Gorgeous-ness!

So I did it ladies (and maybe a gentleman) lol. I booked myself a boudoir/pinup shoot for October! Now to work on toning up my excess skin. You can't hide as much when you're half naked!

I always wanted to do a photoshoot like this, but when I was bigger I was always too self-conscious. I'm still self-conscious, but I decided to do it! Getting our pictures taken this last weekend and seeing how great I really am looking I thought I really needed to take the plunge. I even got a few outfits to wear for the big event, but I'm looking for more suggestions. I think I might want to do a naughty teacher/librarian look among others. I'm super excited to feel gorgeous and glam. I just wish I could look in the mirror and see the same thing a camera lens does. When looking at myself, I still feel huge. I hope that one day I will get over all of that. Maybe this is a step in that direction!

What's Goin' On

This weekend we went back to Kansas for my nephew and dad's birthday parties. We had a good time. I can't believe my nephew is four years old already! It seems like just yesterday I was at the hospital watching him be born! The trip was relatively uneventful.

Yesterday I ordered Vitex and Red Clover herbal supplements to see if they will help in the fertility area. My original order of Vitex, which should have been delieved yesterday was cancelled by the company because it was a discontinued item. It kind of made me mad. I had an email saying it had shipped, then all of a sudden on the day it was supposed to be delivered they refund the money and tell me it is discontinued. If they would have done it earlier I could have re-ordered from some place else instead of watching another cycle tick by. Today is CD12 and so far I haven't seen any sign of ovulation, thought it is pretty earlier for that since I typically ovulate late.

This weekend Thayer and I also had our pictures taken by Prairie Rose Photography. We will get a CD with more on them, but these are the ones that were posted already. I can't believe how tiny I look in them!

Back in the Swing

I'm starting to get back in the swing of things and having a pretty "normal" schedule now. During and after the move I was a bad, bad girl and pretty much quit exercising. Naughty I know! I'm back in the swing of getting up then working out then going about my day. I've done Zumba (via the PS3, 55in TV, and YouTube) the last 3 days and in addition to that Thayer and I went on a 30 minute walk with the doggies. I've thought about starting to jog or run, but I'm not sure how my asthma or bum knee will do with that. I guess it is always something I can give a try, though I've never really been a big fan of running thanks to running laps repeatedly in high school around the circle gym.

I'm also learning to let things go. Maybe people are meant to be part of your past and not part of your future. There for a while I was really confused having a certain person back in my life, but I have since come to the realization that he doesn't really want me in his life, period. He doesn't want me around as a friend. He certainly doesn't love me anymore as he claimed otherwise he would not treat me the way he does. I guess that is neither here nor there. I'm an old married woman and it looks like I will stay that way at least for the foreseeable future.

Additionally, I've decided I'm really going to step up my game and quit letting people walk all over me. I'm going to be strong and stand up for myself and what I believe in. I'm not going to be anyone's punching bag anymore. Furthermore, I am not going to continue to allow people to be in my life that don't deserve to be there. I'm not going to fight to keep people in my life either. If you want to be there, then you'll make the effort to be there. If not, then don't let the door hit ya on the ass on the way out.

I'm also going to try to have a more positive outlook. Yes, there are times that I get really upset about being infertile and other things going on in my life, but I'm going to try harder to bounce back from that. I'm going to take control. I CONTROL my destiny, no one else. I'm in charge! Imma BOSS! lol

A New Approach...

So I've thought and thought... and thought some more about my infertility, PCOS, crappy ovaries, and well just everything. I've done some research. I've done some soul searching. I've cried, gotten mad, beat myself up some for being broken. I've felt like a failure, and I've felt like completely giving up on ever being a mother. Then I decided to suck it up and figure out a way to help myself. I've been trying to think of ways to help my fertility. I've been trying to think of why I might not be getting pregnant if my cycles are fairly regular. It's a pretty good possibility that I'm ovulating.

There are only a few different reasons I can think of that might be preventing me from getting the BFP and they are as follows:

1. My uterine lining isn't thick enough for implantation. Thin uterine lining can be caused by hormonal imbalances which I am prone to because of my PCOS. The reason I'm thinking this might be the cause is the extreme lightness of my periods. I spot for one day, have one day of medium flow then two days of light to very light flow (think panty liner, not even enough for a tampon). Obviously if my periods are super light there isn't much lining for my body to get rid of. Additionally, some of my malabsorbtion issues from my surgery can cause deficiencies that could make my lining thinner as well. Of course without seeing a doctor I won't know this for sure. However, I am trying to research how to increase my lining through natural means (foods, vitamins, etc.) I will let you know how things pan out.

2. The eggs I'm ovulating are not good quality or are being released before they are ready (small follicles). Again, there is no way of knowing without doctor confirmation. However, with my past luck with Clomid, this very well could be the case.

One solution to try and help and level everything out is trying a supplement called Vitex. (Here is some information on Vitex and PCOS.) There are lot of success stories of it helping women with PCOS regulate there cycles as well as helping to increase fertility. (Vitex and Getting Pregnant) and (Vitex for Fertility). The medication helps to level out hormones within the body. I ordered some and I'm going to start taking it. What could it hurt? The dosage I'm going to start with is 1200mg a day. 1000mg a day is recommended, but with my malabsorbtion from surgery I figure the extra couldn't hurt. I'm going to try just Vitex for a month or two and see how things go. If I notice a difference or don't notice a difference I might switch to Fertilaid or Fertility Blend. I guess we shall see.

If any of my readers have any advice or knowledge please... PLEASE share it with me.

Head and Heart

Lately I've been struggling a lot with what my heart and head are telling me to do. I'm so worried and unsure of everything anymore. I completely lack any confidence in almost all areas other than my education, and even in that realm I'm not altogether 100% confident. It seems like everything is falling apart around me. I feel overwhelmed and out of control. I don't know who or where to turn because anyone I try to talk to or lean on doesn't have any answers or advice for me either. I feel so defeated.

I try so hard to put on a strong face. I try to hide all the hurt and pain. I wear a mask and people rarely get to see behind it. Everytime I try to let someone, things some how get turned around and I get hurt. I try to disguise all of my problems and make it seem like I have this perfect little life, when it is anything but perfect.

I'm sure that in many ways this post seems completely vague, but I can't put everything out there without other people getting hurt.

Nothing Says Independence Day Like...

 ** Blowing shit up
 **Drinking... lots of drinking (speaking of which... I need to make a rum run for some strawberry mango daiquiris)
 ** Cookouts
 ** Oh and getting your period.

Today has been a lazy day. I started my period today... yay! I guess I should be thankful that it was only about 3 days later than "normal." (WTF is normal anyways when you have PCOS?!) Yesterday was CD32 and I've been getting my period on CD28 since going off birth control in March. Blah... It could be partly because I have not been taking my medicine like clockwork as I was before. There were a few weeks this month where I forgot to take my Metformin and other medications. I now have a reminder set on my cell phone and it really seems to be helping me remember a great deal. Since setting it up I have remember to take my medication every day.

Additionally, I would like to take this opportunity and blog post to thank all the men and women of the Armed Forces, past, present, and future for their service to this country. Nothing can every repay the debt of the blood and sacrifices they have and continue to make. I am the proud daughter and wife of United States Air Force veterans. Until you've been in the shoes of a military spouse, you will never know the difficulties they endure for the sake of love and devotion to a man/woman who loves and is devoted to his/her country. May our country continue to stand strong and proud. SUPPORT OUR TROOPS!!!

Late Doesn't Mean Sh!t

In the life and world of a woman with PCOS I have grown accustomed to my periods being... off. When I'm not on birth control they tend to get irregular. Of course I naively thought losing 101 pounds would drastically help in this area, but that does not appear to be the case. Today is CD30 so I am officially late, but like I've mentioned before, this doesn't really mean shit to a woman with PCOS. I don't know if or when I ovulated this cycle because it was the lazy ovary's turn to pop out an egg. Tomorrow I might or might not take a test. I already know what it will say. I'm having no pregnancy or AF symptoms. When I was pregnant I thought my boobs were going to fall off they hurt so bad. I haven't had any cramping. Considering the infrequency of the BD, it is not likely that we are pregnant. I just wish something in my life would go right for once.

It is nice going shopping now and being able to shop in the "normal" people section. I still try to migrate to the plus sizes and I have to remind myself that those clothes won't fit me anymore.

Thayer and I have also decided that it is time that we get some updated pictures. We are going to a local photographer in Kansas to get "family" pictures taken on the 13th or 14th. It will me, Thayer, Kaia and Myst. Our little family. I was putting up pictures around our new place and thought... wow I really need some of the "new" me. They photog is having a sale for the month of July so we are going for it.