Last Installment of Thankful!

Day 15 - I am thankful that I got to have the most amazing mentor teacher during my internship. We may have been the same age, but the experience was amazing. I learned a lot and I know they had a good experience in working with me as well.

Day 16 - Thankful it is Friday and I can spend all weekend in my PJs if I want to! I love relaxing weekends where I have nothing to do other than hang out at home.

Day 17- Today I am thankful for hot, relaxing showers and bubble baths.

Day 18 - Today I am thankful for my bed. Goodnight all.

Day 19 - I am thankful for the beautiful weather. 60 degrees and flip flops in November... heck yeah!

Day 20 - I am thankful my husband helped me clean the house before my parents get here.

Day 21 - I am thankful for my Crockpot!

Day 22 - I am thankful for being able to spend Thanksgiving with family for the first time in about 5 years.

Day 23 - I am thankful for Thanksgiving left overs and the International Wine Center!

Day 24 - I am thankful for my computer(s).

Day 25 - I am thankful for the wonderful, exciting news I got today!

Day 26 - I'm thankful for rainbows.

Day 27 - I'm thankful for turning in my last homework assignment EVER!

Day 28 - I am thankful for smartphones!

Day 29- I'm thankful for wonderful, supportive parents!

Day 30- I'm thankful for my amazing husband who is going to make a great dad one day, hopefully soon!

248 Days

Well little baby bug is still plugging away. I'm 4w4d along. I'm having more and more symptoms. My hpt got progressively darker, and I've finally quit peeing on things. I got official confirmation from Planned Parenthood that I am pregnant. I needed to turn in a note with confirmation that I am indeed pregnant for insurance purpose.

I'm pretty sure I'll be moving over to the new blog once we know for sure that this baby is going to stick. Until then I'll keep posting here.

Symptoms:

Gas, sore nipples, feeling like I have to poop all the time, weird cramping/stretching feeling, BAD leg aches, and very very tired.

Tiny Update

So the line is darker today, which is a good sign. I'm going for confirmation tomorrow at the clinic. I don't know when my first doctor appointment is. They have to wait for my insurance clearance before they can schedule the appointment. The clearance should be done sometime next week. Tomorrow will be 4w0d. Praying this little bug stays sticky.

In the nearish future I will probably be transitioning to a pregnancy blog. I would like to keep this one just for my infertility journey.

254 Days to Go....

So yesterday I was having a struggle with myself...test.. don't test... test... Well I did. It is very very early, but I would like to announce that Baby Bug is due August 6, 2013. Today is 12dpo, so I'm only about 3w5d pregnant so anything could happen. My second trimester is set to begin on my 28th birthday so I'm going to take this as a good sign.

Please keep me and my little bug in your prayer. I'm scared so much of a miscarriage at this point. I had a pretty good positive today. It wasn't super faint. I'm going to call my OB/GYN tomorrow. I've only told a handful of people. We are going to wait a little while longer before spilling the beans to the entire world, but I knew I couldn't keep my readers in suspense for forever! Send me some good juju!

The line is darker in person. The camera washed it out a little bit.

Testing... Testing... 11dpo

Today is 11dpo. I took a test yesterday (one of the $.88 Walmart First Signals ones) and got a BFN. No real surprise there. I'm thinking about testing tomorrow. I'm pretty torn. Today I've been super tired. I'm not sure if I'm getting sick. My backaches, but that could be from sleeping on an air mattress for 3 nights. My temp is still up. Today I was changing out the bedding and bumped a pillow against my boob and it was like being stabbed. I hate feeling so conflicted. I'm prepared for disappointment. That's pretty much all I've ever known on this TTC journey. I just want to have a holiday miracle. I want something to go my way, just this once.

Today Thayer and I broke the wishbone from our turkey from Thanksgiving. I think we were both wishing the same thing. I won. Maybe that's a sign. Also, if I am pregnant this time around my second trimester will begin on my birthday. What a great birthday present making it to the "safe zone" would be.

So now.. the question is... to test or not to test in the morning. I do have about 6 tests sitting in the drawer doing nothing. Either way AF is due Monday or maybe Tuesday if I really have managed to stretch my luteal phase out to 14 days instead of just 13.

I just want something good to happen. I deserve that right?

It Ran for Cover

In the world of infertility, hope is very fleeting. Some days it's there, some days it's gone. Today is a "it ran for cover" type of day. For some reason I'm just feeling really down. Maybe it's the fact that I'll have to spend another holiday season with empty arms. The holidays aren't that much fun when you don't have kids and you desperately want them. I feel as if I'm doomed to be an infertile failure for the rest of my life. No matter what I do, no matter what I try, no matter what medicine I take, nothing seems to be doing the trick. I know it's my fault. I'm the broken one. I'm the one that can't give my husband a child. I'm the one that can't make my parents grandparents again. I'm the one that can't make my sister an aunt. I'm the one whose body has betrayed her. I can't even do the most natural task of a woman. My hope has ran and hid and I don't even know where to look to even try to regain it.

Today I am 6dpo. I have another week to go until my period will arrive and I will know once again that I'm a disappointment. I've done everything right... but I'm being punished. Why?... WHY!?!

I haven't cried about infertility in a while, but here I sit thinking about my childless future and can't help but for alone and desperately sad. My heart aches and bleeds. My eyes cry.

I've tried to be optimistic. I've tried desperately to hold onto hope, but every month of 1 lined pregnancy tests depletes the "hope bank" a little more. I'm running on fumes at this point.

Double the Fun (pain)...?

So this month I think I ovulated from both sides. There's no real way to confirm it. I didn't take an OPKs this month. Not really sure why. I just didn't feel like peeing on anything for once... lol. I got ovulation pains on the left side on CD 17 an then had a .8 degree temp spike the following morning. This confirms ovulation. The ovulation pains were pretty intense. I ended up taking tylenol to try and bring it down a couple of notches because it felt like someone was stabbing me with and ice pick. Then on CD 18 I started having ovulation pains on the right side. It was the same stabbing feeling. I know it is possible to ovulate more than one egg. That's how we end up with fraternal twins. I suppose only time will tell. I guess that it is a good thing... at least the swimmers have two targets to shoot for. Now the waiting game begins. I'm 2dpo... 12 days to go. Please, please... for the love of cookies and candy... let me get pregnant this month. I could really use a miracle this Christmas.

Thankful for Things

Here is my second installment of things I'm thankful for in my life.

Day 8

I'm thankful for my awesome car. It gets great gas mileage which allows me to go see my family. We bought my car at the beginning of the year and I still absolutely love it. On this last trip it got 29mpg... which is better than 99% of all other vehicles in it's class. It drives and rides great. It has enough room for both of the dogs as well as kids when we finally add them to the mix.

 

Day 9
72 and sunny! Today I am thankful we escaped Minot! It has made a huge difference in my attitude and outlook on life. So happy right now! (Not that I don't miss my friends up there though). While I was enjoying some beautiful weather it was snowing and blowing up in Minot. The winters there and other aspects always seems to make my moods feel sullen and dreary for majority of the year. I always seemed to be in a funk that I just couldn't shake. Things have been a lot different since we moved. I'm generally a lot more happy. Thayer and I bicker less. I'm able to see my family as often as I want. There is a lot more to do if I choose to do it. I've gotten to see all my old friends and spend time with them. I'm so happy that we left Minot. This doesn't, however, mean that I don't miss the friends and 2nd family that I made up there. Hell, I've even seriously thought about visiting sometime in the future just to see them.

Day 10
Today I am thankful for awesome friends. Some I've had for over 2 decades and some are new. Some are close and some are half a country away. All of the are special in their own way and I love them. I know I always have someone to call when life gets me down.

 

Day 11

First, today I am thankful for all the men and women, past and present, who have served our country. I am forever in debt to you. This includes my grandpa Mallatt; my dad, and my husband. From my time as a miliary wife I saw first hand how much bullshit men and women in uniform put up with and just how much they sacrifice to make sure we're all safe.

 

Second, I am thankful that I got to know true and unconditionally love of being a mother. Today would have been Baby Hope's 1st birthday if she arrived on her due date. I love her to the moon and back and can't wait to hold her in my arms one glorious day.

Day 12
I was thankful that my bottle of wine was chilled when I got home. lol... not that I'm an alcoholic, but I do enjoy a good glass of Moscato after a rough day. I subbed in a middle school room and some of those kids.... geez.

Day 13
I am thankful that my stomach finally quit being upset. It was a long night. I apparently ate something I shouldn't have, and it sent my stomach reeling for about 3-4 hours.

Day 14

 

Today I'm thankful that I O'd :) Now the waiting begins. Maybe I'll get my Christmas wish this year! I ovulated yesterday (CD17). I confirmed this morning with temperature rise and ovulation pains yesterday. We timed everything pretty good this cycle too... so... here's to hoping I have good news in about 2 weeks.

Hodge Podge

This blog is going to be a hodge podge of a little bit of everything that has happened recently.

This last weekend I went home by myself for a weekend with the girls and a break from the husband. It was great! On Thursday I drove up and that evening I just hung out with my parents and nephew. Then on Friday I got up and went into town to shop with my mom. I bought some movies and we went to lunch at a Greek restaurant. The food was really tasty. Friday night was when a lot of the fun happened. I cut loose and forgot about everything in life. We went to see a male "revue" show put on by former Chippendale dancers called "Fifty Shades of Men"... think Magic Mike live. It was lot of fun! Then we went out dancing at a couple of clubs. By the end of the night I was barely walking straight, I was so drunk. At the club I had a couple of drinks bought for me and danced with a random guy. It helped my confidence a little. It's nice to know someone other than my husband finds me at least a little bit attractive. After drinking we went out to IHOP and more mayhem ensued. :) I was a night I won't forget for a LOOOONG time! Then Saturday I went out to dinner with a friend I've known since I was 3. Later, she and I went over to another friend from middle/high school's house to just hang out and talk about life and things. It was nice to just sit around and enjoy each other's company.

As most people in the states know, Sunday was Veteran's Day (though most people "celebrated" on Monday with a day off). I'm proud to say I'm the granddaughter, daughter, niece, and wife of a veteran. My dad's father served in the Pacific during WWII. My great-uncle died in the Korean War and I inherited his Purple Heart. My dad and husband both served in the US Air Force. I'm proud of them for serving their country. I learned first hand being a military wife that freedom really doesn't come free. There is a lot of sacrifice involved... so if you haven't, be sure to thank a veteran. They're the reason we're all here safe and sound living our lives each day.

Baby Hope's Birthday
11/11/12 wasn't just Veteran's Day... it also would have been Baby Hope's first birthday if she would have arrived on her due date. It seems so long ago, but sometimes the pain is still so fresh. I still miss her. I still love her. I wish she was here every single day! Life would be so much different. So here's to Baby Hope... with love, kisses, and hugs.

Yesterday and today I had my first dose of substitute teaching. It was for a 7th grade English class. I have no decided I don't think I could ever teach a regular classroom of middle school kids. I've worked in middle school special education before and that wasn't THAT bad. Some of the classes were amazing. They sat quietly and did their work, were respectful and kind... and then there were a few other that made me want to pull my hair out. They were just so talkative. Other than that, though, they weren't really that bad. I do have a few notes to myself, however, after this experience. 1. Wear heels... the kids will still be taller than me but the will be less taller than me. 2. Take my piercings out. For some reason they were all very fascinated by these. 3. Do not wear a push-up bra. -- Today there was a really awkward moment when one of the boys informed his group and half the classroom that I had big boobs. Yeah.... A-W-K-W-A-R-D!!!

It's the Little Things

This is my Be Thankful compilation number 1. If you have questions about the challenge please refer back to this blog. The Be Thankful Challenge.

Challenge Day 1

Today I am thankful the Clomid prescription that I refilled today. I am hopeful that this might be THE month. In the same line with the prescription, I am thankful that my body responds to the Clomid. There are so many woman who don't have the option to take Clomid or whose body doesn't respond to it. At least I'm lucky enough to have a body that responds to it.


Day 2

I am thankful I went through with my surgery and had the support I did. I am happier and healthier than I have ever been in my life. I am thankful I had no complications as well. I have no regrets whatsoever about having gastric bypass surgery. It has done nothing but change my life for the better. Sure, I have sacrificed things like soda, beer, fatty foods, and most sugary desserts, but I wouldn't change it for a second. I'm so much more healthy. It has also significantly improved my PCOS so that hopefully I will be on my way to motherhood soon!

Day 3

I am thankful my puppies. They have helped me get through some of my roughest moments. When I'm feeling down they are always there to give me love unconditionally. My dogs, especially Myst, have been such a source of strength for me in the past. There was one really low point in my life several years ago that I really thought about killing myself. I was at my wits end and so depressed. One thought that crossed my mind was "What will Myst do without me? She'll be so sad." When I went through my miscarriage and then recovery from surgery they were always right there beside me, just wanting to be as close as possible to me. I couldn't love them more. They are my furry children!

 

Day 4

I am thankful for a roof over my head and food in my tummy. There are so many people on there that don't have these things and it's a shame. We're one of the richest nations in the world but we have starving and homeless people :(

 

Day 5

I'm thankful for my education (which is almost complete as I graduate in a month!!!). I love the profession I'm going into and love knowing I can make a real difference in the lives of children. I have worked hard to complete my Bachelors degree as well as my Master's degree. I can't wait to start putting all of this knowledge in my head to good use. I'm ready to have my own classroom and to really start impacting some lives. I couldn't have picked a more rewarding profession, though the pay certainly does not reflect all the hard work. I am thankful to know I will be changing the lives of hundreds of kids because of the positive, responsible decisions I have made.

 

Day 6

Today I am thankful that I rocked my Praxis test. Now hoping I get a call back soon about a job. The Praxis test is the certification test that teachers are required to take before receiving or adding on to their teaching license. I needed a score of 158 out of 200 to pass. I scored a 182!!! I passed with flying colors. I was so happy I did the happy dance while my dogs looked at me like I was crazy.

 

Day 7

Today I am thankful for the internet. It allows me to talk to friend and family hundreds and thousands of miles away. It allows me to go to school and do my homework. It also provides fun and entertainment. It has allowed me to meet some of the most amazing people, including my husband.

Inspiration

There has been several times that I have been told that people love that I am so open about my infertility journey. I bare my soul on my blog about anything and everything in my life. It makes me feel good when someone tells me I'm doing a good job or that I helped them get through something or even that they can relate to how I'm feeling. It's a relief to know that my own personal struggles can help someone else.

A few days ago I got a huge dose gratitude from an unlikely source and thought I would share it with you all. 

A friend of mine, I'll call here Sarah for the sake of anonymity, made a huge confession to me. She told me that she was pregnant with her boyfriend's baby even though she was on birth control. She is part of a very strict Catholic Mexican family and knew that it would absolutely break her parents heart. This friend is a smart, successful woman. She went to college and graduated last spring. She just happens to be part of that .1%. She came to me to tell she was pregnant not to hurt me, but to tell me that I had helped her decide to keep the baby. She had initially wanted to have an abortion because she knew how much her parents would disapprove. Her exact words were as follows: "But just wanted to tell you that after thinking a lot, I decided to keep it and you were one of my reasons, because I've seen you stuggle for one, and you were a inspiration to keep it, because of you I realized so many women dream of one so much it would just be cruel and horrible... It is a gift no matter how hards it's gonna be... so I don't know if this will affect you or not, but I just wanted to let you know that in some way you helped me and my little one."

My point is not to advocate for or against abortion. Personally I believe it is a choice everyone should have access to. My point is that you never know who or how your story can help others. If I hadn't been open and willing to share my experiences and desperate longing to have a child then she may have made a different decision. It's nice to know that I have made a difference in not only her life, but also her child's life. It's nice to know that my struggle isn't always in vain and that other people are getting something out of hearing and reading my story. You never know what sharing the good and bad in your life end up doing.

Be Thankful Challenge

This month I'm going to try to actively participate in the "Be Thankful Challenge." Each day during the month of November I will write about one thing that I'm thankful for. It could be something big or small. Something that means a great deal or is relatively insignificant. What matters is the fact that I will be looking at all of the things that are good in my life and not focusing on the things that aren't going the way I want. I'm going to try really hard to look at all the things I should be happy to have instead of dwelling on the things I don't have (e.g. a child). I'm going to be posting these each day on my Facebook and I will probably compile them weekly here on my blog instead of making a post each and every day.

Challenge Day 1

Today I am thankful the Clomid prescription that I refilled today. I am hopeful that this might be THE month. In the same line with the prescription, I am thankful that my body responds to the Clomid. There are so many woman who don't have the option to take Clomid or whose body doesn't respond to it. At least I'm lucky enough to have a body that responds to it.

In All Seriousness...

 

Is it sad that I know exactly how Dumbo's mother feels. Each month hoping, praying, wishing that it would finally be my turn. Watching everyone else have children, even people who don't deserve them or want them. It's so watch everyone else get your dream and feel like it will never, ever happen for you. It is so hard to have hope month after month. People say to just relax, not to worry. I'm not sure how that would even be possible. How can you not think about your dream of becoming a parent, especially when you HAVE to work to try and become a parent? Mrs. Jumbo is a strong elephant. Even as her heart breaks she continues to hope. Even when she is the odd woman out and every other elephant has a child to love and hold, still she hopes. I guess that is one thing going for me. I know that I'm an incredibly strong woman who keeps trying no matter how much my heart breaks. Month after month, cycle after cycle, still I try to keep my head up. I try my hardest to have hope. It's never easy to keep going, to try and put each failure behind me, but I do my best.

 

 

 

There are so many times I put on a happy face and pretend that everything is okay. I have become pretty accustomed to putting on a show and not letting people know if and when things are bothering me. Sometimes all I really need is someone to tell me it wille be alright and give me a hug.

 

 

 

Every month, when a new cycle comes, women go through grief. Even if they know there is little hope, they cling to that. This doesn't mean I'm weak. This doesn't mean I'm a bad person. All it means is that I love my unborn, unconceived child more than most people could even dream of.

 

This is something I seem to struggle with every month. I'm never quite sure after another failed cycle how much more I can take. Usually on CD1 I feel like throwing in the towel and saying "I give up!" I have a good cry and pull myself together over the next couple of days. I put on a happy face again, go get my refill of Clomid and prepare to begin again.