Patience is a Virtue... MY ASS!

So... Good news and bad news. My period is officially late. I'm still having "symptoms" and my temperature is still elevated. Bad news -- BFN on 10 and 11 dpo. I realize that it probably way to early... but I just want to know. I hate all of this waiting. I was thinking about just going in today and getting a blood test, but decided against it. I don't want my doctor to think I'm crazy... even though I really am going crazy. I have no signs of AF starting. I guess that's a good thing. I have also lost like 4 pounds in the last 4-5 days. I was on a plateau before all this started and was loosing inches, not pounds.

 I hate that it takes so long to know one way or another. I get hopeful... then I POAS and got sad... hopeful again because symptoms are still there then POAS again and depressed again. This is sooooo nerve wracking. I'm ready to just know one way or another. Sunday I will be 14dpo. If I don't have a positive by Monday then I guess I will see about getting into a doctor down in Missouri.

I know I need to get on the progesterone as soon as I find out I'm pregnant. I'm not going to lose another baby do to the negligence of another doctor. So... maybe I'll have some news but the time we get our internet hooked up on Monday.

On a side note: we are moving tomorrow into our new place. I'm mostly excited about it. I'm going to try not to lift anything too heavy just in case. Thayer is also cut off from sex because having sex in your first trimester can cause uterine contractions and make it more possible for a miscarriage. I'm not taking any chances. He has two hands anyways :)

Interesting dreams...

So earlier this month I wrote a blog about having a dream that we were pregnant (Dreams Can be a Cruel Joke). I had this dream shortly after having my period and right before Mother's Day. I didn't really think much of it other than it was a sad dream, and I hated waking up from it because it meant that it was only a dream. Another person stuggling with infertility mentioned that maybe it meant it was going to happen soon. I doubted that that might be true as well. I passed it off as a dream that was conjured because it was what was on my mind before I went to sleep. It was right before Mother's Day after all.


Today, however, my grandma came over and told me about a dream she had last night. She has dreams or visions from time to time. She had a dream where I had a child and the family tree was growing. It is interesting and almost ironic considering everything. A lot of the time her dreams/visions come true. One example was one day she came over and asked if my one cousin and his wife were expecting a baby. My mom told her no, not that we knew of. Less than a week later, my cousin called to tell everyone that they were pregnant. This cousin is on the other side of the family and not related at all to my grandmother. (He is my mom's nephew and this grandma is my dad's mother.)


I just found it really strange that we both had dreams. I'm still having symptoms, though I'm trying to just go with the flow. I've been having some achey cramps. I'm beyond tired. I slept for over 8 hours last night and woke up feeling exhausted. I really want a nap. My breasts are increasing in soreness. It's so hard to not get my hopes really up. In my heart I know I must also be prepared for disappointment. I know I will be okay either way. Life will go on. It would be strange to get pregnant when we aren't even trying after trying desperately for over 2 years. I suppose that's the way things go though.

Uncertainty... 8dpo

At this point in time I'm really unsure about how to feel. I'm stuck between feeling hopeful, scared (petrified), or preparing myself for disappointment. I really don't know how I should feel. I cried this morning because I just felt so overwhelmed by everything. Let me explain my current state of emotional upheaval.

I ovulated 8 days ago. Yay! My ovaries worked 3 months in a row. I ovulated on CD17 so that was good. I'm currently in the middle of my two week wait, 8dpo. Now be warned... some of the following may be TMI... I woke up yesterday morning with a great deal of cervical mucus. It was white and fairly sticky. I never usually have noticeable CM after a day or two post ovulation. Additionally, it had a tinge of pink color to it a couple of times. My nipples have also become very sore and sensitive. My temperature is still elevated, though it usually drops about 24-48 hours before I start my period. I also had a little cramping followed by a dull ache for about 4-5 hours yesterday morning. At this point, I think you might all know where I'm going with describing all of these symptoms. If you go back to the month I got pregnant in 2011, these are all exactly the same.

Sometimes I'm not sure if my mind starts imagining things because it is something I want so badly. I'm sure how anyone that knows me well could see where I would have a lot of conflicting emotions.

Mostly I'm scared. I'm scared to be hopeful. I'm scared that if I am I will lose the baby again. Things just seem overwhelming. I know we were supposed to wait, but would "oops" really be so bad? I'm trying to just let things happen. I know I won't officially test until after we get moved. I want to wait the full two weeks.

I would also like opinions and advice. Please, please comment. I need to feel good about this one way or another. I know it wouldn't be the best timing. I'm trying to have hope. I'm trying to relax and be optimistic that things will work out for the best either way.

Oops...

So if everyone else in this world can have an "oops" pregnancy why can't I? Is it bad that I almost hope that I counted days wrong? Is is bad that I hope we have an oops? I know it wouldn't make some people happy... but I've waited long enough. Sure the timing wouldn't be the best. Sure it would be better to wait, but I've been waiting almost 3 years to be a mom. I know this month we weren't the most careful. We should be because I'm still supposed to wait until September. Oh well. I don't know what else to say other than that. I've quit losing weight really fast so I think  it will be okay if anything should happen. The likelihood is still pretty low. I talked to Thayer about it and got his opinion. He feels that, though it wouldn't be the best of timing, we would make it work. He said he isn't going to stand in the way of fate and if it's meant to be right now and it happens then he won't be upset. I was worried at first that it might upset him and make him mad.

Either way, I'm done making plans in my life. Like I've said before, they just get all messed up anyways. From now on I'm flying by the seat of my pants.

Lately, there have been other loops thrown into my life. Now that we're moving back to Missouri, things are going to be a little bit different. All my college friends and pre-marriage friends are down there. It will take all of us some getting used to that I'm married (and so are some of them). I know at least one of my friendships makes my husband slightly uncomfortable, but it is my opinion that he'll just have to get over it. I am really good friends with one of my ex's and he happens to live in the same town that we are moving to. Thayer doesn't like to show it, but I know on some level this bothers him because he has been cheated on in the past. I've been friends with this individual for years now and I'm not about to stop being his friend now. He's a good guy and a good friend and that is what matters to me. Yes, we were in a relationship before. Even after we broke up we were "friends" for a couple of years, even while he was in relationships with other girls. (I know... tisk tisk bad Mary). Does this make for an interesting dynamic? Yes it does. But his friendship means the world to me, because whether he knows it or not, even though he broke my heart a few times, he really helped me out at other times as well. I don't know how I can make Thayer more comfortable with it. Right now my friend isn't really even that interested in meeting Thayer because he knows it will be awkward and uncomfortable.... I just don't know.

A Visit From Closure

A Visit from Closure

By way of the setting sun Closure has come.

He rapped softly upon my door, and I welcomed him in unlike some.

Come sit by my hearth. We'll chat for a spin

About the past, but never about what might have been.

We spoke of the good times, the laughs and the fun.

We spoke of the bad times, or hurts that can't be undone.

We spoke of the hopes and dreams we once shared

The dreams that were shattered and can't be repaired.

We talked about what to do next, how to move on,

And how I shouldn't feel empty just because you are gone.

"Be thankful," Closure advised, "that he changed your live so.

Remember all the good times and know when to let go."

I reminded myself that my heart will not always be broken.

That the pieces shall mend, but my lingering love must remain unspoken.

Treasure the pieces that still belong to you with care and try never to forget

The love and trust we shared that first moment we met.

Yes, Closure came to my house I must say with a tear and a sigh.

I did not want to let go, and I yearned to know why.

He left silently; he knew just the right moment to leave.

Alone once again, but I felt no need to grieve.

I gingerly wiped my tear-streaked face

Knowing that the love I have for you I can never replace.

But as the sun was setting once again

My future no longer looked bleak, and I knew I had a new chapter to begin.

Figuring Things Out...

Fierce Ovulation

Boy, my ovaries are kicking my butt this month. It feels like I'm being stabbed repeatedly with an ice pick. No bueno... but I guess I really can't complain since it means they're working all on their own! Thayer and I were off on our timing again this month. I ovulated on CD 17 and it threw me off a little with counting. Oh well... what happens, happens. I'm done planning and trying to figure things out because it always goes wrong anyway. I make plans and something always throws them off. From now on I think I will just wing it. Hell... what more could get messed up? We will know one way or the other around the 3rd unless AF rears her ugly head earlier.

A few days ago I had a little scare and I'm debating whether I should see my doctor or not. I had a hypoglycemic episode. I had all the symptoms around 2am. I went downstairs and ended up drinking some juice and eating a cheese stick and felt better in about 10 minutes. Also, it seems like a lot of times after I eat I get really fatigued and just feel like sleeping. I'm not really sure what is going on. At first I thought I might be low on some vitamins so I started really watching what I was consuming and up-ed the amount of vitamin supplements I was taking, but that doesn't really seem to be helping. I could be anemic or maybe I am having problems with my blood sugars.

It looks like I'm on track to graduate with my Master's in December. Right now it looks like I will be completing it in either Nixa or Republic since Springfield Public Schools are a bunch of jerkfaces. I'm glad that I will be able to finish. It's later than I had planned (thank you USAF), but at least I will have a chance to find a job this spring as a teacher and get everything settled.

I also just got the call that we were approved to rent the house we wanted in Republic. We will be moving in on June 1st. The house is only about 2 years old and is really nice. I'm excited to have a place of my own again and get all my stuff back. It's a 2 bedroom, 2 bath home. That's big enough for Thayer and I.

And Another Year Passes



I wanted to share this image because it describes so much of what I feel. I love the child I lost. I love him or her like no other. I never got to meet her. I never got to hold her. I didn't know her name. I didn't get to count her fingers or her toes. I didn't get to see her face on a screen. I don't know what she would have grown up to be. I don't know anything about her... yet I love her. I love her like I've never loved anything in my whole life. I would gladly have traded my life for hers. I will always love her. I will never forget.

I also love the child(ren) I have yet to conceive. I have loved them since we started TTC. I have changed my life in preparation for getting pregnant. I know because motherhood hasn't come easy to me that I will never take my children for granted. I know that I will love and nurture my children with a greater depth than most can imagine.

Dreams Can be a Cruel Joke

Last night I had a dream. It was incredible... amazing... until I woke up and realized it wasn't true. I hate when you have wonderful dreams then have to wake up to reality and feel like a piece of you is missing.

In my dream I went into the bathroom and peed on a stick (pregnancy test for the non-infertiles). It was the digital kind. I looked away and looked back and it immediately said pregnant. Just like it happened last year when I really was pregnant. I was in shock. I didn't want to believe it this time. I was happy and scared all at once. I got out another test and took it again. It again came out positive. It was a dark positive. Still unbelieving, I took a third test. Again, this one was positive. I was elated, overjoyed, and petrified that this baby would die too. I called Thayer into the bathroom and all he could do was hug me, kiss me, and start to cry. Then I woke up.

What a cruel way to start Mother's Day weekend which is already the worst nightmare of an infertile/angel baby momma.

I woke up with such a heavy heart. I almost started to cry.

Going on 3 1/2 Years -- The Journey

I recently subscribed to a new online magazine called Still Standing. It is for women (and men) who have experienced pregnancy/infant loss and/or infertility. So far, since the launch on May 5th, they have had a few posts that I've really enjoyed reading. They are doing a Blog Hop and I'm choosing to take part in it. The subject for this this month's blog hop is "The Journey."

My journey began in 2009. We decided after had our wedding (we eloped Oct. 2008 and later had a wedding for our families) on June 5th we would go ahead and forego birth control. At that point we had been married almost 7 months. Because of my PCOS, we had anticipated it taking us sometime to get pregnant. I visited the clinic on base (Minot AFB) and was placed on Metformin to help keep my cycles regular with my PCOS. After going off birth control and going on Metformin my cycles were fairly regular for about 6 months. The first few months weren't so bad. We had hope that it would happen eventually, that it would just take some time. Then my periods started getting more and more irregular. It was like a cruel joke that mother nature was playing on me. Each month I would be late, each month I would take a test, and each month I would be disappointed. I would shed some tears, pick of the pieces and prepare to start over again for another cycle. It was a vicious merry-go-round that we couldn't escape. My husband, bless his heart, tried to understand. To this day, I don't think he fully comprehends everything because he's not the one broken.

About 5 months after we started trying I saw an OB/GYN for the first time to seek treatments. He basically treated me like shit and blew me off. He told me in not so many words, that I was fat and needed to lose weight. He refused to treat my PCOS, he refused to do anything until I lost at least 25lbs. I cried all the way home after this appointment. It was disheartening and made me feel even more horrible. He did order some tests to be done. Bloodwork for me and a semen analysis for the hubby. It took me almost 6 months to get the hubs to take his test. The first time they sent him to the wrong lab and by the time he got his sample to the correct one it was too late. The second time he went to the hospital and was going to do it while there to make sure it was a viable sample. Well, the lab proceeded to send him to a public restroom with stalls to make his deposit. He just couldn't do it (and who the hell could blame him!!). After that fiasco it took me a couple of months to convince him to try again. (His results were all normal, and confirmed that I was indeed the failure in our relationship.)

By that time, I had finally gotten the nerve to see another OB/GYN who was much more understanding. The new OB/GYN ordered a hysterosalpingogram for me to see if my uterus and tubes were okay. My uterus was normal and my tubes were open. The new OB/GYN referred me to the RE who visited Minot every 3-4 months. I went to see him and he basically told me that I had to lose weight as well before he would treat me because the success rate would be much better. Yay... once again I'm too fat to be a mom. My OB/GYN agreed to try me on Clomid for 3 cycles to see how I responded.

I started my first cycle in December 2010. It was a monitored cycle. I produced some really great follicles. We had timed intercourse. My OB/GYN offered to give me a trigger shot, but I wanted to try our first cycle "naturally" to see if the follicles would release on their own. They did around CD17. This cycle resulted in a chemical pregnancy.

We immediately went into our next cycle. I again was monitored and again produced some good folliciles. We decided since I ovulated fine the previous cycle we would again go without the trigger shot. I kept waiting to ovulate then finally I called my doctor around CD18 to tell them I had not ovulated on my own. He told me I probably wouldn't and to just wait until my next cycle and we would start again. I ended up ovulating late (CD19).

I conceived on Feb. 23rd. Yes I know the exact date. I found out March 10th that we were expecting our first child. After nearly two years of trying, our dreams were finally coming true... or so we thought. We told my parents and I blogged about it. We were sooooo happy!! We loved that child more than most people can imagine.

All of our happiness was cut brutally short, however, when I woke up spotting blood. I went immediately to the ER (alone might I add). They ran an internal ultrasound, but it was too early to really see anything. They did bloodwork that indicated my HCG levels were low for how far along I should be. They also later notified me that my progesterone levels were low. We were losing our dream. The doctors wanted me to pass our baby naturally. I wrote several blogs during this time. It was a very difficult time for me. I became very depressed. I bled for just over 6 weeks and it was a constant reminder that my baby was dead. I wrote about passing the baby in a blog as well. I now have a tattoo on my back in memory of my baby (and other important family members that have passed away). It has been a little over a year since we lost our baby and may people don't consider our baby  to be a baby. They believe he or she was just a group of cells. To Thayer and I... that baby was real. We never got to hold her, but we loved her nonetheless.

After losing our baby, I decided to make a drastic change. I decided that maybe I should listen to the doctors. Maybe I was too fat to be a mom. I decided to presue weightloss surgery as a treatment for my weight issues due to my PCOS. At first I was going to get the Lapband, but later decided that gastric bypass would be a better choice for me in the long run. I knew that having the surgery would mean having to stop TTC. I knew that we would have to put our dreams on hold for at least a year, but I thought that the benefits would definitely outweight the difficulties. I had my surgery Sept. 7, 2011. Since that date I have lost 90lbs. I also went off my BC recently to see if I was ovulating on my own. I found out that my ovaries are now working on their own! We may not even need treatments to conceive now. We are still making sure to wait our year of being post-op to try, but it is nice to know that my body is now functioning properly!

**Update 7/23/12 - I have now lost 101lbs. I have an appointment scheduled with an OB/GYN for August 16, 2012 to makes sure all of our ducks are in a row to start trying hard in September.

**Update 8/17/12 - I had my appt. yesterday with the OB/GYN. He's super awesome. He listened to everything I had to say and answered all of my questions. He really put my mind at ease about some concerns I had regarding my surgery and it's affects on TTC and pregnancy. He thinks that I am/will be fertile on my own because of the weightloss, but because of my history of infertility he agreed to try 3-6 months of Clomid (50mg on CD5-9). He thinks we will have a BFP by Christmas time!

**Update 11/11/12 - On CD15 of my third round of Clomid. I'm waiting on ovultation. I've gotten my LP up to 13-14 days which is much better than the 11 days it was hovering at. I'm starting to get concerned about my uterine lining as my period this last month was very light.

**UPDATE!! - BFP on 11/25/12 - 12dpo!!!!

**UPDATE!! - Found out 12/30/12 that we are having TWINS!!

This is just a glimpse into my journey. I have many, many posts about infertility and pregnancy loss. I linked a few of them in the body of this blog as well. I love comments and I'm open what people have to say. I write to try and help people understand and help other infertile women feel less alone. If I can/have helped one person than all this blogging has definitely been worth it!

Chaos Reigns!

So I have completed yet another semester of Grad school. I officially have one semester left. Unless I really bomb my finally projects I will still keep my 4.0. I already have my final grade in my Intro to ASD class and I got a 100% :) I earned 210/210 points for the class! :) I'm super happy about that considering everything that went on this semester. The entire time I've been in school things just seem like they are trying to throw me for a loop. A lot of chaos has happened while I've been working on my Master's, but I have still managed to keep a 4.0 GPA. Last spring it was the pregnancy and miscarriage and this spring it was moving half way across the country and Thayer getting out of the military. It's been a crazy couple of years to say the least.
I can't wait to graduate in December. I'm still working on getting my internship set up down in Springfield, but I have faith that it will all work out in the end. I'm going to call the director of special edcuation at the Springfield Public Schools in the next couple of days to make sure that they received all of my information. I'm doing everything I can to try and set this up. It's not fun having to do all this on my own. It was much easier when they set it up for me when I was working on my Bachelor's degree.

I've also started seriously house hunting down in Springfield. I'm ready to have my own house again and have my stuff! I'm finding some good deals down there. I hope that we can find a place we really love so we won't have to move again until Thayer is out of school! I want to settle down in a place for a while. Since I graduated from high school it seems like the only thing I've done is move. I'm ready to be some place for a while. Springfield may not be our pernament home. That really depends on where Thayer can get a job in his field, but I'm hopeful that we will be able to find a good place to live and raise a family after he is done with school. I'm excited about how cheap rent is!

I've really been thinking about and trying to decide when Thayer and I should start trying for a baby again. I'm really torn and unsure about what we should do. My heart and head are saying two very different things and I know know which one is right and which one I should trust. I guess I will just have to wait and figure things out as I go along and decide what will be best as things come up because everytime I try to make a plan things get really messed up.

Dropping Again

So I have finally gotten off my weightloss plateau (which is pretty typical to hit around the 6 month mark according to people in my support group). I have started dropping weight again. I'm now at the 90lb mark! I'm super excited that I'm losing again.

I said a long time ago that when I hit my goal and get done losing weight that I want to do boudoir pictures! I CAN'T wait to do this either. I want to feel gorgeous and sexy! I really want to do them before we move, but I think I'm going to go ahead and wait until I'm a year post op. Maybe that way they can be a Christmas or birthday present for a certain husband. :)

I really like how much more confident I feel. I have so much more energy. I tolerate the heat a LOT better. I just feel way more healthy overall. For so long I wondered if I had made the right decision to go down this road. I know now, for certain, that this was the correct path for me. I know I will be healthier over all and that will make me a better mom when I can start TTC again. Yes, I had to put off TTC and becoming a mother to get a million times more healthy, but it was the best decision I ever made. I can't wait to have a cute baby bump instead of just looking fatter. I can't wait to have a healthy pregnancy and baby. I can't wait to **hopefully** get pregnant all on my own without fertility drugs or other assistance.

International Bereaved Mother's Day

Today is International Bereaved Mother's Day. This is my second year taking part in the special day just for mother's who have lost babies and children. For the founders, it doesn't matter whether you held your baby in your womb or arms, to them you're still a mother. They know that you will carry that child in your heart always.

Recently I have been having more trouble coping with my infertility and pregnancy loss. I'm not even really sure why. It could be the influx of pregos on my facebook page that serve as a constant reminder of what I should have. (They have now been put on an "unsubscribed" status.) Self-preservation is now my goal and anyone who doesn't like it doesn't need to be my friend or in my life. I need to do what I need to do to get through the day and try to lead a happy life. If you can't handle that then the door is that way. ---->

I know that I will always be a mother. I knew the love of a child, no matter how brief it was. I even think that women who are going through countless infertility treatments deserve a special day.  They give up so much and go through so much just attempting to become a parent. This is more than can said about many babies.

Indeed, experiencing a pregnancy loss and infertility is something you can never quite understand until you've walked in that person's shoes. Even then, everyone experiences it differently. The emotions are slightly different, the stages thry go through might be different. It is not an easy path to walk, and so many feel they are walking it alone.

One day I will have my miracle... one way or another. Until that day I will always be a mother, my child was simply too beautiful for this earth. She is up there watching over me. I know she knows how much I loved her, miss her, and think about her.