Relaxing... Finally.

So the last week I have been slammed with homework. I thought about half assing it... but then again I don't want to risk losing my 4.0. I'm pretty friggin' proud that I have a 4.0 in Graduate School!

Today I am taking a break from the book and just going to relax with my girls. I love my doggies so much. I can't believe how much unconditional love Myst shows me! She is just the most amazing little dog who loves her momma so much. I love it when she cuddles with me in bed and she's so cute when she gets excited. When she gets excited the tail literally wags the dog. Martha calls her "wiggles." I also can't believe that Kaia is almost a year old (Nov. 24th). I bought the last bag of puppy food yesterday. After that bag is gone she'll be on adult food. My little baby is growing up! I looked at the pictures I took of her when I first picked her up and I can't believe how much she has grown in the last year.

Monday I have to call Dr. Billings office on Monday and get my prescription for Provera. AF hasn't showed up yet and he said he didn't want me to wait any longer until the first of the month. I'm ready get get things rolling! After I get on the Provera I'm one step closer to having the HSG ran. Thayer said he would try to take a half a day off to take me to the appointment because you're not supposed to drive afterwards. I know I'm definitely going to take some pain meds before I have it ran. I've heard people tell me that it's really painful and I've had others tell me that it wasn't any worse than having a pap. lol I'm just kinda weirded out because I'm going to have God knows how many people looking up my girl parts. It's really awkward. To be honest, it makes me more uncomfortable to have a male doctor looking up there than a female. lol so anyways...

I should be cleaning, but I'm boycotting it. I'll do some of that this weekend and maybe I'll make Thayer help me. We'll see if that actually will happen.

OH! I got one of my infertility books in the mail yesterday and started reading it! It's super funny and it makes me feel better. It's called Conception Chronicles. Any woman going through infertility should give it a try. It makes me laugh and helps me realize how many women are in the same boat as me. It also had some uplifting statistics. 90% of women who experience infertility go on to have babies. I guess there is always a chance I'm in that 10% that doesn't... but I'm choosing to focus on the positive.

The Rampant Stupidity Astounds Me...

I'm not sure I have a lot to say... other than there are some really stupid people in this world and they're really irritating. I'm not saying I don't do stupid things... but I try to take care of me, act like an adult, don't do things I can't afford. I mean, really common sense dictates most of my decisions in life and I wish more people had common sense. I want to go off and vent and name names, but that would be immature considering people might read this so... yeah. I guess that's it. I will continue to take out my frustrations by punching and screaming into my pillow.

Minot = the Edge of Nowhere

So today I got some frustrating news. I called to make my appointment with the Reproductive Endorcinologist (RE) only to find they have no appointments left for the ONE day that he will be in Minot in the next 4 months. Yes that's right... the RE only comes to Minot once a quarter. This place isn't even the middle of nowhere... it's there very outlying edge of nowhere. The scheduler was going to take to Dr. Corfman (the RE) and see if he was thinking about adding a day to his visit or at least extending it for a few hours so that he could see me. If not I will have to drive to Bismarck or Fargo (he's there once a month) or all the way to Minneapolis where his office is. This is just frustrating news. Why do we have to be stationed here in the edge of nowhere, where I can't get the medical treatments I need without driving 2+ hours. The only good news is that if I do have to go all that distance I might be able to have reinbursement for travel expenses.

Yesterday I made a few purchases on Amazon.com. I bought 2 books about infertility. The Conception Chronicles: The Uncensored Truth About Sex, Love & Marriage When You're Trying to Get Pregnant and Unsung Lullabies: Understanding and Coping with Infertility . I hope that they are good and encouraging. I really want to read something that will help me stay in a positive state of mind! I also bought a pack of 50 ovulation tests. They were way cheaper online... only $10 in all with shipping. They are so expensive to buy in the store... even the ones at the dollar store. It was just easier to do it this way. Maybe I won't even have to use them all and I can give them to someone else to pee on. lol That's one of the funny things about infertility... you constantly pee on things and analyze your toilet paper. (see if Aunt Flow has showed up.) If I don't try to laugh about it, then I'm going to cry and I'd much rather laugh.

In a way... I feel lucky

I've just been doing some thinking. I'm definitely trying to stay on the sunny side of life. I was just thinking the other day about all the women that are struggling with infertility, but aren't lucky enough to have insurance that covers it like I do. I can't even image having to pay for this stuff out of pocket. So I'm lucky, in a way, that we have the insurance we do that covers everything but IVF. I'm excited about all the upcoming things and finally getting some real answers and moving on with getting some "real" treatments started. I know it's going to be rough because I'll probably have to be on Provera most months and that makes me feel like shit, but the results will definitely be worth it!

So... most of my blogs lately have been about my struggle with infertility and I'm sure most people are sick of hearing about my jacked up ovaries. Sorry, it's just been on my mind a lot.

So... what else has been going on? Not a whole lot. School is still going alright. I need to quit procrastinating so much. I keep saying that but it never seems to happen. Let's see... I've finally made some really good friends up here. People I love hanging out with and have things in common with. They're supportive of me and yeah, it makes me feel really lucky. I'm glad I kept trying to make friends and didn't give up. I was on the verge of giving up for good, and then these wonderful ladies showed up! The dogs are doing well. Kaia will be a year old next month! She's so big compared to when we got her. She's starting to bulk up and not look so skinny, and she is loving the cooler weather we've been having. She just wants to go outside and hang out. Myst is doing good as well. She's still momma's little baby, and I treat her as such. I've also applied for some jobs here on base. The Library told me they couldn't do anything with my application because I can't claim spouse preference. I've also applied to be a secretary at the vet clinic, the CDC, and the BX. I would probably like to have a job at the CDC the most, but at this point I just want my own money and to get out of the house. I only want to work about 20 hours a week so I can keep up with school. Still now news about Thayer deploying, but then again he could get orders one day and ship out a week later because he is volunteering. Guess that's all for now :)

Adventures in Infertility - A New (and Hopeful) Beginning

So my visit to the doctor was actually really great. I found out today that I'm not pregnant. Yes, that was depressing... but not as depressing as I thought it would be. Dr. Billings was awesome. Must more helpful and kind than Dr. Bozeman could ever dream of being. At least now I have a game plan. I'm going to share it... so please don't read if you don't like the following words: period, ovulation, ovary, uterus, vagina... or any other female related words... or if you don't want to know about my reproductive organs and what my plans for them are.

My infertility game plan:

1. I am going in at the beginning of Nov. to have a hysterosalpingography (HSG) ran. In this test they will inject dye into my uterus and do a series of xrays to determine if my uterus is normal shape/size and if my Fallopian tubes are clear and free of scar tissue. The HSG must be ran on the 10th day of my cycle... meaning I have to start my period for it to happen. I was due to start today, but haven't yet. Dr. Billings does not want me to go past the beginning of Nov. without my period. If I don't get it by Nov. 1st I am supposed to call his office and get Provera to bring on my period.

2. If my HSG comes out normal they will do blood work and start me on Clomid.

3. Dr. Billings wanted to do 3 months of Clomid to see how it worked then he would refer me to a Reproductive Endorcinologist (RE) BUT since the RE is going to be in Minot in November (he only comes once every quarter) he went ahead and gave me a referral for a consultation! This made me really really happy... I'm not going to have to wait around forever in order to get things moving. Everything is going to be set up and moving relatively fast.

4. The RE will be able to help me more than just and OB/GYN because, like the name says, they specialize in reproduction.


If any of y'all ever have any questions please let me know... I'm pretty open about this stuff... and the more you know, the more you'll be able to support me as I go through all of this!

I Can Taste How Bitter I've Become

So tomorrow is the "big" day. I have to admit that it definitely comes with a tirade of mixed emotions. On one hand I want to be hopeful that when I pee in a cup tomorrow and use the little dropper it will tell me that yes, finally I am pregnant. On the other hand I don't want to get hopeful. I know that if I start hoping I'm just going to be a million times more depressed when I find out I'm not.

There are other highs and lows to be had tomorrow. I'm also going back to the OB/GYN for the first time in over a year. I'm going to talk to him about getting more fertility treatments. Right now I'm not really on anything. I know what I would like to happen, but then again, I'm not getting trying to not get hopeful. I know what I want to happen most likely will not happen. So far on the road of getting treatments I've had blood work done and a pap/pelvic. My hubby has had his semen analysis.... I know there are more tests to be run before the doctors up here will give out Clomid. I want to get those done ASAP, especially if Thayer ends up getting deployed. I want to be pregnant before we have to deal with that. Yes, I now being pregnant for our first deployment isn't ideal, but when you've been going through this process... it doesn't really matter when you get prenant it is "if" you get pregnant. I'll take whatever I can get, even if I have to do it alone. I'm prepared for that.

Tomorrow I want to find out what our next step should be. I want to get Clomid ASAP, I want Provera so I can make sure I'm having a period every month. I know what I want... now I just have to go about getting it.

As for the title of this blog... the last few days I've felt really down. Nothing "bad" has happened... no one has made me upset. I'm just dealing with a lot of emotions right now. Honestly it was 100% easier when I knew I wasn't ovulating because then I had no hope at all. Sometimes "hope" drives me crazy, and I know that sounds crazy. It gets really hard when you hope and hope and hope for months on end only to have nothing to show for it. Eventually you start to lose faith in hoping. I've been feeling more and more upset and yes, I will fully admit that I'm bitter. A lot of what I'm bitter about I can't even write about because I don't know whose toes I will step on. I'm bitter because there are women out there that are having babies that 1. don't take care of them/appreciate them 2. that are doing drugs or abusing their children 3. can't afford the kids they have and my money is going to help support them when they just keep popping more and more babies out.... Honestly, I could go on and on about the things I'm "bitter" about... but mostly I'm bitter because so many women have what I want. I want to be a mom... I LONG to be a mother. I know I would be an amazing mother.... but I don't know if I will ever have the opportunity to fulfill that dream.

Tomorrow is another day... and I hope it's sunny... because I don't think I could handle a dreary day. Tomorrow will be rough and I might need a shoulder to cry on.

Slammed the door and said, "I'm sorry I had a bad day again."

So I'll be the first to admit that I've been a moody bitch today. Probably PMS.

Today is my two year anniversary with my husband. We had a wonderful anniversary. We drove down to Bismarck and stayed the night. The steak I had at Texas Roadhouse was knock your socks off delicious! After dinner we went back to the hotel and played in the pool and relaxed in the hot tub. It was great to just take a break from life together. That night I got really sick with a horrible migraine. It was the worst I had had in months. I broke out in a cold sweat, was sick to my stomach. It was pretty awesome. I woke up in the morning and felt alright. We went to eat lunch at Qdoba. Super yummy gianormous burrito... so good! Then we drove out to Papa's Pumpkin Patch. We spent some time just goofing off and we each picked out a pumpkin. We came home and carved our pumpkins with the help of the dogs. Mine is Boo from Super Mario Bros. and Thayer carved a howling wolf. They look pretty awesome when they're lit up.

Today has just been a bad day other than it being our anniversary. I've felt sick off and on all day. I'm incredibly tired. I'm really moody and my boobs hurt. I know some of you are thinking "OMG, sounds like you're pregnant" but I'm not going to get my hopes up at all. I know if I do that I'll just feel a million times more disappointed when I find out I'm not. Right now, I'm just trying to put it all of my mind. I know I've been feeling like a bitter bitch all day I have these mean thought that I normally wouldn't think running through my head and it makes me mad at myself. I'm not a mean person, but damn... I go back to the doctor in 5 days and we'll see what he says about getting started on more fertility treatments. Aunt Flo is supposed to make her appearance on the same day. There is a really good chance the next few days I'm going to be in a bad mood.

Ten Days

Ten days until good old AF is supposed to arrive... Ten days until I go back to the OB/GYN and start to move down the path of infertility treatments again. Ten long, agonizing days. Ten days doesn't seem like that long of time, but when you're waiting to know if your biggest dream might be coming true, ten days feels like an eternity. Ten days until I know if I might become a mother or ten days until I once again feel like a complete and total failure. Ten days until tears of sorrow or until tears of joy. Ten long long days.

So I had a dream the other night that I was pregnant, but it was a tubal pregnancy. It wasn't caught in time and my fallopian tube ruptured and caused all kinds of yucky stuff, not to mention the loss of my "dream" baby. In my dream, my friend Brianna was also pregnant and I had to go with her for her first ultrasound on the day that I found out my baby was dead. (She was found out she was having a boy.) I woke up crying and scared. It was a good dream for Brianna because she is going through infertility as well... but it was devastating for me. It felt so real... like my "baby" really had died and I was sitting there watching someone else get everything I had ever wanted. (Sorry Brianna... you know how it is so I know you won't be upset with me for saying that I hope!!)

Faking Myself Out

So... I think that ovulating and knowing it is a double edge sword. Though I don't think we did the deed at the right times to make a baby, there's always that chance with a few hours difference here or there that it could have happened. *sigh* Now that I know I ovulated I keep thinking "what if." I also keep feeling these signs that say I might be pregnant. I know my mind is telling me that my hormones are probably just off and making me feel this way, but my heart is saying "please, please, pretty pretty please?" I won't go into details, but this is so hard. It was almost easier knowing there was no chance. I know this 2 week wait (now less than 2 weeks) is going to be hell... and then when the test comes back negative I'm going to cry and cry and sit at home for a few days wallowing in misery.

Hunger Strike...

I have to have the weirdest dog ever. Myst is currently on a hunger strike because Kaia got new dog food and she wants it too. Myst has to be on a special dog food because she is prone to getting bladder stones, which, if she does get them, it will require surgery. She doesn't really "like" her food, but she usually eats her 1/2 cup twice a day with no problems. She's eaten maybe a cup since I got Kaia the new food. I know she's not sick, she's just stubborn. (Don't know who she got that from... lol). She'll eat when she gets hungry enough. My dog is such a brat! lol

I should really be going to bed, but I've been having trouble sleeping again. Last night I had a really weird dream too. Not sure what to do about the sleep situation because I definitely don't want to be on anymore medication.

I really need to get cracking on some homework this weekend. I've been procrastinating so bad this semester... 10 time worse than my other semesters. I think that is the biggest draw back to taking online classes.

Sometimes I really worry about my parents. I'm scared that one day I'm going to wake up and one of them is going to be gone. My mom went to the doctor today and found out that her blood pressure medicine wasn't working at all anymore and that was why she has been feeling so crappy like ALL summer. Today her blood pressure was 180/100.. which is AWFUL!! Much higher than that and she could have had a stroke or heart attack. I'm also worried because she smokes and like 7-8 years ago they found pre-cancerous cells on her vocal cords, which was most likely caused by smoking. I want her to quit so bad. I want her to be able to see her grandchildren grow up. I also worry about my dad. He had partial blockages in her arteries a couple years ago and had like a warning attack. It wasn't a heart attack, but he body was trying to get his attention and tell him that something needed to change. I just don't know what to do and I feel so helpless at times because I'm so far away. I'm not there to kick their asses into gear. When I was still living at home I would make them "heart healthy" meals out of the American Heart Society cookbook and things, but that's all gone to the side now that I'm gone. I just want them to be around for many many more years.

I mean I know I'm not perfect and I need to do a better job... but geez. I eat pretty health most of the time, I just have trouble dropping the weight because of the PCOS. I'm sure some people think that I use that as an excuse, but they should do some research before they start to judge. I would LOVE to lose weight and I try hard to, but nothing seems to work. I usually eat about 1500 calories a day and I walk and play with the dogs and things. I also do either a "Shimmy" or "Bollywood" exercise program a couple times a week. You would think with that something would happen, but I've been at a standstill for almost a month now. Before that I had lost about 10lbs. It's just so frustrating when it just stops!

Go Ovaries!

So I have good news to report... and yes it is about my ovaries. Apparently they decided that they would like to work this month! I know for many working women, working ovaries is a common occurance, but when you're dealing with PCOS it is not. I'm 95% positive I have not ovulated since LAST November. Maybe all my body needed was a little kick start from the Provera... who knows. I'm 99% sure that I ovulated all on my own this month which is fabulous news! I wasn't taking my temp. anymore and I didn't pee on anything (lol for once) so I'm not completely sure. I did, however, have all the symptoms of when I used to ovulate... the little cramp on the side, really sore boobies, a little moody... All telling me that my hormones spiked and popped out a little egg-ie. All of the symptoms came at the same time as 14 days into my cycle which is when you're supposed to ovulate. I'm super excited that my body did something right for once. I know there's pretty much no chance of getting pregnant this month because we weren't expecting me to be ovulating because I never do... so we didn't time *cough* things right for there to me much of a chance. Even though there isn't much of a chance I'm just excited that my body is working better now. I'm sure being back on the Metformin (1250mg) has helped as well. I can't wait to go back to the doctor on the 21st even though I know I'll have to go through some uncomfortable tests, I'm ready to be a mom!

Pop-Up Video.... or Life.

So this is just randomness... be prepared!

+++ I finished the novel, The Book Thief. It was pretty awesome. I would definitely recommend it to everyone! It's about a girl who is placed in foster care in Germany during WWII and is told from the Death's point of view. I am now reading Pride and Prejudice and Zombies. It's really quite humerous. I might find it some of it more interesting and funny because I've taught it before.

+++ I went shopping today at the BX and Commissary. I got lots of groceries and some bones for the dogs. Things got a little bit interesting at the BX, but that's all I'll say about that. I also ran into Martha at the BX.

+++ I've started playing World of Warcraft with the husband again. We are playing with some guys from his shop and their girlfriends. It's interesting playing with people that he knows. In that past I've played with strangers who then became friends. It's nice to be back playing again and talking to all my old friends from the game.

+++ I bought pregnancy tests today, just the really cheap ones. I want to make sure I have some on hand when we start back to serious baby making. I probably should have bought a box of Kleenexes or two so that I could use them when I'm crying my eyes out when they come back negative.

+++ I applied for a job at the CDC on base. I've applied in the past but I seem to have trouble getting a job on base because I can't claim "Spouse Preference." I've also applied at the school districts for aid jobs, but I'm told that I'm over-qualified. I just want a job. I'm kinda being picky about where I apply because if Thayer does end up deploying I want to go back home and that will require me to quit the job.

Wishes Happiness Was As Contagious as the Clap

I think that everyone being down and depressed on Facebook and other outlets is seriously effecting my mood. I can't really ignore them. I have to be a friend and try to be understanding, but where do I draw the line? I'm not talking about those that occassionally say "Life sucks, etc." I'm talking about the ones that have to find something to bitch about in every single status update they make. More people need to turn their frowns upside down. There is always something positive in your life if you look at it. Yeah some things may suck, I know that better than most, but it's all how you look at it. If you dwell on the negative then of course you're going to be uphappy. I know I used to be this way. I used to be the Queen of Negativity, but I'm trying to turn over a new leaf. I want to be happy for once and look at the positive side of things. Life is to short to be unhappy all the time.

The good things in my life:

1. My loving husband. Yes he has his moments when he's a jerkface, but I know he loves me.

2. My friends, both new and old. I miss my old friends from my hometown and from college, but the ones that really matter are still my friends no matter how far apart we are. And my new friends, I have to admit I have finally met some pretty awesome ladies up here in North Dakota.

3. My awesome parents. I just want to say that my parents rock my socks. My mom is my best friend and I'm so glad that we have such a wonderful relationship.

4. The rest of the family. Most of them are pretty awesome :)

5. My super awesome dog Myst and Thayer's pain in the ass Kaia. Myst has been my rock and baby for over 6 years now, and I don't know how I would have gotten through some things without her.

6. Food to eat. I have food to eat. Enough said. I can be happy for the little things in life.

7. My house. I love my house other than the stupid tile.

8. Good books. I have read so many good books in my life. Some funny, some inspirational. Who couldn't be happy about good books?

There are a lot of other things in my life that make me happy.

Determined

So this month I am determined to have a good... no GREAT month! So far it has been a good month, though it just started.

Oct. 16th is Thayer and I's anniversary. The last 2 years have had their ups and downs. I'm not going to lie... we've fought, we've yelled, we've said mean things to each other, but we have also loved, cared, hugged, kissed, and grown a lot closer. It's amazing how the one thing that makes me so sad can actually make a marriage that much stronger. Battling infertility has changed my view on so many things. I know that going through this battle together is only making our relationship stronger. I love my husband. I may bitch and complain about him at times, but I will always love him and I couldn't imagine my life without him in it. I can't wait for us to have children. I think a child can be one of the ultimate forms of love. A child is a way for us to be together forever, even after we're gone, our love will always be carried on. For our anniversary I'm thinking about getting us a couple's massage from the spa downtown. lol That would be a treat for both of us and a day that we can relax and just enjoy being together. I'm sure I could use some down time.

I go back to the OB/GYN (a different one this time, thank GOD!!) on Oct. 21st. My bought with Provera is over and I'm curious whether I will ovulate this month. I'm betting not. I'm also curious if good old AF will visit me in a timely manner. I just want my body to get all straightened out again like it was when I first went of BC. Hopefully, Dr. Billings will finish up my testing and start me on Clomid. I'm so ready to get the ball rolling again. I'm also planning on having a wine night at my house prior to this doctor's visit. I want to clear all of the alcohol out of the house and really commit to this baby making again. I had kind of given up because I knew I wasn't ovulating, but now that there might be hope and a chance of getting pregnant I want to be prepared. Also, I'm not supposed to drink on my medicine (oops lol). Alcohol also does funny things to women with PCOS. We're kind of like diabetics in that aspect because of the insulin resistance. I will continue to cross my fingers and hope for the best because there isn't much more than that to do.

I'm sure there are other things going on this month, but at this early hour (1:35am), I am drawing a blank.

School is going well. After this semester I will be over half way done with my Master's program. I'm set to graduate December 2011.

We should hopefully know something about Thayer possibly deploying by the end of the month. I hope we know something soon because it effects my plans for school