Rounding Out the Last of the 2ww

As of today I believe I am 11dpo. My temp is still high (98.6) as compared to preovulation (97.9). These are good signs. My boobs (or nips to be more exact) are still sore. More so the last couple of days than before. Also, on 8dpo I woke up in the middle of the night and dry-heaved for about 2 hours. Because of my surgery, I can't really throw up unless I ate/drank sometime immediately before because my pouch empties out so quickly. Since then I have been feeling sick to my stomach off and on. Just a kind of blah, slightly nauseous feeling everytime I eat or drink something.

The last few days of the 2ww are always the worst for me. I wake up. Stick the thermometer in my mouth and wait for the disappointment of seeing the temperature go down. The last couple of months my temp drop happened on 12dpo and AF came on 13dpo (CD1). I really have been wanting to test, but have been doing my best not too. When I wake up in the morning I immediately rush to the bathroom to pee so I'm not even tempted by my FMU (first morning urine). I know for certain it would be too early to show a positive with anything other than FMU. lol. I know it sounds silly, but it is better than torturing myself. If I got a negative I know I would just think "Oh, it's too early." If I got a positive I really don't know what I would do besides freak out. I know I would be scared to death that I would lose the new baby too.

So there it is...

I'm keeping my fingers cautiously crossed and hoping for the best. That's all I can do right? It's not up to me anymore. Again, I've done my part. I ovulated. I've been taking care of myself. It is out of my hands at this point.

Felt Good to Forget

So this last cycle I kind of said screw it and didn't really keep close track of things like I usually do. I took my Clomid CD 5-9. I did a few OPKs but didn't keep doing them until I got a positive. To be honest, I had a lot going on and I completely forgot. Thayer and I just BD'd every other day like usual. It was a lot less stressful. I had ovulation pains and then a temp rise a day later. So I know I ovulated. As of today I'm either 7 or 8dpo. It really felt good to just relax and forget about it for a while. Maybe that will be the trick.

Thayer and I celebrated our 4th anniversary on October 16th. I had parent/teacher conferences that night so we didn't really do much except go to dinner the night before. He bought me a dozen roses and had them delivered to the school. That was really sweet.

This weekend we went home for a visit. My mom and I took my nephew to the pumpkin patch. He had a great time. I love spending time with him. He's so cute and smart, though he can be a handful at times. We also had family pictures done. The last time we had family pictures done was when K (my nephew) was about a year old. I think after my sister passed away we really learned the value of having those memories and being able to look back.

Days Come and Go

This year will be my second year participating in the Wave of Light for Pregnancy and Infant Loss on October 15th. As many of my readers already know, I lost our first and only baby in 2011 to a miscarriage. It was difficult, and I'm not going to lie, sometimes it's still difficult. We have now been trying for over 3 years to have a successful and healthy pregnancy to no avail. Maybe our time will come this month. I still miss baby Hope every day. I probably will always miss her. As time has passed things have gotten easier, but I still have my moments of sadness. I think about next month would have been baby Hope's first birthday or this would have been baby Hope's first Halloween. It's difficult not to think about things like that. I know I sound like a Debbie Downer, but I miss my baby. I want to be a mother. Either way, I hope you all will join me in participating in the Wave of Hope at 7pm in your time zone. I know I will be lighting a candle and remembering baby Hope tomorrow night.

Maybe this will be our month. I'm pretty sure I ovulated today. I got a positive OPK today and I felt killer ovulation pain (think ice pick stabbing you where your ovary should be). I always have ovulation pain, but it gets really bad when I'm on Clomid. I will tomorrow morning if I really have ovulated or not because I will see if my temp rise has happened yet. Either way, we have the BDing bases covered.

Tuesday is also Thayer and I's anniversary. We will have been married for four years. Sometimes it feels like it has been forever and other times it feels like we haven't really been together that long. I think we're just going out to dinner on Tuesday night after I get done with Parent/Teacher conferences. We already got out anniversary present. We bought a Keurig that we have been using the crap out of. I absolutely love it. I make tea, cider, hot cocoa, and yes, coffee in it! Best investment I have made since getting my Dyson.

Next weekend we are going home for a visit and to have family pictures done. I'm looking forward to seeing my parents and (some) of my family. We haven't been back since August, which really isn't that long seeing as we used to go a whole year without seeing them back when we were stationed in Minot.

This week is also going to be difficult and sad. It is my last week at my internship. It is going to be so hard to say goodbye to the kids I've been working with this year. There are some that I've grown really attached to and that have grown really attached to me as well. One little guy I work with for almost 2 hours a day one-on-one. He is very worried about me leaving and keeps asking me to stay. I really wish I could. If we could afford it I would stay for the whole semester, but the truth is I really need to get a job. I am now waiting on my Praxis results (Teaching Certification Test). They should be here no later than the first week of November. I took the test last Friday and the results take up to around 3 weeks to get. I'm pretty sure I passed it, but there is still all this anxiety that comes along with taking a test that will determine your employability. I've been applying for a few jobs that I've seen open in the local area. There was one teaching job and there have been a few paraprofessional jobs. I'm going to call on Tuesday to make sure the school that had the teaching job open received my application. I'm crossing my fingers that I will at least get an interview. In some ways, I know it is kind of a long shot of me getting the job because I don't technically graduate until December, but once my Praxis results come back and are processed by DESE (Missouri Department of Elementary and Secondary Education) I will be certified to teach Special Education even though I don't have my degree yet.

On yet another exciting note, I have booked my boudoir photosession. I can't wait! I'm so excited. I have some awesome, sexy outfits to wear and got an awesome pair of stilleto heels to rock. The photoshoot is going to be at an old historic bed and breakfast that has different theme rooms all decorated in a Victorian style. It is going to be amazing. I'm going to get my nails and makeup done. If I'm going to do this, then I'm going to do it right!

I Love What I Do

Today was one of those days that I just absolutely love what I do. One of my kiddos at my internship wrote me a note at home and gave it to me today. It said that he was going to miss me. He also said thank you and that I was the best teacher in the whole world. I seriously about cried. All school year I have worked with this kiddo one on one for almost 2 hours each morning. I know he's going to have a hard time when I read. He mentions it each day and tells me he doesn't want me to leave. :( I love knowing that I'm making a difference in the lives of children. I couldn't ask for a better, more rewarding job. I'm sad that next week is my last week at my internship. I have learned so much and love all the kiddos I work with. It has been an amazing experience, and I have gotten to know so many wonderful educators! Never once have I doubted my decision to become a Special Education teacher. I love every minute of it. Even when some of the kids are having a bad day or one of them is have a lot of behaviors, I still love it.

Tomorrow is going to be a big day. I am taking my Praxis exam for Special Education. It is the teacher certification test required by the state of Missouri to be a teacher. I'm not really worried too much. I'm pretty sure I will pass it with no problem, but it still is a VERY important test. (Not to mention it costs $139).

Tomorrow I am also officially applying for my first Special Education job. It is about an hour or so away from where we live, but it is probably one of a very, very few teaching jobs that will open up in the middle of a school year. I'm crossing my fingers. I'm not sure if they'll consider me because I won't have my official certification for about a month. Here's to hoping though. I also found out that the teacher I'm interning with will most likely be moving to St. Louis this summer so her job will be open. She said she would be sure to let me know. I know that I would have an "in" because the teachers, principal, and Special Ed. director all know me.

Here's to hoping something finally goes right in my life. I deserve to have some great things happen.

Apples to Oranges

Sometimes I get really aggravated when people try to compare two things that really aren't alike at all. Here are a few examples of what I'm talking about.

- I have had many people compare them working on getting their Associate's degree to me getting my Master's. These, my friends, are apples and oranges. I have an Associate's degree. I know the work it involves. Yes, there are difficult times, but all in all it was pretty easy. You show up to class, you do the homework, you get a grade, end of story. Not saying that these people shouldn't be proud of their accomplishments. I'm not saying THAT at all. I'm simply saying the time and dedication it takes to receive an Associate's degree is less than it takes to receive a Master's degree. Surely this makes sense to most people. Logically, an advanced degree is going to take more effort than a, for lack of better words, basic degree. There is a reason that full time for a Master's program is only 9 credit hours and full time for Associate's and Bachelor's are 12 credit hours.

- Another one is infertility. I know people that have been struggling with infertility for years. Yes, I feel for them to a certain extent. But in some cases part of their situation is their own fault. In a few situations the couples do not have insurance that covers any treatment (this is pretty typical), but instead of saving money they go out and spend it on frivolous things. That would be find and dandy... that is their choice... until they compare their journey with mine. I firmly believe if you want something bad enough you will do anything in your power to try and attain whatever it is you want. I work tirelessly on trying to become a mother. I've saved up money for different things. I've planned ahead and know what treatments will cost and how we will go about affording them. I do all of this because I WANT IT BAD. Going out and wasting your money on stupid shit, then saying "I don't have money for treatments" is just asinine. If you want it bad enough you will save every penny. You would be willing to do anything in your power to become a parent. That is where the apples and oranges come in. I'm willing to do anything to become a mother, including having my insides cut apart and rearranged whereas these people aren't willing to say no to that new tattoo or new car, etc.

There are others, but these were the two weighing most heavily on my mind at the time. I won't apologize for what I've written. I'm not sorry if it offends you. This is the way I feel.

For When I'm Feeling Discouraged...

Tonight beings another month of pill popping to try and get pregnant. Maybe this will be the month. I found a few images of inspiration for when I start to get discouraged or defeated.

 

 

 

It's Hard Not To Give Up

So another cycle has come and gone and ended in failure. I was so positive. I was so upbeat. I was so optimistic. Now I'm just defeated. I thought that surely the Clomid would be that little boost we needed to get over the baby-making hump. I guess I shouldn't have assumed that for once my life might actually be made of rainbows and unicorns shitting butterflies.

I started spotting on Thursday and knew then that it was all over even though my temp hadn't dropped yet and my boobs still hurt like mad. Friday AF came in full force. My cramps were killer. Even after taking medicine they still woke me up in the middle of the night curled up in pain. Thayer warmed my rice heat pad up for me and laid and talked to me and held me during the worst of it. I was crying partly because of the pain and partly because it was another failed month. Another month that I was broken. It also means another month of trying, of timed intercourse, of a medicine that makes me feel ill. It's more and more of the same with absolutely nothing to show for it. It's so frustrating and heartbreaking and sad. Through my tears I told him I was sick of hurting every month and that maybe we should just give up. Maybe I should just go back on birth control and we should forget about trying to have a baby. He just looked me in the eyes and said, "We can't do that. We've already come too far to give up now." At the time, I was probably having a moment of weakness, but I would be lying if there aren't times when I think about giving up and throwing in the towel. At least if we weren't trying anymore and knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that there was no chance then I wouldn't have to endure the endless heartbreak any longer. I'm not sure where things will go in the next few months. We do have a lot to think about as far as school and careers.