Assumptions make and ASS out of U and ME (ASSUME)

I really hate when people assume things. In fact, it is one of my biggest pet peeves. I'm sure we're all guilty of doing it from time to time but isn't it easier to just ask? So I'm going to lay things all out for ya'll about some assumptions people like to make about me.

1. Yeah I post sad status' on Facebook. Sorry if you don't like it. You can get over it or delete me. I post them about many things and I don't usually come right out and say what caused it because sometimes it frankly isn't your effing business. Like back in October I posted a status about wanting to go curl up and cry. Someone assumed it was about my infertility and got all mad at me and lectured me. It turns out that that day was my sister's birthday. Hmmm why might I be crying on my sister's birthday... because she was murdered in 2007. I think I have the right to want to curl up and cry on that day if I damn well want to. Was I going to post to the world that it was my murdered sister's birthday? NO.

2. I'm fat because I'm lazy, eat bad, etc. Yeah I'm a fatty... if you don't like it don't be my friend. I'm the way I am because well I'm the way I am. I watch what I eat... (1600 calories a day)... I exercise... I have a condition that makes it EXTREMELY hard to lose weight, plus HELLO look at my family... we're all fatties. I'm not a pig, I don't over eat. Before I was in preschool I was put on every steroid known to man to try and help my horrible asthma, which probably didn't help.

3. I'm a bitch all the time... NOPE I'm a bitch some of the time. I'm a bitch if you're a bitch to me first or if you try to hurt my family or friends.


.... Hmmm I'll have to add to this when I think of more...

Who's Excited For Their Period... ME ME ME!

Ok... so for once I'm excited to get my period. Yes, I know I'm a freak. Why would someone who is trying to have a baby be excited to get their period... well....! I know I'm not pregnant so now I'm just waiting for the Provera to work and make my period happen... then I can start Clomid and have my ultrasounds done! If I start on the next couple of days I should be able to pee on a stick right around my birthday. If I'm not prego I can drink my ass off and forget about it OR if I am prego I can be super happy on my birthday. So... THREE CHEERS FOR STARTING CLOMID.... HIP HIP HOORAY.... ok... that's enough.

Pretty Ugly Liars

Does anyone else get a little thrill when they know they've caught someone in a lie or you know they are completely exaggerating? I know I do! lol I usually keep it to myself and just giggle when they post things on Facebook or other places. Oh... and I love when they say one thing and then 2 weeks later post something contradictory... because OMG on Facebook you can soooo go back and look at what they said previously! I guess some people might believe them and fall for their "drama" but I (and many others) are NOT that stupid! Google is a wonderful tool and easy to use.


"If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything." ~Mark Twain.

I Love Rollercoasters, BUT this is bloody RIDICULOUS!

So... the last week or so has been a huge rollercoaster. My moods are unpredictable at best. Anyone that says that being pregnant causes crazy mood swings has obviously never been through infertility treatment and had their body pumped full of every synthetic hormone known to man. The last week has just been rough. First there was Christmas. It's always hard being away from family (well certain family). I miss my mom. I miss my dad. I miss not freezing my ass of in North Dakota.

I also started work 3ish weeks ago now. Work is actually good. Some of the women are well... women. A-typical, catty, cliche belonging, women. Oh... and then there's the ONE woman. She will be called Witchy. I had a run in with Witchy because I was in a room with 10 pre-toddlers. She was changing diapers (which I offered to do). She warned me that one particular child was a 'biter' and to watch him. Witchy wasn't exactly nice in the way she told me this but I brushed it off. So... she was changing diapers and I was in charge of the other 9 children. So Mr. Biter bit her "favorite" while I was stopping another child from hitting his friend with a toy. It then became all my fault that Mr. Biter bit the other little girl. SOOO annoying. She was so rude to me the rest of the day and she's still rude to me and glares at me when she sees me in the hallway. Witchy is also the woman I was warned to watch out for before I was even hired. lol so that's saying something!

Oh... lets see... What else has happened this week. We called the in-laws for Christmas and talked to my mother and sister in law. My father-in-law was spending Christmas "alone" *cough cough* in the Phillipines. Whatever. I'm glad I've never had to talk to him and probably will never talk to him. He's an asshole. Thayer found out from his sister the REAL reason why their dad isn't talking to him. It's not because Thayer got married and they didn't know about it, it's because Thayer married someone that he never would have. In his words... Thayer married a "fat" girl and I'm not good enough to be a member of his family for this reason. Well, it's a damn good thing that this "fat" girl lives an ocean away because I'm sure this "fat" girl could and would kick his ass if he ever had the balls to say that to my face. My father-in-law is a worthless piece of shit. I could go on and on and vent about his stupid ass. You would THINK a father would be happy that his son found someone he wanted to spend the rest of his life with and that his son was happy. You would THINK that a father would be proud that his son married a woman that is successful in her own right... meaning I put myself through college. I'm working on my Master's degree... etc. NO... he has to be a shallow PRICK.

Well It's a Bittersweet Symphony...

So, it is now officially Christmas Eve. It's a bittersweet day. The holidays haven't felt "right" for a long time now. I go through the motions... I cook the turkey... I buy the presents... but it feels empty. There is a void somewhere deep inside that I'm not quite sure how to fill or if it will ever be filled. Don't get me wrong... I like Christmas time, it just doesn't feel like it used to. Is it because I'm older? I don't know. *sigh*

Christmas feels even more weird without my family around. Most people I know have their "own" family. By own family I mean children. I don't have that. GRRRR! I'm trying so hard to be positive and focus on what I DO have and not on what I don't have but it's so hard sometimes. I miss my mom... I miss my dad... I miss above freezing temperatures. This time of the year is always exceptionally difficult for me. I try so hard, I really do. May be next year there will be a baby's first Christmas ornament and stocking hanging in my house. Who knows?

The Plague!

So... I seem to have gotten sick. One week of working at the CDC and the little buggers make me ill! lol. It's not their fault though. It amazes me how many parents bring their children to daycare knowing that they are sick. Actually, it makes me really sad. I know parents have jobs, they need to work... blah blah blah. We have parents that are single parents and are enlisted in the AF. I get it... I really do... but where do you draw the line? It looks like I'll have to call in... well make that Thayer will have to call in for me because my voice resembles that of a mouse caught in a trap. I sound awful! I have yellow and green stuff coming from my respitory system. mmm doesn't that sound yummy? So I guess I'll be going to the doctor tomorrow instead of work! Oh... and to top it off I also get to pee on a stick tomorrow and see if I'm pregnant. More than likely it is a big fat negative. Then I get to start my Provera. Ok... so I'mma gonna quit typing now. The medicine is making me cooky!

I Pee on Things for FUN!....

So... just an update. I know some of you are waiting on baby news from me... so here's the scoop. I tested today and it was negative, BUT I ovulated late this month so I'm not technically late. I can test 14 days after I ovulated. This gives time for implantation and the HCg levels to get high enough to be detectable. So... Monday is the day I am actually "technically" late. On a side note... I went and got my prescription for Clomid so I am set for my next cycle if I am not prego now. Dr. Billings is starting me out on 100mg. So once I can get a prego test from the base and certify that I'm not pregnant I can go on the Provera... have my period and start trying for a baby again. This endless, vicious cycle doesn't end. I'm done getting my hopes up... though I know I still do. Today I started off the day by peeing on a stick and hoping... and then I was disappointed and that put me in a shitty mood for the rest of the day. Actually, work kind of helped with it. I had so much to do today that I couldn't think about it until I got home again... and now I'm just angry.

I'm angry because people that are stupid can have kids and I can't.

People that abuse their children can have kids and I can't.

People with no money can have kids that I have to help pay for with my tax dollars... but I can't.

I have a college degree, I have a loving and faithful husband, I have money... I have everything. I did everything right. I waited... went to college and graduated... got married.... I DID IT RIGHT! The way mommmy and daddy always told me I should.

Yeah... I'm sounding grumpy and pessimistic again... but fuck it. If you don't like it... I don't give a shit. This is me and I deserve to feel the way I feel. If you can't respect that, feel free to not read and/or delete me from facebook. The unfairness that is rampant in this world... well it's no wonder why I'm Agnostic.

So... I started Tuesday at the CDC. It isn't to bad. I do a lot of running around because I don't have my own "class" yet and I won't have my own for a while. I was in one classroom all day today so that was nice. Like any workplace with a lot of women, there seem to be a lot of cliques. We will see how that goes. I get to come home from lunch, which is nice.

Thayer has been on his man-period this last week. I really just wanna feed him Midol... Ok... that's it for now!

I've Got Friends in Cold Places.....

So... I just want to say that I've made some really amazing friends up here in this frozen tundra that is Minot AFB. They have no idea how much they help me and make me smile even when I really really don't want to. I love them for all that they do and never even know they do! I never wanted to be a military wife... and to be perfectly honest, my first experiences with other military wives really left a sour taste in my mouth. I'm glad to have finally met some ladies that except me for who I am, flaws included! I'm not perfect, no one is and I'm so happy that they understand me. I'm finally starting to come out of my shell and let them see the goofy side of me! I really can be a lot of fun... just sayin! While Minot might not be my favorite place in the world, the company I now keep is making these cold winter months worth while.

Also, to my friends back home, I love you all too! I miss you guys and I can't wait to see you the next time I get to come home! I love how we can always pick up right where we left off like we were never even apart. I know that distance can and does put a strain on any type of relationship, but I'm glad to know that I can alway call you and harrass you!

Snow Snow go AWAY

Blah... sick of winter already... only 4 more months to go! I think I have seasonal mood disorder!

Anyways, it has been a while since I last wrote, so I thought I would fill y'all in on what is going on in my life. It is now December and yet another year is coming to a close... I'm hoping 2011 will be a wonderful year!

So, I will start Clomid this month. I am waiting to go in and have my pregnancy test done because my ovaries decided to work on their own this month. I got an LH spike on my OPKs this last weekend... so maybe this month I will be extra lucky and get prego on my own and not even have to take the Clomid! Yeah... right... I'm never that lucky. So, basically to get the Clomid I had to go behind my REs back and just deal with my OB/GYN. I don't feel bad because I'm getting what I want! I deserve to be able to choose what I do with my body. It's my choice if I want to try Clomid before doing more evasive procedures and that's exactly what I'm going to do. Again, if it doesn't work, I'll move on to something more drastic. So... please keep your fingers crossed that this month will be the month or the Clomid will work for me! For the Clomid, I get to go in on CD1 through CD3 (CD = Cycle Day) and have an ultrasound done and see if my eggs are growing. Then I take the Clomid CD3-CD7. Then I go in on CD13 to see how my eggs are... then they hubby and I have "happy time" every other day from then on. Having "happy time" every other day is the best way to try and get prego. Maybe we'll get a little Christmas miracle... or maybe I'll by Thayer's sperm a map to my eggs for Christmas and I'll get a birthday miracle. (My birthday is Jan. 29th).

Lets see... enough about my ovaries! I start at the CDC on Tuesday. I'm hoping I like it. We really don't need the money, but it definitely will be nice to put a little extra in savings and put some away for my student loans when I finally get done with school.

This school semester is almost done, but I have decided to extend my education by one semester so I will actually graduate May 2012. The main reason for this is that I have to go back and take 2 undergrad classes: Reading and Math methods. Because I have a degree in secondary education, to get my degree for K-12 Special Education, these are requirements. I really can't take these this Spring like I was hoping because of starting work. Hopefully, once I have some time in at the CDC and see how awesome I am, they will work with my school schedule.

Hmmm... what else? Cataclysm (the new expansion pack for World of Warcraft) comes out next week! I'm really excited. I love playing it with Thayer and it's really fun playing with some of the guys Thayer works with and their wives! They're really cool guys and it was awesome having them over for Thanksgiving.

to quote Thayer "I do what I want!"

So I have a new resolve. I will call Dr. Billings in the morning and demand (yes, I said demand) that he put me on Clomid for three months. I deserve to be able to try right? Sure, the PCOS might my eggs be of poorer quality... but I just want a chance before I resort to more drastic measures! While doing the Clomid for those 3 months... I can work on getting the "drastic measures" set up if it does come to that. That will take a couple of months to get arranged anyway, so I might as well try during that time right? On a side note... I did ovulate on my own again this weekend...This may make you wonder why I need the Clomid. Not only can Clomid make you ovulate. It makes you ovulate better... more eggs, etc.

Processing it all

So I haven't written in about a week and I haven't written since my visit to the RE. I've been trying to digest and process everything that happened at my visit with the RE... and well yeah... I still don't want to talk about it. I've got a plan set in place now to achieve my dream of becoming a mother... and it breaks my heart that I'm going to have to put it on hold for now. I guess all good things come to those that wait, right?

Hysterosal-what-ogram....

Yep... infertility is a blast *sarcasm* Hey, if I don't try to laugh about it, I'll just cry about it. So... to day I had my HSG ran and I have to say... it wasn't NEARLY as bad as I thought it was going to be! It was over and done with in a blink of an eye almost. The pain wasn't bad. It was mostly like getting a pap done with a combination of moderate menstral cramping. I guess I was lucky because I've heard so many women tell me it hurts like hell. The good news is that according to Dr. Billings everything looks good. The Radiologist still has to look at the films they took. It was kinda weird to see my uterus (it looked a lot smaller than the ones they showed in the pamplet)... The dye came right out of my tubes, not problem. Basically it means that my uterus is normal, not tilted or anything, and that my fallopian tubes are open. There are no obstructions causing the eggs not to make it through to be fertilized. I go tomorrow to see the RE, so I'll probably post again tomorrow with what he has to say. I'm due to ovulate at the end of the week so I'll be peeing on sticks to see if I ovulate on my own. I will probably be starting Clomid on my next cycle... maybe I'll get a Christmas or Birthday wish to come true!

Baby... It's Cold Outside!

So I think winter has finally hit Minot. The wind is blowing like crazy... it is in the single digits... it feels like it's in the negative digits... BRRR! lol It snowed some yesterday... maybe a half inch. Come on Minot lol That's not that impressive, why don't you give these noobies a taste of a real Minot winter! Bring on the BLIZZARDS! :-P

So.. the funny thing about winter in Minot is that you're cooped up inside a lot. Guess what that leads to?! DRAMA! I think some military wives seriously get off on starting shit with other people. It's one thing if it is actually true, but if you're making shit up because your crazy or something, you need to get off Facebook and get a life! So there is at least one completely false rumor going around me right now. Military life is worse than high school sometimes and it only seems to be in the base. I didn't have to deal with any of this crap when I lived off post... but then again I didn't know that many people either.

In other news... I have a job! It's not at the BX though. I got a call the morning I was supposed to start at the BX from NAF and they wanted to hire me to work at the CDC. I took that job because it pays $3 more an hour and it is something I would enjoy more than working at the BX. (No offense BX employees). I'm still going through background checks and things. Hopefully I will have all of that sorted out by next week.

I go in next week to have my HSG done. I'm so mad at myself though, because I forgot to go in on Sunday and have my bloodwork ran! I guess it will just have to wait until next month. I also go in on the 23rd to see the RE. I hope that everything goes well. I'm ready for some good news. I should be able to go on Clomid after the HSG results come back and I get my period again. Maybe I'll have an awesome Christmas or Birthday present this year! Here's to hoping!

What else... the dogs are doing well. Kaia loves the cold and Myst hates it. Kaia loves the snow and Myst just looks at me like "you seriously want me to put my paws on the cold wet crap." She just looks so annoyed with me, like I can do something about it. Kaia's birthday is next week. She will be one year old! She has now reached her adult height but she can bulk up and put on more weight up until she's about 18 months old. Right now she's sitting at 44lbs, which is not nearly as big as we thought she would be. Her mommma and daddy were both about 70lbs.

Infertility means you're always the bad guy

So I've come to see that being infertile and going through this hard journey means you're always the bad guy. Everyone else is always inherently perfect and you can just never measure up to them and their egg producing, sperm swimming, baby making perfectness.

You tell someone that you're sick of them bitching about their kids all the time --- you're the bad guy because you've NEVER been a parent and don't know the hardships of being a parent.

You tell someone that is prego that you can't take them bitching about being pregnant anymore --- you're the bad guy because you've never been pregnant and don't know how hard it is dealing with morning sickness and feet swelling and aching boobs.

You tell someone that is prego that you can't handle their ever status updating being about their pregnancy --- you're the bad guy because you're obviously not happy for them and if they were in your situation they wouldn't feel like that. It's not that I'm not happy for you, its that I'm heartbroken for myself because it should be my turn, damn it. And honestly, unless you've been in my situation you don't know how you'd feel so just stfu on that note.

You tell someone that is prego that you're going to delete them off your facebook because their status updates are hurting you and making you sad --- they get mad at you because... well I don't know why, but the just get mad at you.

You can't get pregnant --- you're the bad guy because you're husband deserves to be a father; he would be a great dad, but once again you're a fucking failure because you have jacked up ovaries.

You tell someone that it's unfair for them to leave you out of things just because you aren't a mother --- you're the bad guy because how dare you want to spend time with other adult women even if they do have kids.

You try to offer advice to friends tha are parents --- you're the bad guy because you're not a parent and therefore know absolutely NOTHING about being a parent... nevermind the four year teaching degree you have and the years of experience you have in working in a day care... NOPE you've never popped a kid out of your vagina therefore you know NOTHING about raising a child.

Yep... you heard it here first... I'M THE BAD GUY! I'M always IN THE WRONG!!!

This week on "As the Ovaries Turn...." lol

Just a little update on the ovaries... I started Provera last week because AF had been missing. Based on that, I will be going in Monday for my CD3 bloodwork and on the 22nd I will most likely have my HSG. The following day, the 23rd I will see the RE for my first consultation. Thayer is going to see if he can take a part of the day off because I'm not supposed to drive after having the HSG ran. If not, I might have to con Brianna into taking me :)

I also got a job at the BX... so I hope they work with my schedule. If not, I guess I won't be working there. I mean, the RE only comes to Minot every 3-4 months and they HSG HAS to be ran on CD10... I'm not going to wait around for a few months for them to schedule me a day off. Becoming a parent is more important to me than having a job. I don't "need" a job, I wanted one. We're doing fine as far as money goes, I just like having my own money and feeling like I'm contributing. Anyways, I should be starting in about a week. They're waiting on my background check to go through. I really really hope that the CDC, Youth Center, or the Library call me back. They all have my application under review.

I also need to call UND and have them adjust my schedule for my Master's classes. I'm going to drag out getting my degree for another semester because I don't want to take 9 credit hours next summer and I don't think I'm going to be able to take 2 of the classes I need to this spring. As long as I'm carrying a part-time load I should be good.

The Patriot in Me

Well today is Veteran's Day. I always thought I was a patriotic person. I knew the Pledge; I sang the "Star-Spangled Banner." I did the flag salute at camp. I know the words to Taps. I can tell you about US history. I loved and respected our military and all that they have and are doing for us. I NEVER wanted to become a military wife. Believe me, I always swore I would never ever marry someone in the military. Then that thing called LOVE happened and now I sit as the proud wife (and daughter)of a US Airman. Words cannot express how becoming part of the military "family" has changed me. I see the ins and outs of military life. I see first hands the ups and downs of military life. Often those that serve here at home are forgotten, but they're no less important than those serving aboard. Yes, there job is less dangerous, but it takes everyone working together to keep us safe and free. Military life has not been an easy adjustment for me. I felt so alone for so long, but even when I felt most alone and isolated from my home and family I knew I was doing something great. I was supporting the love of my life while he defends and protects our nation. I love him more than words can say. He's an amazing man, he's an amazing Airman!

The song below tears me up. I pray that I never have to go through losing my husband. I can't help but cry when I hear this song. All the men and women that have sacrificed their lives for me and my family... words cannot express what a special place they have in my heart.

This song also hits home for me... Freedom really doesn't come free and I'm sure we're all guilty of taking what we have for granted at some time or another. And finally, some pictures of my own personal hero... Senior Airman T.O.!

Life in Fast Forward!

So things are starting to go in fast forward... Lots of things going on!

So tomorrow I get to go to the dentist for a cleaning... lol that's not too eventful.

Tomorrow I also have a job interview at the BX. The CDC also called me Saturday night and asked me if I was still interested in a position. I would really rather work at CDC than the BX, not only because the pay is better, but also because I have more experience in it.

I also got an official appointment with the RE. I was on the appointment waiting list, but they called me Wednesday morning and I am going on the 23rd of November. I also started Provera yesterday so I can have my period. When I do get it, on day 3 I will have bloodwork done and then my HSG on day 10. The RE has 15 pages of paperwork for me to fill out for my first visit! lol They ask some pretty private questions and it was a bit embarrassing to fill out. I guess that's one things that goes along with infertility treatments, you lose a lot of your modesty because you have all kinds of people looking up your girl parts. I'm just glad things are getting moving. Because of my scheduled tests I probably won't start Clomid until December... lol just in time for Christmas. I'm going to have a rough holiday as it is being away from my family and then throw some medication that messes with your hormones and makes most women 10 times more moody than they are when they PMS... well that's just a recipe for disaster! lol I'm just hoping that I might be prego for my birthday! Wouldn't that be great! Oh well, we'll have to see if the Clomid works. If it doesn't then I work with the RE and get more treatment!

Let's see, not a lot going on with the dogs. Kaia was really dumb the other day and pooped in her cage, which wouldn't have been so bad if she hadn't of eaten it. Not only did she eat it, but it made her tummy really upset and she puked it up all over my house and her cage. It was so awful cleaning up puked up poop! I have a tough stomach, but I gagged a couple times. It was awful. Myst is doing really well. She seems to be pretty happy and moving pretty good all these months after her surgery. She still favors that leg sometimes, but you can tell that she's living in a lot less pain and that's what really mattered to me. I'd rather have her limp a little bit and not be in pain than be in constant pain.

Relaxing... Finally.

So the last week I have been slammed with homework. I thought about half assing it... but then again I don't want to risk losing my 4.0. I'm pretty friggin' proud that I have a 4.0 in Graduate School!

Today I am taking a break from the book and just going to relax with my girls. I love my doggies so much. I can't believe how much unconditional love Myst shows me! She is just the most amazing little dog who loves her momma so much. I love it when she cuddles with me in bed and she's so cute when she gets excited. When she gets excited the tail literally wags the dog. Martha calls her "wiggles." I also can't believe that Kaia is almost a year old (Nov. 24th). I bought the last bag of puppy food yesterday. After that bag is gone she'll be on adult food. My little baby is growing up! I looked at the pictures I took of her when I first picked her up and I can't believe how much she has grown in the last year.

Monday I have to call Dr. Billings office on Monday and get my prescription for Provera. AF hasn't showed up yet and he said he didn't want me to wait any longer until the first of the month. I'm ready get get things rolling! After I get on the Provera I'm one step closer to having the HSG ran. Thayer said he would try to take a half a day off to take me to the appointment because you're not supposed to drive afterwards. I know I'm definitely going to take some pain meds before I have it ran. I've heard people tell me that it's really painful and I've had others tell me that it wasn't any worse than having a pap. lol I'm just kinda weirded out because I'm going to have God knows how many people looking up my girl parts. It's really awkward. To be honest, it makes me more uncomfortable to have a male doctor looking up there than a female. lol so anyways...

I should be cleaning, but I'm boycotting it. I'll do some of that this weekend and maybe I'll make Thayer help me. We'll see if that actually will happen.

OH! I got one of my infertility books in the mail yesterday and started reading it! It's super funny and it makes me feel better. It's called Conception Chronicles. Any woman going through infertility should give it a try. It makes me laugh and helps me realize how many women are in the same boat as me. It also had some uplifting statistics. 90% of women who experience infertility go on to have babies. I guess there is always a chance I'm in that 10% that doesn't... but I'm choosing to focus on the positive.

The Rampant Stupidity Astounds Me...

I'm not sure I have a lot to say... other than there are some really stupid people in this world and they're really irritating. I'm not saying I don't do stupid things... but I try to take care of me, act like an adult, don't do things I can't afford. I mean, really common sense dictates most of my decisions in life and I wish more people had common sense. I want to go off and vent and name names, but that would be immature considering people might read this so... yeah. I guess that's it. I will continue to take out my frustrations by punching and screaming into my pillow.

Minot = the Edge of Nowhere

So today I got some frustrating news. I called to make my appointment with the Reproductive Endorcinologist (RE) only to find they have no appointments left for the ONE day that he will be in Minot in the next 4 months. Yes that's right... the RE only comes to Minot once a quarter. This place isn't even the middle of nowhere... it's there very outlying edge of nowhere. The scheduler was going to take to Dr. Corfman (the RE) and see if he was thinking about adding a day to his visit or at least extending it for a few hours so that he could see me. If not I will have to drive to Bismarck or Fargo (he's there once a month) or all the way to Minneapolis where his office is. This is just frustrating news. Why do we have to be stationed here in the edge of nowhere, where I can't get the medical treatments I need without driving 2+ hours. The only good news is that if I do have to go all that distance I might be able to have reinbursement for travel expenses.

Yesterday I made a few purchases on Amazon.com. I bought 2 books about infertility. The Conception Chronicles: The Uncensored Truth About Sex, Love & Marriage When You're Trying to Get Pregnant and Unsung Lullabies: Understanding and Coping with Infertility . I hope that they are good and encouraging. I really want to read something that will help me stay in a positive state of mind! I also bought a pack of 50 ovulation tests. They were way cheaper online... only $10 in all with shipping. They are so expensive to buy in the store... even the ones at the dollar store. It was just easier to do it this way. Maybe I won't even have to use them all and I can give them to someone else to pee on. lol That's one of the funny things about infertility... you constantly pee on things and analyze your toilet paper. (see if Aunt Flow has showed up.) If I don't try to laugh about it, then I'm going to cry and I'd much rather laugh.

In a way... I feel lucky

I've just been doing some thinking. I'm definitely trying to stay on the sunny side of life. I was just thinking the other day about all the women that are struggling with infertility, but aren't lucky enough to have insurance that covers it like I do. I can't even image having to pay for this stuff out of pocket. So I'm lucky, in a way, that we have the insurance we do that covers everything but IVF. I'm excited about all the upcoming things and finally getting some real answers and moving on with getting some "real" treatments started. I know it's going to be rough because I'll probably have to be on Provera most months and that makes me feel like shit, but the results will definitely be worth it!

So... most of my blogs lately have been about my struggle with infertility and I'm sure most people are sick of hearing about my jacked up ovaries. Sorry, it's just been on my mind a lot.

So... what else has been going on? Not a whole lot. School is still going alright. I need to quit procrastinating so much. I keep saying that but it never seems to happen. Let's see... I've finally made some really good friends up here. People I love hanging out with and have things in common with. They're supportive of me and yeah, it makes me feel really lucky. I'm glad I kept trying to make friends and didn't give up. I was on the verge of giving up for good, and then these wonderful ladies showed up! The dogs are doing well. Kaia will be a year old next month! She's so big compared to when we got her. She's starting to bulk up and not look so skinny, and she is loving the cooler weather we've been having. She just wants to go outside and hang out. Myst is doing good as well. She's still momma's little baby, and I treat her as such. I've also applied for some jobs here on base. The Library told me they couldn't do anything with my application because I can't claim spouse preference. I've also applied to be a secretary at the vet clinic, the CDC, and the BX. I would probably like to have a job at the CDC the most, but at this point I just want my own money and to get out of the house. I only want to work about 20 hours a week so I can keep up with school. Still now news about Thayer deploying, but then again he could get orders one day and ship out a week later because he is volunteering. Guess that's all for now :)

Adventures in Infertility - A New (and Hopeful) Beginning

So my visit to the doctor was actually really great. I found out today that I'm not pregnant. Yes, that was depressing... but not as depressing as I thought it would be. Dr. Billings was awesome. Must more helpful and kind than Dr. Bozeman could ever dream of being. At least now I have a game plan. I'm going to share it... so please don't read if you don't like the following words: period, ovulation, ovary, uterus, vagina... or any other female related words... or if you don't want to know about my reproductive organs and what my plans for them are.

My infertility game plan:

1. I am going in at the beginning of Nov. to have a hysterosalpingography (HSG) ran. In this test they will inject dye into my uterus and do a series of xrays to determine if my uterus is normal shape/size and if my Fallopian tubes are clear and free of scar tissue. The HSG must be ran on the 10th day of my cycle... meaning I have to start my period for it to happen. I was due to start today, but haven't yet. Dr. Billings does not want me to go past the beginning of Nov. without my period. If I don't get it by Nov. 1st I am supposed to call his office and get Provera to bring on my period.

2. If my HSG comes out normal they will do blood work and start me on Clomid.

3. Dr. Billings wanted to do 3 months of Clomid to see how it worked then he would refer me to a Reproductive Endorcinologist (RE) BUT since the RE is going to be in Minot in November (he only comes once every quarter) he went ahead and gave me a referral for a consultation! This made me really really happy... I'm not going to have to wait around forever in order to get things moving. Everything is going to be set up and moving relatively fast.

4. The RE will be able to help me more than just and OB/GYN because, like the name says, they specialize in reproduction.


If any of y'all ever have any questions please let me know... I'm pretty open about this stuff... and the more you know, the more you'll be able to support me as I go through all of this!

I Can Taste How Bitter I've Become

So tomorrow is the "big" day. I have to admit that it definitely comes with a tirade of mixed emotions. On one hand I want to be hopeful that when I pee in a cup tomorrow and use the little dropper it will tell me that yes, finally I am pregnant. On the other hand I don't want to get hopeful. I know that if I start hoping I'm just going to be a million times more depressed when I find out I'm not.

There are other highs and lows to be had tomorrow. I'm also going back to the OB/GYN for the first time in over a year. I'm going to talk to him about getting more fertility treatments. Right now I'm not really on anything. I know what I would like to happen, but then again, I'm not getting trying to not get hopeful. I know what I want to happen most likely will not happen. So far on the road of getting treatments I've had blood work done and a pap/pelvic. My hubby has had his semen analysis.... I know there are more tests to be run before the doctors up here will give out Clomid. I want to get those done ASAP, especially if Thayer ends up getting deployed. I want to be pregnant before we have to deal with that. Yes, I now being pregnant for our first deployment isn't ideal, but when you've been going through this process... it doesn't really matter when you get prenant it is "if" you get pregnant. I'll take whatever I can get, even if I have to do it alone. I'm prepared for that.

Tomorrow I want to find out what our next step should be. I want to get Clomid ASAP, I want Provera so I can make sure I'm having a period every month. I know what I want... now I just have to go about getting it.

As for the title of this blog... the last few days I've felt really down. Nothing "bad" has happened... no one has made me upset. I'm just dealing with a lot of emotions right now. Honestly it was 100% easier when I knew I wasn't ovulating because then I had no hope at all. Sometimes "hope" drives me crazy, and I know that sounds crazy. It gets really hard when you hope and hope and hope for months on end only to have nothing to show for it. Eventually you start to lose faith in hoping. I've been feeling more and more upset and yes, I will fully admit that I'm bitter. A lot of what I'm bitter about I can't even write about because I don't know whose toes I will step on. I'm bitter because there are women out there that are having babies that 1. don't take care of them/appreciate them 2. that are doing drugs or abusing their children 3. can't afford the kids they have and my money is going to help support them when they just keep popping more and more babies out.... Honestly, I could go on and on about the things I'm "bitter" about... but mostly I'm bitter because so many women have what I want. I want to be a mom... I LONG to be a mother. I know I would be an amazing mother.... but I don't know if I will ever have the opportunity to fulfill that dream.

Tomorrow is another day... and I hope it's sunny... because I don't think I could handle a dreary day. Tomorrow will be rough and I might need a shoulder to cry on.

Slammed the door and said, "I'm sorry I had a bad day again."

So I'll be the first to admit that I've been a moody bitch today. Probably PMS.

Today is my two year anniversary with my husband. We had a wonderful anniversary. We drove down to Bismarck and stayed the night. The steak I had at Texas Roadhouse was knock your socks off delicious! After dinner we went back to the hotel and played in the pool and relaxed in the hot tub. It was great to just take a break from life together. That night I got really sick with a horrible migraine. It was the worst I had had in months. I broke out in a cold sweat, was sick to my stomach. It was pretty awesome. I woke up in the morning and felt alright. We went to eat lunch at Qdoba. Super yummy gianormous burrito... so good! Then we drove out to Papa's Pumpkin Patch. We spent some time just goofing off and we each picked out a pumpkin. We came home and carved our pumpkins with the help of the dogs. Mine is Boo from Super Mario Bros. and Thayer carved a howling wolf. They look pretty awesome when they're lit up.

Today has just been a bad day other than it being our anniversary. I've felt sick off and on all day. I'm incredibly tired. I'm really moody and my boobs hurt. I know some of you are thinking "OMG, sounds like you're pregnant" but I'm not going to get my hopes up at all. I know if I do that I'll just feel a million times more disappointed when I find out I'm not. Right now, I'm just trying to put it all of my mind. I know I've been feeling like a bitter bitch all day I have these mean thought that I normally wouldn't think running through my head and it makes me mad at myself. I'm not a mean person, but damn... I go back to the doctor in 5 days and we'll see what he says about getting started on more fertility treatments. Aunt Flo is supposed to make her appearance on the same day. There is a really good chance the next few days I'm going to be in a bad mood.

Ten Days

Ten days until good old AF is supposed to arrive... Ten days until I go back to the OB/GYN and start to move down the path of infertility treatments again. Ten long, agonizing days. Ten days doesn't seem like that long of time, but when you're waiting to know if your biggest dream might be coming true, ten days feels like an eternity. Ten days until I know if I might become a mother or ten days until I once again feel like a complete and total failure. Ten days until tears of sorrow or until tears of joy. Ten long long days.

So I had a dream the other night that I was pregnant, but it was a tubal pregnancy. It wasn't caught in time and my fallopian tube ruptured and caused all kinds of yucky stuff, not to mention the loss of my "dream" baby. In my dream, my friend Brianna was also pregnant and I had to go with her for her first ultrasound on the day that I found out my baby was dead. (She was found out she was having a boy.) I woke up crying and scared. It was a good dream for Brianna because she is going through infertility as well... but it was devastating for me. It felt so real... like my "baby" really had died and I was sitting there watching someone else get everything I had ever wanted. (Sorry Brianna... you know how it is so I know you won't be upset with me for saying that I hope!!)

Faking Myself Out

So... I think that ovulating and knowing it is a double edge sword. Though I don't think we did the deed at the right times to make a baby, there's always that chance with a few hours difference here or there that it could have happened. *sigh* Now that I know I ovulated I keep thinking "what if." I also keep feeling these signs that say I might be pregnant. I know my mind is telling me that my hormones are probably just off and making me feel this way, but my heart is saying "please, please, pretty pretty please?" I won't go into details, but this is so hard. It was almost easier knowing there was no chance. I know this 2 week wait (now less than 2 weeks) is going to be hell... and then when the test comes back negative I'm going to cry and cry and sit at home for a few days wallowing in misery.

Hunger Strike...

I have to have the weirdest dog ever. Myst is currently on a hunger strike because Kaia got new dog food and she wants it too. Myst has to be on a special dog food because she is prone to getting bladder stones, which, if she does get them, it will require surgery. She doesn't really "like" her food, but she usually eats her 1/2 cup twice a day with no problems. She's eaten maybe a cup since I got Kaia the new food. I know she's not sick, she's just stubborn. (Don't know who she got that from... lol). She'll eat when she gets hungry enough. My dog is such a brat! lol

I should really be going to bed, but I've been having trouble sleeping again. Last night I had a really weird dream too. Not sure what to do about the sleep situation because I definitely don't want to be on anymore medication.

I really need to get cracking on some homework this weekend. I've been procrastinating so bad this semester... 10 time worse than my other semesters. I think that is the biggest draw back to taking online classes.

Sometimes I really worry about my parents. I'm scared that one day I'm going to wake up and one of them is going to be gone. My mom went to the doctor today and found out that her blood pressure medicine wasn't working at all anymore and that was why she has been feeling so crappy like ALL summer. Today her blood pressure was 180/100.. which is AWFUL!! Much higher than that and she could have had a stroke or heart attack. I'm also worried because she smokes and like 7-8 years ago they found pre-cancerous cells on her vocal cords, which was most likely caused by smoking. I want her to quit so bad. I want her to be able to see her grandchildren grow up. I also worry about my dad. He had partial blockages in her arteries a couple years ago and had like a warning attack. It wasn't a heart attack, but he body was trying to get his attention and tell him that something needed to change. I just don't know what to do and I feel so helpless at times because I'm so far away. I'm not there to kick their asses into gear. When I was still living at home I would make them "heart healthy" meals out of the American Heart Society cookbook and things, but that's all gone to the side now that I'm gone. I just want them to be around for many many more years.

I mean I know I'm not perfect and I need to do a better job... but geez. I eat pretty health most of the time, I just have trouble dropping the weight because of the PCOS. I'm sure some people think that I use that as an excuse, but they should do some research before they start to judge. I would LOVE to lose weight and I try hard to, but nothing seems to work. I usually eat about 1500 calories a day and I walk and play with the dogs and things. I also do either a "Shimmy" or "Bollywood" exercise program a couple times a week. You would think with that something would happen, but I've been at a standstill for almost a month now. Before that I had lost about 10lbs. It's just so frustrating when it just stops!

Go Ovaries!

So I have good news to report... and yes it is about my ovaries. Apparently they decided that they would like to work this month! I know for many working women, working ovaries is a common occurance, but when you're dealing with PCOS it is not. I'm 95% positive I have not ovulated since LAST November. Maybe all my body needed was a little kick start from the Provera... who knows. I'm 99% sure that I ovulated all on my own this month which is fabulous news! I wasn't taking my temp. anymore and I didn't pee on anything (lol for once) so I'm not completely sure. I did, however, have all the symptoms of when I used to ovulate... the little cramp on the side, really sore boobies, a little moody... All telling me that my hormones spiked and popped out a little egg-ie. All of the symptoms came at the same time as 14 days into my cycle which is when you're supposed to ovulate. I'm super excited that my body did something right for once. I know there's pretty much no chance of getting pregnant this month because we weren't expecting me to be ovulating because I never do... so we didn't time *cough* things right for there to me much of a chance. Even though there isn't much of a chance I'm just excited that my body is working better now. I'm sure being back on the Metformin (1250mg) has helped as well. I can't wait to go back to the doctor on the 21st even though I know I'll have to go through some uncomfortable tests, I'm ready to be a mom!

Pop-Up Video.... or Life.

So this is just randomness... be prepared!

+++ I finished the novel, The Book Thief. It was pretty awesome. I would definitely recommend it to everyone! It's about a girl who is placed in foster care in Germany during WWII and is told from the Death's point of view. I am now reading Pride and Prejudice and Zombies. It's really quite humerous. I might find it some of it more interesting and funny because I've taught it before.

+++ I went shopping today at the BX and Commissary. I got lots of groceries and some bones for the dogs. Things got a little bit interesting at the BX, but that's all I'll say about that. I also ran into Martha at the BX.

+++ I've started playing World of Warcraft with the husband again. We are playing with some guys from his shop and their girlfriends. It's interesting playing with people that he knows. In that past I've played with strangers who then became friends. It's nice to be back playing again and talking to all my old friends from the game.

+++ I bought pregnancy tests today, just the really cheap ones. I want to make sure I have some on hand when we start back to serious baby making. I probably should have bought a box of Kleenexes or two so that I could use them when I'm crying my eyes out when they come back negative.

+++ I applied for a job at the CDC on base. I've applied in the past but I seem to have trouble getting a job on base because I can't claim "Spouse Preference." I've also applied at the school districts for aid jobs, but I'm told that I'm over-qualified. I just want a job. I'm kinda being picky about where I apply because if Thayer does end up deploying I want to go back home and that will require me to quit the job.

Wishes Happiness Was As Contagious as the Clap

I think that everyone being down and depressed on Facebook and other outlets is seriously effecting my mood. I can't really ignore them. I have to be a friend and try to be understanding, but where do I draw the line? I'm not talking about those that occassionally say "Life sucks, etc." I'm talking about the ones that have to find something to bitch about in every single status update they make. More people need to turn their frowns upside down. There is always something positive in your life if you look at it. Yeah some things may suck, I know that better than most, but it's all how you look at it. If you dwell on the negative then of course you're going to be uphappy. I know I used to be this way. I used to be the Queen of Negativity, but I'm trying to turn over a new leaf. I want to be happy for once and look at the positive side of things. Life is to short to be unhappy all the time.

The good things in my life:

1. My loving husband. Yes he has his moments when he's a jerkface, but I know he loves me.

2. My friends, both new and old. I miss my old friends from my hometown and from college, but the ones that really matter are still my friends no matter how far apart we are. And my new friends, I have to admit I have finally met some pretty awesome ladies up here in North Dakota.

3. My awesome parents. I just want to say that my parents rock my socks. My mom is my best friend and I'm so glad that we have such a wonderful relationship.

4. The rest of the family. Most of them are pretty awesome :)

5. My super awesome dog Myst and Thayer's pain in the ass Kaia. Myst has been my rock and baby for over 6 years now, and I don't know how I would have gotten through some things without her.

6. Food to eat. I have food to eat. Enough said. I can be happy for the little things in life.

7. My house. I love my house other than the stupid tile.

8. Good books. I have read so many good books in my life. Some funny, some inspirational. Who couldn't be happy about good books?

There are a lot of other things in my life that make me happy.

Determined

So this month I am determined to have a good... no GREAT month! So far it has been a good month, though it just started.

Oct. 16th is Thayer and I's anniversary. The last 2 years have had their ups and downs. I'm not going to lie... we've fought, we've yelled, we've said mean things to each other, but we have also loved, cared, hugged, kissed, and grown a lot closer. It's amazing how the one thing that makes me so sad can actually make a marriage that much stronger. Battling infertility has changed my view on so many things. I know that going through this battle together is only making our relationship stronger. I love my husband. I may bitch and complain about him at times, but I will always love him and I couldn't imagine my life without him in it. I can't wait for us to have children. I think a child can be one of the ultimate forms of love. A child is a way for us to be together forever, even after we're gone, our love will always be carried on. For our anniversary I'm thinking about getting us a couple's massage from the spa downtown. lol That would be a treat for both of us and a day that we can relax and just enjoy being together. I'm sure I could use some down time.

I go back to the OB/GYN (a different one this time, thank GOD!!) on Oct. 21st. My bought with Provera is over and I'm curious whether I will ovulate this month. I'm betting not. I'm also curious if good old AF will visit me in a timely manner. I just want my body to get all straightened out again like it was when I first went of BC. Hopefully, Dr. Billings will finish up my testing and start me on Clomid. I'm so ready to get the ball rolling again. I'm also planning on having a wine night at my house prior to this doctor's visit. I want to clear all of the alcohol out of the house and really commit to this baby making again. I had kind of given up because I knew I wasn't ovulating, but now that there might be hope and a chance of getting pregnant I want to be prepared. Also, I'm not supposed to drink on my medicine (oops lol). Alcohol also does funny things to women with PCOS. We're kind of like diabetics in that aspect because of the insulin resistance. I will continue to cross my fingers and hope for the best because there isn't much more than that to do.

I'm sure there are other things going on this month, but at this early hour (1:35am), I am drawing a blank.

School is going well. After this semester I will be over half way done with my Master's program. I'm set to graduate December 2011.

We should hopefully know something about Thayer possibly deploying by the end of the month. I hope we know something soon because it effects my plans for school

Just Another Day...

So the last few days I have been loaded with homework. It was mostly my own fault because I procrastinated for entirely too long. I got it all done and submitted on time. So far I have a 4.0 in Grad school so I'm very proud of myself.

The weekend I have some things going on. Saturday I'm going shopping with Martha and Cristina and out to breakfast/lunch.

I'm currently reading a really awesome book called The Book Thief. It's set during WWII and takes a unique look at the situation between the Jews and Nazis. I definitely recommend it to everyone. It's technically a YA novel, but it is a book that everyone can get into and find something they relate to.

Thayer and I's anniversary is coming up. It's been an interesting 2 years, but I don't think I would change any of it. I love him, and at times I don't think that he even realizes how much I love and care about him.

Blah Blah Blah - Random stuff

This is going to be a blog of random tidbits.

1. I found out that Tricare covers IUIs... so that's good. Those are normally around 5k or more each. They didn't use to. When I first started looking at my options and what was covered by our insurance they only covered a portion of it (aka the medications). I'm glad they cover it all now. They also cover a portion of IVF. IVF on average is 10-15k. If it's done at a military training facility then they cover more because you're their guinea pig to learn how to do it.

2. I went on a really long walk with Martha, Kenobi, and Kaia tonight. The mosquitos are still awful! Why won't they just die already!?

3. Things are getting better with the Provera situation. I'm not cramping as bad and only need medicine a couple times a day instead of every 6 hours or so.

4. Thayer and I had a bit of a disagreement tonight. We're just butting heads about some things that we don't even know will happen. I just want to wait and cross those bridges when we get there.

5. I've been starting to think about the holidays. This time of the year always seems more lonely to me because I don't have family around. I'm so used to all the get togethers and big dinners. I hate cooking a big Thanksgiving dinner for just Thayer and I. Maybe I should see if some other couples want to have a family Thanksgiving or Christmas dinner with us. Is that what military families do? I don't even know. Last year we just had some random meal. Thanksgiving and Christmas were pretty just like any other day. I miss the special feelings. I feel bad that I'm not there to watch my one and only nephew on Christmas morning. I think the hardest time of the year when you're in the military is Nov - Jan (January because of my birthday.) I'll get through it. I always do :)

6. I went up to 1250mg of Metformin today and didn't die or spend the day in the bathroom. I consider this a small victory.

The Ramblings of an Insomniac

So, once again I'm up. It's the middle of the night, I'm dead tired, but I can't sleep. I have this thing where my mind just goes and goes and goes and goes... and it won't stop or shut up long enough for me to lay down and fall asleep. I think about the most random and at times, mundane crap imaginable. I'm not sure what to do. I've tried re-adjusting my sleep schedule. I've tried taking my medicine at different times. I've tried taking tylenol to help me relax. I'm just not sure what to do next. Both dogs are sleeping soundly.

Thayer had to leave to dispatch very early today. I know he'll come home tomorrow tired and grumpy after working all day out in the field. I at least hope the weather is nice again. He'll be even more grumpy if he gets rained on. I don't know what time he'll be home tomorrow. Days like that are rough because he wants dinner when he gets home, but I never know when that will be.

See... now I'm rambling about random crap that's popping in my head at 2:09am.

I've been watching Netflix all weekend, mostly season 6 of Grey's Anatomy because I missed most of it and was pretty lost when the new season started up.

Kaia has been a pretty good girl this weekend and Myst is always a good girl. I bought here a little mini staircase so she can use it to get up and down from the couch and the bed. I don't want her jumping off anything and hurting her knee again. Plus, she is getting older. She turned 6 in May. Kaia's first birthday is coming up in November. She's calming down a lot. I noticed a big difference in her after we got her fixed. She's just incredibly stubborn, but that's typical of a northern breed. She does have a really good disposition though, and I was intentionally rough with her to get her used to things that kids might do to her like pull her ears and tail, poke her, etc. Everyone tells me how beautiful she is. Kaia is the beautiful one and Myst is the one that is just cute as a button. I really oughta enter them in the "cute pet" contest at the vet on base. The prize isn't much, but might be worth a shot.

I had a rough weekend with all the horrible cramping. It seems like it has eased off in all regards. Hopefully it will be over in the next couple of days. I hurt like hell so I just kept putting off my homework. I will be swamped the next couple of days with it, but it gave me time to relax while my body was going crazy.

Ok, I'm done rambling now. Have a good night (morning)!

Infertility is not for the weak!

** Disclaimer: some of this may be TMI **

So, I have decided that this whole getting pregnant thing, I'm going through way more hell than Thayer. Because of my PCOS, I'm going through significant emotional and physical stress.

Physically, there are the medications. The first one I was placed on was Metformin. It all began fine, then they ramped me up to 1500mg a day. This made me ill. I was nauseaous and had the poops... so they reduced it down to 1250mg. I did better on this, still had the poops, but the nausea was gone. I stayed on this for months and months. I literally had the diarrhea for like 8+ months. Then about April I gave up. Before we could progress any further in our fertility treatments, Thayer needed to go in and make a donation of his "little soldiers." He kept procrastinating and finding excuses as to why he couldn't accomplish this. I think 1. that he was scared that there might really be something wrong with him and 2. that he didn't want to believe that we were having trouble starting a family. It was a hard pill for him to swallow. It seemed like it took me forever to get him on the same page as me. He kept saying that he wanted to start a family, to have a baby, but I couldn't get him to commit to going in and having his analysis run. So after months of having the poops I decided to say fuck it. Why should I have to endure that if he's not willing to jerk off in a damn cup? My periods were already starting to be jacked up, and after going off the Metformin, they became really jacked up. Thayer did finally go in and do his business. He came back 100% okay, just as I predicted.

The second medication is Provera. Provera is the devil... again I say... Provera is the DEVIL! Provera is bascially hormones (Progesterone) that helps to regulate your period. You take it, and then a couple days after your last pill you are supposed to start your period. The doctor put me on this because I had been on my period for about 3 weeks - Yes, this means bleeding for almost 3 weeks straight. While on the Provera it stopped and then when I went off it, the next day good ole Aunt Flo came back... and that bitch came back with a VENGENCE! OMG, I normally have cramping but a Provera induced period is something that you can't really comprehend unless you have been there. At times I can literally feel contractions, that's how hard I cramp. It's brutal and I have a REALLY high threshold for pain (I walked on a broken foot like 3 days after I broke it because we didn't know it was broke). Last night, I was hurting so bad even after taking 800mg of Ibprophen and laying on a head pad that I was in tears.

There are numerous other aspects of physical hell that come along with PCOS, but that is for another blog.

After you get past the physical torment, there is still the emotional torment. I'm just going to provide you with a few examples:

1. Feeling like a failure - You feel like a failure to just about everyone. The first person, your husband. Sure, he loves you, but you can't give him a family and can't be sure that he will ever be able to have a child of his very own. You feel like you're letting him down and depriving him of something. You also feel like you're letting your parents down. You want so bad for them to have another grandbaby, someone else for them to love and dote on, but your body just isn't letting you have it. Lastly, you feel like a failure at being a women. I mean, originally what were women put on this earth to do? "Be fruitful, and multiply." Well... infertility kinda take me outta that "multiplying" equation.

2. Feeling in adequate - You feel like you're inadequate, that somehow you are less of a women because you cannot have children.

3. Feeling bitter and jealous - You constantly feel bitter and jealous. Bitter because you can't have a child (at least not right now) and people that don't deserve one can. By don't deserve one I mean people who will abuse their children, or expectant mothers who take drugs or drink alcohol. Then when you get past the bitterness there is the jealousy. You're jealous of women that have children and take what they have for granted. You're jealous of women who are pregnant just because they're pregnant and they have what you want. (I know it sounds petty, but it's true.)

4. You can't watch TLC without being pissed off or crying your eyes out - You can't stand to watch all those damn baby shows because all you can think about is "Damn it, why can't that be me??!?" Then you go back to being angry and bitter!

5. Frustration - You feel frustration on many levels... Level 1: "Why won't they damn test just so 2 pink lines already." Level 2: "Why the hell can't people understand what I'm going through?" Level 3: "Fuck Everyone!" lol No but really, a lot of frustration is involved. Your frustrated with yourself because you're "broken." Your frustrated because your life isn't going how you planned. You're frustrated because people don't understand and a lot of them don't even try to understand. You're frustrated with people telling you to "relax" or to "not stress" or that "it will happen when it's meant to happen" or "get drunk, everyone gets pregnant when they're drunk." None of these little gems of advice is going to make my jacked up ovaries magically pop out an egg. Believe me, if getting drunk and being a drunken bitch every single day for the next month could ensure that I got knocked, you can bet your sweet ass that I would be a drunken bitch every single day.

I could go on and on and on... but I hope those of you that care (or even those of you that don't) can understand me and my disease a little better. Also, if you ever have any questions, feel free to ask. I'll tell you all about my jacked up ovaries and hormonal imbalances!

DONE D---O---N---E

I'm done, I've had it. I'm sick of being nice only to be attacked and stabbed in the back. I'm sick of people talking about me behind my back when I've done absolutely nothing to them. I'm sick of people being so unbelieveably unsupportive of me and my struggle with infertility, especially those that have been there them fucking selves. I guess they forgot what it felt like to try every month when their period started and what it feels like to be a fucking failure because you can't start a family. I guess they forgot what it fucking feels like to have other people rub their kids in your face. I'm done trying to be friends with people I'm done being nice. I'm just going to be a bitch. Fuck y'all and good fucking night.

Mum's the word

So there are a lot of things I want to get off my chest, but I know that I would step on people's toes so I won't. I'm frustrated, pissed off, irritated, disgruntled. I'm sick of fake people and even sicker of stupid people. I guess I'm not a very likeable person. I try hard, I really do. I'm just quiet until you get to know me. I always have been. I have trouble opening up and letting people in because I've been burned too many times in the past. I'm just me and you can take me or leave me. I'm sick of trying and putting myself out there only to be hurt time and time again. I just want to curl back up and stop trying. I'm sick of people acting childish and expecting to get away with it. I'm tired of being the nice one and the one that always has to try and patch things up. I'm sick of always having to be the bigger person. Why can't someone else put on their big girl panties? I try not to care, but I do... deep down I do care, but I'm not willing to conceed yet. You were the one in the wrong and you continue to be in the wrong... so keep going ahead and spreading your rumors and glaring. Karma is a bitch and eventually you will get what is coming to you.

Military Wives... Where do you belong?

Categories of military wives… as explained by the non-fiction book Army Wives by Tanya Biank.

1. The shit stirrers – The gossipers. The wives who lives seemed so shallow and silly; they never volunteered for anything. They never cooked a hot dog or washed a car, but they never stopped talking crap about somebody or something. These women just didn’t have enough to occupy their days.
2. The drama queens – The wives who embellish their sagas for the sake of attention.
3. The whiners – The wives who always have something to bitch about. These women are so absorbed in their own woes they never stopped to think that all the wives were in the same fix. Didn’t the whiners know that sergeant so-and-so was an equal-opportunity annoyer, and that chances were good their husbands weren’t the only ones getting shit upon? There was no assuaging a whiner. The whiner’s trademark is “my husband.”
4. The rank puller – Wives who loved to wear their husband’s rank, as if they too, had taken an oath to defend the Constitution.
5. The ass kissers – Wives who are usually married to ass kissing men, and as an ass-kissing couple they would smooch the hide of anyone who might get them ahead.
6. The shining happy people – The perky, cutesy shining happy people who had perk, cutesy marriages and perky, cutesy kids and always a perky, cutesy story to share.
And finally...
7. The “I’ve-got-my-shit-together-club” – Women who could handle themselves and who had control over their house and children. Women who made the best of it, who were stable and strong.

bark yell bark yell

Ok.. the barking has now gone on for 2 hours... you're out in the yard half that time. Shut your dogs up. Some people's husbands are trying to sleep. Also, its after 9pm and you're kids don't need to be yelling and screaming like wild banshees. I know dogs bark. My dogs don't. They were trained not to... but these dogs bark all the time and at everything. Anytime they are outside they are barking. If the wind blows, they bark. If a car drives by, they bark. Bark Bark Bark... If this continues I think I'm going to make a phone call or go talk to them. It's getting ridiculous, especially if you're outside and you don't do anything about it. lol That is my vent for the evening...

The Life of a Housewife (against her will)

Cook, clean, laundry, dogs, sex, cook, dogs, clean, dogs, clean, cook, sex, dogs, laundry, *OMG I'm ovulating* sex, sex, sex... An endless, boring, unstimulating cycle. *sigh* I need a job, but I don't want to drive all the way to Minot for a low wage, and it seems that I can't get on anywhere on base because I don't get to claim spouse preference. I could substitute, but I have to pay for my Missouri teaching license and THEN pay for my North Dakota one... and would it really be worth it if we're only here for 2 years? Blah... I need a job, but I'm scared of getting something that will be too much and take too much time away from school. I also want to be able to go home every so often, and I wouldn't have a lot of time off in a lot of positions. I just feel stuck. I hate sitting at home, but then again I don't want to have to lock Kaia up all the time... but then again, eventually I'll have a full time teaching job. *confused* Thayer also said he doesn't really want me to get a job because he'd rather have me at home where he can spend time with me when he has time off. There is also the fact that Thayer is thinking about taking a voluntary deployment, which means I would move back home for the duration of his deployment instead of being stuck up here... especially if it's in the winter. I need something to do... a job from home, a hobby... something. I would LOVE to work from home, but I don't want to be a consultant for some product like Scentsy or MaryKay. Maybe I could learn how to make something and start selling it? Maybe I should start working on my novel again? I just don't know what to do with all this free time I have. I've worked since I was 17 and I just feel so lazy... I wish I could just get knocked already so I could focus on a baby and just relaxing so I could make sure to have a healthy baby... *sigh* what to do, what to do... We don't really need the money... but extra money is always nice.

Someone Has a Case of the Mondays, but It's NOT ME!

So I think today is going to be the start of a wonderful week. *shocker* for once I'm being optimistic instead of pessimistic! Maybe my happy pills are working?! Anyways, Thayer is home sick again today because his medicince was making him fall asleep at work. He did, however, come home and tell me that he wanted me to go to the BX and buy him nicotine patches so that he can quit smoking. After almost 2 years of marriage he is finally going to keep his promise to quit smoking! I'm so excited and happy for him! I know he'll be healthier after he quits.

Also, on the good news front I'm going to have Thayer call today or tomorrow to make his appointment for his analysis so we can move further on the baby making front. After his analysis comes back I can go in and have more tests run on myself. After his results come back they will schedule me for an exam that makes sure that my falopian tubes are open and clear and that my uterus isn't tilted. I'm pretty sure that Thayer is okay, but there is always a chance that working with the nuclear missles could have messed up his sperm count or motility. I guess we'll know soon enough. After all the test are done being run, I will start back on my Metformin and probably, Clomid. I hope to God that the Clomid works for me. When I first went off my birth control last year I was ovulating on my own, but Thayer's swimmers weren't finding the egg. So I'm hoping that it won't take much for me to start ovulating again.

I also have good news on the weightloss front. I've lost about 5 pounds since I got back from Kansas. I don't know if it's water weight or what, but the scale is saying that I've lost 5lbs! I've been watching what I eat, eating more fruits and veggies and less "bad" stuff. I do treat myself once or twice a week though.

Tonight I'm going to dinner with the ladies, Connie, Martha, Brianna, and Cristina. I think we'll have a wonderful time! I'm glad I'm finally making some friends. I've really enjoyed taking Kaia on walks with all the ladies. Kaia really likes Kenobi and loves walking with him! It's really funny how pissy Myst is when we get back from our walk because I didn't take her with us. I know she couldn't handle an hour or longer walk with her knee being the way it is. Usually when I get home with Kaia, I'll put Myst on her leash and take her for a walk around the block so that she feels special too. Myst is my baby, and I love her to death! I'm so glad we got her the surgery. She still limps at times, but she plays more and you can tell she's not in pain like she was before the surgery. I don't know what I would have done without Myst; she's my little girl!

Small Victories

So Thayer and I have been going around and around since October about him going to the lab and making his "donation" to be tested so we could proceed with fertility treatments. Today I finally got him to agree to do it. lol I had to bribe my husband. I told him he could get a video game (StarCraft II) IF he called next week and scheduled his appointment to go in and get his little soldiers tested. I realized today that I'm pushing 26 and I want to be done with this whole having babies thing done by the time I'm 30-32. I can't believe I had to bribe him, but I guess whatever works. Once he goes in and gets his little swimmers tested I can go and get the rest of my tests run and then start on Clomid and HOPEFULLY get pregnant in the next year. Here's to hoping.

Kaia and I have started going on walks with Martha and her dog, Kenobi. I really enjoy going and I know that taking an hour or more long walk everyday or every other day has to be good for me. I've been eating a lot healthier (for the most part) so hopefully the walks will help me drop a few pounds. I bought a scale yesterday so that I can track the progress that I'm hoping to see. Once I get used to the long walks I think I'll start adding situps or something else to the workout when I get home.

*Yawn*

Lazy day today. Thayer has been working late the last few days. It's weird to be home alone all evening again. He should only be working late for the rest of the week. The only annoying thing is, when he does get home he goes directly to his computer to play his game and completely ignores me the rest of the evening because he "wants to relax." lol I wasn't aware that someone couldn't relax while sitting on the couch cuddling with his wife.

Myst is doing well as is Kaia.

There's not a whole lot going on. I start Fall classes on the 23rd. I have one final project to finish for the summer semester. It shouldn't take me long, I'm just putting it off because I don't really want to do it. Guess I could finish it tonight while Thayer is gone.

That's it for now :)

Big Changes Ahead?

I'm thinking about getting the Lap Band surgery done. I've been doing research about it and some other options. Diet and exercise just aren't working and I don't know what else to do. The military would pay for it 100% if I had it done and it can be reversed and taken out if I ever want it to. It can also be deflated so if/when I do get pregnant I will be able to feed the baby.

Any and all advice is welcome unless you are going to tell me to 1. Relax 2. Don't Stress 3. God will make it happen when it's meant to be.... because 1. relaxing doesn't help when you have a disease and it's hard to relax when you take medicine everyday that makes you feel like shit and reminds you that you're infertile. 2. not stressing doesn't help when you have a disease. 3. Don't EVEN get me started in religion...

Poetry by Me

Nostrils flare, inhaling the cold, crisp air.
A longing, a sadness fills me.
The blustery weather penetrates my coat.
My exposed skin dewy with moisture
From frosty drizzle and warm, salty tears.
My core becomes hollow
As I gaze upong the etched marble rock.
I lean and place the flowers.
Their cheerful clors do little to drown the dreary atmosphere.
I stand there for a moment, tears trickling down my face.
Waiting for a comfort, a peace to sweet across me that never arrives.
I turn to walk away.
I can bare the sight no more.
The stone looms as a blatant reminder of your absense.
I pause mid-step and close my eyes.
I turn my head upwards
Willing the sun to shine upong my face once more
To offer a small stream of hope,
But the light continues to fade.
As my eyelids open once more
The wind picks up, catching my hair,
And a raven streaks across the sky,
Squawking it's lonely cry.




If eyes are the window to the soul
Then yours would be the darkest shade of gray.
Hatred consumes you, leaving nothing but a bleak void.
Those you "love" are dragged into the pit as well.
You cling to the damp stonewall of the hell you fashioned
Waiting for a rescue that will never come.
You shriek and howl,
But the words cannot penetrate your desolate cell.
Desperate now, you claw the walls
A futile attempt to make an escape.
Graduatlly your hope and sanity dwindle.
The horrid world in which you reside
Holds no truths; they were washed away by lies.
You sit captive, struggling against yourself.
You curl into a ball in the dreary, dim corner.
Drops of agony stream down your face.
Your prision fills with the salty tears,
And you let out a lonesome wail as you drown.

Dear Baby

I read that somewhere that writing a letter to your future baby can be healing and helpful for those dealing with the pain of infertility. So I wrote this letter a while back. I'm not sure it helped and boy did it make me cry!

Dear Baby,
Everyday I dream of you, of holding you in my arms and loving you. You aren't even here yet, not even conceived yet... and yet, I still love you so much. Sometimes the pain is so hard to endure knowing I may never get to see your face, hear your giggle, or kiss your boo boos. Mommy and daddy love you so much and we wish you were here with us. I hope that one day I'll get to hold you. If and when that day comes you will know love like no other child has known. You will be treasured and loved beyond words. I'm so ready to meet you, feel you grow inside my tummy. Maybe our day will be soon. I hope so. Mommy and daddy are starting to get impatient and we're ready for you.

Love,
Mommy

Quick Update...

So Thayer and I have been married nearly 2 years now (Oct. 16th). We have been trying to get pregnant for a little over a year. PCOS is a bitch, and Thayer... well I think he's about a chapter behind me in the book of life when it comes to baby making. I have lived in Minot about a year and a half now. I still don't like it up there and I don't think I ever will. I love Kansas/Missouri. I miss my friends and family (well most of them). I'm back home visiting right now. I didn't really understand just how much I missed my friends and Springfield (college life) until I went there to visit. Hopefully in 2 years the economy will be good enough that Thayer can get out of the AF because I don't know how much longer I can last as an Air Force wife. I thought I knew what I was getting into when I got married to him... but boy did I have no clue. I had this notion that military wives/families formed this bond and became like a real family (you know, like the shit you see on TV). NOT TRUE... it is a COMPLETE work of fiction. I have found out that most military moms won't talk to you or socialize with you unless you've popped a kid out of your vajayjay. There is more drama on a military base than there ever was in my high school. Most military wives think I'm crazy for going to school and getting a degree because I'm apparently supposed to be barefoot and pregnant all the time. They think I'm even MORE crazy because I have no desire to be a stay-at-home mom. Whatever. Oh... and I'm also done pussyfooting around trying not to piss people off. Stupid people suck. Immature people suck. I'm currently going to school working on my Master's degree in Special Education - Learning Disabilities. Online classes are a bitch... and taking 9 credit hours of Graduate classese during the summer is a mistake I will NEVER make again. Thayer and I have 2 dogs, Myst and Kaia. They're cute and a handful. I'm sure there's more... but it is bedtime so I can get up in the morning and work on more homework... yay! *rolls eyes* Sorry for the ranty moments... :-P