Last Ditch Effort

So I'm going to town today to pick up my last and final refill of Clomid. I am expecting AF this coming Friday based on my date of ovulation. There is just a teeny tiny chance that I could have gotten pregnant this month. I ovulated and got home within the same 24 hours. The chances are pretty narrow, but I guess we shall see. When I ovulated it hurt horribly bad... lol Not sure if that is a good thing or a bad thing.

I'm dreading the Clomid again because I know how sick it makes me. Thayer is dreading it because he knows my mood swings are only going to get that much worse. Thayer and I both agreed to give getting pregnant (and staying pregnant) one last shot before surgery and having to postpone TTC for 18+ months. It's hard to think about giving up my dream for that long. To know that there will be no hope of me becoming a mother all those months, but I guess in the end it will be worth it if we don't get pregnant in August. Then I can't help but be worried if we do get pregnant in August. I'm so scared of being pregnant again. I'm scared that another one of Thayer and I's babies will die.

So... here's to another month of Clomid... another month of mood swings, nausea, headaches, and hot flashes.

Just a Day.. Just an Ordinary Day...

Yesterday was four months since I lost Baby Hope. I can't believe it has already been four months since we said our painful goodbye. I still think about him/her every day. I cry a little bit less as each month passes. I'm learning to let go and let what will be... simply be. It's still hard accept that my little baby had to go to heaven.

I know I'm a strong person, stronger than I ever thought I could be or would need to be. This has only made me more strong. I hope in the end that it also makes Thayer and I's relationship stronger as well.

Things have been better since I got back up here. We're trying to work on us. Things are by no means perfect, and I don't expect them to ever be perfect. lol We aren't in the "honeymoon" stage anymore. Today he actually helped me clean the house. Then he came into the kitchen (that I was cleaning) and pulled me away and danced with me. It was cute. We really have been through a great deal in the last year.

It's hard to believe that Thayer and I just started dating 3 years ago... and have been married almost 3 years as well.

Jealousy?? Maybe... Maybe not.

"It’s not because you’re not happy for them, but it’s because they are living your dream right in front of you." (From this Blog Article)

This is one of the most amazing things I've read. It's hard... UNBELIEVEABLY difficult to hear of yet another person being pregnant. Honestly... it's not that I'm not happy for them... it is that my heart is breaking a little more for myself. Infertility is heartbreaking. Even that word doesn't truly accurately describe the feelings someone goes through on this long, winding, horrible rollar coaster. There are so many people that take getting pregnant for granted. That don't take care of themselves while their pregnant... are consumed with gaining weight or being fat, bloated etc. What I wouldn't give to still be pregnant? I would give everything to feel my baby move inside my stomach. I would be nearing 25 weeks... It doesn't seem like I said goodbye nearly 4 months ago.


Since the beginning of our marriage, Thayer and I have been through a lot. His father not "approving" of me... infertility, military life, miscarriage... the list goes on and on. This doesn't even get into the baggage he and I have individually from past relationships. Sometimes I think we're almost to the breaking point, then somehow we pull something out of our ass. I love him. I really do. We've gone through more in the first 3 years of our marriage than some couples go through in 10 or 15 years. Here we are... still together, trying to make it work... giving it all we have. <3

I've seen time and time again that no one else would put up with me. I'm blunt... honest... I tell people how it is. I tell people how I feel, whether they're going to like what I have to say or not. I'm not apologizing for it either. :)

Winding Down

So my vacation is winding down. I go back to work on Monday :( Boo!

I got back home today... Double Boo! (stupid Minot).

I have lots to do next week. I need to call the Ward County Jail to set up a day to get my fingerprint cards done to get my teaching certificate. I also need to fill out my FAFSA and enroll in classes for fall... I've been a bad girl for not doing it yet. I just really don't want to go back to work. I really hope that I'll be able to get a job with the school district or I might just be a stay at home wife again. I would really like to get on as a substitute teacher, which is the reason I'm getting my teaching certificate now. If that doesn't happen I know I will be trying for a para job either on base or downtown in Minot.

I know work isn't going to be happy with me. I'm just getting back from vacation, but now I have to ask for 3 weeks off. Though, hopefully by then I won't even be working there anymore. I'm going to be having my surgery Sept. 7th. That will allow us the opportunity to do one last round of Clomid before having to take 18+ months off from TTC. We shall see what happens with that.

I ovulated yesterday... one day too early to try this month as I didn't get back to Minot until today. At least I ovulated all on my own (I know for sure because it hurt!)... and I ovulated on CD18.

I hope things start going better for Thayer and I. We could really use a break. I love him dearly, and I know I haven't been the easiest person to live with as of late. I've also been confused about things from the past. I came into our marriage with a good amount of baggage and I spent the better part of the last week trying to figure that all out. I think I've finally got my head on straight! I've come to realize that I may always love and care about a person and that is perfectly okay, but that doesn't mean that my marriage was a mistake or the wrong decision.

Mary the Confessor

Edward the Confessor by The Divine Comedy


I'm so sorry
Please forgive me

For knowing that I'm wrong but insisting I'm right
For wanting everything to be either black or white
For wallowing in self-pity, confessing all my sins
For studying my thoughts till my head caves in
For all the things I've said but regret so much now
For all the things I should have said but I couldn't somehow
For all the times I've meant them
And I've known them for so long
But I still get endings wrong

I'm so sorry
Please forgive me
For trying to be all things to all men
For shelving my objectives time and time again
For looking for perfection in everything I do
When really I need only look as far as you

For demanding to be loved by someone new each year
Then dispatching quietly over a pint of beer
Well yeah, I did it without malice
And I did it without shame
But I did it just the same

I'm so sorry
Please forgive me

For coming home from work in the middle of the night
For waking you up with the bathroom light
For wanting to touch you with these cold cold hands
For wanting to have you just because I can
For always running from an argument
When I ought to stand and fight
For suppressing my emotions
'cause I'm too goddamn polite
and then for thinking that by simply saying sorry
I could suddenly make everything alright
I'm so sorry please forgive me...
I'm so sorry please forgive me...

 
 
I'm sorry for all the things I've done wrong in my life. Maybe I don't regret somethings as much as I should. Maybe things could have turned out different. I'm sorry. Some parts of this song really hit me (things I've placed in bold/italics)... because they describe me as well. We all have our issues... our troubles... etc. I'm sorry to those I've hurt and I'm sorry I've let others hurt me so much. The list could go on and on, but that is not the point of this post. I'm sorry for sometimes not being sorry at all. Maybe one day things will turn out right, maybe one day things will be perfect.... (lol yeah right). Here's to hoping, but until then I'm sorry.

Not That Girl Anymore

(posting from phone... it doesnt always like to capitalize, etc.)

I have decided that I'm not going to be that girl anymore. You know the type....  the one that always seems to go back for more when she gets knocked down... the one that never seems to learn from the past (at least relationship wise). I am not going to be the girl that gets walked on anymore. I am not going to allow my heart to dictate as much of my life. No longer will I wear my heart on my sleeve. I will not allow myself to be so vulnerable and so naive as to think people might actually have changed. I will be more guarded... less forthcoming with my feelings. I will be different... colder...harsher.  I will protect myself more. I will not trust so easy. Thank you for showing me my flaws. I may have gotten hurt (again), but at least I can come out standing tall and fighting back. End of story.

I think I've finally learned my lesson. It only took me how many years?

I'm not moving on... I'm moving forward.

As I stated recently, life lately has been pretty turbulent. I just have to keep reminding myself to keep moving forward. At times it may be slow going, but focusing on what is ahead is the only way I know to keep myself from looking in the rearview mirror. I've gotta live and let live. One foot in front of the other. The past is behind me... I need to live for the now and look to the future. I can't live my life through "what ifs" and "maybes." Sure, I might think that way from time to time, but it is time to focus on other things.

I know today I'm a much different person than I was at age 18, 20, etc. I've grown and changed... some for the better and probably some for the worse as well. Things have happened to make me the way I am. It's good to see those that I used to surround myself with are trying to hard to change their lives as well. I'm grateful for the friendships I've had (and even lost) because those individuals helped me grow and change. I'm grateful as well for all the relationships I had. If it weren't for those men then I wouldn't be the woman I am today. I learned a lot from each and everyone of them. I don't regret the time I was with them... because that would be like regretting a part of me. Whether I like it or not (some more hate than anything) those people will always be a part of the person I am now. Each day I learn, grow, change, and really, I couldn't ask for more than that. Sometimes it's fun to wonder about what might have been or what could have been.

I'm a lucky woman because I've known love more than once in my life. I loved one person for many years and I know that I will always care about him and love him. I can't just erase that from my mind and heart. He put me through a lot and I'm sure I wasn't always the easiest person to get along with, but I hope that somewhere deep inside we've both grown and learned from our experiences. I want nothing but the best for him in the future now matter how things work out for him and for myself. I'm glad to have known him and I'm glad to still be his friend. In the end, we never know how life might play out. What's meant to be will always find a way I suppose and you just have to wait and see how things play out in the future.

My other love is my husband. I do love him dearly. We've been through a lot in our 3 year relationship. More than most newlyweds can even imagine. Infertility, Minot, miscarriage, military... the list of complications goes on and on. We have our ups and downs... Right now we're going through a rough patch and I can only hope that things will eventually get better and not worse. We have both agreed to work more on "us" when I get back up the North Dakota. I guess we will see what happens. Losing the baby was our big downfall. Honestly I would rate our relationship at an 8 or 9 before the baby... now we're at maybe a 5 (sometimes lower). Like I've said before, you just have to keep moving forward and what is meant to happen will happen.

And I miss you everyday...

So this last Thursday I went in and got a tattoo in rememberance of my Grandma V (2000), Grandpa V (2004), my sister, Kim (2007), and my angel baby (2011). Above the angel are 4 stars to represent each of my angels in the color of their birthstone. (2 pink/rose for Grandpa and Kim who were born in October, emerald green for my Grandma who was born in May, and Aquamarine-ish for my angel baby Hope who was born in March.) I got it done at Next Generation Tattoo by Bryan. :)

Thinking about my tattoo makes me miss them all the more. I know they'll always be with me and be in my heart, but I wish I could hug them and see them. I wish we could take little trips to heaven.

I miss my angel baby so much. I would be just over 23 weeks pregnant if I could have held onto her for just a little bit longer.

Last night Thayer and I got into a fight (yeah, we've been doing that a lot as of late). I'm still down here on vacation so it wasn't as bad a most. I told him it was going to be hard going back to work and working with two women in my room that are both pregnant, and later when we were fighting he used this as ammo against me. He said (or typed because we were chatting online) that I bitch all the time and that I even bitch about pregnant people at work and I should just get used to it because there are preggie people everywhere. Then I proceeded to yell at him (type in all caps) that "YOUR BABY DIDN'T DIE." I really said that before I thought because what he said hurt me so much. He then opened up to me a little. He had told most of his shop that I was pregnant right after we found out because he was so happy (I didn't know this because he never acted that happy about it at home). So some of the guys come up and ask him when I'm due. He said that it "takes everything in him to not break down when I have to tell them you miscarried." He doesn't open up about his emotions easy. That's just how he was raised. His family is.... odd to say the least.

I just wish things between him and me could change but they only seem to be getting worse and worse. I'm not sure what I'm going to do at this point. I want things to change, but I don't see that I'm doing anything wrong. I don't think it is wrong of me to ask for help around the house when half the time he works less hours in a week than I do and I go to school on top of working. I think he should pitch in but he never does. I think he should respect me more than he does. There are a more than a couple of things that need to start changing if our marriage has any hopes of surviving. Things weren't too bad until after the miscarriage, but after I lost the baby I just didn't care to watch what I said to him. Especially after I was screaming and crying and all he could say is "What's wrong with you?" and "Are you okay?"  *sigh* Ok... vent about the husband is over.

Confuzzled

Lately there have been some things going on in my life that have really confuzzled me. I'm not sure what to do... I'm not sure what my heart or head are telling me because they're just as confused as the rest of me. I don't know what I want, I don't know what or who I need. All I know is how I feel, and that is the hard part. I know this is going to be a very vague post because what's going on I don't really want or need anyone knowing about.

I miss certain people being in my life. I miss them more than I should miss them. I can't help but think about how things might be different. I can't stop thinking about what ifs and the like. I know the past can't be changed but what about the here and now and the future? How can I change things? How can I make them better? I don't know if right now I can. Maybe I just have to endure for now and see how things work out. I don't want to make more mistakes. I'm not sure what road to take, but at some point I'm going to have to decide, and that scares me. Where is life going to take me in the next few months and years? I don't know... but I guess in the end everything will work out how it is supposed to.

Defeat.

Today, tonight,... whichever... I feel totally and utterly defeated. I feel broken. I feel depressed. I feel worthless. I feel... horrible. I'm not trying to be a drama queen.... I'm just giving you the facts straight.

I'm so tired of hoping and trying... wishing on every star that one day my dream might come true. It all seems so futile, so hopeless, so... I don't know.

I know some people think that I've had the world handed to me on a silver platter... that "gee what does Mary know of suffering?" Think that if you will, it's not the truth.

I just need one sign... one little something, ANYTHING to keep me going. To make all this pain worth it because right now I'm not sure it is. I want to give up, throw in the towel, wash my dreams down the drain. I want to forget and walk away.

Hope by Emily Dickinson

Hope is the thing with feathers
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune--without the words,
And never stops at all,

And sweetest in the gale is heard;
And sore must be the storm
That could abash the little bird
That kept so many warm.

I've heard it in the chillest land,
And on the strangest sea;
Yet, never, in extremity,
It asked a crumb of me.

VACATION!

Here is my list of things I HAVE to do while back home on vacation:

- See family
- See friends
- Eat GOOD chinese food... chinese food up here is whack
- Eat GOOD mexican food... Mexican food up here is whack too.
- Eat Andy's Frozen Custard, Qdoba, Jimmy John's, Alejandros, Sonic!!
- "Visit" Grandma and Grandpa down at the lake and put flowers on their grave.
- "Visit" my sister and give her flowers too.
- Get my tattoo!!!
- Relax!
- Rest!
- Kiss all my worries goodbye for 2 weeks.
- Take lots of pictures.
- Have lots of fun.
- Miss my doggies (and husband I guess lol) a lot!
- Hug my mom a million and a half times.
- Get all my smaller clothes for after my surgery
- Spend a day with just my dad and me.
- Have a girls night with my mom!
- Sit in the balcony at the Warren.
- Go to a "real" zoo.
- Shop at a REAL mall.


I will probably add to this!

Cha Cha Cha Changes...

So I think I've changed my mind about my surgery. I still want to have weight loss surgery because it will greatly help in my ability to become pregnant and maintain the pregnancy. The heavier you are the more likely you are to have severe complications, miscarriage, and this is on top of my ability to even get pregnant. I now believe, after having my psych eval yesterday, that I would like to have a regular bypass surgery instead of just the Lapband. It would be the difference between losing 50lbs and not losing that weight. The more weight I lose, the better, in my mind. Thayer's okay with it. He was just worried about how I would feed the baby after the surgery because he knows I would be able to eat very very little. There is lots of research about women who have had it and then become pregnant. There are special precautions that have to be made, yes, but it's not horrible. So... I think I've made my decision and I will be the skinniest I've been since elementary school. That makes me hella excited. Hopefully one year after surgery I should be down to only 140lbs! After surgery, it is recommended that I wait at least 18 months before TTC again... and that sucks :(  That sucks... A LOT... but I guess in the end it will be worth it to have healthy normal pregnancies and healthy normal babies.

For those of you that are interested, I haven't pee'd on anything yet. I'm waiting a few more days before I test just in case I ovulated late. Also, before surgery Thayer and I plan to do one more round of Clomid and see what happens.