Infertiles....

Sometimes other infertiles infuriate me more than fertiles. I know we're all on the same shitty path. I know infertility sucks. I know that losing a baby sucks. I've been there... done that... currently doing it... Some people just aren't very logical.

When I first got pregnant I announced it to the world. I wanted EVERYONE to know. I knew so many people had been hoping and praying for me. I felt it almost necessary to tell them that FINALLY we had some success. Our success, however, was cut bitterly short. I guess it's one of those things you'll never understand until you've been there. You'll never understand that it's better to not count your chickens before your eggs hatch. You'll never understand the heartbreak and pain of having to tell all those people that you failed. I don't understand why so many people announce their pregnancies before they're 12 weeks. I will NEVER make that mistake again. In my opinion, it just makes having a miscarriage 100 time worse because you have to relive it EVERY SINGLE TIME you have to tell someone you aren't pregnant anymore. Maybe people don't realize that 25% of pregnancies end in a miscarriage. A staggering statistic if you think about it. You only have a 75% of making it to 12 weeks pregnant.

Also, I know I'm going to come off as completely harsh here... but I need to vent. I DON'T understand how someone can sit there and say they can't afford to save up for a $300 test... or a $100 co-pay for an ultrasound... but then say they can afford a baby. I understand people wanting to have more kids... or wanting to have children period. But.... If you can't afford a $200 ultrasound every month to see if your follicles are growing... how are you going to be able to afford diapers, formula, clothing... all the necessities that a baby will need. Things just don't add up. Maybe it's because I'm blessed to have insurance and will always have that blessing... maybe it's because I was smart enough to go to college, get married, and then start trying for a family. I'm sure a baby is going to run you AT LEAST $200 a month.

Another thing, I'm sick of my tax dollars going to dead beats who just keep popping kids out that they can't afford. I can't even get a tax break for fertility treatments but you can sit on your ass for months.. NO YEARS and live off my hard earned money. RIDICULOUS! I'm so glad that some states are making it mandatory to be drug tested to get government help. They should have done that years ago and it needs to be a policy implemented nation wide!!!

Also.. I'm going to be deleting a few friends off facebook. I'm sick of being pounded daily by the "I'm so nauseous" or "oh my boobs hurt" posts. Get the fuck over yourself. It could be worse. You could be NOT pregnant because you lost your child. Suck it up and be grateful. MILLIONS of women struggling with infertility would LOVE  LOVE LOVE to be in your shoes.

lol sorry for the rant/vent... but it's been a LONG time coming :) Now you may return to your regularly scheduled program... Oh and if you don't like my opinion... I really don't care :)

Bumpy Road

This last week has been pretty bump. I've been especially moody and so has Thayer. Two moody people make for an unhappy household. Hopefully things get better soon. I've had it up to my ears with everything. I know part of my moodiness is from being on and just getting off of my period. There were other things that just made this week hard. It just seems that everywhere I look there is a reminder that I'm not pregnant, that I'm not going to be a mom. Facebook announcements... people who started trying after me who got pregnant and had a baby and are now announcing their second pregnancy... while I'm still waiting on baby #1.

I hate how bitter and angry I am at God. I believe in God. I'm an Agnostic Theist. I believe in a higher power. Right now I just believe that He, whoever He is, is cruel and heartless. He's unfair and unjust. He's and Indian giver (I knowm not politically correct). He lets good people, genuinely great people suffer while people who are horrid get everthing their little heart desires. He doesn't give things to those that deserve it, but instead rewards those who don't. I know all that I've just said will probably make some people angry. Heck, it might even make some people not want to be my friend anymore. So be it. I thought I believed in Karma, you know... that you reap what you sew. I'm not so sure anymore. I've been doing lots of good things with my life. I always have. I volunteer. I help people out.... but where is any of it coming back to me? What have I done in my life so horrible as to deserve this punishment of infertility?

To top it off, other things in my life have become complicated and just weird. I'm so ready for my vacation and to get away from Minot for at least a little while. I need a break from everything, and honestly it can't come fast enough.

On a better note, the clinic on base got my records sent down to the surgeon. I go for my first consult on June 21st. I hope that Thayer will be able to go with me. On the 22nd I go in for my Psych eval that they make everyone have prior to surgery. The first consultation with the surgeon will be pretty basic. After they get that information and the info from the consultation they will submit it to Tricare and wait for approval. We will also discuss potential surgery dates because they will have a pretty good idea how long it will take Tricare to approve me for the surgery.

So... If Honesty is the Best Policy... here it goes.

I'm having one of those days... and by the title you've been warned. I'm feeling bitter today. I have so many wonderful things in my life, don't get me wrong. But really... why can't it be my turn? Why do people get things they don't deserve? Why do the good people have to suffer? I know that supposedly God doesn't give you more than you can handle... well FUCK THAT. Yep... fuck that. I'm done. I'm done watching people that don't deserve to have kids, have them. I'm done watching people who treat others like crap get rewarded. I'm done with people who take their ability to have children for granted. I'm done with people that are just plain inconsiderate. I'm just done.

I feel like I can't go do things with certain friends of mine because there's someone there that has been horrible to me about my infertility or my miscarriage and I'm afraid I'll confront them and tell them the hell off. I feel trapped and lonely. I just stay at home so I don't have to deal with people who have "wronged" me in one way or another... and the list in Minot just keeps growing and growing. I'm sure some people don't even realize they are hurting my feelings or making me feel like shit... then there are some that I know do. There are so many judgemental people up here that it really and truly boggles my mind. How have these individuals gotten away with treating others so shitty for this long? The sad thing is, most of them have children.

I feel like I've lost almost my friends since the miscarriage. That's the honest truth. I'm sorry if I was a fucking "Debbie Downer." I'm sorry that after over two years of trying to have a baby with my husband and going through all kinds of poking and proding... I was upset, depressed, incredibly hurt, that my baby had to die. I'm sorry that I couldn't pretend to be happy to make you more comfortable. I'm sorry if I don't want to hang out with pregnant people all the time... I'm sorry if I don't want to hear about pregnant people all the time. I'm sorry that I feel I have to quit doing things I once enjoyed because hear about and being around pregnant people constantly (at least right now) makes me upset and makes me want to go the the bathroom and cry and cry and cry. I'm sorry if this blog pisses you off or hurts your feelings, but I'm being honest.

The End

We all have these kinds of days... right?

Today was a bad day... no other way to describe it. It was a horrible, rotten, no good, very bad day. It started off with Kaia waking me up whining over and over again. Then I got up and got started on my homework and nothing was going right. I didn't understand one part of the project. I needed more ink for my printer... then after Thayer had already ran to the BX, I realized I was out of paper too. I was just so moody. Then I looked around and saw that the house was a mess. While I was struggling with my homework, my husband was sitting on his computer playing a game. It just didn't seem fair at all that I worked 6 days this week, then had to do homework... and then had to do all the housework. So I snapped. I mean I went off on him... I ripped him a new asshole. I yelled, I screamed, I just.... Snapped. When I was mad and yelling at him the truth came out.. and we ended up just holding each other and crying. I was mad at him, deep inside, for not being there when I lost the baby. First, he wouldn't go to the hospital with me... and then when I was crying and in so much pain when I passed the baby he was lying on the couch sleeping his lunch break away. At one point I was lying on the couch crying loudly, he woke up and asked me what was wrong... then just went back to sleep. I was ANGRY... I was angry that I had to throw our baby away. I was angry that he got to sleep while I had to flush our baby down the toilet. I was angry because I thought he was semi-happy that I lost the baby and with the move and getting out of the Air Force... it would just be easier to not have the baby. I was angry because he didn't seem to care. I could go on and on... I was just so angry. I'm glad it is out in the open... I'm glad we got it out of the way. I just wish I could have calmly talked to him about it. I don't think I would have ever talked to him about it, had we not fought though. Everything is fine now... but it was seriously a bad day.

Lately I've just been so stressed and frustrated... school, work, moving (not knowing about moving), the miscarriage.... It's just so much to deal with it. I feel overwhelmed and all alone at times. I'm one of those people that feels they always have to be strong, not talk about it, deal with it on my own.... That's just how I am. I don't talk... and then it all builds up.

This not knowing about moving is driving me crazy. We know we have to be out of Minot by the 31st of May... but we have no check list. We have no orders... we have nothing to go off of. The papers are signed so we know we're leaving by the 31st... but that is ALL we know. Not being able to plan anything is killing me. It is so frustrating.