Hope's Birthday

November 11th, 2011... 11/11/11... that was the day my life was supposed to change forever. That was the day Thayer and I's first baby was due. That was the day that we were supposed to become parents. That never happened. Instead God needed another little angel. Baby Hope was too beautiful for this earth and grew wings much too early. My life was forever changed. From the moment I saw that positive pregnancy test I was a mother. It took me 2 years to see those 2 pink lines. I thought for sure in 9 months we would hold our miracle. God had a different plan. I never knew how much I could love until I knew there was a baby growing inside of me. I had a whole new perspective. I will never forget our first child. I know she is up in heaven looking down on her little brothers. One day, when the time is right, the boys will know about their older sister. When the time is right they will know about all the fertility issues and how much we wanted and loved them before they were ever born.

 

It's been over 2 years since we lost Baby Hope, but on days like today I still listen to songs that remind me of that time and I still shed a few tears. Yes, as time passes it gets easier. I do know that it took me a long time, majority of my pregnancy with the twins, to bond with them. I struggled with getting close to them and feeling attached because I thought for sure, at any moment they would be taken away from me as well. Even after they were born and in the NICU, I struggled with bonding with them. I was just so scared to let myself feel all that love again, only to lose possibly lose them.

In All Seriousness...

 

Is it sad that I know exactly how Dumbo's mother feels. Each month hoping, praying, wishing that it would finally be my turn. Watching everyone else have children, even people who don't deserve them or want them. It's so watch everyone else get your dream and feel like it will never, ever happen for you. It is so hard to have hope month after month. People say to just relax, not to worry. I'm not sure how that would even be possible. How can you not think about your dream of becoming a parent, especially when you HAVE to work to try and become a parent? Mrs. Jumbo is a strong elephant. Even as her heart breaks she continues to hope. Even when she is the odd woman out and every other elephant has a child to love and hold, still she hopes. I guess that is one thing going for me. I know that I'm an incredibly strong woman who keeps trying no matter how much my heart breaks. Month after month, cycle after cycle, still I try to keep my head up. I try my hardest to have hope. It's never easy to keep going, to try and put each failure behind me, but I do my best.

 

 

 

There are so many times I put on a happy face and pretend that everything is okay. I have become pretty accustomed to putting on a show and not letting people know if and when things are bothering me. Sometimes all I really need is someone to tell me it wille be alright and give me a hug.

 

 

 

Every month, when a new cycle comes, women go through grief. Even if they know there is little hope, they cling to that. This doesn't mean I'm weak. This doesn't mean I'm a bad person. All it means is that I love my unborn, unconceived child more than most people could even dream of.

 

This is something I seem to struggle with every month. I'm never quite sure after another failed cycle how much more I can take. Usually on CD1 I feel like throwing in the towel and saying "I give up!" I have a good cry and pull myself together over the next couple of days. I put on a happy face again, go get my refill of Clomid and prepare to begin again.

 

For When I'm Feeling Discouraged...

Tonight beings another month of pill popping to try and get pregnant. Maybe this will be the month. I found a few images of inspiration for when I start to get discouraged or defeated.

 

 

 

When Hope Dwindles

Every month (and by month I mean cycle) I begin with a feeling of hope. Some months my "hope" is greater than other months, but it is always there. Then the days of the month slowly progress. We do our baby dancing at the prescribed times. I ovulate on schedule. My temp confirms ovulation along with the OPKs. These things add to my hope. I'm excited about the notion of this possibly FINALLY being my month. The days keep passing and as the days past ovulation add up my amount of hope slowly decreases. I start preparing myself for disappointment. I start reminding myself that the "symptoms" I'm feeling are just from my progesterone spike. I try to get through the day without thinking about it. Today I am 8dpo. At least this month is going better. I haven't started spotting yet like I did last month at 8dpo. I'm almost scared to be hopeful. Anymore it seems hope if futile. I'm just counting down the days until another cycle begins. I wish I could put on a happy face all the time and that everything could be okay... but it's not. I'm done lying or pretending. Last night Thayer and I went to dinner (had a buy one get one free coupon for Ruby Tuesday's) and I said fuck it and had a drink. I used to never drink during the 2ww. At this point I don't think it's going to change anything. In my eyes there is little hope that I'm pregnant so why should I bother doing without when it is something I really want. I had a bad day and I wanted at martini. Giving certain things up in the past didn't help get me pregnant so why would it make a difference now?

Defeat.

Today, tonight,... whichever... I feel totally and utterly defeated. I feel broken. I feel depressed. I feel worthless. I feel... horrible. I'm not trying to be a drama queen.... I'm just giving you the facts straight.

I'm so tired of hoping and trying... wishing on every star that one day my dream might come true. It all seems so futile, so hopeless, so... I don't know.

I know some people think that I've had the world handed to me on a silver platter... that "gee what does Mary know of suffering?" Think that if you will, it's not the truth.

I just need one sign... one little something, ANYTHING to keep me going. To make all this pain worth it because right now I'm not sure it is. I want to give up, throw in the towel, wash my dreams down the drain. I want to forget and walk away.

Hope by Emily Dickinson

Hope is the thing with feathers
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune--without the words,
And never stops at all,

And sweetest in the gale is heard;
And sore must be the storm
That could abash the little bird
That kept so many warm.

I've heard it in the chillest land,
And on the strangest sea;
Yet, never, in extremity,
It asked a crumb of me.

Catch A Falling Star and Put It In Your Pocket!

So Thayer and I had a date night tonight and guess what?!? On the way back to base just past Ruthville I looked up out the front glass of the car and saw a shooting star. It has literally been YEARS since I've seen one. I wished on it and wished on it HARD! Could a shooting star on the first day of the new year be a good sign? One can only hope!