Sock It To Infertility

So, April 24-30th is National Infertility Awareness week. In honor of NIAW, I started a small crusade that is turning into a huge event. It started with just my family and friends on Facebook, but has spread so far. The event is called "Sock It To Infertility." It is an event that people donate socks to, and the socks are then distributed to women that are undergoing fertility treatments.  Right now I have over 100 people saying they will donate at least 1 pair of socks. I hope that I will be able to touch a lot of lives and that this help spreads the word about infertility and that it is a serious disease that affects millions of couples in the United States and around the world. Statistics say that it affects 1 in 8 couples in the USA, and could affect as many as 1 in 4 couples world wide. That is a staggering number. Fertility treatments are costly and most states don't mandate that insurance companies help cover the costs. For more information on how you can help those going through fertility treatments check out RESOLVE. RESOLVE is The National Infertility Association and they have a plethora of awesome information about infertilty, how to support those going through treatments, etc.

Small Comforts for Empty Arms

So... it's been almost 2 weeks since I really said goodbye to my little bean. Some days are more rough than others. I would be somewhere around 9 weeks now. I've been trying to find comfort in small things. One thing that comforts me the most is that my baby has so much love up in heaven. I know Bean is being loved like crazy by an amazing great-grandma and great-grandpa and an aunt. I know they will take good care of Bean until I make it up there. I know in some people's eyes, Bean wasn't yet a person. Some people may thing that Bean was just an alien looking ball of cells... but I don't know how something Thayer and I loved so much couldn't be in heaven. I know I'll see my little bean eventually, but until then... Bean has so many people to love and care for her.

We all have these kinds of days... right?

Today was a bad day... no other way to describe it. It was a horrible, rotten, no good, very bad day. It started off with Kaia waking me up whining over and over again. Then I got up and got started on my homework and nothing was going right. I didn't understand one part of the project. I needed more ink for my printer... then after Thayer had already ran to the BX, I realized I was out of paper too. I was just so moody. Then I looked around and saw that the house was a mess. While I was struggling with my homework, my husband was sitting on his computer playing a game. It just didn't seem fair at all that I worked 6 days this week, then had to do homework... and then had to do all the housework. So I snapped. I mean I went off on him... I ripped him a new asshole. I yelled, I screamed, I just.... Snapped. When I was mad and yelling at him the truth came out.. and we ended up just holding each other and crying. I was mad at him, deep inside, for not being there when I lost the baby. First, he wouldn't go to the hospital with me... and then when I was crying and in so much pain when I passed the baby he was lying on the couch sleeping his lunch break away. At one point I was lying on the couch crying loudly, he woke up and asked me what was wrong... then just went back to sleep. I was ANGRY... I was angry that I had to throw our baby away. I was angry that he got to sleep while I had to flush our baby down the toilet. I was angry because I thought he was semi-happy that I lost the baby and with the move and getting out of the Air Force... it would just be easier to not have the baby. I was angry because he didn't seem to care. I could go on and on... I was just so angry. I'm glad it is out in the open... I'm glad we got it out of the way. I just wish I could have calmly talked to him about it. I don't think I would have ever talked to him about it, had we not fought though. Everything is fine now... but it was seriously a bad day.

Lately I've just been so stressed and frustrated... school, work, moving (not knowing about moving), the miscarriage.... It's just so much to deal with it. I feel overwhelmed and all alone at times. I'm one of those people that feels they always have to be strong, not talk about it, deal with it on my own.... That's just how I am. I don't talk... and then it all builds up.

This not knowing about moving is driving me crazy. We know we have to be out of Minot by the 31st of May... but we have no check list. We have no orders... we have nothing to go off of. The papers are signed so we know we're leaving by the 31st... but that is ALL we know. Not being able to plan anything is killing me. It is so frustrating.

Sometimes A Girl Just Needs Her Mommy...

I'm one of those women who is lucky enough to be able to call my mom my best friend. I love her. She can still kiss all my boo boos away. She can make everything better. I've been trying to be so strong. I try, at times, to hide my tears from Thayer. I don't want him to worry and feel bad. I don't want to make him sad or upset. I've always thought I have to be the strong one. Lately, with everything going on, I can't help to think about how much a hug from my mom would do for my heart. My mom has the magic touch. I can't help but believe her when she says, "Everything will be alright." Right now it feels like nothing will ever be right again. My heart is broken and I don't know how to fix it. This isn't a heartbreak I've experienced before. I just hate feeling alone. Thayer isn't experiencing what I'm experiencing. He doesn't have the guilt, the sense of failure. I'm sure he's sad. He's broken down and cried, but it isn't his body that is failing.

Military Life... Military Wife...

So there have been a lot of things about military life that have been frustrating me as of late. I'm frustrated by always being in limbo. I can't ever make a plan or envision my future. I can't follow my own dreams because I'm stuck (for lack of better words) following my husband. We were supposed to get out of here in May. That may or may not happen. We don't know yet. What we do know is that we will be out of here by the end of the summer... supposedly. I sit here with a Bachelor's in English Education that I can't use... I'm almost done with my Master's, yet I still can't use it. It is so frustrating to have a dream that you can't attain. Am I saying it was a mistake marrying my husband and becoming an Air Force wife? No. I don't regret it for one second. I love him with all my heart, but I would like to make some plans. I would like to know what lays in my future. I would like to know where I will be living in 6 months. I just want answers and they never seem to come. I want to know if I'll be able to have my surgery. I want to know if I'll be able to continue my fertility treatments. EVERYTHING... our entire lives are in limbo and it is INCREDIBLY frustrating!!

The other aspect that has me frustrated is other military wives (some, not all). They can be so damn frustrating. Some of them have less maturity than their children. Some of them constantly bitch... Oh my husband isn't around to babysit me... blah blah blah. Time to grow up ladies. If you think 12s are bad... wait for deployment. Thayer used to work 16+ hours... sometimes they would go over their timeline and he would have to stay the night out in the field and he couldn't even call me to let me know. I just had to assume all was well when he didn't come home for 24+ hours straight. It's military life. Maybe it isn't the right fit for your family... maybe at first you didn't know what you signed up for... but damn... bitching all the time gets old. We are all military wives, we all have it rough for different reasons and we don't want to hear your sob stories. *Big Girl Panties*

Oh... and then there are the gossipers. Really... when you point a finger three more point right back at you. You're not innocent. You too make mistakes. Talking behind people's backs just makes you look pathetic. We're adults and not in high school anymore. It's time to grow up and put your.... BIG GIRL PANTIES ON!... okay, I could go on... but enough bitching and bad juju. Going to go to my happy place now... my husband's arms!

Brown Chicken Brown Cow

.... I am so ready to be intimate with my husband again. We haven't had smexy fun time since we conceived our angel baby. That was a long time ago. It is frustrating, because once again, I feel like I'm letting him down. I feel like I can't do anything right. Believe me, he's very supportive and I know he loves me. I do really really miss feeling close to him in an intimate way. He has take good care of me. He holds me when I cry, which is almost daily. I'm just so overwhelmed with life. Between school, work, possibly moving (being in limbo), the miscarriage, possible surgery... just everything is jumbled and stressful. I feel bipolar. Last night I was tipsy after dinner and we were driving home and I was so happy and joking one minute... and the next I was thinking about how if I were still pregnant I wouldn't be able to drink and I burst into tears. Life has been such a rollarcoaster and I'm ready to get off the ride.

D-O-N-E

I'm just done. Done with Minot, done with most of the people here, done with the drama, done with the fake people who pretend to be your friend but hang out to dry the first chance they get. I'm just done. I'm so ready to leave and we better get to leave because I really don't think I can survive another year here. We're pretty sure we're going to be able to leave, and we better or I think Thayer will be living up here for a while by himself. I'm done being sad, I'm done feeling hurt, I'm just.... done. Life was easier when I was a hermit... at least then I wasn't getting hurt by others. I'm done thinking someone is my friend... I'm done being a friend of convience, I'm done with all these "fair-weather" people. I'm done asking for help then getting no reply then having the people I ask turn around and want me to do something for them. NO. I. Am. Done. I'm done being walked on... I'm done keeping it bottled up. I'm DONE.