Finally... A Turning Point

So... I think Thayer might actually FINALLY get it. Today was my last day on Clomid (WOOT). The mood swings weren't bad... but the nausea and vomiting were. Oh well... if it works things will be peachy. I think Thayer has finally realized how hard this infertility journey is for me. (About damn time!) This week he got to see me in horrible pain after my US... and then he got to see me super sick from the Clomid. Between the two of those, he can finally understand all that I'm going through to try and help us expand our family. He was sweet to me and took care of me when I was sick.

So now I guess the fun part begins... BABY DANCING!... lol

Please keep Thayer and I in your thoughts. We hope and pray that the Clomid works (i.e. that I ovulate normally) and that hopefully we will conceive a baby this month!

As If It Isn't Hard Enough....

As if going through fertility treatments isn't hard enough... I have to deal with a husband who only semi-understands what I'm going through. Maybe it is the Clomid talking... I really don't know. I'm pretty moody tonight... easily irritated... on edge... He just doesn't get it. He didn't have to work the day I had my Ultrasound done. I asked him to go with me and he refused. Granted, he had been very sick for most of the week, but I just wanted a little support from my husband. The ultrasound wasn't supposed to be anymore painful than getting a papsmear, but my body didn't cooperate and it hurt sooo flippin bad. I mean, I know he wouldn't have been there to hold my hand, but at least he could have comforted me when it was over. I just feel like I'm going through so much of this on my own. We just have such different ways of coping with things and I'm not sure he completely understands me yet. I know he wants kids, I know I want kids... and I'm failing at that. I'm the one failing, not him. I guess maybe that is the reason that it hits so much closer to home for me. I am the one having to go through all these procedures and take all these medicines while he gets to have sex. Doesn't really seem like a fair deal. Why do I have to be the one that is broken? I just wish he could understand things and see them from my perspective. I guess that is asking for a little to much though isn't it. Infertility can make a marriage stronger, and in some ways it has for us. It's just something that is difficult to go through especially where we have such different view points. He's almost like an outsider looking in whereas I have to live it each and every day.

"I'm doing this for the baby... I'm doing this for the baby."

Disclaimer: Some of the following blog may be TMI for you, so if you don't want to know, then don't read.

So yesterday I went in to the hospital to have my ultrasound done. As I suspected, it was what they call a pelvic ultrasound or transvaginal ultrasound. Basically I go in and I'm already in pain because it's "that" time brought on by the Provera. So I have this "wand" put places that are uncomfortable. Yeah... it wouldn't have been so bad... but my ovaries were in a "difficult position." It took the ultrasound tech forever and a half to get the pictures taken of what she needed. Basically it was so painful I was laying on the stretcher in the US room crying and asking why me why me what did I do wrong. All I could do was keep reminding myself why I was there, why I was going through all these difficult, painful procedures. I have a very high tolerance for pain... I mean I walked on a broken foot a couple of days after I broke it with only ibprophen. So if this was making me cry, you know it had to have been bad. I'm not looking forward to my next one on the 18th, but I am hoping it will be better because I won't be on my period. I'm so ready to be done with all of this... but I just can't give up. I can't. I have to wait for the doctor to call me with my results and tell me how many follicles I have in there for potential babies. I hope everything looked okay. I wish I could have known right then... I hate all this waiting that is involved in infertility treatment. It seems like my life is forever on hold. I just want a baby... is that so wrong? I hate going into the BX because of all the cribs sitting outside. It hurts to know I might never have one of those in my house.

I started my Clomid today, and so far so good. Nothing crazy is really going on, so I guess that's good.

How Many Eggs... One Egg... Two Egg...

So tomorrow I go in to have an ultrasound done. Today was CD1... for those who aren't on the up and up of infertility/fertility terms... that means Auntie came to visit me. I have an appointment for 9:15am tomorrow at the hospital to get it done. They hopefully will be able to tell me a little more about my eggs, how many potentials we are looking at. Then on CD3 I will start my Clomid. Fun times to be had, I'm sure. I go back in on the 18th and they will tell me how many "mature" eggs I have. Usually a person only releases one mature egg at a time... with the Clomid there is a good potential that I will produce more. After the Clomid is done, it is baby making time. Woo Woo!

And Life Goes On...

So the holidays are over (THANK GOODNESS)! Now it is time for back to work, back to school... back to life. (Oh yeah... and back to stress!) I'm just in the mood to talk about random shit.... so here goes.

Does it ever annoy you when you tell someone something and they don't believe you and have to go out of their way to TRY to prove you wrong? Oh... and then do you feel happy when you finally get to say, "naa na na na told you so?" Did you know that generally speaking biology works the same in nearly all people? Yeah big shocker there. I just get so frustrated with people that don't want to hear the truth as well... Either they don't want to hear it or refuse to believe it. Ok those are my rants for the night.

On another note... last night was my last dose of Provera so AF should be making an appearance soon... then it's on to ultrasounds, Clomid, Ultrasound, Sex, Ovulation, Sex, Sex, Sex, 2 Week Wait, Peeing on a Stick.... all of this will be followed shortly by another party with Aunt Flo or a party with my husband. *sigh* Isn't infertility grand? Just think of all the money I could have saved on birth control during my slutty college years.

Catch A Falling Star and Put It In Your Pocket!

So Thayer and I had a date night tonight and guess what?!? On the way back to base just past Ruthville I looked up out the front glass of the car and saw a shooting star. It has literally been YEARS since I've seen one. I wished on it and wished on it HARD! Could a shooting star on the first day of the new year be a good sign? One can only hope!

1-1-11

So today is/was the first day of the new year. Hello 2011. So... as with many years in the past I do a year-end review of the previous year. Thus a summary of my 2010 follows.

January - I began going to school at UND and working on my Master's Degree in Learning Disabilities. I also turned 25 years old. I went home for a visit that was cut very short. I quit working at The Workshop.

February - Not much significant happened. I think we went out for dinner on Valentine's Day or something of that nature. Oh... I almost forgot. I picked up Kaia and she became a member of our family.

March - Thayer turned 24. My mom also celebrated her birthday.

April - Can't think of anything big.

May - Myst turned 6. She also had to have knee surgery to fix her torn ACL.

June - Probably peed on something and hoped I was pregnant and I think I met my buddy Martha in June.

July - Went home again for a visit with both of the dogs. Got to see my college buddies for the first time in over a year. Went to Kimani's birthday party. Took 9 credit hours of Graduate classes and nearly killed myself with homework. My parents celebrated being married 26 years.

August - Hmmm made some more new friends in North Dakota... and probably peed on some more things and hoped I was pregnant.

September - Can't remember anything....

October - Thayer and I celebrated our 2 year anniversary by going to Bismarck and staying the night in a hotel. We went to the Pumpkin Patch the next day. Got some testing done for infertility.

November - Kaia turned a year old. Got some more testing done for infertility.

December - I started working at the CDC on base. Skyped with the family for Christmas. I finally got a prescription for Clomid and will start it in January!


So... all in all... in comparison to other years, 2010 wasn't that bad. I've certainly had worse years, but it could have been better. In 2011, I hope that Thayer and I will finally be able to start a family with the help of Clomid. I hope that I will have a healthy pregnancy when I do get pregnant and we will have a wonderful bundle of joy to celebrate with for next Christmas. I hope that 2011 treats me well!