rawr rawr rawr

So... it is the last day of January... and I have 4 more days until I can test. lol Yes, I'm keeping a countdown. I can't help it. I really don't think I am. I'm pretty sure, at this point, I'm not. I have no symptoms at all. Yeah it's sad and depressing. Frankly, it really really sucks.

On another note... I'm sick... again. It sucks. At least I will have a killer immune system after working at the CDC. The doctor doesn't want me to go back to work until Wednesday because my bronchitis was so bad that it was close to turning into pnemonia. I have anti-biotics and 2 cough medicines (that I can't take because I might, emphasis on might, be pregnant). The dogs have done a good job taking care of me while I've been home and keeping me company. Thayer has also helped me when he could and was home.

School has started again, and it has been rough this semester so far. Going to school full time, working full time, and scheduling my fertility treatments has been a little difficult. I'm glad that work has been, for the most part, understanding. They weren't happy with me the other day because I couldn't get my Hepititis A, Hepititis B, and Varicella immunizations because I *might* be pregnant. I have to go see the doctor and get a waver. Oh well, I guess they will get over it. The health of my potential child is way more important.

It's My Party!

So yesterday was my 26th birthday. Yeah, I know. I'm getting old! My RE says I'm still young though so :-P

During this, my twenty-sixth year of life, I will try to look to the future and what is in front of me instead of dwelling on the past and "what might have been." You can't live you're life that way. It's just too sad and depressing. So... looking to the future... Friday I can test to see if I'm pregnant. If the home test says no I'm still going in to the clinic to have them do a blood test so I can start my Provera and another month of treatment if I'm not. If I am then YAY!! I'm trying not to be too hopeful because I know if I'm not I'm going to be plenty heartbroken. If I'm not, I'll probably staying in and having a pity party for one all weekend. I guess we will just have to see. I know a lot of my friends and family want me to post it up on Facebook as soon as I know. I kind of have mixed feelings about doing that. I mean, I do have an increased risk of miscarriage and won't be in the clear until I'm 12 weeks along. So... I'm torn with what I should do. I want everyone to know and be happy for me, but what if I lose the baby? lol so much for looking at the future... it's kind of depressing too.

So more about my birthday :) I went out to dinner with some friends then we went back to my house and just hung out. It was a good time. A lot of people didn't come that said they would, but I guess that was to be expected. People get sick, etc. Martha made me an honorary beaner by giving me a cake in the face :)

Filled with Self-Doubt

WARNING: Pity Party Incoming!

So... this time, like all the other times, is it all in my head? I am almost 7 days past ovulation... if there is a bean, it should be starting to stick. I try so hard not to get my hopes up, but I want to so bad. I want to be excited. I want to be happy. I want to be able to plan how I'm going to tell Thayer and my parents/family. I want to be able to shop (after the first 3 months of course) for nursery items. I already know the colors and theme I want. Is that bad? What if my dream never comes true and I never get to paint a nursery. I just want to be positive, but it is so difficult to be positive when every month for over a year and a half I have been greeted by sadness and heartbreak. I know this month because of all the testing and knowing that things were going well, my heart will break even more. There was hope this month. There was a REAL chance I could get pregnant.... what if I fail again? I hate being a disappointment and failure. I hate feeling like I'm letting Thayer down, my parents down... and most of all I hate letting myself down. Yesterday for the first time at work I felt sad. I saw a little boy in my room interacting with his dad. His dad was being fun and just awesome... I just thought "What if Thayer never gets to be a dad?" Maybe I'm not good enough for Thayer or anyone. Maybe Thayer's dad is right, maybe I don't deserve to be part of their family. Maybe it was a mistake. Maybe this is all happening because I don't deserve to be happy. The is the first time in a LOOOONG time I've felt down and truly sad about my infertility. I'm sorry if you don't like it, but I have the right to be sad and upset. If you haven't been in my shoes you have no idea what I'm going through, and you have no right to judge me or anyone else. (Just thought I'd throw that last part in there.) Yes, I'm having a pity party.... if you don't wish to join me feel free to leave.

The Countdown!

So the countdown has begun. I can officially test to see if I'm pregnant on the 4th of February. I know ovulated at least one really really awesome/good egg, so I guess it was all in Thayer's hands. I'm ready for the 2 week wait to be over with. This is time is always the LONGEST two weeks ever. I feel so impatient. I know that I ovulated. I had a positive ovulation predictor strip, and I felt it. I usually get ovulation pains... this month they were hardcore. I felt them for like 6 hours and they were no both sides. They feel a lot like period cramps, but they were higher up. At least I know exactly when I ovulated. I hope that we will get a sticky bean and in October we will have a baby. If it doesn't happen this month, then next month we are going to use a trigger shot. I'm not sure how much good it will do other than knowing in advance exactly when I ovulate, but I will try anything.

My birthday is this Saturday. I'm pretty excited. I'm going out with friends to celebrate. For the last 2 years it has just been Thayer and I, but I'm ready to actually have a good time with great friends.

It's Hard Not To...

So I went in for my second ultrasound on Tuesday and got super awesome news. I had 14+ follicles between my two ovaries. There were 12 in my left (one very mature) and 2+ in my right. They aren't sure about my right side because my ovary on that side is very high up and they couldn't get a clear picture with any of the ultrasound wand thingys. Dr. Billings said I should ovulate any day (looks like probably tomorrow based on my OPKs). He said I could come in to his office and have a trigger shot that would make me ovulate within 36 hours. I'm opting to just have my body ovulate naturally. If I don't get pregnant this month then next month I will try the trigger. So now that my body has worked well (YAY!!!)... it is all up to Thayer's little men to get to their destination. I'm so happy and excited that for once I'm not broken. My body did its job with the help of medication. There is a real and I mean REAL chance I could get pregnant this month. It's kinda a bummer that I won't be able to test until after my birthday but I'm hoping for a WONDERFUL late birthday present. I'm trying to not let Thayer's excitement get to me. I want to be excited... I want to be pregnant... But I think all of this trying for a baby thing is finally becoming real to Thayer. For Christmas he was like okay we can't spend over this amount because we have to put extra in the savings account for the baby... He's been saying a lot of little things like that lately. He has his hopes up and I don't want to be a Debbie Downer for him... but I've learned not to get my hopes up. I'm glad he's so excited, I just don't want to him to be upset with me if it doesn't happen this month.

Finally... A Turning Point

So... I think Thayer might actually FINALLY get it. Today was my last day on Clomid (WOOT). The mood swings weren't bad... but the nausea and vomiting were. Oh well... if it works things will be peachy. I think Thayer has finally realized how hard this infertility journey is for me. (About damn time!) This week he got to see me in horrible pain after my US... and then he got to see me super sick from the Clomid. Between the two of those, he can finally understand all that I'm going through to try and help us expand our family. He was sweet to me and took care of me when I was sick.

So now I guess the fun part begins... BABY DANCING!... lol

Please keep Thayer and I in your thoughts. We hope and pray that the Clomid works (i.e. that I ovulate normally) and that hopefully we will conceive a baby this month!

As If It Isn't Hard Enough....

As if going through fertility treatments isn't hard enough... I have to deal with a husband who only semi-understands what I'm going through. Maybe it is the Clomid talking... I really don't know. I'm pretty moody tonight... easily irritated... on edge... He just doesn't get it. He didn't have to work the day I had my Ultrasound done. I asked him to go with me and he refused. Granted, he had been very sick for most of the week, but I just wanted a little support from my husband. The ultrasound wasn't supposed to be anymore painful than getting a papsmear, but my body didn't cooperate and it hurt sooo flippin bad. I mean, I know he wouldn't have been there to hold my hand, but at least he could have comforted me when it was over. I just feel like I'm going through so much of this on my own. We just have such different ways of coping with things and I'm not sure he completely understands me yet. I know he wants kids, I know I want kids... and I'm failing at that. I'm the one failing, not him. I guess maybe that is the reason that it hits so much closer to home for me. I am the one having to go through all these procedures and take all these medicines while he gets to have sex. Doesn't really seem like a fair deal. Why do I have to be the one that is broken? I just wish he could understand things and see them from my perspective. I guess that is asking for a little to much though isn't it. Infertility can make a marriage stronger, and in some ways it has for us. It's just something that is difficult to go through especially where we have such different view points. He's almost like an outsider looking in whereas I have to live it each and every day.

"I'm doing this for the baby... I'm doing this for the baby."

Disclaimer: Some of the following blog may be TMI for you, so if you don't want to know, then don't read.

So yesterday I went in to the hospital to have my ultrasound done. As I suspected, it was what they call a pelvic ultrasound or transvaginal ultrasound. Basically I go in and I'm already in pain because it's "that" time brought on by the Provera. So I have this "wand" put places that are uncomfortable. Yeah... it wouldn't have been so bad... but my ovaries were in a "difficult position." It took the ultrasound tech forever and a half to get the pictures taken of what she needed. Basically it was so painful I was laying on the stretcher in the US room crying and asking why me why me what did I do wrong. All I could do was keep reminding myself why I was there, why I was going through all these difficult, painful procedures. I have a very high tolerance for pain... I mean I walked on a broken foot a couple of days after I broke it with only ibprophen. So if this was making me cry, you know it had to have been bad. I'm not looking forward to my next one on the 18th, but I am hoping it will be better because I won't be on my period. I'm so ready to be done with all of this... but I just can't give up. I can't. I have to wait for the doctor to call me with my results and tell me how many follicles I have in there for potential babies. I hope everything looked okay. I wish I could have known right then... I hate all this waiting that is involved in infertility treatment. It seems like my life is forever on hold. I just want a baby... is that so wrong? I hate going into the BX because of all the cribs sitting outside. It hurts to know I might never have one of those in my house.

I started my Clomid today, and so far so good. Nothing crazy is really going on, so I guess that's good.

How Many Eggs... One Egg... Two Egg...

So tomorrow I go in to have an ultrasound done. Today was CD1... for those who aren't on the up and up of infertility/fertility terms... that means Auntie came to visit me. I have an appointment for 9:15am tomorrow at the hospital to get it done. They hopefully will be able to tell me a little more about my eggs, how many potentials we are looking at. Then on CD3 I will start my Clomid. Fun times to be had, I'm sure. I go back in on the 18th and they will tell me how many "mature" eggs I have. Usually a person only releases one mature egg at a time... with the Clomid there is a good potential that I will produce more. After the Clomid is done, it is baby making time. Woo Woo!

And Life Goes On...

So the holidays are over (THANK GOODNESS)! Now it is time for back to work, back to school... back to life. (Oh yeah... and back to stress!) I'm just in the mood to talk about random shit.... so here goes.

Does it ever annoy you when you tell someone something and they don't believe you and have to go out of their way to TRY to prove you wrong? Oh... and then do you feel happy when you finally get to say, "naa na na na told you so?" Did you know that generally speaking biology works the same in nearly all people? Yeah big shocker there. I just get so frustrated with people that don't want to hear the truth as well... Either they don't want to hear it or refuse to believe it. Ok those are my rants for the night.

On another note... last night was my last dose of Provera so AF should be making an appearance soon... then it's on to ultrasounds, Clomid, Ultrasound, Sex, Ovulation, Sex, Sex, Sex, 2 Week Wait, Peeing on a Stick.... all of this will be followed shortly by another party with Aunt Flo or a party with my husband. *sigh* Isn't infertility grand? Just think of all the money I could have saved on birth control during my slutty college years.

Catch A Falling Star and Put It In Your Pocket!

So Thayer and I had a date night tonight and guess what?!? On the way back to base just past Ruthville I looked up out the front glass of the car and saw a shooting star. It has literally been YEARS since I've seen one. I wished on it and wished on it HARD! Could a shooting star on the first day of the new year be a good sign? One can only hope!

1-1-11

So today is/was the first day of the new year. Hello 2011. So... as with many years in the past I do a year-end review of the previous year. Thus a summary of my 2010 follows.

January - I began going to school at UND and working on my Master's Degree in Learning Disabilities. I also turned 25 years old. I went home for a visit that was cut very short. I quit working at The Workshop.

February - Not much significant happened. I think we went out for dinner on Valentine's Day or something of that nature. Oh... I almost forgot. I picked up Kaia and she became a member of our family.

March - Thayer turned 24. My mom also celebrated her birthday.

April - Can't think of anything big.

May - Myst turned 6. She also had to have knee surgery to fix her torn ACL.

June - Probably peed on something and hoped I was pregnant and I think I met my buddy Martha in June.

July - Went home again for a visit with both of the dogs. Got to see my college buddies for the first time in over a year. Went to Kimani's birthday party. Took 9 credit hours of Graduate classes and nearly killed myself with homework. My parents celebrated being married 26 years.

August - Hmmm made some more new friends in North Dakota... and probably peed on some more things and hoped I was pregnant.

September - Can't remember anything....

October - Thayer and I celebrated our 2 year anniversary by going to Bismarck and staying the night in a hotel. We went to the Pumpkin Patch the next day. Got some testing done for infertility.

November - Kaia turned a year old. Got some more testing done for infertility.

December - I started working at the CDC on base. Skyped with the family for Christmas. I finally got a prescription for Clomid and will start it in January!


So... all in all... in comparison to other years, 2010 wasn't that bad. I've certainly had worse years, but it could have been better. In 2011, I hope that Thayer and I will finally be able to start a family with the help of Clomid. I hope that I will have a healthy pregnancy when I do get pregnant and we will have a wonderful bundle of joy to celebrate with for next Christmas. I hope that 2011 treats me well!