I'm Not Responsible

After Saturday I am not responsible for the things I may say or do. Yesterday was CD1 so at bedtime on Saturday I will begin the evil pills (aka, Clomid). I'm dreading it and I know Thayer is too. I'm mostly dreading the side effects. That's why I'm going to take it at night. It's going to be rough going to my internship not feeling 100%. The last time my side effects included nausea, vomiting, hot flashes, and terrible mood swings. Maybe they will be better on a lower dose. I will definitely let you know how things are going. I just hope that I only have to do one month of Clomid. I'm ready to just move on to the next stage. It's my turn to be pregnant already!

One.. Two.. Thirty-Eight Strikes You're Out...

Yep, cycle 38 is a bust, or at least I'm 99% sure. About 20 minutes after my last blog where I was very hopeful I went to the bathroom and guess what I found on the TP? I was spotting a little brown. There still isn't a lot of spotting. It isn't even enough to require a liner. It's just there when I tinkle and wipe.

FML. I'm so sick of this rollar coaster crap. I'm doing everything right. DAMNIT if a 15 year old can "accidently" get pregnant why the hell can't a 27 year old woman with a Master's degree accomplish it? Life is so unimaginably unfair. I take good care of myself. I eat good because I have to. I take all my vitamins so I don't get sick. I'm doing it RIGHT. Why is it always the people who do things wrong that get rewarded? A crackwhore that's a mother... really? How is that remotely fair or "just?" It's not. Simple as that. I know... I know... no one ever said life was fair, but this is getting damn ridiculous.

So I guessing come Thursday or Friday I will have my first full day of "flow" so it will count as CD1. Then the plan begins. Clomid 5-9 with my extra B6 and Iron along with my prenatal and Women's One-a-Day. (Yes, 2 multi-vitamins because I require 200% of all vitamins because of the malabsorbtion.) Hopefully B6 on it's own instead of in a B-Complex will help with my luteal phase and the iron will help my lining because I think I was borderline anemic before I started taking it. Technically today is CD29 and I'm 11dpo. Blah.

Blue Moon Baby Maybe?

So Friday I am going to take my pregnancy test (if AF doesn't show before then). Friday also happens to be a blue moon. For those who don't know, a blue moon is the occurance of a second full moon twice in one month. This is where the saying "once in a blue moon" comes from. During the 20th Century there were only 40 instances of a blue moon so you can see how rare they are. A blue moon happens only about once every 2.5 years.

Today I just kept thinking about how interesting it might be to find out I'm pregnant on a blue moon. Does testing on a blue moon mean something special? Is there some "hidden" message in me possibly getting pregnant this month? I did some research and found that blue moons can be a source of good luck. This is what I found, "The blue moon is not only a metaphor for something that occurs rarely, but it also has a history of portending luck, though without the pleasant and easy bifurcation between that of good and bad varieties. Superstition only has that the occurrence of a blue moon is the perfect time to plant the seeds of long-term goals that will blossom in the sun of a future day."

Hmmm... long term goal.. I would say having a baby is a pretty long term goal, and it will eventually blossom on a future day. Maybe I'm reading to much into this. Maybe it isn't a "sign" at all. I guess we shall see in a few days. Either way, AF starts or I test and I'm pregnant. If I am pregnant I know I'll spend the next several weeks being petrified that I will lose this baby too. Maybe the blue moon will be a good luck charm for that?

I just want some luck. I want something to finally go my way. I want this SO bad. I've waited for what seems like forever. I'm ready. I've been ready.

I also found it ironic that if we are pregnant this month our due date will be exactly 1 1/2 years after our due date with Baby Hope. Coincidence?

The Plan

Today is 9dpo. I plan on testing on Friday to see if this cycle was successful if AF doesn't show up before then. My period is technically supposed to arrive on Thursday. Things have been a little off the last few months with my luteal phase so I'm really not sure if I will make it that long if I'm not pregnant. Last month I started spotting at 10dpo. I really just want my cycles to normalize and I hope that taking all of these vitamins will make a difference and make my cycles better. If this cycle is a bust (which is what I would put money on) then we will start a new cycle.

On CD5-9 I will take 50mg of Clomid. Thayer is really dreading the Clomid. The last few times I was on it I was a complete dragon lady. I'm hoping that it will be better this time because I'm on a lower dosage. I will continue taking all of my vitamins, etc to try to make sure we have the best opportunity to conceive. In addition to my prenatal, I'm also taking a B-Complex to help with my luteal phase and Iron to help with my uterine lining. We will also continue using Softcups to help keep the spermies up where they need to go. I actually kind of really like the Softcups because it makes after baby dancing clean up a lot easier an less messy.

When Hope Dwindles

Every month (and by month I mean cycle) I begin with a feeling of hope. Some months my "hope" is greater than other months, but it is always there. Then the days of the month slowly progress. We do our baby dancing at the prescribed times. I ovulate on schedule. My temp confirms ovulation along with the OPKs. These things add to my hope. I'm excited about the notion of this possibly FINALLY being my month. The days keep passing and as the days past ovulation add up my amount of hope slowly decreases. I start preparing myself for disappointment. I start reminding myself that the "symptoms" I'm feeling are just from my progesterone spike. I try to get through the day without thinking about it. Today I am 8dpo. At least this month is going better. I haven't started spotting yet like I did last month at 8dpo. I'm almost scared to be hopeful. Anymore it seems hope if futile. I'm just counting down the days until another cycle begins. I wish I could put on a happy face all the time and that everything could be okay... but it's not. I'm done lying or pretending. Last night Thayer and I went to dinner (had a buy one get one free coupon for Ruby Tuesday's) and I said fuck it and had a drink. I used to never drink during the 2ww. At this point I don't think it's going to change anything. In my eyes there is little hope that I'm pregnant so why should I bother doing without when it is something I really want. I had a bad day and I wanted at martini. Giving certain things up in the past didn't help get me pregnant so why would it make a difference now?

Biology Bites!

The dreaded 2 week wait has begun. I hate how long it takes biology to get its act together so you can find out whether you're pregnant or not. These are always the longest and most frustrating days of the month. They always seem to drag along. I'm hoping that now that I'm going to be super busy with my internship and school that I won't think about it or stress about it as much. At this point there isn't really anything I can do. I've ovulated. We've had sex at the right time. It's really just a waiting game, which is sucks. I hate that I've played this waiting game countless times in the past. I really hope that these days fly by. I have 12 more days until I can test if my periods doesn't show up before then. I won't get my hopes up to much based on symptoms because so many of them are the same as pre-menstral. Of course I tell myself this now, but here in a little over a week I'll me exagerating every cramp, etc. Ok... come on time... FLY BY!

T-Minus...

CD 18... Ovulated today. T-minus 14 days until we might have liftoff (aka. I can pee on a stick and see if I'm pregnant). This was an unmedicated cycle so we shall see. We did plenty of BD so *fingers crossed* that we get a BFP. I'm not holding my breath, and I certainly wouldn't place any money on seeing a positive pregnancy test in 2 weeks, but eh.. I guess I can hope a little. Our next cycle will be medicated so there's always that in the future if this cycle is a bust. I had some mighty bad ovulation pains this cycle. My temp is up and my progesterone has started to rise. I know this because my "girls" are really sore. So.. the countdown has begun. I'm tempted to look and see what my due date might be if we get pregnant this cycle, but then again that seems like such a naive move to make. Something a beginner in the world of TTC would do. I'm no stranger to let down, so....

Lovin' It!

So I had a great visit at the OB/GYN today! I love my doctor. He really listened to everything I had to say and put all the concerns I have to rest. It was such a great visit, especially compared to the bull I dealt with up in Minot. Because of the weight loss, he thinks that I will be fertile all on my own. He did agree to put me on fertility medications (Clomid) for 3-6 months to just help things move along faster.

He told me that the reasons my periods are so much lighter now is because of the weightloss but it's not really a concern. The reason it isn't that big of a deal is because fat produces estrogen which causes the uterine lining to build up much thicker, now that I've lost so much fat I don't have as much estrogen production to cause the lining to be overly thick like it was before. Also, the reduced estrogen production is what is really helping with my PCOS. He's not worried about my progesterone dropping and causing miscarriage again because of how much more healthy I am now. He also thinks my luteal phase is still long enough to enable me to get pregnant.

So, with all of that, next month I will start one Clomid again. I'm should be ovulating any day now, so it is too late for this cycle. I will be on it for CD5-9 which is different than when I was on it before. Last time I was on it for CD3-7. The main difference between CD3-7 and CD5-9 is follicles. On CD3-7 you produce more follicles but they will be less mature and on CD 5-9 you produce fewer (possibly only one like a "normal" person) but it will be much more mature. Also, this time I will be starting on 50mg. Last time I was on it I was started on 100mg. He is starting me out at a lower dose because he doesn't even think I will technically need the medication.

I can't even begin to explain how happy I am about finally getting quality healthcare. The medical care in North Dakota was a complete joke.

So, the doctor thinks we will have something to celebrate by Christmas time! Here's to hoping. Keep your fingers crossed for a little baby Olin on the way in the next few months!

Yay for Tomorrow

I now have two days of my internship under my belt. Both have been great days. The school is huge compared to what I'm used to. Everyone is very nice and welcoming. I've met a few of the kiddos I will be working with. Special Education works a little different at the beginning of the year. We're letting the kiddos get used to their new classroom before we start pulling them out for their "intervention" time. Some of the kids are going to be a handful for sure, but I have a good mentor teacher and the paras in the room both have a background in education. All in all, I really love the room. It is a little... weird that my mentor teacher is the same age as me. She's working on her Master's right now as well and has about a year left.

On to other news...

Tomorrow I have my appointment with the OB/GYN! Wish me luck! I really hope he listens to me and will let me do a few rounds of Femara. I'm not scared at all walking into this appointment. I'm looking forward to it and to get the ball rollling on fertility treatments again. At the same time, I know that I might be met with more disappointment. The treatments give me even more hope than I usually have and it makes getting my period that much more difficult. I am hoping my doctor is willing to listen to everything that I have to say. I've done my research. I know my stuff. Hopefully I won't have to go through too many other tests. I foresee bloodwork in my future.

I haven't ovultae this month yet. Today is CD 16. I took an OPK yesterday morning and this morning. Today's was darker than yesterdays. That's usually how my cycles go. The lines on the OPKs get progressively more dark until I finally get my positive. I will test again in the morning so I can be sure to let my doctor know the results. This month is my lazy ovary's month and I usually ovulate later (CD19ish). I wonder if the doctor will put me on progesterone from the beginning or wait until I actually get a BFP. Just so much to talk about, but I'm SOOO ready!

Bring on the Craziness

The husband and I have been back home visiting family and friends for the last weekish. It's been a good visit. It's so nice to be close enough to home that we can come home for a weekend  to see everyone. We wanted to get one last visit in before the craziness starts. Thayer begins his fall semester on the 20th. He's taking 15 credit hours, which is the most he's ever taken. I'm sure it will kick his ass because he's such a procrastinator and would rather play a video game than study or do his homework. He doesn't devote the time he should to his school work. I saw him doing that all summer with his summer classes.

Tuesday I also begin my internship for my final semester of Graduate school. I'm taking 6 credit hours of graduate credit. 2 hours for my internship, 2 hours for my scholarly project, and 2 hours for medical trends in Autism Spectrum disorders. It's going to be a lot because the intership is like having a full time job and the scholarly project is very extensive. I'm estimating my final paper for the project will be at a minimum 40 pages long.

Thursday is also my big day. I'm going to see the OB/GYN and hopefully get prescribed Femara. That's what I really want and that is what I'm going to push for. I've been taking my extra B vitamins and iron to hopefully help with my uterine lining and luteal phase. I'm hoping those will give me the results I want. I'm currently on CD14, but I probably won't ovulate for a couple more days. This cycle we are also trying something new called Softcups. These are little cups you can insert in your vagina instead of using a tampon. A lot of women have started using them while TTC because it will also help keep the semen and sperm up by your cervix instead of leaking slowly back out. It's worth a shot. I got 14 in a box for $5.48 at Walmart. If anything, I've heard it really helps with the messiness.

So next week all the craziness begins. It will probably continue up until the point I actually graduate in December. I'm not really how well my final semester in Grad school will mix with fertility drugs, but I'm tired of waiting. I've had to put off so many of my plans and dreams because I was a military wife and I'm simply not doing that anymore. BRING IT ON! lol I can handle it, even if it does make me a little crazy.

First Blog Award!! - Liebster Award

I have been nominated for my first Blog Award by A Country Girl Can. She's someone I've been communicating with for a while and we're friends on Facebook.

The Liebster award is given to upcoming bloggers who have less than 200 followers. The meaning: Liebster is German and means sweetest, kindest, nicest, dearest, beloved, lovely, kind, pleasant, valued, cute, endearing and welcome.

Rules for the award:

Each person must post eleven things about themselves.

Answer the eleven questions the tagger has set for you.

Come up with eleven other questions for the people that you are going to tag.

Choose eleven people (with less than 200 followers) and tag them in your post, no tagbacks.

Follow the tagger and visit at least three of the nominees.

11 Things about me

1. I married my husband less than three months after meeting him. We started dating at the end of July, got engaged at the beginning of September and then married October 16, 2008.

2. I have played in a blizzard where we got over 24 inches of snow in less than 36 hours. The drifts were over 6 foot tall.

3. Some of my favorite foods include steak, beef jerky, and fried potatoes.

4. I have little to no modesty left. After enduring many people looking up my girly parts, my philosophy is the more the merrier. I've had no fewer than 10 people looking up there in the last couple of years.

5. I loved living in the dorms when I was in college. That is one of the best experiences of my life. I made some amazing friends and it was so much fun.

6. Some of my favorite alcoholic beverages include Moscato wine, White Zinfandel wine, slippery nipple shots, and strawberry daiquiris.

7. I do not like cats. I am 110% a dog person. I appreciate the fact that my dogs use the bathroom outside instead of inside my house and I never doubt for a second that my dogs love me because they are always so jubilant when I walk through the door.

8. I like reading young adult novels. Some of my favorite books include the Harry Potter series, the Twilight series, and the Hunger Games series.

9. I don't like my father-in-law and never will. He disowned my husband because I was fat when we got married. Since then he has also disowned his daughter because she moved out and is trying to better her life. He isn't a very nice man.

10. I have met and dated more than one man I met on World of Warcraft. I have made lifelong friends through playing that game. Some of my best and most honest friends are the ones I've met online.

11. Even though I have lost 101lbs in less than a year, when I look in the mirror I still see the old, obese me. My mind cannot wrap itself around the weightloss. The only time I think I look slim is in pictures.

My 11 Questions "A Country Girl..."
1.) Why did you start a blog? Is it Family Friendly? Adult Content? or Just Because?!
I started my blog as a place to vent my emotions about struggling with infertility. It began as a diary of sorts. I then began reading other blogs by women/couples struggling with infertility and thought that what I was writing might be able to help others or educate others about infertility. It has since expanded to include information on pregnancy loss and weightloss surgery.

2.) Favorite Animal whether it be a pet you have now or any animal in the wild?
My favorite animal is my doggy Myst. Kaia, my husband's dog, is a close second.
3.) How long have you been blogging?
I have been blogging for just over 2 years. I used to blog some on myspace though back when it was "cool."

4.) If you could travel anywhere where would it be and why?
The two places I have always wanted to visit are Ireland and Japan. I want to visit Ireland because I think it is beautiful. While I'm there I would like to go to England as well to see the Globe Theater and some of the historic places from Shakespeare's time. Japan is on my list for the gaming aspect. I love technology and video games.

5.) Guilty pleasures we all have them what are yours? (Shopping,Food ect....)
My biggest guilty pleasure is video games. I love to play World of Warcraft. :)

6.) Desk Top or Laptop which do you prefer and why?
It depends on what I'm working on. I have both. I use my desktop for gaming, and my laptop for homework and just playing around.

7.) Siblings do you have them? If so, are you the oldest,youngest, middle child?
I have two older half-sisters and I'm the baby by a long shot. My middle sister, Kim, was killed in 2007.

8.) What are some of your FAVORITE bloggers you follow?
The Broken Birds & Bees -- She blogs about infertility, her pregnancy loss and other things. She has PCOS just like me.

9.) Iphone or Android? Which do you prefer?
Android all the way. I hate Apple products. I refuse to pay 3 times as much for an equivalent product. I've also had bad luck with their products such as them crashing and me having to write papers completely over because the saves didn't take, etc.

10.) Hobby, do you have one besides blogging?
Between working full time and completing my Master's I haven't really had much time for hobbies in the last couple of years. I do still play WoW on occasion and I like watching TV. I also like to do Zumba for exercise.

11.) What was/is your dream job?
I'm happy to say I will be starting my dream job very soon. I'm finishing up my Master's in Special Education (graduate in December). Then I will be able to apply for jobs as a Special Education teacher.

My 11 Questions for my nominees

1. If you could vacation anywhere, where would you go?
2. If you had unlimited money for one day, what would you do?
3. If you could meet any celebrity dead or alive, who would it be and why?
4. You can only take 3 things with you to a deserted island, what would they be?
5. If you could only eat one thing for the rest of your life, what would it be?
6. What is your biggest fear and greatest wish?
7. What is one thing you would change about yourself if you could and why? If you wouldn't change anything, why?
8. Where do you see yourself 5 years from now?
9. If you could go back in time 10 years, what advice would you give yourself?
10. What was your favorite subject in school?
11. What is your biggest pet peeve?

My Nominees - I don't follow too many blogs that have under 200 followers...
The Broken Birds & Bees - Infertility, PCOS, pregnancy loss, currently doing IUI
This Space For Rent -- Infertility, pregnant through IVF
Always Kiss Me Goodnight - Infertility, pregnancy loss, currently pregnant naturally.
The Inadequate Conception

Femara vs. Clomid

So I think I'm going to change my fertility plan once again. I've been doing a LOT of research about different medications. I recently read a blog about the differences between Clomid and Femara -- There are 3 parts (Part 1, Part 2, Last Part). I definitely think Femara is going to be a better choice for me at this point so that is what I will be asking my doctor for. Both medication essentially do the same thing, but in a different way. The main reason Femara will be better for me is that it has a shorter half life than Clomid (half life = the amount of time it stays in your system). Because Clomid stays in your body's system for almost double the time that Femara does, it can affect your uterine lining and make it thinner because it blocks estrogen for longer. Femara leaves your system faster so it has little to no affect on the lining of the uterus. Lately I have been having trouble with my lining being too thin due to my mal-absorbtion issues from gastric bypass. I believe that Clomid would probably only complicate this pre-existing condition. It is something I will definitely discuss with my OB/GYN. Femara is more expensive out-of-pocket than Clomid, but as long as I get it filled before our insurance runs out in September I should be good to go. I'm just hoping my doctor will go for it. Some doctors won't prescribe Femara and make you see an RE for anything more than Clomid. I probably won't do monitored cycles, due to the insurance issues, but I know when I ovulate so it's really not that necessary as long as everything continues to go as it has been.

Old Emotions Emerging

Now that we are officially TTC again all my old emotions about infertility are really starting to come out again. It's been hitting me pretty hard the last couple of weeks. I have felt very overwhelmed with everything going on in my life. The rest of 2012 is going to be a very busy time for me, but I'm not putting off my dream any longer.

I wasn't so upset every month when I got my period when I was on BC and when we weren't really trying. It was a nice reprieve from all the stress of being infertile. Yes, I still had pangs of jealousy when people would announce their pregnancies or show of their new babies. Yes, being infertile still hurt, but it was different knowing we weren't even trying. Now all those old emotions are hitting me like a ton of bricks. All the old stress is back and NO I can't relax. There has just been this whole flood of emotions. I feel broken again because now something else is wrong with me. I feel like a failure again when another cycle passes with no positive results. Why me? Why can't this nightmare just be over? I just want to have a family and move on to the next stage of my life. After surgery I had so much hope that it was the answer, that things would be better afterward. Now I've had to come to the blinding conclusion that my life isn't that simply. Apparently, there will always be some loophole I have to jump through to obtain my dreams. I don't know what the next few months will bring. I would really love my doctor to put me back on Clomid, but I don't know if that will happen either. I hate feeling so out of control. That's one of the worst things about infertility, none of it is in your control. I feel so alone in this battle as well.

What Doesn't...

Kill You Makes You Stronger... whoever said that can kiss my ass. I'm tired of having to be strong all the time. I'm tired of being stressed and worried. I'm tired of everything in my life requiring so much effort... much more effort than it does in everyone else's. I just want to catch a break. Don't I deserve to catch a break? What have I done to deserve any of this? Seriously, when will things stop taking a giant crap on me?

I am beyond frustrated with the Department of Veteran Affairs. They keep leading Thayer around in this giant circle of him trying to get all of his GI Bill benefits. He's been in school since June, but we still haven't seen a dime of his housing allowance. If we didn't have a good amount of money in savings we would be living out on the streets with no food to eat. The way this country is treating its veterans is RIDICULOUS! I've watched the veteran's office at Missouri State fax in the paperwork they are now saying they never received. If they mess this up again, I'm going up to the Veteran's Center here in Springfield and ripping someone a new asshole. They now owe us almost $3000 in back housing allowance and we better get every dime of it in back pay.

It looks like I'm having to change up my fertility plan again. After this last cycle I could clearly see where my body was off. I started spotting 11 and 12dpo and then started on 13dpo. This is obviously a luteal issue. After doing some research and talking to a friend of mine, I decided to go on additional B vitamins. A deficiency in B-complex vitamins can cause a shortened luteal phase so hopefully boosting them up will correct the problem. Additionally, my period was once again very short and light. This could mean that I have an iron deficiency, so I added an iron pill to all of my supplements. Because of these changes I decided it would be best to hold off a month on beginning the Vitex and Red Clover herbs. One thing at a time. I want to see how the vitamins help. I am also going to see the OB/GYN on August 16th. I'm going to request that he do whatever bloodwork and prescribe me Clomid. I may be ovulating on my own, but who knows what the eggs and follicles are looking like. I know on Clomid in the past I have had really good luck with growing really mature follicles. I just want to give myself the best chance possible to conceive. I'm tired of waiting and beating around the bush. I was made to do that cycle after cycle up in Minot and I'm not going to do it anymore. I'm going to take 120% control over my fertility and future. I will get sassy and bossy. On a side note, Thayer says he would like to go to my appointment with me. I think it's great that he finally wants to be involved in this whole process.

I've also been dealing with depression again because of all the stress. I just feel completely overwhelmed. I'm worried about money and paying bills because of the military screwing us in the butt. I'm worried about my cycle being messed up. I'm scared that having surgery and losing all this weight just messed me up worse and made my chances of getting pregnant even worse than they were before. There are always about a million things running through my head at any given time. I've been having trouble sleeping for weeks now. I've tried resetting my schedule and it's just not working.