So... Good news and bad news. My period is officially late. I'm still having "symptoms" and my temperature is still elevated. Bad news -- BFN on 10 and 11 dpo. I realize that it probably way to early... but I just want to know. I hate all of this waiting. I was thinking about just going in today and getting a blood test, but decided against it. I don't want my doctor to think I'm crazy... even though I really am going crazy. I have no signs of AF starting. I guess that's a good thing. I have also lost like 4 pounds in the last 4-5 days. I was on a plateau before all this started and was loosing inches, not pounds.
I hate that it takes so long to know one way or another. I get hopeful... then I POAS and got sad... hopeful again because symptoms are still there then POAS again and depressed again. This is sooooo nerve wracking. I'm ready to just know one way or another. Sunday I will be 14dpo. If I don't have a positive by Monday then I guess I will see about getting into a doctor down in Missouri.
I know I need to get on the progesterone as soon as I find out I'm pregnant. I'm not going to lose another baby do to the negligence of another doctor. So... maybe I'll have some news but the time we get our internet hooked up on Monday.
On a side note: we are moving tomorrow into our new place. I'm mostly excited about it. I'm going to try not to lift anything too heavy just in case. Thayer is also cut off from sex because having sex in your first trimester can cause uterine contractions and make it more possible for a miscarriage. I'm not taking any chances. He has two hands anyways :)
Welcome to the World Orion and Ronin!
Thursday, May 31, 2012
Monday, May 28, 2012
Interesting dreams...
So earlier this month I wrote a blog about having a dream that we were pregnant (Dreams Can be a Cruel Joke). I had this dream shortly after having my period and right before Mother's Day. I didn't really think much of it other than it was a sad dream, and I hated waking up from it because it meant that it was only a dream. Another person stuggling with infertility mentioned that maybe it meant it was going to happen soon. I doubted that that might be true as well. I passed it off as a dream that was conjured because it was what was on my mind before I went to sleep. It was right before Mother's Day after all.
Today, however, my grandma came over and told me about a dream she had last night. She has dreams or visions from time to time. She had a dream where I had a child and the family tree was growing. It is interesting and almost ironic considering everything. A lot of the time her dreams/visions come true. One example was one day she came over and asked if my one cousin and his wife were expecting a baby. My mom told her no, not that we knew of. Less than a week later, my cousin called to tell everyone that they were pregnant. This cousin is on the other side of the family and not related at all to my grandmother. (He is my mom's nephew and this grandma is my dad's mother.)
I just found it really strange that we both had dreams. I'm still having symptoms, though I'm trying to just go with the flow. I've been having some achey cramps. I'm beyond tired. I slept for over 8 hours last night and woke up feeling exhausted. I really want a nap. My breasts are increasing in soreness. It's so hard to not get my hopes really up. In my heart I know I must also be prepared for disappointment. I know I will be okay either way. Life will go on. It would be strange to get pregnant when we aren't even trying after trying desperately for over 2 years. I suppose that's the way things go though.
Today, however, my grandma came over and told me about a dream she had last night. She has dreams or visions from time to time. She had a dream where I had a child and the family tree was growing. It is interesting and almost ironic considering everything. A lot of the time her dreams/visions come true. One example was one day she came over and asked if my one cousin and his wife were expecting a baby. My mom told her no, not that we knew of. Less than a week later, my cousin called to tell everyone that they were pregnant. This cousin is on the other side of the family and not related at all to my grandmother. (He is my mom's nephew and this grandma is my dad's mother.)
I just found it really strange that we both had dreams. I'm still having symptoms, though I'm trying to just go with the flow. I've been having some achey cramps. I'm beyond tired. I slept for over 8 hours last night and woke up feeling exhausted. I really want a nap. My breasts are increasing in soreness. It's so hard to not get my hopes really up. In my heart I know I must also be prepared for disappointment. I know I will be okay either way. Life will go on. It would be strange to get pregnant when we aren't even trying after trying desperately for over 2 years. I suppose that's the way things go though.
Sunday, May 27, 2012
Uncertainty... 8dpo
At this point in time I'm really unsure about how to feel. I'm stuck between feeling hopeful, scared (petrified), or preparing myself for disappointment. I really don't know how I should feel. I cried this morning because I just felt so overwhelmed by everything. Let me explain my current state of emotional upheaval.
I ovulated 8 days ago. Yay! My ovaries worked 3 months in a row. I ovulated on CD17 so that was good. I'm currently in the middle of my two week wait, 8dpo. Now be warned... some of the following may be TMI... I woke up yesterday morning with a great deal of cervical mucus. It was white and fairly sticky. I never usually have noticeable CM after a day or two post ovulation. Additionally, it had a tinge of pink color to it a couple of times. My nipples have also become very sore and sensitive. My temperature is still elevated, though it usually drops about 24-48 hours before I start my period. I also had a little cramping followed by a dull ache for about 4-5 hours yesterday morning. At this point, I think you might all know where I'm going with describing all of these symptoms. If you go back to the month I got pregnant in 2011, these are all exactly the same.
Sometimes I'm not sure if my mind starts imagining things because it is something I want so badly. I'm sure how anyone that knows me well could see where I would have a lot of conflicting emotions.
Mostly I'm scared. I'm scared to be hopeful. I'm scared that if I am I will lose the baby again. Things just seem overwhelming. I know we were supposed to wait, but would "oops" really be so bad? I'm trying to just let things happen. I know I won't officially test until after we get moved. I want to wait the full two weeks.
I would also like opinions and advice. Please, please comment. I need to feel good about this one way or another. I know it wouldn't be the best timing. I'm trying to have hope. I'm trying to relax and be optimistic that things will work out for the best either way.
I ovulated 8 days ago. Yay! My ovaries worked 3 months in a row. I ovulated on CD17 so that was good. I'm currently in the middle of my two week wait, 8dpo. Now be warned... some of the following may be TMI... I woke up yesterday morning with a great deal of cervical mucus. It was white and fairly sticky. I never usually have noticeable CM after a day or two post ovulation. Additionally, it had a tinge of pink color to it a couple of times. My nipples have also become very sore and sensitive. My temperature is still elevated, though it usually drops about 24-48 hours before I start my period. I also had a little cramping followed by a dull ache for about 4-5 hours yesterday morning. At this point, I think you might all know where I'm going with describing all of these symptoms. If you go back to the month I got pregnant in 2011, these are all exactly the same.
Sometimes I'm not sure if my mind starts imagining things because it is something I want so badly. I'm sure how anyone that knows me well could see where I would have a lot of conflicting emotions.
Mostly I'm scared. I'm scared to be hopeful. I'm scared that if I am I will lose the baby again. Things just seem overwhelming. I know we were supposed to wait, but would "oops" really be so bad? I'm trying to just let things happen. I know I won't officially test until after we get moved. I want to wait the full two weeks.
I would also like opinions and advice. Please, please comment. I need to feel good about this one way or another. I know it wouldn't be the best timing. I'm trying to have hope. I'm trying to relax and be optimistic that things will work out for the best either way.
Thursday, May 24, 2012
Oops...
So if everyone else in this world can have an "oops" pregnancy why can't I? Is it bad that I almost hope that I counted days wrong? Is is bad that I hope we have an oops? I know it wouldn't make some people happy... but I've waited long enough. Sure the timing wouldn't be the best. Sure it would be better to wait, but I've been waiting almost 3 years to be a mom. I know this month we weren't the most careful. We should be because I'm still supposed to wait until September. Oh well. I don't know what else to say other than that. I've quit losing weight really fast so I think it will be okay if anything should happen. The likelihood is still pretty low. I talked to Thayer about it and got his opinion. He feels that, though it wouldn't be the best of timing, we would make it work. He said he isn't going to stand in the way of fate and if it's meant to be right now and it happens then he won't be upset. I was worried at first that it might upset him and make him mad.
Either way, I'm done making plans in my life. Like I've said before, they just get all messed up anyways. From now on I'm flying by the seat of my pants.
Lately, there have been other loops thrown into my life. Now that we're moving back to Missouri, things are going to be a little bit different. All my college friends and pre-marriage friends are down there. It will take all of us some getting used to that I'm married (and so are some of them). I know at least one of my friendships makes my husband slightly uncomfortable, but it is my opinion that he'll just have to get over it. I am really good friends with one of my ex's and he happens to live in the same town that we are moving to. Thayer doesn't like to show it, but I know on some level this bothers him because he has been cheated on in the past. I've been friends with this individual for years now and I'm not about to stop being his friend now. He's a good guy and a good friend and that is what matters to me. Yes, we were in a relationship before. Even after we broke up we were "friends" for a couple of years, even while he was in relationships with other girls. (I know... tisk tisk bad Mary). Does this make for an interesting dynamic? Yes it does. But his friendship means the world to me, because whether he knows it or not, even though he broke my heart a few times, he really helped me out at other times as well. I don't know how I can make Thayer more comfortable with it. Right now my friend isn't really even that interested in meeting Thayer because he knows it will be awkward and uncomfortable.... I just don't know.
Either way, I'm done making plans in my life. Like I've said before, they just get all messed up anyways. From now on I'm flying by the seat of my pants.
Lately, there have been other loops thrown into my life. Now that we're moving back to Missouri, things are going to be a little bit different. All my college friends and pre-marriage friends are down there. It will take all of us some getting used to that I'm married (and so are some of them). I know at least one of my friendships makes my husband slightly uncomfortable, but it is my opinion that he'll just have to get over it. I am really good friends with one of my ex's and he happens to live in the same town that we are moving to. Thayer doesn't like to show it, but I know on some level this bothers him because he has been cheated on in the past. I've been friends with this individual for years now and I'm not about to stop being his friend now. He's a good guy and a good friend and that is what matters to me. Yes, we were in a relationship before. Even after we broke up we were "friends" for a couple of years, even while he was in relationships with other girls. (I know... tisk tisk bad Mary). Does this make for an interesting dynamic? Yes it does. But his friendship means the world to me, because whether he knows it or not, even though he broke my heart a few times, he really helped me out at other times as well. I don't know how I can make Thayer more comfortable with it. Right now my friend isn't really even that interested in meeting Thayer because he knows it will be awkward and uncomfortable.... I just don't know.
Monday, May 21, 2012
A Visit From Closure
A Visit from Closure
By way of the setting sun Closure has come.
He rapped softly upon my door, and I welcomed him in unlike some.
Come sit by my hearth. We'll chat for a spin
About the past, but never about what might have been.
We spoke of the good times, the laughs and the fun.
We spoke of the bad times, or hurts that can't be undone.
We spoke of the hopes and dreams we once shared
The dreams that were shattered and can't be repaired.
We talked about what to do next, how to move on,
And how I shouldn't feel empty just because you are gone.
"Be thankful," Closure advised, "that he changed your live so.
Remember all the good times and know when to let go."
I reminded myself that my heart will not always be broken.
That the pieces shall mend, but my lingering love must remain unspoken.
Treasure the pieces that still belong to you with care and try never to forget
The love and trust we shared that first moment we met.
Yes, Closure came to my house I must say with a tear and a sigh.
I did not want to let go, and I yearned to know why.
He left silently; he knew just the right moment to leave.
Alone once again, but I felt no need to grieve.
I gingerly wiped my tear-streaked face
Knowing that the love I have for you I can never replace.
But as the sun was setting once again
My future no longer looked bleak, and I knew I had a new chapter to begin.
Fierce Ovulation
Boy, my ovaries are kicking my butt this month. It feels like I'm being stabbed repeatedly with an ice pick. No bueno... but I guess I really can't complain since it means they're working all on their own! Thayer and I were off on our timing again this month. I ovulated on CD 17 and it threw me off a little with counting. Oh well... what happens, happens. I'm done planning and trying to figure things out because it always goes wrong anyway. I make plans and something always throws them off. From now on I think I will just wing it. Hell... what more could get messed up? We will know one way or the other around the 3rd unless AF rears her ugly head earlier.
A few days ago I had a little scare and I'm debating whether I should see my doctor or not. I had a hypoglycemic episode. I had all the symptoms around 2am. I went downstairs and ended up drinking some juice and eating a cheese stick and felt better in about 10 minutes. Also, it seems like a lot of times after I eat I get really fatigued and just feel like sleeping. I'm not really sure what is going on. At first I thought I might be low on some vitamins so I started really watching what I was consuming and up-ed the amount of vitamin supplements I was taking, but that doesn't really seem to be helping. I could be anemic or maybe I am having problems with my blood sugars.
It looks like I'm on track to graduate with my Master's in December. Right now it looks like I will be completing it in either Nixa or Republic since Springfield Public Schools are a bunch of jerkfaces. I'm glad that I will be able to finish. It's later than I had planned (thank you USAF), but at least I will have a chance to find a job this spring as a teacher and get everything settled.
I also just got the call that we were approved to rent the house we wanted in Republic. We will be moving in on June 1st. The house is only about 2 years old and is really nice. I'm excited to have a place of my own again and get all my stuff back. It's a 2 bedroom, 2 bath home. That's big enough for Thayer and I.
A few days ago I had a little scare and I'm debating whether I should see my doctor or not. I had a hypoglycemic episode. I had all the symptoms around 2am. I went downstairs and ended up drinking some juice and eating a cheese stick and felt better in about 10 minutes. Also, it seems like a lot of times after I eat I get really fatigued and just feel like sleeping. I'm not really sure what is going on. At first I thought I might be low on some vitamins so I started really watching what I was consuming and up-ed the amount of vitamin supplements I was taking, but that doesn't really seem to be helping. I could be anemic or maybe I am having problems with my blood sugars.
It looks like I'm on track to graduate with my Master's in December. Right now it looks like I will be completing it in either Nixa or Republic since Springfield Public Schools are a bunch of jerkfaces. I'm glad that I will be able to finish. It's later than I had planned (thank you USAF), but at least I will have a chance to find a job this spring as a teacher and get everything settled.
I also just got the call that we were approved to rent the house we wanted in Republic. We will be moving in on June 1st. The house is only about 2 years old and is really nice. I'm excited to have a place of my own again and get all my stuff back. It's a 2 bedroom, 2 bath home. That's big enough for Thayer and I.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)