Well... Hello There

So... once again it is that time of the month. AF reared her ugly head today. (See... I knew I wasn't prego!) My cycle was only 33 days, which isn't that bad considering my PCOS and this is only my second period since the miscarriage. At this point, if I weren't going ahead with the surgery we would start thinking about going on Clomid again to try and get pregnant because we would be "cleared" to do so. But, since I'm going to have surgery and lose weight... we won't be technically trying anymore for a while. We aren't going on birth control... but for the first time in TWO YEARS we are going to be able to have sex when we want it not when my ovaries say we can have it. That feels amazingly liberating.

I'm supposed to call the clinic tomorrow and speak with a lady who will get my medical chart sent to the surgeon ASAP! So hopefully in the next month I will be able to have my consult, then get Tricare approved (takes a few weeks... 2-6). Then, once I'm approved they will set my surgery date. Usually the date is set about 4-6 weeks after your approval. I'm starting to get excited about it. I'm so ready to go out and buy new clothes and just be... healthier. I'm ready to fit in my old jeans again from high school. (Yes, I still have a few pairs lingering at my parents house in a bin.) I'm no longer scared of the surgery. I will only be under anesthesia for about 20 minutes. I will more than likely get to go home that day. The last time I was under anesthesia it made me pretty sick. I'm hoping that doesn't happen because it's a 2 hour ride home from Bismarck to Minot. I pray that Thayer will be able to take some leave so he can help me the first day or two after surgery. I will probably be out of work for a week. If everything goes okay then I could come back a week after surgery but I would have a weight limit. I'm hoping that I can get it done in August or September. That would be ideal for me. 

On another note... I'm sick of Minot's weather. It is ridiculous that it was 40-something degrees on Memorial Day. I'm so jealous of all my friend's pictures that they posted on Facebook of them BBQing and swimming and running around in shorts. This place is soooo miserable 10 out of 12 months of the year. Ugh! I can't wait to be out of here. I really do wish I could just pretend that Thayer is "deployed" to North Dakota and go back home for the next year until he's out of the military. I tease him that I'm going to do that, but I don't think I ever would/could. I'm so glad that he has decided absolutely that he is not going to re-enlist. I could not survive another 4 years here. I think he also plans to go back in and talk to the recruiter about "Palace Chasing" his last year. I really hope he does. I would love love love to get out of here. I had gotten so excited about the prospect of leaving then they yanked the rug right out from under us 7 days before Thayer was supposed to have his final out and start terminal leave. Effing Minot!

Anyways, I think that's all for now. Much love!

Doctors, Late, and Goodbye

So I finally went to the doctor the other day and got everything straightened out in order to be able to send my medical records to the surgeon. There is absolutely no reason I will not qualify for the surgery. I'm glad it's taken care of, kinda. When I went to request my medical records from the base to have them sent to the surgeon they informed me that there is approximately a 45 day wait for copies of records. I think this is utter bullshit. I will be calling or going up to the base clinic first thing Tuesday morning to get it straightened out. I don't have that much in my file. I've probably been the the clinic on base less than 15 times so it really shouldn't take that long to copy. 45 days is a ridculous wait. I mean, I know it's PCS season but the base up here needs some serious quality control.

One to a different subject. My period is now 3 days late from the 28 day cycle stand point. This doesn't really mean anything. I ovulated almost a week later than normal, so from that standpoint I'm not late yet. Also, because of the PCOS and the miscarriage, my body could still be all out of whack. Who knows? I'll wait until I'm truly late then go to the base hospital and have my blood drawn. Once pregnancy is ruled out, which I'm 99% sure will be the case, I will go on Provera and wait for Aunt Flo to rear her ugly head. In some ways I can't help but get my hopes up. I'm still in that mind set. Adversely, I'm also scared to death to get pregnant again. I mean, I know the chance of me ovulating a quality egg all on my own is very slim... but what if I did... and what if Thayer's sperm found it... and what if I'm pregnant?... I'm so sick of living my life through "What Ifs." I hate feeling like I'm never in controls of my body and consequently, my life. It's so frustrating.

Sunday will mark two months since Thayer and I said goodbye to our little baby. I think I've come a long way in the last 2 months. I cry less often; I feel sad less often. Believe me, things still aren't a cake walk by any stretch of the imagination. Someone at work told me that from how I've been the last couple of months, she didn't even know I miscarried until someone told her the other day. I guess I must be a pretty good actress and have figured out how to keep a lot of my emotions hidden. Life is just easier that way.

I'm so glad I decided to start a blog about infertility. It helps me and I hope that in some little way, it helps someone else too. Infertility and pregnancy loss are NOTHING to be ashamed of and hide.

Lastly, I would like to sure with you some pictures of 2 items I bought in memory of Thayer and I's baby. I bought them from Bugaboo Jewelry.

Above: Glass Ornament she personalized for me.   

Below: Sterling Silver Necklace she made with what I wanted it to say. On the back of the middle circle is our baby's "birth" day. 3.29.11 and the crystal is Hope's birthstone.

So... If Honesty is the Best Policy... here it goes.

I'm having one of those days... and by the title you've been warned. I'm feeling bitter today. I have so many wonderful things in my life, don't get me wrong. But really... why can't it be my turn? Why do people get things they don't deserve? Why do the good people have to suffer? I know that supposedly God doesn't give you more than you can handle... well FUCK THAT. Yep... fuck that. I'm done. I'm done watching people that don't deserve to have kids, have them. I'm done watching people who treat others like crap get rewarded. I'm done with people who take their ability to have children for granted. I'm done with people that are just plain inconsiderate. I'm just done.

I feel like I can't go do things with certain friends of mine because there's someone there that has been horrible to me about my infertility or my miscarriage and I'm afraid I'll confront them and tell them the hell off. I feel trapped and lonely. I just stay at home so I don't have to deal with people who have "wronged" me in one way or another... and the list in Minot just keeps growing and growing. I'm sure some people don't even realize they are hurting my feelings or making me feel like shit... then there are some that I know do. There are so many judgemental people up here that it really and truly boggles my mind. How have these individuals gotten away with treating others so shitty for this long? The sad thing is, most of them have children.

I feel like I've lost almost my friends since the miscarriage. That's the honest truth. I'm sorry if I was a fucking "Debbie Downer." I'm sorry that after over two years of trying to have a baby with my husband and going through all kinds of poking and proding... I was upset, depressed, incredibly hurt, that my baby had to die. I'm sorry that I couldn't pretend to be happy to make you more comfortable. I'm sorry if I don't want to hang out with pregnant people all the time... I'm sorry if I don't want to hear about pregnant people all the time. I'm sorry that I feel I have to quit doing things I once enjoyed because hear about and being around pregnant people constantly (at least right now) makes me upset and makes me want to go the the bathroom and cry and cry and cry. I'm sorry if this blog pisses you off or hurts your feelings, but I'm being honest.

The End

Changes for the Smaller

So I went to the doctor last week to get some more things done before having surgery. I just gotta do a couple more things then I'll have my surgeon consult. It's basically 10% sure that I will be approved by Tricare. I'm not worried about that at all. Actually, I'm not worried about the actual surgery at all. A little worried about all the changes I will have to make afterward. Liquid diet for a week... baby food diet for a week... and so on. I'm pretty excited about losing weight, and no, I'm not taking the easy way out if people think that. I would love to be back down to the size I was in high school... smaller than that would be amazing. I should lose between 40-60% of my overweight, weight. I'm not going to give numbers... but yeah... I'm excited. I know it probably won't happen until later this summer. I'll be off work for a couple of weeks and then have a weight restriction for a little bit. The weightloss will be a lot more gradual than with gastric bypass. My skin will shrink back better and more naturally than it would with gastric bypass. So... I'm excited.

Between a Rock and Hard Place

So right now I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. Actually, it's more like I'm scared out of my mind. I know I ovulated this month.... but what I'm scared of is getting pregnant. I know for 2 years now that is the one things I've wanted. I've wanted to get pregnant and have a baby of my own. Now after finally getting pregnant then losing the baby I'm scared to death... PETRIFIED to go there again. I don't know if I could survive losing another baby. I don't think my heart can break into anymore pieces and survive. I know I'm a strong person. I've gone through my share of heartbreak, sorrow, and grief and come out still standing.... but I can't watch another one of my children go down the toilet. I'm so scared to get pregnant again. I'm pretty sure it won't happen as I wasn't on Clomid, but still. I didn't ovulate until late (CD 21). The month I got pregnant I ovulated late too (CD 19). What if I do get pregnant? I think I'll be to scared to even have a moment of joy and that kills me too. Having a baby should be a happy time. A time to celebrate and rejoice. It's difficult to do that when all you can think about is watching toilet paper to check for the first sign of blood. That's what I did when I was pregnant last time. I was scared to miscarry then and was constantly examining my toilet paper... and look what happened.

Love Don't Run

In our 2 1/2 year marriage, Thayer and I have been through a lot. We've loved, fought, grieved, cried, rejoiced, and hoped. We've been through hell and have come out the other side. Relationships in general have their ups and downs. Thayer and I have had mountains at times. He and I have worked together to overcome everything and come out on the otherside closer and stronger. We have a love that most people only dream of. Infertility treatments, pregnancy loss... these are things that can either make or break a marriage. I'm proud to say that we're making it. We keep trudging along, though it is hard at times. Neither one of us are far from perfect. We carry our own unique baggage from our pasts... but I can't believe how close and far we have come in the almost 3 years we've been a couple.

I picked this song because I'm sure there are times that it would have been easier for either one of us to simply run away and give up. The military throws us crazy things.. weird schedules, days without seeing him, always the unexpected. I'm not pleasant, to say the least, when I'm in the middle of a Clomid cycle. I'm pretty sure I was pretty bitchy when I was pregnant. I've been pretty emotional since the miscarriage. All these things I'm sure it would have been easier to give up and walk away, but he didn't. Thayer chose to stay by my side to help me and love me the best that he can. I couldn't ask for a better husband... even if he is an asshole sometimes :)

From a Bean to Hope

So Thayer and I were talking the other day... while I was pregnant (the short time that it was) we affectionately called our baby, Bean. After our baby went to heaven we continued calling it (we don't know the sex) Bean. After the many tears and the times of holding each other and through the grief, we decided we couldn't continue calling our beloved baby Bean any longer. Our baby, that we both loved so much, deserved a real name. So we talked and talked... and decided to name our angel baby Hope.

We decided on Hope for many reasons. She (I always wanted a girl first) gave us hope that one day we might truly be parents. She gave us hope that yes, the treatments could work for us and one day that we might have a family. She...that tiny 7 week gestation baby... gave us an infinite amount of hope. Often times hope does not come without sorrow. We've had our share of sorrow... and next time we get pregnant we hope that our little guardian angel baby will watch over her brother or sister so that we can have the family we've always dreamed of.

Baby Hope
3-29-11
Estimated Due Date 11-11-11

To Put It Bluntly....

Admittedly, I'm a very blunt person. If I don't like you... I'll let you know. I'm honest and open. I talk about my life, my struggles, my successes, in hopes that something I say can help someone, inspire someone, or touch someone's life. That is why I started this blog. I started it as a way to vent and help myself. I started it as a way to release my own emotions. After a bit, it turned into something more. I shared my story. I opened up about infertility and then miscarriage. I hoped to educate people, to inform people that haven't walked this road. I also hoped to help women in the same situation. I'm not 100% that I'm doing that, but from feedback I have gotten I believe that I am helping at least some people be more understanding of those going through infertility treatments and pregnancy loss.

Do I sometimes say things that people don't like? I'm sure I do.

Am I too open for some peoples tastes? Again, I'm sure I am.

I welcome comments, one way or another. If you like what I have to say tell me; if you don't like I have to say, tell me that too.

If I'm too blunt for your tastes, that's unfortunate, but I'm not going to change.

O is for... OVULATION!

So... I think my ovaries are putting on their big girl panties and ovulating on their own again. No way of knowing if the egg was a good mature one, but hey... one step forward. We aren't trying this month... but we aren't not trying. By not trying I mean we aren't using birth control. The doctor wanted me to for another month because I was still having pain from the MC and I'm still having pain at times from it. I'll probably bring that up with my PCM Monday when I have an appointment before I go meet with the surgeon soon. Fun times. It really sucks to have a sharp stabbing pain whenever you reach your big "O." It only lasts a second... but still it kinda kills the mood ya know? 

I just wish I had a simple life with everything handed to me on a silver platter like some people. Wouldn't life be grand then? I wish I was like some people and could get pregnant the month I started trying... shoot if that would have happened I would have a child over a year old now.

People I know are getting knocked up left and right and it makes me jealous/envious and angry. I know life isn't fair... but damn. I put on a happy face and say all the right things, but inside I'm crying and heartbroken. I dread going to work... I dread going to different events because all people want to talk about is who's pregnant and blah blah blah. Really... I go to things to get away from these things, to get away from my life and my hardships. I think that's why I've become a hermit again. It's way easier to just stay at home than to go out and listen to it all the time and have to go to the bathroom to cry or make an ass out of myself in public.

I'm so sick of listening to people bitch about being pregnant. Get over it already. If you didn't want to get pregnant then there are things to protect against it. Yes, being pregnant makes you tired... it makes you nauseous... so on and so forth... but there are people that would LOVE LOVE LOVE to feel that way. When I was pregnant... every time I felt so tired I could drop after work it was a reminder that FINALLY I'm going to be a mom. Everytime I felt sick to my stomach or I bumped my boob on something and it hurt so bad I almost cried... I took it as a reminder that FINALLY I get to give my husband a child. So instead of bitching all the time... why don't you take it as a reminder that you have something growing inside you that some people would love to have.

I go Monday to meet with my PCM one more time before I meet with the surgeon. I gotta get med refills and a referral to a psychiatrist. They make you see a Psych before hand to make sure you're mentally prepared for the drastic lifestyle changes that you'll be undergoing and so that you're realistic in your expectations. If you don't pass your psych exam... that means no surgery for you. I'm sure I'll have no trouble meeting their standards.

A Brief History of Shit

First off... there are a lot of things that most people don't know about me. NUMBEROUS things that have happened to me in my life that I don't talk about. Some of them have left deep scars and if that bothers you... if you can't handle me at my worst then you don't deserve to be my friend at my best. I thought friends were supposed to be there through thick and thin, but I've been shown that, that is not the case more times than I can count.

Brief account of  some of the shitty things that have happened in my life...

1. Before I was a teenager I dealt with a lot of shit care of my sisters. Growing up I was always distinctly aware that they hated me for no reason other than I was alive. Things got better from time to time, and were generally better by the time I hit adulthood.

2. By the time I was out of high school I lost over a dozen family members to cancer including my grandmother who was like a mother to me. I would literally go and spend weeks on end with her during the summer. It was like my mother had died.

3. From the age of 17 to almost 21 I was in an emotionally and physically abusive relationship. I was told I was worthless and a piece of shit on almost a daily basis. I was told that no one else would ever love me. I was told countless horrible things. Then the hitting began. First it was a pinch that caused a huge bruise that lasted weeks on my boob. Then it was a slap in the face... then finally the night before I left him he tried to choke and kill me.

4. In 2004 my grandfather, who I had been very close to died suddenly. There is a lot of guilt there even now because I had gotten into a fight with him over his no good piece of poop girlfriend.

5. In 2007, my middle sister was murdered. Yes, you read that correctly. She was shot in the head. I can't and really don't want to go into the details... other than the police handled it horribly. The man that killed my sister is still walking free today. The police beyond fucked up and now they can't find the guy that shot my sister in cold blood.

6. In 2009, Thayer and I began trying to have a family. I have endured numerous painful procedures to try and have child. I have a transvaginal wand stuck up my twat twice a month and it hurts like crazy each time because I have an ovary that hides so they have to dig like crazy in my vajayjay to try and get a picture. I've had more people than I care to count look up and at my vagina. What do I have to show for my pain and patience? A dead baby.

7. 2011, I finally got pregnant, only to lose the baby. Until you've been in my shoes. Until you've tried for 2+ years to get pregnant with your husband. Until you've watched your baby being flushed down the toilet... the baby you've toiled for, cried for, longed for...

This is just a small taste of what has happened in my life.

Do I let it get to me? Yes, sometimes I do. I do especially around anniversaries of things or birthdays of my grandma/grandpa. Yes, I let it get to me. I try not to let it rule my life.

Does it sometimes rule my life? Yes, I would be lying out my ass if I told you different.

Does it hurt every day that my baby is not with me? You bet your ass it does.

Do I do better when I'm on antidepressants? Yep. I know for a fact I do. Antidepressants and taking them doesn't make me weak or lazy. In fact, admitting I had a problem and I needed help was very difficult for me. I'm not currently on my meds because I went off them when we found out I was pregnant so they wouldn't hurt the baby. Guess I should have just kept on them.


The moral of the story... don't judge people. Instead of assuming things about someone, ask them. Instead of calling them a "Debbie Downer" or "Negative Nancy" maybe stop and take 2 minutes out of your day and ask them, "Hey, what's bothering you?" You may never know what you'll find out or discover about someone. I never knew how unkind and judgemental people could be until I moved up here. I guess people in other parts of the country were just raised different than I was in Kansas. People really need to learn to 1. ask questions and not assume and 2. walk a mile in someone else shoes.

Untitled Randomness

Woosa weekend cancelled... thank you Air Force. The one weekend I really need to forget about things (Mother's Day) and you have to take my husband away from me. I appreciate it. I know I shouldn't bitch because there are spouses to have husband's deployed, etc. but yeah... I hate never being able to make plans or have a life of my own. I feel like I'm dependant upon my husband and it just generally pisses me off.

On a different note... I find more and more as I age that you think you know someone, then BAM they blow your mind. This goes in either direction. You think you know someone then they do something horrible and disappoint you or hurt your.... or you think you know someone and they do something awesome and are a great friend. I suppose this "you never truly know someone" thing doesn't ever end does it? Boy, that really sucks.

Tuesday I mailed off my information packet to the surgeon. Hopefully next week early in the week I get a phone call to schedule my appointment. I really need to call them. I have a couple of questions about how to fill out the medical release forms they gave me to give to my doctors. I also need to know exactly how far back I need to go. I also need to know if I need to meet their standards for surgery (which are the Blue Cross/Blue Shield standards) or if I just need to meet Tricare standards, which are slightly different. I know for a fact that I meet the requirements set up by Tricare... so I hope I can just go by that because I'm really not too sure about BC/BS requirements. I just really really want this to work out. I want to know if it will sooner rather than later. I don't want to put off trying longer than I have to.

This month we are going without birth control. I really don't know how I feel about it. I really don't think I will get pregnant. I mean, in the past, I've had to have Clomid to ovulate mature eggs. I have, in the last 2 years, ovulated on my own, but one of two things happened. 1. Thayer's sperm didn't find it's mark or 2. The eggs weren't mature enough, good enough, etc. I would be FLOORED if I got pregnant on my own. I don't think I want to get pregnant (lol yeah, there's a first for everything) until I know about surgery for sure. I mean, I want the surgery because I know, in the long run that will be the best thing for me and for the babies we will have. If I get pregnant, that means I will never have the surgery, but I'll have a baby. *sigh* double edge sword I guess. I don't know what to hope for... surgery or a baby. I hope that I at least get something I want. I hate playing the waiting game. In the end, I'm going to be one of the most patient people in the world.

I also just realized that today would have been the last day of my first trimester... I hope this gets easier. I'm sick of feeling like an emotional wreck. I don't want to miss my baby anymore. Sometimes I wish I never would have tested and seen the postitive test. Maybe if I hadn't known, it wouldn't have hurt so bad to say goodbye.

Burning the Candle at Both Ends

Overworked.
Underpaid.
Overstressed.
Worn Out.
Tired.
Depressed.
Over-educated.
Under appreciated.
Underwhelmed and Overwhelmed.
Burned Out.
Disgruntled.

.... The list could go on and on.

I just feel so (see the above list). School. Work... WORK. Infertility. Family. Miscarriage. Military life. Surgery. I'm not even sure where to begin or end. I need a woosa day. I'm really thinking that Thayer and I need to take a weekend and go somewhere... ANYWHERE and stay the night away from this place. I need to get away and July simply isn't coming fast enough. At this point we're not even sure if Thayer can go with me back home to Kansas. All I know is... I might need a friend to watch the dogs this weekend so we can have some married couple time alone and the hell away from Minot.

Becoming A Mother... Mother's Day...

Thoughts on Becoming a Mother


There are women that become mothers without effort,
without thought, without patience or loss and though
they are good mothers and love their children,
I know that I will be just as good a mother.


It will be not because of genetics,
or money or that I have read more books but because I have
struggled and toiled for this child.
I have longed and waited. I have cried and prayed.
I have endured and planned over and over again.

Like most things in life, the people who truly have
appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams.
I will notice everything about my child.
I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore and discover.


I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life.
I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night
to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort,
hold and feed him and that I am not waking to take
another temperature, pop another pill, take another
shot or cry tears of a broken dream.
My dream will be crying for me.


I count myself blessed in this sense; that God has given
me this insight, this special vision with which I will
look upon my child that my friends will not see.
Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to
or a child that God leads me to,
I will not be careless with my love.

I will be a better mother for all that I have endured.
I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter,
neighbor, friend and sister because I have known pain.
I know disillusionment as I have been betrayed by my own body.

I have been tried by fire and hell many
never face, yet given time, I stood tall.
I have prevailed. I have succeeded. I have won.
So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from
their pain in order to save myself discomfort.
I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs.
I listen. And even though I cannot make it better,
I can make it less lonely.
I have learned the immense power of
another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that
moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth and
when life is beyond hard. I have learned a compassion
that only comes with walking in those shoes.

I have learned to appreciate life.
Yes I will be a wonderful mother.


~Author Unknown

 
 
 
“Happy Mother's Day”

it comes around every year;
but when you have empty arms,
it's very hard to hear.


It's a day to celebrate a mother,
for all the trials she overcame;
and a reminder to an infertile
of her loneliness and shame.


But what really makes a mother,
Is it just conception and birth?
Or is there something more,
that shows a mother's worth?


It's putting your child first,
in everything you do;
it's sacrifice and determination,
and love and patience too.

An infertile woman makes all her plans,
around a child not yet conceived;
she loves them even though they aren't here,
more than she ever could have believed.

She appreciates and understands,
what a blessing that children are;
she works hard for just a chance,
that motherhood is not that far.


All odds are stacked against her,
and yet she still has hope;
everyday is another struggle,
finding ways to help her cope.

So even though her arms are empty,
she can still be a mother too;
So say a special “Happy Mother's Day”
for those waiting for their dreams to come true!

Two Mother's Days

I'm celebrating two Mother's Days this year. Today is Babylost Mother's Day for all mommies who have lost their babies or children. Thayer is out in the field today watching water. Yes, he is literally watching water making sure it doesn't get in the ICBM silos. Today I get to remember our baby by myself. I get to grieve alone and cry all I want without feeling guilty. Sometimes I feel guilty for crying around Thayer because I know it makes him feel bad. I don't want to hurt him.... It's just a vicious circle I guess. Today I lit a candle for Baby Bean and placed it next the the Willow Tree Prayer Angel I got the day I started bleeding from my miscarriage. It is Bean's angel. I know he/she is up in heaven with all my family.

Thayer and I will also be celebrating the regular Mother's Day. We are going to celebrate our love and strength. We've been through so much in our marriage even outside of infertility and the miscarriage. We are celebrating the patience (and sometimes lack there of) in our quest to become parents. We are going to celebrate the love we have for our baby and the fact our love produced a miracle. Some may say we shouldn't celebrate Mother's and Father's day because we don't have a child on earth. My baby is in heaven and we love him/her just as much as any parent who has a child on earth.