY day of her 2 week R&R because it was too stressful to spend time with her own children. Bet you can't guess what rank she wears? Sometimes (okay... a lot of the time) I really hate my job. I don't hate the kids. I LOVE and adore (most) of the kids in my class as if they were my own. I hate certain parents and how they raise their children and I hate other managerial aspects.
In other news, Thayer was diagnosed today with asthma. Some people don't know, but you can't join the military if you have asthma and they usually don't let you stay in if you develop it. The doctors think that he developed it while over in Iraq when he was working around the burn pits. Right now, all of our plans are going down the shitter and I'm beyond stressed. Thayer was supposed to leave active duty and not re-enlist active duty this summer. He was going to join the Air Force Reserves while he used his GI Bill to go to school. Now none of that can happen. So I'm stressed about trying to find a teaching job so we can be sure to have insurance. I'm stressed about moving because he might get out early through medical separation. We just don't know anything and we have no answers. People up here are incredibly slow about everything and it is so frustrating. I'm so tired of being a military wife and having to go through the run around all the damn time. I'm OVER it. I just want everything to go as planned, meaning I have to get my portfolio set up to hopefully land a teaching job. I have to figure out what's going to go on with my own schooling because if we move I can't finish this spring. I already know I have to put that off because I can't leave right in the middle of my internship or I'll fail the course. I'm so OVER having the military dictate my life. Only a few more months!
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