5 weeks and counting...

Today is the 5 week mark. I'm feeling pretty good. Peed on another test a couple of days ago with a 3 hour hold. It was darker than the others. I take that as a good sign. Still waiting on getting into the doctor and making my first appointment. It's frustrating, but I guess patience is a virtue. It's just difficult when there is no way of knowing if everything is going right. Heck, really, even if I could get into the doctor there isn't any way of knowing every moment of every day if everything is going alright. I guess I just need to have faith that it is finally my turn. It's hard when I've been fooled into thinking that before. Yes, I have my hopes up and I try not to think about the "bad" things, but I would be completely lying if I said it didn't cross my mind from time to time. I'm ready for Christmas to be here so we can tell the world our exciting news. I'll be about 8 weeks at that time. It's still before the "safe zone" but I don't want to spend the pregnancy hiding. I want to enjoy every minute because I know it can be taken away from me in a heartbeat.

Tomorrow I'm going into get my boudoir pictures. I'm so excited to see them! I know they're going to look great!

5 Weeks... just some bloat.

Symptoms: bloated, nausea on and off, acne breakout, twinges in my belly, tiredness, moodiness, emotional (crying at weird stuff), sore nipples, and swollen breasts.

I've had no cramping for a couple of days and no bleeding.

Last Installment of Thankful!

Day 15 - I am thankful that I got to have the most amazing mentor teacher during my internship. We may have been the same age, but the experience was amazing. I learned a lot and I know they had a good experience in working with me as well.

Day 16 - Thankful it is Friday and I can spend all weekend in my PJs if I want to! I love relaxing weekends where I have nothing to do other than hang out at home.

Day 17- Today I am thankful for hot, relaxing showers and bubble baths.

Day 18 - Today I am thankful for my bed. Goodnight all.

Day 19 - I am thankful for the beautiful weather. 60 degrees and flip flops in November... heck yeah!

Day 20 - I am thankful my husband helped me clean the house before my parents get here.

Day 21 - I am thankful for my Crockpot!

Day 22 - I am thankful for being able to spend Thanksgiving with family for the first time in about 5 years.

Day 23 - I am thankful for Thanksgiving left overs and the International Wine Center!

Day 24 - I am thankful for my computer(s).

Day 25 - I am thankful for the wonderful, exciting news I got today!

Day 26 - I'm thankful for rainbows.

Day 27 - I'm thankful for turning in my last homework assignment EVER!

Day 28 - I am thankful for smartphones!

Day 29- I'm thankful for wonderful, supportive parents!

Day 30- I'm thankful for my amazing husband who is going to make a great dad one day, hopefully soon!

248 Days

Well little baby bug is still plugging away. I'm 4w4d along. I'm having more and more symptoms. My hpt got progressively darker, and I've finally quit peeing on things. I got official confirmation from Planned Parenthood that I am pregnant. I needed to turn in a note with confirmation that I am indeed pregnant for insurance purpose.

I'm pretty sure I'll be moving over to the new blog once we know for sure that this baby is going to stick. Until then I'll keep posting here.

Symptoms:

Gas, sore nipples, feeling like I have to poop all the time, weird cramping/stretching feeling, BAD leg aches, and very very tired.

Tiny Update

So the line is darker today, which is a good sign. I'm going for confirmation tomorrow at the clinic. I don't know when my first doctor appointment is. They have to wait for my insurance clearance before they can schedule the appointment. The clearance should be done sometime next week. Tomorrow will be 4w0d. Praying this little bug stays sticky.

In the nearish future I will probably be transitioning to a pregnancy blog. I would like to keep this one just for my infertility journey.

254 Days to Go....

So yesterday I was having a struggle with myself...test.. don't test... test... Well I did. It is very very early, but I would like to announce that Baby Bug is due August 6, 2013. Today is 12dpo, so I'm only about 3w5d pregnant so anything could happen. My second trimester is set to begin on my 28th birthday so I'm going to take this as a good sign.

Please keep me and my little bug in your prayer. I'm scared so much of a miscarriage at this point. I had a pretty good positive today. It wasn't super faint. I'm going to call my OB/GYN tomorrow. I've only told a handful of people. We are going to wait a little while longer before spilling the beans to the entire world, but I knew I couldn't keep my readers in suspense for forever! Send me some good juju!

The line is darker in person. The camera washed it out a little bit.

Testing... Testing... 11dpo

Today is 11dpo. I took a test yesterday (one of the $.88 Walmart First Signals ones) and got a BFN. No real surprise there. I'm thinking about testing tomorrow. I'm pretty torn. Today I've been super tired. I'm not sure if I'm getting sick. My backaches, but that could be from sleeping on an air mattress for 3 nights. My temp is still up. Today I was changing out the bedding and bumped a pillow against my boob and it was like being stabbed. I hate feeling so conflicted. I'm prepared for disappointment. That's pretty much all I've ever known on this TTC journey. I just want to have a holiday miracle. I want something to go my way, just this once.

Today Thayer and I broke the wishbone from our turkey from Thanksgiving. I think we were both wishing the same thing. I won. Maybe that's a sign. Also, if I am pregnant this time around my second trimester will begin on my birthday. What a great birthday present making it to the "safe zone" would be.

So now.. the question is... to test or not to test in the morning. I do have about 6 tests sitting in the drawer doing nothing. Either way AF is due Monday or maybe Tuesday if I really have managed to stretch my luteal phase out to 14 days instead of just 13.

I just want something good to happen. I deserve that right?

It Ran for Cover

In the world of infertility, hope is very fleeting. Some days it's there, some days it's gone. Today is a "it ran for cover" type of day. For some reason I'm just feeling really down. Maybe it's the fact that I'll have to spend another holiday season with empty arms. The holidays aren't that much fun when you don't have kids and you desperately want them. I feel as if I'm doomed to be an infertile failure for the rest of my life. No matter what I do, no matter what I try, no matter what medicine I take, nothing seems to be doing the trick. I know it's my fault. I'm the broken one. I'm the one that can't give my husband a child. I'm the one that can't make my parents grandparents again. I'm the one that can't make my sister an aunt. I'm the one whose body has betrayed her. I can't even do the most natural task of a woman. My hope has ran and hid and I don't even know where to look to even try to regain it.

Today I am 6dpo. I have another week to go until my period will arrive and I will know once again that I'm a disappointment. I've done everything right... but I'm being punished. Why?... WHY!?!

I haven't cried about infertility in a while, but here I sit thinking about my childless future and can't help but for alone and desperately sad. My heart aches and bleeds. My eyes cry.

I've tried to be optimistic. I've tried desperately to hold onto hope, but every month of 1 lined pregnancy tests depletes the "hope bank" a little more. I'm running on fumes at this point.