People Frustrate Me..

So back in April I started "Sock It To Infertility." I had people (many wonderful people) donate socks to me to mail out to ladies with fertility issues. Lately I have become very frustrated with it. I have gotten a few almost nasty email from people who asked me for socks and haven't gotten them yet. I mean really? You're getting free socks that are supposed to be inspirational to you. I'm doing this at my own expense. It costs me $1.50-$2.00 to mail out each pair and that comes out of MY pocket. Plus... the base post office is ONLY open when I'm at work so I can only really mail them out on Saturday. Hmmm lets think about it. We had a HUGE natural disaster which made getting to the post office almost impossible. I wasn't going to fight the huge crowd of 10,000 homeless evacuees trying to get their mail, and I wasn't going to fight the traffic for 2 or more hours. Then when things started to get a little better here I went on vacation for 2 weeks. Now I'm dealing with having surgery and being out of commission for 3-4 weeks. People can just get mad I guess. Whatever. I'm over it.

Temp Still Up... we'll take that as a good sign!

So... We're in the middle of the waiting game once again. Did the Clomid make me have a good egg? Did Thayer's little Airmen (bwahaha he would kill me if he knew I wrote that... but I can't call them soldiers) make there way to my awaiting egg? We find out next Friday or Saturday when AF is due to show up. I've been taking my BBT and it has stayed elevated so I will take that as a good sign. My "normal" temp is 97.9 and I've been running 98.5 since ovulation. I know it is supposed to stay elevated until 10+ days after ovulation but usually mine is starting to drop by now. Today is 9 days past ovulation. Either way... I know over the next few months I'm in for one hell of a ride. If we don't get a BFP, my surgery date is still set for Sept. 7th. (PS you can send me flowers :) I will be in there until the 11th baring no complications. I'm starting to get a little scared/anxious/nervous about it now. It's really scary being up here and having this done with just Thayer. As much as I love him... he's not my mommy. I know he'll try his best... but y'all know how men are sometimes. Anywho... cheers to high temps!

RIP 4 years....

Kimberly Rose Mallatt

October 21, 1975 - August 25, 2007

I can't believe it has already been four years since my sister was killed.

Four years ago today a horrible man took it upon himself to end my sister's life.

Most of my life my sister's and I didn't have a good relationship. Maybe it was age. Maybe it was that we had different mothers (and they didn't like mine). Who knows? Things were finally starting to get better with my sister Kim. While she was on the wagon, things were improving so dramatically. Then poof... someone snuffed her life out. The man that killed my sister is still at large. The Wichita PD did a horrible... BEYOND horrible job handling her case. It's difficult to comprehend that this murder is still at large. He's still out walking around enjoying his life, doing whatever he wants while an entire family greives for the loss of a sister, daughter, and now, aunt. It's sad that Kimani will never know his aunt Kimmie. It's sad that my children will never know her either. It's sad that she never got to have children of her own or live out the rest of her life.

Really and truly... Time does not heal all wounds; it just teaches us to deal with the pain.




Kim when she was little.




L to R: Heather, me, and Kim one year for Halloween



Adoption...

I don't know how many times some ignorant or possibly simply insensitive person has said to me, "Well, why don't you just adopt?"  Like I should just give up on myself and my husband. So... how about I lay it all out on the page here the reasons we are not even considering adoption at this point.

Right now, adoption is not for us. Plain and simple. I'm only 26 and my husband is only 25. Why would we choose adoption when we have many good childbearing years ahead of us to try? Is it so wrong of us to want to have a child of our very own? A child with his eyes and my nose? When did that become a capital offense?

Why would we all of a sudden jump to adoption when we've only tried ONE yes... ONE fertility treatment? We have only ever been put on Clomid and guess what ladies and gentlemen! We got pregnant on it! Why would we choose adoption when we know that it is entirely possible for me to get pregnant? Even if Clomid never works again there are a plethora of other medications and other treatments available to help those dealing with infertilty. Why wouldn't we try those? Why wouldn't we do everything in our power to have a child of our own? Most parents say they would do ANYTHING for their child(ren). Well... most infertiles would do anything for the THOUGHT of a child... for the THOUGHT of becoming a mother and holding their baby, a product of love, in their arms.

Maybe the people who say these comments doesn't realize how EXPENSIVE adoption is. Maybe they don't realize all the hoops you have to jump through and how much more those are complicated by being a military family. Domestic adoption can cost upwards of $30,000. So... maybe these people that say "Just adopt" should shell out the cash and give a needy child a home as well. Adoption after being foster parent to a child is cheaper... but many states will not allow a military family to be foster parents. I'm not even sure I could emotionally handle being a foster parent. (More info on adoption costs.)

Another reason is we're not sure adoption would ever be a choice for us. We are considering surrogacy before we ever think of adopting a child. This is our choice. Again... is it so wrong for us to want a child that is our own flesh and blood? Yes, I know there are thousands upon thousands of needy children out there in the United States and the world. But why shouldn't we have the right to have and raise our family the way we CHOOSE just as fertile couples do?

Adoption is a last choice for us... and that's just it! It's our choice! I know right now you're thinking "Holy cow Mary... who ever heard of the freedom of CHOICE in the United States?"  Sorry... being facetious.

As long as we have the money to pay for treatments we will try to have our own child. It is our right to decide how to have and raise our family, just as it is the right of any fertile couple. We aren't ready to lay down and be defeated. We aren't ready to throw in the towel on Thayer cooing over my growing belly as I am pregnant. We aren't ready to back down, and we won't back down from infertility without a damn good fight. Thayer and I want to have a child of our very own that is our flesh and blood. There is nothing wrong with that.

By the way, I'm not trying to offend anyone that has adopted or is adopted. After we have a child or two of our own we would like to adopt a child, possibly one with special needs. We simply want to experience pregnancy, child birth, and all the ups and downs of having a child of our own.


Also... to quote the Infertility Etiquette handbook -- "Don't Push Adoption (Yet) - Adoption is a wonderful way for infertile people to become parents. However, the couple needs to work through many issues before they will be ready to make an adoption decision. Before they can make the decision to love a "stranger's baby," they must first grieve the loss of that baby with Daddy's eyes and Mommy's nose. You do, indeed, need to grieve this loss before you are ready to start the adoption process. The adoption process is very long and expensive, and it is not an easy road. So, the couple needs to be very sure that they can let go of the hope of a biological child and that they can love an adopted baby. This takes time, and some couples are never able to reach this point.

13000 views!

So my blog has topped 13000 views. That's a whole lot of people reading what I have to say. Maybe I've educated some people about infertility and life as an USAF wife. Maybe some people know a little more than they did before about the emotional struggle that accompanies infertility and pregnancy loss. I started my blog as a place to share my thoughts, vent, and just generally get my feels out. I've always been better at writing things out to express myself than having an actual conversation. I think my blog has turned into more than just a "journal" for me. I hope people find strength in my words. I hope other infertile women (and men) see that they aren't alone in their stuggles, emotions, etc. That is my hope. I want to reach out to others and share with them my ups and downs. I'm not scared to post anything. I don't fear stepping on people's toes.

Infertility is a crazy rollar coaster. Each month the cycle of depression starts again. Every month the pain is renewed. It's not something you can escape. It's not even really something you can learn to live with. It's something that takes work... every day of every month. It breaks up marriages or it can bring couples closer. People's words can hurt even if they aren't really meaning it. Everyone should go read Infertility Etiquette.

I Raped My Husband... bwahahaha

So today is cycle day 17. I ovulated today. Got an almost positive on the OPK, but I felt it in my side that I did ovulate. That's the one nice thing about feeling like I got stabbed with an ice pick. I know exactly when I ovulate or if I ovulate each month. But really... it does hurt.  lol Thayer claims (jokingly) that I raped him and emotionally scarred him because I (semi) made him have sex today. I mean, unless I was on top it isn't rape right? Not like I had to tie him to the bed! Sorry if all this is TMI... oh well... a lot of my blogs are.

So, now the waiting begins. We will know in approximately 14 days if I am pregnant this cycle. If I am not, then I go through with gastric bypass on Sept. 7th. I'm starting to get a little more freaked out about it. I had to write a living will. That was kinda scary.

Thayer's not sure he wants me to get pregnant, which kind of hurt my feelings... a lot. He said he wished we weren't even trying (though a month ago he was completely on board). He is scared that if I get pregnant again that we will lose another baby. Don't get me wrong, I'm unbelieveably scared about that scenario as well. He says he doesn't want to put our relationship through that stress if we don't have to. He knows the odds are definitely more in our favor of having a successful pregnancy after surgery. I just wish he could understand my feelings of wanting to give it one last try before having to give up trying for 18 months. I wish he could understand how hard it is and heartbreaking it is every time someone else announces that they are pregnant. We should be parents already, but here we are. I'm taking medicines that make me sick and potentially having a life altering surgery just in HOPES of becoming parents. I mean, what if the surgery doesn't help. What if my PCOS is just as bad? That could happen. There are no guarantees. I just wish I could get something right for once. I just want to do what is best for myself, my husband, my future children... etc. I just don't know what that is at this point. I was probably being selfish trying this one last month to get pregnant. Okay... fine... I was selfish... but after over 2 years of trying I think I deserve to do one thing that I want.

Okay... onto other things in the world of Mary. I have a job interview Monday afternoon that I'm super excited about. I really really hope that I get it because I'm so sick of working at the Child Development Center here on the AF base. This new job will allow me to work with kids with special needs. That's something I'm passionate about. I'm also officially 3 classes away from completing my Master's in Special Education. If I get this new job I will probably postpone finishing school and graduation until December 2012... but if I don't get the job I will quit at the CDC (if possible) in January so I can complete my internship (aka student teaching). If I do this, then I will graduate in May 2012. Lots of possibilities on the horizon for me. I'm almost through all of the hoops to get both my Missouri state and North Dakota state teaching certificate.

Roux En Y

So tomorrow I drive to Bismarck to have my last pre-op appointment. They will be doing bloodwork and I will have an EKG ran. I will meet with a nutritionalist and the surgeon's PA. After that... the countdown will be on until I have surgery. I'm still not sure how I feel about things. I'm not really excited or nervous... I'm kind of apathetic. I'm not sure if that's the right attitude to have. I am excited about losing weight and getting to buy new clothes. I'm not excited to have to wait a year and a half to even try to get pregnant again. I guess everything has give and take. I will learn how to deal.

The other day I bought an elliptical for the house so I won't have to go to the gym on base. I feel really uncomfortable at the base gym so I knew if I left exercising up to going to the base gym this winter there was no way I would go. I got a $450 elliptical for $100 on our base yardsale site. I'm pretty proud of myself for that purchase!

It is almost 100% that Thayer will be getting convelescent leave for when I have surgery. I finally found him a hotel room for the 7th and 8th. No luck for 9th. Thayer said he could drive back and forth or just sleep in the car. I will talk to them tomorrow about the difficulty we've been having finding a room for him to stay in. Maybe they would like him have a cot in the room or something.

I've had a lot of questions lately about how my surgery will effect my future pregnancies. It was once thought that pregnancy was a bad idea after having weightloss surgery, but new research has shown differently. It is now proven that it is SAFER for a women to get pregnant post surgery than to be overweight and pregnant. This is because of all the complications that come with being overweight and pregnant (pre-eclampsia, gestational diabetes, etc.). Basically to have a healthy pregnancy I will be have to monitored more closely by my OB to ensure that the baby and I are meeting our nutritional needs. This means more bloodwork and ultrasounds. I will have to take extra vitamins and drink additional protein supplements to make sure the baby is getting enough "food." Really... that doesn't sound like too big of a deal in the grand scheme of things. Anywho, more info can be found at Pregnancy After Bariatric Surgery.

I also thought I would share with you an image of what my insides will look like post surgery.... kinda cool and gross all at once. My stomach that will be "detached" will just stay floating around in there. It is also possible that if I have too many complications, they can reattach my stomach together and make everything whole again.

Time Doesn't Heal All Wounds

"Time doesn't heal all wounds, it just teaches us to deal with the pain."

That's a pretty profound statement... and it is completely true. Time hasn't healed the pain of my infertility... it is renewed every month. Time hasn't healed the pain of my miscarriage. Sure, it's not as fresh. It's not as difficult to bear. My wounds are not healed. I don't think they ever will be, and even if they do heal in time the scars will always be mine.

It's now after midnight... but yesterday I would have been 27 weeks. It is so difficult to watch people at work and their growing bellies. I almost want to cry every time I see them. Especially the one that isn't taking care of herself or the baby the way she should be. It makes me so upset. Why my baby and not hers? I made the mistake of asking one the parents of the kids I take care of when she was due because she has really "popped." Yeah... not a good idea. She is due exactly one week before I would have been.

People keep telling me I need to quit dwelling on my miscarriage... that I need to let it go and forget about the week marks and how my baby would be developing. Maybe I should... but I can't. Not yet. I'm not sure when I'll be ready to let my baby go, but that time is not right now.

My life will be changing so much in the next month. Either to Clomid works AND Thayer's little swimmers find the spot.. or I have surgery and we can't even try get pregnant for 12-18 months.

I can't help but think about what might have beens. What if I would have started getting things ready for surgery back in November of last year when the RE told me I should think about it? What if I had just gone through with it then? We would be able to start trying in a few more months... instead I'm just starting this journey. I can't seem to do anything right. I can't even manage to get pregnant. Isn't that what I was put on the earth for? "Be fruitful and multiply." Yeah... that's obviously not happening.

*sigh* I hate feeling like a failure. I mean, I've done everything right. I went to college, then got married. We waited a little while... got financially secure.. then started trying to start a family. I DID EVERYTHING RIGHT! I was responsible. I was careful. I was SMART... and what did that get me? Sitting every week watching "16 and Pregnant" while crying because those dumb little children can get pregnant and have a child and I can't.

Caution: Big Changes Ahead

So, today ended with a migraine. Another dose of Clomid goes down the hatch tonight. I only have 2 more doses left (Thank goodness). I'm sick of feeling sick. Work was kind of rough today. I was in an infant room all day. We had 3 babies that were 6 weeks old... yep, doesn't that sound like fun.

Last night I was thinking about how life will be so different a month from now. Either way, no matter what happens, my life is headed for big changes. I will either get pregnant (and hopefully stay pregnant) or I will go through with my surgery and will be a completely different person physically. I won't look the same. I will feel completely different. Hopefully it will have a great outcome either way.

So... here's to big changes!

Nausea, Hot Flashes, Fatigue... OH MY!

Well I'm just getting ready to take another 100mg of Clomid (yay... not). I feel so sick already. Work is going to be brutal tomorrow. Yesterday I was a raging bitch. I will even admit it. I was horrible, and Thayer put up with me. He HATES when I'm on Clomid because I go from happy and laughing one minute to ripping his face apart the next. Everything is heightened. Today I wasn't a raging bitch... I was just whiny and emotional. I cried a couple of times. Once was because I wanted to cuddle and Thayer didn't. Another was over something stupid.

I did do something funny though. I made Thayer take a vitamin. I figured if I have to pop all these pills to try and get pregnant he might as well have to take something as well to increase his sperm production and increase their motility. So... he's taking a multi-vitamin. Vitamins C, E, and B12 are all thought to help increase sperm count as are Selenium, Zinc, and carnitine.  His multi-vitamin has all of them in it! Yay for more sperm! Also, Thayer is now banned from taking long, hot baths until after I have ovulated. Just like hot tubs, long hot baths can kill swimmers because they get overheated. ...

Sorry if all this is TMI about my husband's junk... Remember I'm Crazy Clomid lady and I don't care what you think right now... bwahahaha!

Now if only the Clomid will help my body do it's job.

Better as a Memory

There are some people in this world that are better left as a memory. You move on, move away, drift apart, lose contact for whatever reason... and sometimes it is best left that way. I mean, everything happens for a reason right? There are those people that have come into my life, who changed it, who made it better (or worse) and are now in the past... why bring it up again? Why open old wounds or rekindle the past? Some times it is better to hold memories dear that you made with someone... good, bad, or bittersweet memories. At times, it is better to keep those memories untainted than to risk corrupting them with a new image of the old person. Everyone changes. Some people change for the better, some for the worse, but inherently everyone changes. Sometimes the people we once knew are almost unrecognizable. Some people are best left in yesterday and as memories. I think people have to earn their spot in today and in new memories... Sometimes it is just better to let go and say goodbye. Sometimes goodbye is the only way you can tell someone you love them. Sometimes you just have to let go.  **And now I'm rambling**

I've learned you can't change the past, you can only make tomorrow better based on your knowledge. I've spent too long looking in the rearview mirror instead of looking at what's right in front of me. So now... I'm going to roll the windows down, let the wind blow my hair, crank up the radio and cruise (forward) down the highway of life.


Cause goodbyes are like a roulette wheel
You never know where they're gonna land
First you're spinning, then you're standing still
Left holding a losing hand
But one day you're gonna find someone
And right away you'll know it's true
That all of your seeking's done
It was just a part of the passing through
Right there in that moment you'll finally understand
That I was better as a memory than as your man
Better as a memory than as your man

From "Better as a Memory" by Kenny Chesney.

Adventures in Clomid

So about 2 hours ago I took the first pill of my final cycle of Clomid. So... here goes another month. We shall see if it works and makes me ovulate. Clomid working is defined by whether it makes me ovulate or not... NOT if I get pregnant or not. Logically speaking, even with the Clomid the swimmers still have to find the egg and there is only what... a 25% chance of that happening each cycle. lol... mini-rant there I guess. Clomid "working" shouldn't be defined by whether you actually conceived because it doesn't make the sperm find the egg, it only ensures that you produce an egg.

*yawn* I took like a 2 hour nap this evening. It was a long work week. I've applied to a few other jobs. I just keep crossing my fingers and hoping that I get something. I'm not sure how much longer I can handle working at the CDC. I keep hoping that they lift the hiring freeze for the school district so I can substitute teach or get a job as a paraeducator. Guess only time will tell with that. Public school is starting late here because of the flood. Guess it is just a waiting game now.

School will be starting for me again soon. It sucks that I'm not able to take the two classes I need downtown at, but what can you do? Hopefully I will be able to get them done next spring along with my "scholarly project." The scholarly project for my Master's in basically taking the place of writing a thesis. I guess we shall see how that goes as well. In some ways I would almost rather just write a thesis paper because I'm a beast when it comes to writing papers... but I think I would get more out of doing the project.


Interesting Fact: I'm supposed to ovulate this month on the first day I ever say my now husband face to face. August 17th I flew to ND and met my husband face to face for the first time in 2008... then we got hitched October 16th of the same year. Almost 3 years of marriage so far!