It's Hard Not To Give Up

So another cycle has come and gone and ended in failure. I was so positive. I was so upbeat. I was so optimistic. Now I'm just defeated. I thought that surely the Clomid would be that little boost we needed to get over the baby-making hump. I guess I shouldn't have assumed that for once my life might actually be made of rainbows and unicorns shitting butterflies.

I started spotting on Thursday and knew then that it was all over even though my temp hadn't dropped yet and my boobs still hurt like mad. Friday AF came in full force. My cramps were killer. Even after taking medicine they still woke me up in the middle of the night curled up in pain. Thayer warmed my rice heat pad up for me and laid and talked to me and held me during the worst of it. I was crying partly because of the pain and partly because it was another failed month. Another month that I was broken. It also means another month of trying, of timed intercourse, of a medicine that makes me feel ill. It's more and more of the same with absolutely nothing to show for it. It's so frustrating and heartbreaking and sad. Through my tears I told him I was sick of hurting every month and that maybe we should just give up. Maybe I should just go back on birth control and we should forget about trying to have a baby. He just looked me in the eyes and said, "We can't do that. We've already come too far to give up now." At the time, I was probably having a moment of weakness, but I would be lying if there aren't times when I think about giving up and throwing in the towel. At least if we weren't trying anymore and knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that there was no chance then I wouldn't have to endure the endless heartbreak any longer. I'm not sure where things will go in the next few months. We do have a lot to think about as far as school and careers.