Faith? What's that?

I'm really getting sick of this taking turns thing because it is never my turn. The last month or so I've been struggling more with my infertility. Sometimes I get so frustrated when people who... for lack of better words... don't "deserve" to be pregnant are able to. If you can't control the children you have and they act like heathens, why do you get rewarded with more children? I wish I didn't get so frustrated. I wish I could be like some women and blindly follow God. I'm sorry that I just can't do that. I can't believe that God would give a crack addict a baby over a deserving couple. I thought God was supposed to be the good guy... if that's so, then why are things always so unfair? Why would he give a baby to a child still in high school, but deny adults who have done pretty much everything "right?" It just makes no sense to me. It's so difficult to hear things from people like "If it's God's will, then it will happen" or "God doesn't make mistakes." Really? Did you seriously just say that to me? Yes... I'm sure a 17 year old or crack whore would make a better parent than a 27 year old college educated woman. Yep! Makes complete sense! Every time I hear of a "mistake" pregnancy (by mistake pregnancy I mean ones that are by accident... or a 15 year old getting pregnant... or someone who can't take care of the children they have... or people who have no business having children... etc) all I can say is "And people wonder why I don't believe in God?" I don't have faith anymore. I have no reason to have faith anymore. Some good it did me all those years when I was a good Christian. Anyways... I'd rather live a moral life than a Christian life because for many people they are not the same thing. I know many Christians that claim to lead "good" Christian lives but are really horrible people. I suppose there are always a few bad apples.

Morality - doing what is right regardless of what I'm told.
versus
Religion - doing what I'm told regardless of what is right.

Don't Ignore Infertility

This week is National Infertility Awareness Week (NIAW). The people at RESOLVE have set a challenge for Bloggers to post a blog with the theme of "Don't Ignore Infertility" which is this year's slogan for NIAW.

This slogan can mean so many different things so this blog might end up being kind of all over the place. I'm okay with that and hopefully you will stick around long enough to read all of my meandering thoughts.

 

I think one of the most diffcult aspects of infertility is the feeling of utter isolation. Myself and many others reach out to their peers for support online. I can't explain have thankful I am for all the wonderful ladies I have met through different infertility support sites and groups.

 

Sometimes I even feel alone and isolated when talking about my things with my husband. He tries to understand and be there for me, but I think there are some aspects that he will simply never understand because he isn't the one that is "broken." Our infertility is cause by me and only me. It's my fault that we haven't been able to have children. I know that he doesn't point the finger at me. I do that to myself. I know that I shouldn't beat myself up and put myself down. I know I shouldn't feel the way I do, but I really can't help it. It's difficult to not feel like it us your fault and to not feel broken.

 

Other's who haven't walked in my shoes have difficulty understanding the feelings and emotions that go along with being infertile. You can't really expect them to, but what can be done is educate them. I think one thing we really need to think about is not ignoring the fact that people need to be educated about infertility. They need to know that it is a disease. It can be overwhelming and difficult for the couple. More people need to open up and be open about their struggles getting pregnant or staying pregnant. People need to be more receptive to hearing about taboo topics like infertility and pregnancy loss. Infertility affects 1 in 8 couples in the United States. I know many people who don't realize the statistics involved with infertility. I think this is because so many couples scared, embarrassed, or feel too ashamed to talk about their struggles with getting pregnant. People need to be educated that infertility is a MEDICAL issues that no amount of relaxing, etc. can cure. It is a fact. People need to be taught about infertility and the offering of ridiculous advice could possibly serve as a catalyst for opening up a conversation about infertility facts. Education is one of the many reasons I have kept this blog. I want people to know and understand more about infertility. By opening up and bearing my feelings and soul, if I can help just one person understand then I have accomplished something great.

 

I have met so many people in my personal life that I never knew struggled to get pregnant after I came out and told them about my own struggles. We are all part of the same club. We shouldn't ignore each other either. So many times I've seen people on sites go after each other instead of thinking about and realizing that we are all in the same (shitty) boat. We are all dealing with infertility, be it primary or secondary, be it male or female or both, be it Clomid, IUI or IVF. We all are struggling with the same heartwrenching problem no matter how many children you've had previously, the cause of the infertility, or the treatment the person is currently undergoing. All those who have or are going through fertility treatments are all part of a unique club that most will never understand. This is why it is so important that we stick together and support one another.

 

Through all the treatments, tears, negative tests, miscarriage, and numerous other obstacles that have come in the way of my husband and I becoming parents I have come to realize what a strong individual I am. I also know that it has, in some ways, made my marriage stronger. This is a journey that he and I have taken on together that no one else could understand. We've cried tears of unbelieveable grief when we lost our baby, but before those tears were the tears of incredible joy when we found out we were execting. I used to say I wish I would have never known I was pregnant. Now I know that going through that has made me a stronger woman. I'm stronger than most people realize.

 

When going through treatments I think one thing that so many women and men lose sight of is how far down a road they have really gone and how amazing their journey (though an incredible struggle) has been. I can no longer ignore all I have gone through in order to have my own miracle. I have put myself through test after test, probing after probing, medication after medication, all to have a child. I've given up certain foods and alcohol. I've had a dramatic surgery in hopes of increasing my fertility and ability to conceive and have a healthy pregnancy. I can't ignore my achievements on this long and winding road to becoming a parent. I haven't achieved my ultimate goal of becoming a mother yet, but I'm on the right road and always moving toward that goal.

 

I hope that I'm achieving my goals of educating people and bringing them together so that one day women and men going through the struggle of infertility won't have to feel so alone and ignored.

 

For facts about infertility please visit: http://www.resolve.org/national-infertility-awareness-week/infertility-101.html

For more information on NIAW please visit: http://www.resolve.org/national-infertility-awareness-week/home-page.html

Operation Ovulation

Well it would appear that my little follicles have decided today is a great day to burst open. I got an almost positive OPK (it was barely lighter than the control line). I'm also getting bad cramping on my left side which is a telltale sign that my ovaries are hard at work. Today is currently CD16. It would seem that my body is getting back on its normal schedule. I'm super happy and excited about this. I'm glad for the painful cramping. I love knowing that my body is working on its own! I cannot even begin to explain exactly how ecstatic I am that this surgery may have gotten me back on track.

I can't wait to be able to start trying for a baby again, though we really don't know when that will happen. I will be finishing up my Master's this fall. This means no full time teaching job for me. It also means we will probably be without insurance for a little bit. Thayer and I will, of course, be responsible adults and wait until we have the means (aka insurance) to take care of the child. Sometimes I hate how responsible we are. I wish we could be like all the little teenagers and irresponsible people who keep having children they can't afford and take care of. Oh well... I guess my tax dollars will continue to pay for other people's mistakes and lack of responsibility.

I do have to say Thayer and I haven't exactly been to cautious this month. Part of me is so sick of waiting and paying for other people's children I just want to say fuck it and do what I want for once. Forget being responsible for once. *sigh* if only life were that simple.

This Just In....

So there have been other things going on the last week or so. I finally broke down and decided that I needed to make a decision about what to do this fall. I needed to choose between going to work and (hopefully) finding a teaching job down in Missouri or finishing up my last semester on my Master's. I would have graduated in May but I knew I wouldn't be able to complete my internship up in North Dakota because I knew we would move some time this spring. So instead of finishing school this semester I chose to go ahead and begin working on my Autism Spectrum Disorders Certificate.

It was a tough decision, but Thayer and I are in agreement that my best choice is to go ahead and finish school. If I put it off longer they could change the degree requirements, the requirements to be a certified special education teacher, or any number of other things which would require additional classes to meet the new requirements. Also, if I didn't go ahead and finish now it might be difficult to find time to go back and do it later. We want to start a family as soon as possible after I've hit my one year post-op mark. That would make going back more difficult. It is going to be rough with both of us going to school full time, but we know it is what needs to be done. After I graduate in December with my degree I will probably substitute teach or look for a para job of some sort until I can start applying for teaching jobs for the following school year. I will have a lot more job options open to me as well once I finish my Master's in addition to being able to make a good deal more money.

I've also had some interesting situations arise in my personal life that I'm working hard to try to sort out what I should and shouldn't do. Sometimes my head and heart are not always in the right spot and I get confused about what would be the best decision for me. I'm ready to get moved to Missouri and see my old college friends again. There are a lot of people I have missed and I'm excited to see them and be able to hang out with them again.

Let's see... what else... Thayer gets jealous a lot easier now. It's like my "value" has gone up now that I've lost so much weight. Last night at Wal-Mart it was really weird. He just kept touching me... putting his arm around me, running his hand up and down my side. It was like he was making sure that everyone knew that I was his. It was just.... odd. I don't know how else to describe it. I guess I must be a hotter commodity in his eyes and he wants everyone to know I'm taken now. I guess when I was fat he just wasn't really worried about it.

Ovulation, Luteal Phases, and Flow

So this month I went off my birth control to see what was going on with my body as far as my girly parts go. Now I'm even more freaked out than I was before. I'd always had an ovulation issues due to my PCOS. I didn't ovulate correctly on my own and in the past this seemed to be fixed or aleviated through the use of Clomid. I ovulated and conceived on 100mg of Clomid on my second cycle. I think we all know by now how that ended. This month after not putting in my Nuvaring I ovulated on CD12 which is early. Most people ovulate on or around CD 14. I typically ovulated on CD 16-18. Now it seems that my Luteal phase is off as well. There should be a 14 day gap between the day you ovulate and the day your period starts. This allows for implantation of the fertilized egg. Implantation usually occurs between 7-12 days after ovulation. My period started 12 days after ovulation. This is a shortened Luteal Phase. At this point, I'm not sure what all of this means. I don't know if I should be concerned or if it might be a side effect of coming off of my birth control.

What I do know is that I'm freaked out by all of this. I'm scared that I had this surgery and did all of this for no reason. I'm scared that having the surgery just screwed everything up worse than it was before and now I won't just have to deal with not ovulation but a luteal phase defect as well. I'm sure I'm over-reacting and being paranoid, but it's hard not to when this is your dream. I know that I'm healthier over all. I know that 6 months ago I wouldn't be able to participate in an hour long Zumba class 4 days a week or do an hour on the elliptical like I can now. I'm a lot more fit and healthy, so in that aspect I know I made the right decision... but what if really did make things worse for trying to have a family? I guess I will find out this month because I'm staying off my birth control this month as well. Back to counting days and timing things right so we don't get pregnant. I'm currently on CD 4 I should ovulate in about 10 days... I hope things go right/better this month and I will be able to have a little bit of peace of mind. All these waiting games are getting pretty old.

It's Been Goodbye for a Year...

What a difference a year can make... This time last year I was inconsolable. March 29, 2011 we said goodbye to our first and (thus far) only child. It took us 2 years to get pregnant with our miracle and we were on top of the world for a few short weeks until the spotting started and we found out we were losing our dream. Looking back, it was a horrible time in our lives, but I know I'm a stronger person today for all that I've been through. I still miss my little angel everyday and I know I will get to see her (or him) one day in the future. I think about it less and less and I rarely cry. There are still a few times when something happens or a mood strikes me and my eyes well up... but all and all I'm 99% better today than I was a year ago.

One day we will have a family. One day it will happen. I have to believe that in my heart.