It's the Little Things

This is my Be Thankful compilation number 1. If you have questions about the challenge please refer back to this blog. The Be Thankful Challenge.

Challenge Day 1

Today I am thankful the Clomid prescription that I refilled today. I am hopeful that this might be THE month. In the same line with the prescription, I am thankful that my body responds to the Clomid. There are so many woman who don't have the option to take Clomid or whose body doesn't respond to it. At least I'm lucky enough to have a body that responds to it.


Day 2

I am thankful I went through with my surgery and had the support I did. I am happier and healthier than I have ever been in my life. I am thankful I had no complications as well. I have no regrets whatsoever about having gastric bypass surgery. It has done nothing but change my life for the better. Sure, I have sacrificed things like soda, beer, fatty foods, and most sugary desserts, but I wouldn't change it for a second. I'm so much more healthy. It has also significantly improved my PCOS so that hopefully I will be on my way to motherhood soon!

Day 3

I am thankful my puppies. They have helped me get through some of my roughest moments. When I'm feeling down they are always there to give me love unconditionally. My dogs, especially Myst, have been such a source of strength for me in the past. There was one really low point in my life several years ago that I really thought about killing myself. I was at my wits end and so depressed. One thought that crossed my mind was "What will Myst do without me? She'll be so sad." When I went through my miscarriage and then recovery from surgery they were always right there beside me, just wanting to be as close as possible to me. I couldn't love them more. They are my furry children!

 

Day 4

I am thankful for a roof over my head and food in my tummy. There are so many people on there that don't have these things and it's a shame. We're one of the richest nations in the world but we have starving and homeless people :(

 

Day 5

I'm thankful for my education (which is almost complete as I graduate in a month!!!). I love the profession I'm going into and love knowing I can make a real difference in the lives of children. I have worked hard to complete my Bachelors degree as well as my Master's degree. I can't wait to start putting all of this knowledge in my head to good use. I'm ready to have my own classroom and to really start impacting some lives. I couldn't have picked a more rewarding profession, though the pay certainly does not reflect all the hard work. I am thankful to know I will be changing the lives of hundreds of kids because of the positive, responsible decisions I have made.

 

Day 6

Today I am thankful that I rocked my Praxis test. Now hoping I get a call back soon about a job. The Praxis test is the certification test that teachers are required to take before receiving or adding on to their teaching license. I needed a score of 158 out of 200 to pass. I scored a 182!!! I passed with flying colors. I was so happy I did the happy dance while my dogs looked at me like I was crazy.

 

Day 7

Today I am thankful for the internet. It allows me to talk to friend and family hundreds and thousands of miles away. It allows me to go to school and do my homework. It also provides fun and entertainment. It has allowed me to meet some of the most amazing people, including my husband.

Inspiration

There has been several times that I have been told that people love that I am so open about my infertility journey. I bare my soul on my blog about anything and everything in my life. It makes me feel good when someone tells me I'm doing a good job or that I helped them get through something or even that they can relate to how I'm feeling. It's a relief to know that my own personal struggles can help someone else.

A few days ago I got a huge dose gratitude from an unlikely source and thought I would share it with you all. 

A friend of mine, I'll call here Sarah for the sake of anonymity, made a huge confession to me. She told me that she was pregnant with her boyfriend's baby even though she was on birth control. She is part of a very strict Catholic Mexican family and knew that it would absolutely break her parents heart. This friend is a smart, successful woman. She went to college and graduated last spring. She just happens to be part of that .1%. She came to me to tell she was pregnant not to hurt me, but to tell me that I had helped her decide to keep the baby. She had initially wanted to have an abortion because she knew how much her parents would disapprove. Her exact words were as follows: "But just wanted to tell you that after thinking a lot, I decided to keep it and you were one of my reasons, because I've seen you stuggle for one, and you were a inspiration to keep it, because of you I realized so many women dream of one so much it would just be cruel and horrible... It is a gift no matter how hards it's gonna be... so I don't know if this will affect you or not, but I just wanted to let you know that in some way you helped me and my little one."

My point is not to advocate for or against abortion. Personally I believe it is a choice everyone should have access to. My point is that you never know who or how your story can help others. If I hadn't been open and willing to share my experiences and desperate longing to have a child then she may have made a different decision. It's nice to know that I have made a difference in not only her life, but also her child's life. It's nice to know that my struggle isn't always in vain and that other people are getting something out of hearing and reading my story. You never know what sharing the good and bad in your life end up doing.

Be Thankful Challenge

This month I'm going to try to actively participate in the "Be Thankful Challenge." Each day during the month of November I will write about one thing that I'm thankful for. It could be something big or small. Something that means a great deal or is relatively insignificant. What matters is the fact that I will be looking at all of the things that are good in my life and not focusing on the things that aren't going the way I want. I'm going to try really hard to look at all the things I should be happy to have instead of dwelling on the things I don't have (e.g. a child). I'm going to be posting these each day on my Facebook and I will probably compile them weekly here on my blog instead of making a post each and every day.

Challenge Day 1

Today I am thankful the Clomid prescription that I refilled today. I am hopeful that this might be THE month. In the same line with the prescription, I am thankful that my body responds to the Clomid. There are so many woman who don't have the option to take Clomid or whose body doesn't respond to it. At least I'm lucky enough to have a body that responds to it.

In All Seriousness...

 

Is it sad that I know exactly how Dumbo's mother feels. Each month hoping, praying, wishing that it would finally be my turn. Watching everyone else have children, even people who don't deserve them or want them. It's so watch everyone else get your dream and feel like it will never, ever happen for you. It is so hard to have hope month after month. People say to just relax, not to worry. I'm not sure how that would even be possible. How can you not think about your dream of becoming a parent, especially when you HAVE to work to try and become a parent? Mrs. Jumbo is a strong elephant. Even as her heart breaks she continues to hope. Even when she is the odd woman out and every other elephant has a child to love and hold, still she hopes. I guess that is one thing going for me. I know that I'm an incredibly strong woman who keeps trying no matter how much my heart breaks. Month after month, cycle after cycle, still I try to keep my head up. I try my hardest to have hope. It's never easy to keep going, to try and put each failure behind me, but I do my best.

 

 

 

There are so many times I put on a happy face and pretend that everything is okay. I have become pretty accustomed to putting on a show and not letting people know if and when things are bothering me. Sometimes all I really need is someone to tell me it wille be alright and give me a hug.

 

 

 

Every month, when a new cycle comes, women go through grief. Even if they know there is little hope, they cling to that. This doesn't mean I'm weak. This doesn't mean I'm a bad person. All it means is that I love my unborn, unconceived child more than most people could even dream of.

 

This is something I seem to struggle with every month. I'm never quite sure after another failed cycle how much more I can take. Usually on CD1 I feel like throwing in the towel and saying "I give up!" I have a good cry and pull myself together over the next couple of days. I put on a happy face again, go get my refill of Clomid and prepare to begin again.

 

Infertility Humor

There is nothing more annoying than bitches complaining about how long it took them to get pregnant, especially when it was such an insignificant amount of time. Try over THREE YEARS bitch!

It seems like the people that shouldn't or don't deserve to be parents are the ones that can get knocked up over and over again without trouble at all. Teenager, people who suck welfare dry... etc.

lol not much more to say about this one...

Bitch Showed Up...

Not much more to say than that. Another cycle down the drain. Another month of hoping that was worthless. Another month of prayers unanswered. I swear if one more person tells me "in God's time" I will shove a Bible so far up their ass their mouth will spew pages like a copy machine.

I had an interview today. That looks promising. She sounds like she really wants me in the position but has to go through the whole process of interviewing all the candidates. The director said that if I were to take a position I would be pretty much in line for the next teaching job that opened up as well because they like to hire from the inside. I really hope I get it. Not sure when I'll find out.

I should know by the beginning of next week whether I passed my Praxis exam so I can have my Special Education certification added onto my license. I'm pretty sure I passed.

Probably Jinxing Myself

My last 2 cycles I started spotting on 12dpo and began my full period on 13dpo (CD1). As of today I am 12dpo and my temp is still up. I had a tiny bit of spotting last night when I went to the restroom, but haven't really had anymore. I know in typing this I'm probably jinxing myself. Every time I start to get excited and really hopeful, my body screams "SIKE!!!!!!!!!" More than likely I'll wake up in the morning and my temp will have dropped and AF will be on her way, but until that happens I'm going to be cautiously optimistic.

I know if AF comes I will be upset and cry. Another month gone, another month of empty uterus, and in the end, another month of waiting for good news. We're quickly approaching the 3 1/2 year mark. Some day it will be my turn, right?