It's Hard Not To Give Up

So another cycle has come and gone and ended in failure. I was so positive. I was so upbeat. I was so optimistic. Now I'm just defeated. I thought that surely the Clomid would be that little boost we needed to get over the baby-making hump. I guess I shouldn't have assumed that for once my life might actually be made of rainbows and unicorns shitting butterflies.

I started spotting on Thursday and knew then that it was all over even though my temp hadn't dropped yet and my boobs still hurt like mad. Friday AF came in full force. My cramps were killer. Even after taking medicine they still woke me up in the middle of the night curled up in pain. Thayer warmed my rice heat pad up for me and laid and talked to me and held me during the worst of it. I was crying partly because of the pain and partly because it was another failed month. Another month that I was broken. It also means another month of trying, of timed intercourse, of a medicine that makes me feel ill. It's more and more of the same with absolutely nothing to show for it. It's so frustrating and heartbreaking and sad. Through my tears I told him I was sick of hurting every month and that maybe we should just give up. Maybe I should just go back on birth control and we should forget about trying to have a baby. He just looked me in the eyes and said, "We can't do that. We've already come too far to give up now." At the time, I was probably having a moment of weakness, but I would be lying if there aren't times when I think about giving up and throwing in the towel. At least if we weren't trying anymore and knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that there was no chance then I wouldn't have to endure the endless heartbreak any longer. I'm not sure where things will go in the next few months. We do have a lot to think about as far as school and careers.

Killer Boobs **TMI**

**TMI Again**

My boobs are so unbelievably sore! I think I'll be sleeping in a sports bra tonight. I think/hope that, that will help. The sorest part is the nips. Just the fabric of my shirt rubbing on them causes pain. Tomorrow will be 9dpo. It still is probably too early for any of this to be pregnancy related because implantation doesn't usually  occur until 6-12 days after ovulation with the most common day being 9dpo. At least I know my progesterone is staying up. My temp is still up. All this means that I'm still in the game this month. I'm trying not to think about it too much because I know there is absolutely nothing at this point I can do. Really, since my body is working and producing eggs, as long as we have sex at the proper time there is nothing more in my power I can do to try and get pregnant. I know it is only a matter of time but it still seems to be taking forever. I still don't understand how anyone can accidentally get pregnant, because stars almost have to align for it to happen.

I've had a little cramping and pressure today as well. I've also been hungry today. Earlier about an hour after I ate I felt like I was starving. I was SOOO hungry. I feel hungry again right now. This is a little weird considering I rarely feel hungry since my surgery. I'm not sure if that means anything or not. Either way, I'm still holding out hope that it is only a matter of time. I hope that my mind and body aren't playing tricks on me this month, I guess we shall see on Friday which is my testing day. (13dpo).

*fingers crossed*

**TMI to follow, read at your own risk**

I'm definitely still holding out hope for this month. Today is 7dpo. The only reason I know this is because I track my bbts. I'm not stressing over it. Today Kaia bumped my boob and I seriously thought my nipple was falling off. It hurt so bad. My breasts were also itchy. I know this could be from the progesterone. I also had a couple of hot flashes today. Again, this could just be the progesterone. Lastly, I was nauseous twice today. Once right after eating breakfast and the second time this afternoon after I ran to Wal-Mart for a couple of things. This could also just be from other hormones. I'm keeping hope though. I really want this month to work out. We did our thing at the perfect times. 3 days before ovulation, the day before ovulation and the day of ovulation. It doesn't get much better than that.

I asked Thayer after I ovulated if I needed to have a pep talk with his swimmers. I told him that if they couldn't find the egg this month they needed to stop and ask for directions, buy a map, or get some GPS. I don't think he found this humorous.

Beam Me Up

Today I was on a forum for women TTC and someone shared this song. I really touched me. What I wouldn't give for one minute with my angel baby. What I wouldn't give to see her face. What I wouldn't give to just look in her eyes, see her smile, and hold her close. I don't know what I will do when I finally meet her, but I know it will be a wonderful day. I will probably do just as the song says, stare in awe with complete love. I would love just a few minutes where I felt I didn't have to be strong anymore. I would love a few minutes where I could have some release instead of putting on a happy face even when I'm feeling down. I still think of our baby often. I still love him/her. I always will. I still don't know how to answer when people ask me if I have children, but then I feel like the only thing I can really say is "no." Sometimes this hurts and feels like I'm dismissing our beautiful first child. Sometimes I wonder if I'm neglecting him/her by saying that.

Beam Me Up

~Pink~

There's a whole 'nother conversation going on
In a parallel universe.
Where nothing breaks and nothing hurts.
There's a waltz playing frozen in time
Blades of grass on tiny bare feet
I look at you and you're looking at me.

Could you beam me up,
Give me a minute, I don't know what I'd say in it
I'd probably just stare, happy just to be there, holding your face
Beam me up,
Let me be lighter, I'm tired of being a fighter,
I think, a minute's enough,
Just beam me up.

Some black birds soaring in the sky,
Barely a breath like our one last sigh
Tell me that was you, saying goodbye,
There are times I feel the shiver and cold,
It only happens when I'm on my own,
That's how you tell me, I'm not alone

Could you beam me up,
Give me a minute, I don't know what I'd say in it
I'd probably just stare, happy just to be there, holding your face
Beam me up,
Let me be lighter, I'm tired of being a fighter,
I think, a minute's enough,
Just beam me up.

In my head, I see your baby blues
I hear your voice and I, I break in two and now there's
One of me, with you

So when I need you can I send you a sign
I'll burn a candle and turn off the lights
I'll pick a star and watch you shine

Just beam me up,
Give me a minute, I don't know what I'd say in it
I'd probably just stare, happy just to be there, holding your face
Beam me up,
Let me be lighter, I'm tired of being a fighter,
I think, a minute's enough,
Beam me up
Beam me up
Beam me up
Could you beam me up.

1DPO

So I'm pretty sure I ovulated yesterday. I'm not 100% sure though. I never got a positive OPK, but this month I had to switch brands and learned that the ones I bought aren't as sensitive as the ones I was using before. I did have a temp rise this morning, but I also got up later than I usually do. Yesterday was CD18 so it would have been pretty typical of me to ovulate then. I usually ovulate around CD17-18. I don't know if Clomid made a difference this month. We did baby dance pretty much perfectly (1 day before and the day of ovulation). This month I used SoftCups again. I also have been taking B12 to help with my lining. I've also been taking my iron and multi-vitamins/prenatals. We couldn't have done things any more perfect. I know even with everything timed correctly there is only a 20-25% chance that we will get pregnant. I just wish it would happen already. I know I should be happy that I'm finally ovulating on my own. There are plenty of women out there that aren't that lucky. One of these days it will finally be my turn. I just wish that day would hurry up and get here already.

I really need something to finally work in my favor. I really need to get pregnant this go around or next month so I'll be ready for teaching jobs come next spring. I know it sounds ridiculous to be planning that far ahead, but I have to think about the future. I can't put my life on hold anymore waiting and hoping to be a mother. I just have to keep plugging away and know it will happen when it happens.

365 Days... Surgiversary

Today is my surgiversary. One year ago I embarked on a journey that has changed my life beyond belief. In the last year I have gone from wearing a size 22 to size 10. I've lost over 100 pounds. I'm happier and healthier. I'm more confident. My back rarely hurts. I enjoy exercising and can do an hour of cardio at a time. I still have my issues like when I look in the mirror I still see a person weighing over 200 pounds. In the last year I've only gotten sick twice. I credit that to the weightloss as well. I've had no complications other than the standard vitamin deficiencies, which have now been taken care of. Most importantly, however, is the fact that I am now ovulating on my own and on my way to becoming a mother again. I know that when I do get pregnant I will have a much healthier pregnancy that someone who is morbidly obese. All my risk factors for blood pressure issues and gestational diabetes have now been virtually eliminated. I can't begin to explain how much better my life is from a health standpoint. This really was one of the best decisions I ever made and I don't regret it for one second.

Tokens of Fertility

A couple of years ago a woman I met while my husband was stationed in Minot learned about our troubles in trying to have a child. She had experienced infertility herself with her last child (she had just had her 4th). Secondary infertility was really hard for her to deal with, especially when the other 3 were so easy to conceive. After hearing about our troubles, this fellow military wife gave me a gift. She gave me a fertility goddess necklace that someone else had passed down to her. She felt it gave her good luck in getting pregnant as she was finally able to conceive within a couple cycles of wearing it after an extended time before. I was so thankful for her gesture I cried and she cried and we hugged and cried. This all happened right before we were getting ready to begin our first medicated cycle at the beginning of 2011. I wore the necklace, things went well and I conceived on our second cycle of Clomid (while wearing the necklace).

Prior to our first medicated cycle I also purchased a fertility bracelet for myself. It is made of different stones that are thought to increase fertility as well as having a charm for the same purpose. At the end of the blog I will explain all of it with the pictures if you're interested in reading all of it.

Now, that I've explained all of this. The other day I was looking through my jewelry box and came across my bracelet and necklace. I immediately put the bracelet on, but held off on the necklace for some reason. Last night, I started feeling "superstitious" for whatever reason and decided that I had to wear the necklace as well. I will not take it off until I have my dream. Thayer helped me put it on last night and I hope that once again it will bring is good luck.

Just like the women before me, once I have gotten pregnant and carried my baby to term I will find another woman to pass off my fertility goddess necklace. I already have a few people in mind if I happen to get my dream before they do.

On a separate but related note, I'm worried about the future. I keep thinking and planning ahead and this is just causing me a great deal of worry. Let me explain. I will graduate in December with my Master's in Special Education. This spring I will begin looking for and hopefully get a fulltime teaching position as a Special Ed teacher. This being said. If I get pregnant in the next 2 cycles I will have the baby during next summer and will be okay to start school immediately in the fall as a teacher. If I do not, however, I will be due in the fall which isn't good when trying to land a teaching job. I mean really, what school wants to hire a teacher that couldn't work the first month of school or would have to take maternity leave at the beginning of the first semester? This really throws things off. So, do I keep trying for my dream to become a mother or do I put things on hold after 2 more cycles to set up for a teaching job? I could really use some advice!

Tonight is also my last night of taking Clomid. The side effects haven't been nearly as bad as before. I've had a few hot flashes and some headaches and a couple of bouts with nausea. All and all, much better than when I was on it before. Onward and upward with the baby dancing soon!


Now, more about the fertility necklace and bracelet for those interested...

Fertility Goddess Necklace - it is in the shape of a pregnant woman. The pearl represents the head and the turquoise is the pregnant, extended belly. With this particular one, most people wouldn't know it was a fertility necklace unless I told them, and I'm thankful for that.

Explanation of Stones:
Turquoise provides protection, grounding, strength, courage, love and luck.Turquoise is also a token of friendship. Perhaps it's strongest ability is for alleviating negativity. Many Indian tribes associate Turquoise with fertility.
Freshwater Pearls: Symbolize tears, provide love and fertility as well as the prevention of negative events.

Then I also have the bracelet. I think it's pretty and most people would just think of it as fashion jewelry. Again, it doesn't look like anything fertility related. Mine is made up of 3 different types of stones: Moonstone, Aventurine, and Clear Crystal Quartz. It also has a charm on it of a butterfly.

Explanation of Stones/Charm:
Moonstone has a reflective and calming energy by balancing emotions due to stress and anxiety. It is said to have the power to grant wishes. Moonstone is often used for fertility and infertility as it is said to regulate a woman’s menstrual cycle and boost female energy. Moonstone is a love stone, and is said to draw love to its wearer. It can help solve problems between lovers. If it is worn during sexual intercourse, it not only can make the woman very fertile, it is said to help impregnate her too. In addition Moonstone is used to promote grounding, protection, sleep, luck, selflessness, hope, clarity, and safe childbirth.

Aventurine is is used to encourage pregnancy and enhance fertility. It is considered a the stone of love, which can boost all feelings and emotions, and also promote optimism and self-confidence. It is also believed that this stone can help to win over the heart of the loved one. It is also used to promote friendships, happiness and increasing luck.

Clear Crystal Quartz is a stone of power. It has healing, protection and balancing properties. It is also used in maintaining your body’s immune system.

Butterfly charm is a symbol of the fertility of the earth and rebirth. It is believed that butterflies are actually spirits that bring the hope and promise of rebirth and new life.

One Day Down...

I started my meds last night and so far so good. I haven't really had any side effects yet, but that doesn't mean I won't over the next few days. If I remember right, the last time I was on it the side effects didn't really start until 3-5 of taking the meds. I hope that, that isn't the case this time because I'll be at my internship on those days and I don't want to be miserable when working with challenging children. I don't know how good my patience will be when I'm feeling under the weather. I'm hoping for the best, however.

I'm really trying to have hope that this will be our month. I'm going to try not to think about it and just try to "relax." lol. Did I seriously just say that? It would be really good timing if I were to get pregnant this time around because I would be due in June and I would be ready to start school and teaching in the fall right away. It would be really bad timing if I were to get pregnant a few months from now and be due in August or September. I'm not sure what school would want to hire me if that were the case. *sigh* Why can't I just be normal?

On a side note (TMI warning), I think the increased vitamins really helped my cycle this month. I had a slightly heavier period. It was spotting for one day, medium flow for 2 days then light flow for 2 days. That's much better than 2 days of spotting, one med. flow, 1 day of spotting like it has been the last couple of months. That just lets me know that my lining is thicker because there is more "flow" being released.