Long time no write..

Truth be told, writing this blog right now is the LAST thing I should be doing. I still have to finish up next weeks lesson plan. I need to write out my sub plans for Tuesday because I'll be gone that day... There's just a million and one things I should be doing instead, but I thought I would take a couple of minutes to update y'all on the dynamic duo because they are napping.

They are almost 8 months old (6 months adjusted). Can you believe that?!? OMG!! It seems like just yesterday I was trying to get Ronin to move out of my ribs and I was waddling like a penguin!

Both of them are healthy and growing, which is the most important thing. We went to the cardiologist last week to have a recheck for Ronin. He still has one hole in his heart, but one of them has healed. He goes back in a year for a recheck. The doctor still thinks it is likely that the hole will heal on it's own, but if it doesn't then it won't hold Ronin back at all. The Cardio told us that he has sent kids to college on full athletic scholarships with holes in their heart bigger than Ronin's.

At the Cardiologist Ronin weighed 13lbs 9oz. I know that Orion is topping 16lbs now. They both go back to their pediatrician on Tuesday for a weight check. They are both FINALLY on the normal growth chart. Ronin is on it for height and head circumference (not weight) and Orion is on it for everything. Both boys are very tall for their adjusted age. Here soon we will have to transition them to their convertible car seats. Both have started on solid food. They are doing really good. So far Orion is a more picky eater than Ronin. Their personalities are so vastly different!

Being a special education teacher and a mom is exhausting. I go 100 miles an hour all the time. I'm constantly in motion. I could really use a girls' night out... even if it's just going over to someone's house and us having girl talk over some cheese and wine. The kids could even be around... I just want some adult interaction.

It doesn't look like we will be moving into our house until April 1st. Boo. I'm ready for my own space and I'm sure my mom and dad are ready to have us out of their hair. I'm ready to have my stuff back and sleep in my own bed. I'm ready for the boys to have their cribs and get back to "normal."

I've decided NOT to teach summer school. Yes, the money would be nice, but after last summer and the chaos it was, I think I just want a darn break. By golly... I've EARNED IT!!!

Hodge Podge

This blog is going to be a hodge podge of a little bit of everything that has happened recently.

This last weekend I went home by myself for a weekend with the girls and a break from the husband. It was great! On Thursday I drove up and that evening I just hung out with my parents and nephew. Then on Friday I got up and went into town to shop with my mom. I bought some movies and we went to lunch at a Greek restaurant. The food was really tasty. Friday night was when a lot of the fun happened. I cut loose and forgot about everything in life. We went to see a male "revue" show put on by former Chippendale dancers called "Fifty Shades of Men"... think Magic Mike live. It was lot of fun! Then we went out dancing at a couple of clubs. By the end of the night I was barely walking straight, I was so drunk. At the club I had a couple of drinks bought for me and danced with a random guy. It helped my confidence a little. It's nice to know someone other than my husband finds me at least a little bit attractive. After drinking we went out to IHOP and more mayhem ensued. :) I was a night I won't forget for a LOOOONG time! Then Saturday I went out to dinner with a friend I've known since I was 3. Later, she and I went over to another friend from middle/high school's house to just hang out and talk about life and things. It was nice to just sit around and enjoy each other's company.

As most people in the states know, Sunday was Veteran's Day (though most people "celebrated" on Monday with a day off). I'm proud to say I'm the granddaughter, daughter, niece, and wife of a veteran. My dad's father served in the Pacific during WWII. My great-uncle died in the Korean War and I inherited his Purple Heart. My dad and husband both served in the US Air Force. I'm proud of them for serving their country. I learned first hand being a military wife that freedom really doesn't come free. There is a lot of sacrifice involved... so if you haven't, be sure to thank a veteran. They're the reason we're all here safe and sound living our lives each day.

Baby Hope's Birthday
11/11/12 wasn't just Veteran's Day... it also would have been Baby Hope's first birthday if she would have arrived on her due date. It seems so long ago, but sometimes the pain is still so fresh. I still miss her. I still love her. I wish she was here every single day! Life would be so much different. So here's to Baby Hope... with love, kisses, and hugs.

Yesterday and today I had my first dose of substitute teaching. It was for a 7th grade English class. I have no decided I don't think I could ever teach a regular classroom of middle school kids. I've worked in middle school special education before and that wasn't THAT bad. Some of the classes were amazing. They sat quietly and did their work, were respectful and kind... and then there were a few other that made me want to pull my hair out. They were just so talkative. Other than that, though, they weren't really that bad. I do have a few notes to myself, however, after this experience. 1. Wear heels... the kids will still be taller than me but the will be less taller than me. 2. Take my piercings out. For some reason they were all very fascinated by these. 3. Do not wear a push-up bra. -- Today there was a really awkward moment when one of the boys informed his group and half the classroom that I had big boobs. Yeah.... A-W-K-W-A-R-D!!!

Bitch Showed Up...

Not much more to say than that. Another cycle down the drain. Another month of hoping that was worthless. Another month of prayers unanswered. I swear if one more person tells me "in God's time" I will shove a Bible so far up their ass their mouth will spew pages like a copy machine.

I had an interview today. That looks promising. She sounds like she really wants me in the position but has to go through the whole process of interviewing all the candidates. The director said that if I were to take a position I would be pretty much in line for the next teaching job that opened up as well because they like to hire from the inside. I really hope I get it. Not sure when I'll find out.

I should know by the beginning of next week whether I passed my Praxis exam so I can have my Special Education certification added onto my license. I'm pretty sure I passed.

Tokens of Fertility

A couple of years ago a woman I met while my husband was stationed in Minot learned about our troubles in trying to have a child. She had experienced infertility herself with her last child (she had just had her 4th). Secondary infertility was really hard for her to deal with, especially when the other 3 were so easy to conceive. After hearing about our troubles, this fellow military wife gave me a gift. She gave me a fertility goddess necklace that someone else had passed down to her. She felt it gave her good luck in getting pregnant as she was finally able to conceive within a couple cycles of wearing it after an extended time before. I was so thankful for her gesture I cried and she cried and we hugged and cried. This all happened right before we were getting ready to begin our first medicated cycle at the beginning of 2011. I wore the necklace, things went well and I conceived on our second cycle of Clomid (while wearing the necklace).

Prior to our first medicated cycle I also purchased a fertility bracelet for myself. It is made of different stones that are thought to increase fertility as well as having a charm for the same purpose. At the end of the blog I will explain all of it with the pictures if you're interested in reading all of it.

Now, that I've explained all of this. The other day I was looking through my jewelry box and came across my bracelet and necklace. I immediately put the bracelet on, but held off on the necklace for some reason. Last night, I started feeling "superstitious" for whatever reason and decided that I had to wear the necklace as well. I will not take it off until I have my dream. Thayer helped me put it on last night and I hope that once again it will bring is good luck.

Just like the women before me, once I have gotten pregnant and carried my baby to term I will find another woman to pass off my fertility goddess necklace. I already have a few people in mind if I happen to get my dream before they do.

On a separate but related note, I'm worried about the future. I keep thinking and planning ahead and this is just causing me a great deal of worry. Let me explain. I will graduate in December with my Master's in Special Education. This spring I will begin looking for and hopefully get a fulltime teaching position as a Special Ed teacher. This being said. If I get pregnant in the next 2 cycles I will have the baby during next summer and will be okay to start school immediately in the fall as a teacher. If I do not, however, I will be due in the fall which isn't good when trying to land a teaching job. I mean really, what school wants to hire a teacher that couldn't work the first month of school or would have to take maternity leave at the beginning of the first semester? This really throws things off. So, do I keep trying for my dream to become a mother or do I put things on hold after 2 more cycles to set up for a teaching job? I could really use some advice!

Tonight is also my last night of taking Clomid. The side effects haven't been nearly as bad as before. I've had a few hot flashes and some headaches and a couple of bouts with nausea. All and all, much better than when I was on it before. Onward and upward with the baby dancing soon!


Now, more about the fertility necklace and bracelet for those interested...

Fertility Goddess Necklace - it is in the shape of a pregnant woman. The pearl represents the head and the turquoise is the pregnant, extended belly. With this particular one, most people wouldn't know it was a fertility necklace unless I told them, and I'm thankful for that.

Explanation of Stones:
Turquoise provides protection, grounding, strength, courage, love and luck.Turquoise is also a token of friendship. Perhaps it's strongest ability is for alleviating negativity. Many Indian tribes associate Turquoise with fertility.
Freshwater Pearls: Symbolize tears, provide love and fertility as well as the prevention of negative events.

Then I also have the bracelet. I think it's pretty and most people would just think of it as fashion jewelry. Again, it doesn't look like anything fertility related. Mine is made up of 3 different types of stones: Moonstone, Aventurine, and Clear Crystal Quartz. It also has a charm on it of a butterfly.

Explanation of Stones/Charm:
Moonstone has a reflective and calming energy by balancing emotions due to stress and anxiety. It is said to have the power to grant wishes. Moonstone is often used for fertility and infertility as it is said to regulate a woman’s menstrual cycle and boost female energy. Moonstone is a love stone, and is said to draw love to its wearer. It can help solve problems between lovers. If it is worn during sexual intercourse, it not only can make the woman very fertile, it is said to help impregnate her too. In addition Moonstone is used to promote grounding, protection, sleep, luck, selflessness, hope, clarity, and safe childbirth.

Aventurine is is used to encourage pregnancy and enhance fertility. It is considered a the stone of love, which can boost all feelings and emotions, and also promote optimism and self-confidence. It is also believed that this stone can help to win over the heart of the loved one. It is also used to promote friendships, happiness and increasing luck.

Clear Crystal Quartz is a stone of power. It has healing, protection and balancing properties. It is also used in maintaining your body’s immune system.

Butterfly charm is a symbol of the fertility of the earth and rebirth. It is believed that butterflies are actually spirits that bring the hope and promise of rebirth and new life.

Hurry Up and Wait

It seems like for so long my life has been completely revolved around the concept of "hurry up and wait."

Being a military wife... your life is ruled by your husband's military career. I've had to put my life on hold in order to be with Thayer. I graduated in 2009 with a teaching degree that I still have not been able to use at all, not even to substitute teach.

Just like in the song, everything is now so close I can taste it, but I can't touch it. I'm working in Special Education, which is what I'm getting my Master's in, but I'm still not a teacher. I still don't have a classroom of my very own. I have more responsibility than the other paras because of my educational background, which is great because I'm soaking up the additional experience. I just wish I could be a teacher. Even now that we're down here and moving to Missouri, I don't know if I'll be able to find a job as a teacher. Things will be easier when I have my Master's in Special Education because there is a much greater demand for SpEd teachers than there is for English teachers. Right now there doesn't look like there is a whole lot out there for English. It's pretty discouraging. I'm so ready to have a classroom of my own. I want to help children/young adults.

Infertility has certainly thrown a kink into how I thought my life would play out. June will mark 3 years of trying to get pregnant. That's a long damn time. People who started trying for their first AFTER we started trying for our first are now pregnant/having their second child. It's frustrating. I'm terribly impatient to become a parent. I'm ready. I've been ready. I try to keep my head up. I try to keep plugging away, but it gets difficult at times. Sure I've said things that have rubbed people wrong. Sure, to some I may seem bitter, especially to those that have never walked in my shoes. I know I did the right thing by having my surgery. I feel so much better. I'm up to doing an hour of cardio a day. A week after surgery I could barely make it 5 minutes on my elliptical. I've had an amazing transformation in hopes of having a healthy pregnancy and a healthy child.

Sometime I wonder how things would be different in my life... Sometimes I think about what might have or could have been. I know those are dangerous thoughts though. I can't go back and change the past and I just have to keep moving forward, one step at a time.

Finally Some Answers!

So Thayer got the call today. His medical board review is over.

Good news: He is not being medically discharged. We are on the Force Reduction list so we are getting out because of that. -- on that note: We will be getting a separation bonus, yay!

Good news: He can still join the Air Force Reserves because he is not being medically discharged, he has to talk to a few people about it. If he ever comes up for deployment he will have to get a waiver saying that is okay for him to go.

Good news: Thayer will, for sure, be able to start at Missouri State this summer. I will be able to start applying for teaching jobs! Hopefully I can find something, if not, then I guess it's subbing or a para job for me. I'm so ready to be a "real" teacher!

Good news and bad news: My days in Minot are numbered. There are a few certain friends I've made up here that I will miss terri-bad and I'm sure they know who they are. They have been what has made living here at least tolerable. I will not, however, miss 6 months of winter, -40 windchills, or 6 foot of snow.

We don't have a final out day other than we know we have to be off base by March 31st. So we shall see. Thayer has a lot of briefings, appointments, and paper work to go to and get done. Now that the med board is all done the ball can really start moving.

In other news -- I've been working out more. Tonight I improved my time on my mile by almost 2 minutes! I really pushed myself. Sometimes I have to watch it because I don't want to send myself in an asthma attack, but it is so much easier to monitor it now! I just know I need to keep on top of it and do a least a little bit every day no matter how I feel. A little is better than nothing at all!