Everyone and Snooki.... but me...

Lately it seems that everyone is pregnant. So many people I know are having their second. It's hard. I'm not going to lie. Many of them started trying for their first after Thayer and I started trying for our first. Almost 3 years after we started trying and I still have empty arms. Maybe my dream will never come true. I'm just so over waiting, testing, temping, wondering... I know we haven't been able to try at all for the last 6 months, but that doesn't make it any easier. I WANT to try. I WANT to have a baby. I WANT to have one now. I WANT to see those 2 pink lines. The problem is I CAN'T try. I mean, technically I could but that wouldn't be the smart thing to do.

I want to be happy when people tell me that they are pregnant... but it is so hard to conceal my envy especially if the child is conceived under less than stellar circumstances such as a teen mom. How can I even begin to feel happy about that? Here I am... a responsible 27 year old woman who is college educated, who has been married 3.5 years to a wonderful responsible man, but every idiot teenager and Snooki can get pregnant. Seriously? I guess at least I know now where my tax dollars are going.

It's hard to believe that this time last year I was pregnant. I didn't know it yet. We didn't find out until March 10th. Then just a short time later we found out we were losing our little dream. I still miss her all the time. How could I not? She was my baby, even though no one else seems to acknowledge she was real. I don't even think Thayer remembers. I'm scared to talk about and bring it up to him.

Today is Thayer's Birthday. I hope he had a good day. I've been really moody lately. I'm not going to lie about that either. I'm stress and just generally down. I knew March was going to be a difficult month. I knew it and thought I was prepared. But I guess I wasn't. So much change has happened in the last month. My whole world has been turned upside down and I'm reeling from it. I miss my girls. I miss the support and laughs I got from them. Even if they didn't know something was wrong they could always make me feel better. I miss them so much.

Bumpy Road

This last week has been pretty bump. I've been especially moody and so has Thayer. Two moody people make for an unhappy household. Hopefully things get better soon. I've had it up to my ears with everything. I know part of my moodiness is from being on and just getting off of my period. There were other things that just made this week hard. It just seems that everywhere I look there is a reminder that I'm not pregnant, that I'm not going to be a mom. Facebook announcements... people who started trying after me who got pregnant and had a baby and are now announcing their second pregnancy... while I'm still waiting on baby #1.

I hate how bitter and angry I am at God. I believe in God. I'm an Agnostic Theist. I believe in a higher power. Right now I just believe that He, whoever He is, is cruel and heartless. He's unfair and unjust. He's and Indian giver (I knowm not politically correct). He lets good people, genuinely great people suffer while people who are horrid get everthing their little heart desires. He doesn't give things to those that deserve it, but instead rewards those who don't. I know all that I've just said will probably make some people angry. Heck, it might even make some people not want to be my friend anymore. So be it. I thought I believed in Karma, you know... that you reap what you sew. I'm not so sure anymore. I've been doing lots of good things with my life. I always have. I volunteer. I help people out.... but where is any of it coming back to me? What have I done in my life so horrible as to deserve this punishment of infertility?

To top it off, other things in my life have become complicated and just weird. I'm so ready for my vacation and to get away from Minot for at least a little while. I need a break from everything, and honestly it can't come fast enough.

On a better note, the clinic on base got my records sent down to the surgeon. I go for my first consult on June 21st. I hope that Thayer will be able to go with me. On the 22nd I go in for my Psych eval that they make everyone have prior to surgery. The first consultation with the surgeon will be pretty basic. After they get that information and the info from the consultation they will submit it to Tricare and wait for approval. We will also discuss potential surgery dates because they will have a pretty good idea how long it will take Tricare to approve me for the surgery.

We all have these kinds of days... right?

Today was a bad day... no other way to describe it. It was a horrible, rotten, no good, very bad day. It started off with Kaia waking me up whining over and over again. Then I got up and got started on my homework and nothing was going right. I didn't understand one part of the project. I needed more ink for my printer... then after Thayer had already ran to the BX, I realized I was out of paper too. I was just so moody. Then I looked around and saw that the house was a mess. While I was struggling with my homework, my husband was sitting on his computer playing a game. It just didn't seem fair at all that I worked 6 days this week, then had to do homework... and then had to do all the housework. So I snapped. I mean I went off on him... I ripped him a new asshole. I yelled, I screamed, I just.... Snapped. When I was mad and yelling at him the truth came out.. and we ended up just holding each other and crying. I was mad at him, deep inside, for not being there when I lost the baby. First, he wouldn't go to the hospital with me... and then when I was crying and in so much pain when I passed the baby he was lying on the couch sleeping his lunch break away. At one point I was lying on the couch crying loudly, he woke up and asked me what was wrong... then just went back to sleep. I was ANGRY... I was angry that I had to throw our baby away. I was angry that he got to sleep while I had to flush our baby down the toilet. I was angry because I thought he was semi-happy that I lost the baby and with the move and getting out of the Air Force... it would just be easier to not have the baby. I was angry because he didn't seem to care. I could go on and on... I was just so angry. I'm glad it is out in the open... I'm glad we got it out of the way. I just wish I could have calmly talked to him about it. I don't think I would have ever talked to him about it, had we not fought though. Everything is fine now... but it was seriously a bad day.

Lately I've just been so stressed and frustrated... school, work, moving (not knowing about moving), the miscarriage.... It's just so much to deal with it. I feel overwhelmed and all alone at times. I'm one of those people that feels they always have to be strong, not talk about it, deal with it on my own.... That's just how I am. I don't talk... and then it all builds up.

This not knowing about moving is driving me crazy. We know we have to be out of Minot by the 31st of May... but we have no check list. We have no orders... we have nothing to go off of. The papers are signed so we know we're leaving by the 31st... but that is ALL we know. Not being able to plan anything is killing me. It is so frustrating.

I Love Rollercoasters, BUT this is bloody RIDICULOUS!

So... the last week or so has been a huge rollercoaster. My moods are unpredictable at best. Anyone that says that being pregnant causes crazy mood swings has obviously never been through infertility treatment and had their body pumped full of every synthetic hormone known to man. The last week has just been rough. First there was Christmas. It's always hard being away from family (well certain family). I miss my mom. I miss my dad. I miss not freezing my ass of in North Dakota.

I also started work 3ish weeks ago now. Work is actually good. Some of the women are well... women. A-typical, catty, cliche belonging, women. Oh... and then there's the ONE woman. She will be called Witchy. I had a run in with Witchy because I was in a room with 10 pre-toddlers. She was changing diapers (which I offered to do). She warned me that one particular child was a 'biter' and to watch him. Witchy wasn't exactly nice in the way she told me this but I brushed it off. So... she was changing diapers and I was in charge of the other 9 children. So Mr. Biter bit her "favorite" while I was stopping another child from hitting his friend with a toy. It then became all my fault that Mr. Biter bit the other little girl. SOOO annoying. She was so rude to me the rest of the day and she's still rude to me and glares at me when she sees me in the hallway. Witchy is also the woman I was warned to watch out for before I was even hired. lol so that's saying something!

Oh... lets see... What else has happened this week. We called the in-laws for Christmas and talked to my mother and sister in law. My father-in-law was spending Christmas "alone" *cough cough* in the Phillipines. Whatever. I'm glad I've never had to talk to him and probably will never talk to him. He's an asshole. Thayer found out from his sister the REAL reason why their dad isn't talking to him. It's not because Thayer got married and they didn't know about it, it's because Thayer married someone that he never would have. In his words... Thayer married a "fat" girl and I'm not good enough to be a member of his family for this reason. Well, it's a damn good thing that this "fat" girl lives an ocean away because I'm sure this "fat" girl could and would kick his ass if he ever had the balls to say that to my face. My father-in-law is a worthless piece of shit. I could go on and on and vent about his stupid ass. You would THINK a father would be happy that his son found someone he wanted to spend the rest of his life with and that his son was happy. You would THINK that a father would be proud that his son married a woman that is successful in her own right... meaning I put myself through college. I'm working on my Master's degree... etc. NO... he has to be a shallow PRICK.

Slammed the door and said, "I'm sorry I had a bad day again."

So I'll be the first to admit that I've been a moody bitch today. Probably PMS.

Today is my two year anniversary with my husband. We had a wonderful anniversary. We drove down to Bismarck and stayed the night. The steak I had at Texas Roadhouse was knock your socks off delicious! After dinner we went back to the hotel and played in the pool and relaxed in the hot tub. It was great to just take a break from life together. That night I got really sick with a horrible migraine. It was the worst I had had in months. I broke out in a cold sweat, was sick to my stomach. It was pretty awesome. I woke up in the morning and felt alright. We went to eat lunch at Qdoba. Super yummy gianormous burrito... so good! Then we drove out to Papa's Pumpkin Patch. We spent some time just goofing off and we each picked out a pumpkin. We came home and carved our pumpkins with the help of the dogs. Mine is Boo from Super Mario Bros. and Thayer carved a howling wolf. They look pretty awesome when they're lit up.

Today has just been a bad day other than it being our anniversary. I've felt sick off and on all day. I'm incredibly tired. I'm really moody and my boobs hurt. I know some of you are thinking "OMG, sounds like you're pregnant" but I'm not going to get my hopes up at all. I know if I do that I'll just feel a million times more disappointed when I find out I'm not. Right now, I'm just trying to put it all of my mind. I know I've been feeling like a bitter bitch all day I have these mean thought that I normally wouldn't think running through my head and it makes me mad at myself. I'm not a mean person, but damn... I go back to the doctor in 5 days and we'll see what he says about getting started on more fertility treatments. Aunt Flo is supposed to make her appearance on the same day. There is a really good chance the next few days I'm going to be in a bad mood.