On Another Note...

Today marks three months since I lost our baby. I didn't even realize it until just a few minutes ago. I don't know if that's good or bad. I'm not sure if I should feel guilty that I forgot or happy that the pain is a little bit less. I still think about Baby Hope everyday. I know when all the milestones of my pregnancy would be. The other day I would have been 20 weeks. I would know if we were having a boy or girl... there's just so much that I miss. I miss the glow and utter joy I had while I was pregnant. I miss that feeling. I miss not feeling like a failure because that's how I feel now. Now, even more so than before the pregnancy, I feel like a failure. So... to Baby Hope... mommy and daddy miss you more than most people could ever know. <3 You will forever be in our hearts and I know forever on mommy's mind.



Today is also a happy day. I leave a week from this Friday... so in 9 days, to go home to Kansas for my first visit in a year. I'm so excited to see everyone. Though it hurts that some plans have had to change. There won't be a baby shower this visit like was planned. I will get to spend 2 weeks down there. I'm flying this time so Thayer will be in charge of the dogs... kinda scary that I'm trusting him with my baby girl. He better not blow it! There are also a few things I'm dreading, but more on that later. SO EXCITED TO GET OUT OF MINOT, NORTH DAKOTA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

To Pee or Not to Pee....?

I did really good this month. I didn't pee on a single ovulation test... which is kinda of a double edge sword. I don't know when or if I ovulated, but I do know based on my last period I am now officially late. My last period was 29 days ago. It's not that unusual for me to be late a couple of days... even a week or longer. I also usually ovulate a little later, thus making the day I can test later than usual. I don't typically have a 28 day cycle. I'm trying not to get my hopes up. I really just want to pee on something but I'm trying to refrain from doing that. My temp is slightly elevated (about .5 degrees). It was that way when I was prego last time. I don't know what to think or feel at this point. It seems almost pointless to hope. I'm scared to hope even. So... to pee or not to pee on a stick... that is the question?

Me.... Me... Me... Mememememememe

Do you ever get annoyed by those people who only ever want to talk about themselves? Those that are only concerned with themselves and what is going on in their life? The ones that never stop to consider the feelings of others?

Really... instead of asking "hey, how did your surgery consult go?" they start talking about themselves and bitching about mundane crap... or crap they know will hurt me.

There is a reason I do the things I do. I'm in self-preservation mode.
---If you've hurt me once, twice, three times, I'm done. I'm not going to continue to be hurt by you.
---If you lie to me, then we're done. I won't be your friend anymore. I don't need friends like that.

I'm sick of selfish people. I'm sick of giving giving giving only to have it shoved in my face. My breaking point will not be pretty, you can be assured of that, and if I keep getting pushed you can bet your sweet ass I will reach that point very soon.

Now that I have that off my chest, I will dispatch the knowledge I gained today at my surgery consult.

I have made the life changing choice to have weightloss surgery, as many of you already know. I am going to have a Lap-Band put in late this summer in hopes of semi-correcting my PCOS and making it easier to get pregnant among other things. I gained a lot of knowledge about what to expect in the coming few months. I already need to being my special pre-surgery diet which consists of 40-60g of protein a day and no more than 1500 calories. The 1500 calories thing will be cake because that's what I usually eat anyways. I will have to drink protein shakes for the protein intake. There was information about pre-op and post-op. I was given a whole binder of information. The place I am going for surgery is considered a "Center of Excellence" so that's good. I was supposed to go in for my psych eval (requirement of surgery) tomorrow, but because of the threatened flood, the appointment was cancelled.

On to another note. Minot is expected to hit record flood stage starting Thursday and into the weekend. The water will be several feet over what the dikes can contain. It is a horribly sad situation. 10-12 thousand people have been evacuated. Minot is centered around the river valley, all of which will be under several feet of water in the coming days. We're safe because we live up north on the AFB. I would much rather be out helping fill sand bags instead of going to work tomorrow for 6 hours, but I guess watching the children of the Airmen so they can help or evacuate is helping in some way. Any contribution helps at this point. I wish there was more that I could do. As of right now FEMA says they will provide NO assistance to Minot and it's residents. That's just effed up in my opinion.

Daddy Day

So, today was Father's Day. I spent most of the day sleeping and sick. Yay for sinus infections! It wasn't as hard as I thought it would be because being sick, I almost forgot. Thayer had to work this morning. I also lit a candle for our angel baby. I hope he/she knows how much we love her and miss her. It's been almost 3 months since the miscarriage. Some days are still better than others. It's getting better... slowly but surely... I think. I'm not sure I'll ever be the same. Everyday is a new day I suppose.

Tomorrow night Thayer and I leave to go to Bismarck. I have an appointment with the surgeon early Tuesday morning. Then I have my psych eval Wednesday. Once that is done the paperwork will be submitted to Tricare for approval. Not sure how things will go Tuesday. We will set a preliminary date for surgery.

Tee-Gee-Eye-Eff

Thank GOD it's FRIDAY!

It has been a LONG week. The last 5 days have seemed like they've lasted a month. I don't really know why. Just going through some personal issues I think. I'm pooped today! This week my schedule changed from 9a-6p to 6:30a-3:30p. I'm not really a morning person so the switch has been a little rough. Other than that, Father's Day is this weekend, which is a downer. There have also been more than a couple of pregnancy announcements, people bitching about being pregnant, and people having babies.

Right now I would be 19 weeks along and getting ready to find out what we were having... but instead I have an empty uterus and consequently I will have empty arms. Grrr this sucks so hard. I don't know why this one of the hardest losses I've had, but it is. Some days I'm better and some days it's like it happened yesterday. It's an up and down emotional rollar coaster and there are constant reminders everyday that I'm not going to be a mother this year. Part of me really wants to try one more time... ONE more time... ONE more chance before I have surgery. I'm not sure when my surgery will be exactly, probably August or the beginning of September. I know we won't be able to try in July because I will be gone when I'm supposed to ovulate... but what about August. Will I have time for one last ditch effort? Should I even try one last time before I go in for surgery? I do have one more refill of Clomid... I just don't know anymore. I really need someone to point me in the right direction.

Tuesday is my first appointment with the surgeon... we'll start looking at dates and other things. He will submit my information to Tricare for approval for surgery. After that we wait for approval. Once the I'm approved a pre-op appointment will be made and my surgery date will be set. I guess we'll see what happens and I'll go from there. Tricare usually takes 2-6 weeks to approve someone for the surgery.

Glory Baby

I stumbled across this song yesterday while looking at some miscarriage/pregnancy loss support sites. It says so much of what is in my heart. I miss my baby everyday, but I'm glad to know she's in Heaven with all my loved ones watching over her until I can be up there and hold her myself. My grandma and grandpa have two great-grandbabies to look after, mine and my cousin's girlfriend's. I bet they have their hands full! By now I would be feeling her move and it would be close to time for us to find out if we were going to have a boy or a girl. I guess that will be a surprise for me once I make my way out of this life. I'm sure, either way, I have a beautiful baby waiting up in heaven for me and I know that my baby knows and can see just how much I loved her. I'm a special kind of momma now, I'm the momma of a beautiful angel. She gets to hear the angels sing and she's happy all the time. God, I miss her.

Father's Day is coming up and it's almost harder than Mother's Day. I feel so guilty. I know there was nothing I could do... but I just feel like it's all my fault that Thayer can't call himself a dad this year. If it weren't for my broken body he would be a dad. If it weren't for me he wouldn't have to go through this infertility hell. He could be happy with a wife and kids, but instead he's stuck with broken me. I feel so horrible. I hate feeling like I'm letting him down and my parents down... and his parents down. God, I hate feeling this way! I hate that I cry. I hate that I feel incomplete. Thayer knew from the beginning that we might not be able to have children of our own. I was upfront and honest with him and he chose to be with me anyway. He chose me, but what if he regrets that? What if he decides he doesn't want me anymore? What if just me isn't enough for him? What if he decides he's sick of all the treatments and mood swings and leaves? I hate living my life by "What Ifs" and "What Might Bes."

Now I'm unsure of everything. I'm unsure about the surgery, I'm unsure about fertility treatments. I'm just so scared and unsure! Part of me wants to try one more time. I have one more refill of Clomid... part of me wants to take it, without ultrasounds, and see if I can get pregnant again. Part of me is scared to do that. Part of me doesn't want to have the surgery and just keep trying for a healthy pregnancy and baby. I just don't know what to do. I know no one can answer any of this for me. I know no one can really help me decide.

I hate feeling so alone. Even when Thayer's around and I cry about the baby I feel alone. Part of him understands, but there is a bigger part that just doesn't get it. He doesn't understand the guilt. He told me last night that I need to quit beating myself up about it. That I needed to quit telling him I'm sorry. But how can I? I feel like I failed. I wish there were some way to make the pain go away. Some magical spell to not make me feel ever again. Not feeling anything would almost be better than this unrelenting sense of loss, guilt, and overwhelming sadness. I wonder "Why me? Why my baby?" No one can answer that. I have no answers, I have no closure. My baby died and all I could do was flush her down the toilet. It's been 2 and a half months and sometimes it feels like just yesterday. I just want to feel better....

Post 120

This is my 120th blog... That's a lot of writing over the last year....

What will ensue in this blog is a bunch of randomness about things that have been going on lately. A hodge-podge of the life of Mary.

So this week I had some lovely in-law drama. Sometimes I wish when you got married you didn't have to inherit his family. In the past I've really only had a problem with my father-in-law because he's a... piece of work. He disowned Thayer and hasn't talked to him since we got married because he "married a fat girl." Yeah... he's a really great guy huh? Nevermind I have a BS and almost a MSEd.... Nevermind the fact that his son is happy and in love. Anyways... on to the other drama. We got a call last weekend that my mother and sister in law were in the states. Thayer's whole family lives in Guam where his mom retired after getting out of the Navy. We had no warning, no nothing because his mom was pissed at him because he didn't call her on Mother's Day. Granted, she didn't know about all the things that were going on around that time, (i.e. the miscarriage, crazy work schedules, etc.). She also likes to forget that there is like a 13 hour time difference and that if we want to call them we have to stay up until like 2-3am to reach them after they get off work. We both have jobs, so staying up that late really doesn't happen. Anyways, she basically said that Thayer had to fly out to West Virginia to see her and his sister. This wouldn't be so bad except 1. we've been planning on going to Kansas to see my family since January during the month of July. Thayer was going to go but he found out this week that he can't because he can't get leave because they have inspection in July. The other hang up is we'd have to buy a plane ticket. I mean, we have the money in savings, but it would have been nice to have some notice or warning instead of us having to take money out of savings. Anyways, on Monday or Tuesday Thayer called his mom and "smoothed things over." He told her about the fertility treatments, the miscarriage, the stress of work, etc. and now she's changing her plane ticket to come up here and see us. I'm glad she had a change of heart... but wow... I'm so glad that most of my family isn't like Thayer's. Only one of my family members that I can think of is so petty and vindictive as to try and screw a loved one over, over something so stupid. lol, not naming names though!  So, I guess my mother and sister in law will be up here toward the end of June... yay....

Not a whole lot else has been going on. I've just been thinking a lot about my trip home and who I want to take time to visit. Two weeks isn't a whole lot of time, but I have to find time to squeeze everyone in.

The last few days have been kind of rough as well. Father's Day is coming up and I feel so bad that I lost the baby and Thayer can't celebrate. I feel so guilty that I'm denying him the ability to be a father because of my fertility issues. I've cried a few times and he's held me and tried to make me feel better.... but there is just so much guilt and sadness.

Infertility Etiquette

So... I know many people that are friends or "friends" with me and other infertile women who really say some stupid things. That being said... here is a brief lesson in Infertility Ettiquette. You can read more about Infertility Etiquette at http://www.resolve.org/support-and-services/for-family--friends/infertility-etiquette.html

Approximately 1 in 8 couples deal with infertility... so more than likely, even if you don't know it, someone you know and love is battling infertility. What makes infertility so difficult, empty arms aside, is the fact that every month the couple must mourn the loss of a child they may never know. This grief is recurrent which is different than the grief of losing a loved one. Those going through infertility need support, not criticism.

That being said, here are some dos and don'ts for supporting those with infertility with a blurb from me at the end of the list!

- Don't tell them to relax - By definition, a couple is not diagnosed as "infertile" until they have tried unsuccessfully to become pregnant for a full year. This year weeds out the people who aren't infertile but just need to "relax." Those that remain are truly infertile.

- Don't minimize the problem - Failure to conceive a baby is a very painful journey. Infertile couples are surrounded by families with children. Comments like, "Just enjoy being able to sleep late . . . .travel . . etc.," do not offer comfort. Instead, these comments make infertile people feel like you are minimizing their pain. You wouldn't tell somebody whose parent just died to be thankful that he no longer has to buy Father's Day or Mother's Day cards.

- Don't say there are worse things that could happen - Different people react to different life experiences in different ways. To someone who has trained his whole life for the Olympics, the "worst" thing might be experiencing an injury the week before the event. And, to a woman whose sole goal in life has been to love and nurture a child, infertility may indeed be the "worst" thing that could happen. People wouldn't dream of telling someone whose parent just died, "It could be worse: both of your parents could be dead." Such a comment would be considered cruel rather than comforting. In the same vein, don't tell your friend that she could be going through worse things than infertility.

- Don't Say They Aren't Meant to Be Parents - One of the cruelest things anyone ever said to me is, "Maybe God doesn't intend for you to be a mother." How incredibly insensitive to imply that I would be such a bad mother that God felt the need to divinely sterilize me. If God were in the business of divinely sterilizing women, don't you think he would prevent the pregnancies that end in abortions? Or wouldn't he sterilize the women who wind up neglecting and abusing their children? Even if you aren't religious, the "maybe it's not meant to be" comments are not comforting. Infertility is a medical condition, not a punishment from God or Mother Nature.


- Don't Ask Why They Aren't Trying IVF - People frequently ask, "Why don't you just try IVF?" in the same casual tone they would use to ask, "Why don't you try shopping at another store?"

- Don't Be Crude - Don't make crude jokes about your friend's vulnerable position. Crude comments like "I'll donate the sperm" or "Make sure the doctor uses your sperm for the insemination" are not funny, and they only irritate your friends.

- Don't Complain About Your Pregnancy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! - Just being around you is painful for your infertile friends. Seeing your belly grow is a constant reminder of what your infertile friend cannot have. The number one rule is DON'T COMPLAIN ABOUT YOUR PREGNANCY. I understand from my friends that, when you are pregnant, your hormones are going crazy and you experience a lot of discomfort, such as queasiness, stretch marks, and fatigue. You have every right to vent about the discomforts to any one else in your life, but don't put your infertile friend in the position of comforting you. Your infertile friend would give anything to experience the discomforts you are enduring because those discomforts come from a baby growing inside of you. When I heard a pregnant woman complain about morning sickness, I would think, "I'd gladly throw up for nine straight months if it meant I could have a baby." When a pregnant woman would complain about her weight gain, I would think, "I would cut off my arm if I could be in your shoes." Stay sensitive to your infertile friend's emotions, and give her the leeway that she needs to be happy for you while she cries for herself. The fact that she is willing to endure such pain in order to celebrate your new baby with you speaks volumes about how much your friendship means to her.


- Don't Treat Them Like They Are Ignorant - For some reason, some people seem to think that infertility causes a person to become unrealistic about the responsibilities of parenthood. The length of time you spend waiting for that baby does not factor in to your appreciation of responsibility. If anything, people who have been trying to become pregnant longer have had more time to think about those responsibilities. They have also probably been around lots of babies as their friends started their families. Perhaps part of what fuels this perception is that infertile couples have a longer time to "dream" about what being a parent will be like.

- Don't Gossip About Your Friend's Condition - Infertility treatments are very private and embarrassing, which is why many couples choose to undergo these treatments in secret. Regardless of why you are sharing this information with someone else, it hurts and embarrasses your friend to find out that Madge the bank teller knows what your husband's sperm count is and when your next period is expected. Infertility is something that should be kept as private as your friend wants to keep it. Respect your friend's privacy, and don't share any information that your friend hasn't authorized.
 
- Don't Push Adoption (Yet) - Adoption is a wonderful way for infertile people to become parents. However, the couple needs to work through many issues before they will be ready to make an adoption decision. Before they can make the decision to love a "stranger's baby," they must first grieve the loss of that baby with Daddy's eyes and Mommy's nose. You do, indeed, need to grieve this loss before you are ready to start the adoption process. The adoption process is very long and expensive, and it is not an easy road. So, the couple needs to be very sure that they can let go of the hope of a biological child and that they can love an adopted baby. This takes time, and some couples are never able to reach this point.
 
- Let Them Know That You Care - The best thing you can do is let your infertile friends know that you care. Send them cards. Let them cry on your shoulder. If they are religious, let them know you are praying for them. Offer the same support you would offer a friend who has lost a loved one. Just knowing they can count on you to be there for them lightens the load and lets them know that they aren't going through this alone.
 
- Remember Them on Mother's Day - With all of the activity on Mother's Day, people tend to forget about women who cannot become mothers. Mother's Day is an incredibly painful time for infertile women. You cannot get away from it-There are ads on the TV, posters at the stores, church sermons devoted to celebrating motherhood, and all of the plans for celebrating with your own mother and mother-in-law. Remember your infertile friends on Mother's Day, and send them a card to let them know you are thinking of them. They will appreciate knowing that you haven't "forgotten" them.
 
- Support Their Decision to Stop Treatments - No couple can endure infertility treatments forever. At some point, they will stop. This is an agonizing decision to make, and it involves even more grief. Even if the couple chooses to adopt a baby, they must still first grieve the loss of that baby who would have had mommy's nose and daddy's eyes. Once the couple has made the decision to stop treatments, support their decision.




Certain ones of these hit closer to home for me. I have other things I could ad to the list as well. Having gone through infertility and pregnancy loss... it's not an easy road and it's a road that most people can't even begin to understand. Sometimes people mean well by what they are saying, but boy, do their words sting. Some people can't stand beside you and be your friend through the hard times, and that's hard to deal with too. Infertiles aren't always fun to be around. I'm not going to lie. I've always dealt with depression since I was a teenager, and infertility certainly didn't help matters. Then losing the baby, that was a huge whammy. I hate being told do this or do that and you'll get pregnant. Really, no amount of "insert activity" is going to make me ovulate short of popping a few pills of Clomid. Without an egg you can't get pregnant. I'm sure people just don't understand what infertility entails. I guess that's one of the reasons I started my blog. I wanted to spread the word... I wanted to help people if I could... and I wanted a way to work through my own thoughts and grief. Lately, I've been having a hard time. Two of my friends are now pregnant with their second child... and they both started trying to get pregnant with their first AFTER Thayer and I started trying. That's a tough pill to swallow. Sometimes I think about what it would be like to be a normal person... if I would have conceived within 6ish months of us trying like most couples, I would have an 18 month old. Or if I hadn't lost the baby I would be about 4 months pregnant now. My mind lives in "what ifs" and "might have beens." I can't help but think about how different my life would be if I hadn't traveled down this bumpy road of infertility. I can't help but think about how different my marriage would be if we didn't have to go through these treatments or exprience the loss of our baby. Things have been hard between Thayer and I since I lost the baby. Most of the time I feel abandoned by my friends. *sigh*  I guess I'm done with my novel of a blog... More writing tomorrow. 

<3 Mary

Bumpy Road

This last week has been pretty bump. I've been especially moody and so has Thayer. Two moody people make for an unhappy household. Hopefully things get better soon. I've had it up to my ears with everything. I know part of my moodiness is from being on and just getting off of my period. There were other things that just made this week hard. It just seems that everywhere I look there is a reminder that I'm not pregnant, that I'm not going to be a mom. Facebook announcements... people who started trying after me who got pregnant and had a baby and are now announcing their second pregnancy... while I'm still waiting on baby #1.

I hate how bitter and angry I am at God. I believe in God. I'm an Agnostic Theist. I believe in a higher power. Right now I just believe that He, whoever He is, is cruel and heartless. He's unfair and unjust. He's and Indian giver (I knowm not politically correct). He lets good people, genuinely great people suffer while people who are horrid get everthing their little heart desires. He doesn't give things to those that deserve it, but instead rewards those who don't. I know all that I've just said will probably make some people angry. Heck, it might even make some people not want to be my friend anymore. So be it. I thought I believed in Karma, you know... that you reap what you sew. I'm not so sure anymore. I've been doing lots of good things with my life. I always have. I volunteer. I help people out.... but where is any of it coming back to me? What have I done in my life so horrible as to deserve this punishment of infertility?

To top it off, other things in my life have become complicated and just weird. I'm so ready for my vacation and to get away from Minot for at least a little while. I need a break from everything, and honestly it can't come fast enough.

On a better note, the clinic on base got my records sent down to the surgeon. I go for my first consult on June 21st. I hope that Thayer will be able to go with me. On the 22nd I go in for my Psych eval that they make everyone have prior to surgery. The first consultation with the surgeon will be pretty basic. After they get that information and the info from the consultation they will submit it to Tricare and wait for approval. We will also discuss potential surgery dates because they will have a pretty good idea how long it will take Tricare to approve me for the surgery.