I'm Not Responsible

After Saturday I am not responsible for the things I may say or do. Yesterday was CD1 so at bedtime on Saturday I will begin the evil pills (aka, Clomid). I'm dreading it and I know Thayer is too. I'm mostly dreading the side effects. That's why I'm going to take it at night. It's going to be rough going to my internship not feeling 100%. The last time my side effects included nausea, vomiting, hot flashes, and terrible mood swings. Maybe they will be better on a lower dose. I will definitely let you know how things are going. I just hope that I only have to do one month of Clomid. I'm ready to just move on to the next stage. It's my turn to be pregnant already!

One.. Two.. Thirty-Eight Strikes You're Out...

Yep, cycle 38 is a bust, or at least I'm 99% sure. About 20 minutes after my last blog where I was very hopeful I went to the bathroom and guess what I found on the TP? I was spotting a little brown. There still isn't a lot of spotting. It isn't even enough to require a liner. It's just there when I tinkle and wipe.

FML. I'm so sick of this rollar coaster crap. I'm doing everything right. DAMNIT if a 15 year old can "accidently" get pregnant why the hell can't a 27 year old woman with a Master's degree accomplish it? Life is so unimaginably unfair. I take good care of myself. I eat good because I have to. I take all my vitamins so I don't get sick. I'm doing it RIGHT. Why is it always the people who do things wrong that get rewarded? A crackwhore that's a mother... really? How is that remotely fair or "just?" It's not. Simple as that. I know... I know... no one ever said life was fair, but this is getting damn ridiculous.

So I guessing come Thursday or Friday I will have my first full day of "flow" so it will count as CD1. Then the plan begins. Clomid 5-9 with my extra B6 and Iron along with my prenatal and Women's One-a-Day. (Yes, 2 multi-vitamins because I require 200% of all vitamins because of the malabsorbtion.) Hopefully B6 on it's own instead of in a B-Complex will help with my luteal phase and the iron will help my lining because I think I was borderline anemic before I started taking it. Technically today is CD29 and I'm 11dpo. Blah.

Blue Moon Baby Maybe?

So Friday I am going to take my pregnancy test (if AF doesn't show before then). Friday also happens to be a blue moon. For those who don't know, a blue moon is the occurance of a second full moon twice in one month. This is where the saying "once in a blue moon" comes from. During the 20th Century there were only 40 instances of a blue moon so you can see how rare they are. A blue moon happens only about once every 2.5 years.

Today I just kept thinking about how interesting it might be to find out I'm pregnant on a blue moon. Does testing on a blue moon mean something special? Is there some "hidden" message in me possibly getting pregnant this month? I did some research and found that blue moons can be a source of good luck. This is what I found, "The blue moon is not only a metaphor for something that occurs rarely, but it also has a history of portending luck, though without the pleasant and easy bifurcation between that of good and bad varieties. Superstition only has that the occurrence of a blue moon is the perfect time to plant the seeds of long-term goals that will blossom in the sun of a future day."

Hmmm... long term goal.. I would say having a baby is a pretty long term goal, and it will eventually blossom on a future day. Maybe I'm reading to much into this. Maybe it isn't a "sign" at all. I guess we shall see in a few days. Either way, AF starts or I test and I'm pregnant. If I am pregnant I know I'll spend the next several weeks being petrified that I will lose this baby too. Maybe the blue moon will be a good luck charm for that?

I just want some luck. I want something to finally go my way. I want this SO bad. I've waited for what seems like forever. I'm ready. I've been ready.

I also found it ironic that if we are pregnant this month our due date will be exactly 1 1/2 years after our due date with Baby Hope. Coincidence?

The Plan

Today is 9dpo. I plan on testing on Friday to see if this cycle was successful if AF doesn't show up before then. My period is technically supposed to arrive on Thursday. Things have been a little off the last few months with my luteal phase so I'm really not sure if I will make it that long if I'm not pregnant. Last month I started spotting at 10dpo. I really just want my cycles to normalize and I hope that taking all of these vitamins will make a difference and make my cycles better. If this cycle is a bust (which is what I would put money on) then we will start a new cycle.

On CD5-9 I will take 50mg of Clomid. Thayer is really dreading the Clomid. The last few times I was on it I was a complete dragon lady. I'm hoping that it will be better this time because I'm on a lower dosage. I will continue taking all of my vitamins, etc to try to make sure we have the best opportunity to conceive. In addition to my prenatal, I'm also taking a B-Complex to help with my luteal phase and Iron to help with my uterine lining. We will also continue using Softcups to help keep the spermies up where they need to go. I actually kind of really like the Softcups because it makes after baby dancing clean up a lot easier an less messy.

When Hope Dwindles

Every month (and by month I mean cycle) I begin with a feeling of hope. Some months my "hope" is greater than other months, but it is always there. Then the days of the month slowly progress. We do our baby dancing at the prescribed times. I ovulate on schedule. My temp confirms ovulation along with the OPKs. These things add to my hope. I'm excited about the notion of this possibly FINALLY being my month. The days keep passing and as the days past ovulation add up my amount of hope slowly decreases. I start preparing myself for disappointment. I start reminding myself that the "symptoms" I'm feeling are just from my progesterone spike. I try to get through the day without thinking about it. Today I am 8dpo. At least this month is going better. I haven't started spotting yet like I did last month at 8dpo. I'm almost scared to be hopeful. Anymore it seems hope if futile. I'm just counting down the days until another cycle begins. I wish I could put on a happy face all the time and that everything could be okay... but it's not. I'm done lying or pretending. Last night Thayer and I went to dinner (had a buy one get one free coupon for Ruby Tuesday's) and I said fuck it and had a drink. I used to never drink during the 2ww. At this point I don't think it's going to change anything. In my eyes there is little hope that I'm pregnant so why should I bother doing without when it is something I really want. I had a bad day and I wanted at martini. Giving certain things up in the past didn't help get me pregnant so why would it make a difference now?

Biology Bites!

The dreaded 2 week wait has begun. I hate how long it takes biology to get its act together so you can find out whether you're pregnant or not. These are always the longest and most frustrating days of the month. They always seem to drag along. I'm hoping that now that I'm going to be super busy with my internship and school that I won't think about it or stress about it as much. At this point there isn't really anything I can do. I've ovulated. We've had sex at the right time. It's really just a waiting game, which is sucks. I hate that I've played this waiting game countless times in the past. I really hope that these days fly by. I have 12 more days until I can test if my periods doesn't show up before then. I won't get my hopes up to much based on symptoms because so many of them are the same as pre-menstral. Of course I tell myself this now, but here in a little over a week I'll me exagerating every cramp, etc. Ok... come on time... FLY BY!

T-Minus...

CD 18... Ovulated today. T-minus 14 days until we might have liftoff (aka. I can pee on a stick and see if I'm pregnant). This was an unmedicated cycle so we shall see. We did plenty of BD so *fingers crossed* that we get a BFP. I'm not holding my breath, and I certainly wouldn't place any money on seeing a positive pregnancy test in 2 weeks, but eh.. I guess I can hope a little. Our next cycle will be medicated so there's always that in the future if this cycle is a bust. I had some mighty bad ovulation pains this cycle. My temp is up and my progesterone has started to rise. I know this because my "girls" are really sore. So.. the countdown has begun. I'm tempted to look and see what my due date might be if we get pregnant this cycle, but then again that seems like such a naive move to make. Something a beginner in the world of TTC would do. I'm no stranger to let down, so....