Hope's Birthday

November 11th, 2011... 11/11/11... that was the day my life was supposed to change forever. That was the day Thayer and I's first baby was due. That was the day that we were supposed to become parents. That never happened. Instead God needed another little angel. Baby Hope was too beautiful for this earth and grew wings much too early. My life was forever changed. From the moment I saw that positive pregnancy test I was a mother. It took me 2 years to see those 2 pink lines. I thought for sure in 9 months we would hold our miracle. God had a different plan. I never knew how much I could love until I knew there was a baby growing inside of me. I had a whole new perspective. I will never forget our first child. I know she is up in heaven looking down on her little brothers. One day, when the time is right, the boys will know about their older sister. When the time is right they will know about all the fertility issues and how much we wanted and loved them before they were ever born.

 

It's been over 2 years since we lost Baby Hope, but on days like today I still listen to songs that remind me of that time and I still shed a few tears. Yes, as time passes it gets easier. I do know that it took me a long time, majority of my pregnancy with the twins, to bond with them. I struggled with getting close to them and feeling attached because I thought for sure, at any moment they would be taken away from me as well. Even after they were born and in the NICU, I struggled with bonding with them. I was just so scared to let myself feel all that love again, only to lose possibly lose them.

Blue Moon Baby Maybe?

So Friday I am going to take my pregnancy test (if AF doesn't show before then). Friday also happens to be a blue moon. For those who don't know, a blue moon is the occurance of a second full moon twice in one month. This is where the saying "once in a blue moon" comes from. During the 20th Century there were only 40 instances of a blue moon so you can see how rare they are. A blue moon happens only about once every 2.5 years.

Today I just kept thinking about how interesting it might be to find out I'm pregnant on a blue moon. Does testing on a blue moon mean something special? Is there some "hidden" message in me possibly getting pregnant this month? I did some research and found that blue moons can be a source of good luck. This is what I found, "The blue moon is not only a metaphor for something that occurs rarely, but it also has a history of portending luck, though without the pleasant and easy bifurcation between that of good and bad varieties. Superstition only has that the occurrence of a blue moon is the perfect time to plant the seeds of long-term goals that will blossom in the sun of a future day."

Hmmm... long term goal.. I would say having a baby is a pretty long term goal, and it will eventually blossom on a future day. Maybe I'm reading to much into this. Maybe it isn't a "sign" at all. I guess we shall see in a few days. Either way, AF starts or I test and I'm pregnant. If I am pregnant I know I'll spend the next several weeks being petrified that I will lose this baby too. Maybe the blue moon will be a good luck charm for that?

I just want some luck. I want something to finally go my way. I want this SO bad. I've waited for what seems like forever. I'm ready. I've been ready.

I also found it ironic that if we are pregnant this month our due date will be exactly 1 1/2 years after our due date with Baby Hope. Coincidence?

Dreams Can be a Cruel Joke

Last night I had a dream. It was incredible... amazing... until I woke up and realized it wasn't true. I hate when you have wonderful dreams then have to wake up to reality and feel like a piece of you is missing.

In my dream I went into the bathroom and peed on a stick (pregnancy test for the non-infertiles). It was the digital kind. I looked away and looked back and it immediately said pregnant. Just like it happened last year when I really was pregnant. I was in shock. I didn't want to believe it this time. I was happy and scared all at once. I got out another test and took it again. It again came out positive. It was a dark positive. Still unbelieving, I took a third test. Again, this one was positive. I was elated, overjoyed, and petrified that this baby would die too. I called Thayer into the bathroom and all he could do was hug me, kiss me, and start to cry. Then I woke up.

What a cruel way to start Mother's Day weekend which is already the worst nightmare of an infertile/angel baby momma.

I woke up with such a heavy heart. I almost started to cry.