Hope's Birthday

November 11th, 2011... 11/11/11... that was the day my life was supposed to change forever. That was the day Thayer and I's first baby was due. That was the day that we were supposed to become parents. That never happened. Instead God needed another little angel. Baby Hope was too beautiful for this earth and grew wings much too early. My life was forever changed. From the moment I saw that positive pregnancy test I was a mother. It took me 2 years to see those 2 pink lines. I thought for sure in 9 months we would hold our miracle. God had a different plan. I never knew how much I could love until I knew there was a baby growing inside of me. I had a whole new perspective. I will never forget our first child. I know she is up in heaven looking down on her little brothers. One day, when the time is right, the boys will know about their older sister. When the time is right they will know about all the fertility issues and how much we wanted and loved them before they were ever born.

 

It's been over 2 years since we lost Baby Hope, but on days like today I still listen to songs that remind me of that time and I still shed a few tears. Yes, as time passes it gets easier. I do know that it took me a long time, majority of my pregnancy with the twins, to bond with them. I struggled with getting close to them and feeling attached because I thought for sure, at any moment they would be taken away from me as well. Even after they were born and in the NICU, I struggled with bonding with them. I was just so scared to let myself feel all that love again, only to lose possibly lose them.

4 Months Flying By!

Well on the 18th the boys turned 4 months old. It's so hard to believe it's been that long already. They're such good babies! They sleep through the night and have for about a month now. They're doing really well otherwise. Today (Halloween) they had their 4 month checkup and shots.

Ronin is 9lb 10.5oz and 22.5 inches long.

Orion is 11lb 8oz and 24 inches long.

They're still small, especially Ronin, but they've come so far since birth.

As far as development goes, they are slightly behind where a 4 month old should be, but far more advanced than their adjusted age of 2.5 months. That's great! I'm so proud of them.

Recently Orion discovered is hands. He is fascinated by them. He'll look at them and move his fingers then bring them to his mouth and then back out to arms length. Then he'll wiggle is fingers. He's started gripping objects and moving them around. He also rolled over one time this last weekend, but he has yet to do it again. Most of the time he rolls to his side then uses his feet to turn himself in a circle. He looks like clock hands, going around and around.

Ronin is now self-soothing with his thumb. I'm not a big fan of thumb sucking, but I'm not really sure what I can do to stop a 4 month old from sucking his thumb. It makes him happy, so who am I to stop him. It will just be more difficult to break when he's older than a paci.

The boys also move around a lot in their crib. Right now we have them sharing a crib because it makes them happier to be near each other. The only problem with it is that some times they move so much that they're hitting and kicking one another. Silly babies. I'm not sure how much longer we'll be able to use just the one crib. The other is set up; we just don't use it at all.

Happy Halloween from Thing 1 and Thing 2!

In other news... I just got hired as a Special Education teacher. This is my very first teaching job! I'm so excited. It means we will get to move back to Kansas where all of our family is. We'll have a lot more help with the boys. Let's face it. Raising one kid on your own without family around is difficult... but two babies... is mind boggling at times. We've done well, but it would be nice to have a break every now and again.

A Letter of Encouragement

Please don't give up. Please keep going and trying. Believe me, even when it seems futile and you think you're going to go crazy, KEEP TRYING. I KNOW how hard it is. I KNOW how frustrating it is. I've been in your shoes. I've walked the same path you're walking now. I'm a stronger person for what I've been through. I'm a better person for all the pain I've endured. I love stronger. I gather strength from within and endure even when I'd rather just curl up in bed and cry. I'm a beautiful, strong, and kind person who is full of grace and compassion. I didn't get there by accident. I got there through struggles and triumphs. I got there by the battles I've fought and won, but also by the battles I've fought and lost.

Today, as I gaze at my little boys I know I wouldn't change a thing. I wouldn't change the journey I went on to get them. That journey made me the amazing, caring mother I am today. I FOUGHT for those babies. I cried every month for years to get where I am today. There were times when I wanted to give up and throw in the towel. I'm glad I didn't. This was the journey I was meant to be on. If I would have gotten pregnant right away I may not have these handsome little men to call my own. If I hadn't of struggled I wouldn't have met and bonded with some amazing women who I can commiserate with.

At times I let infertility define me. This is my journey. I now know that it doesn't have to define me, but it does help shape who I am. I am powerful. I am amazing. AND SO ARE YOU!!! Don't let your journey define you. It is just the path you're walking to hopefully get to your desired destination. Sometimes that destination isn't always the one we envisioned. Surely we didn't envision being probed by doctors to make a baby. Surely we didn't envision test after test, pee stick after pee stick to hopefully one day have a little one to call our own. This is not an enjoyable path. It is long, hard, and wrought with potholes. But in the end, it is all worth it. No matter your end result. Either you come out a victor with a child in your arms, or you come out a victor armed with knowledge and strength beyond what you could have imagined. Not everyone will have a baby at the end of the infertility journey. I wish everyone could have a happy ending, but we all know that won't happen. Please don't give up on your dream, because dreams come true every day and you never know what day might be YOUR day.

I would like to say it all goes away once you have your dream(s) in your arms, but it doesn't. I'm still infertile and I'm sure I will always feel many of the same emotions. I still feel jealous of those who achieve pregnancy easy. I also now feel jealous of people who have normal pregnancies and those who got to bring their babies straight home. For all of this I'm stronger. For thinking I might lose my boys, I love them with more ferocity. For having to endure over a month stay in the NICU, I now know that angels come in the form of NICU nurses. My babies are fighters just like their momma.

IT IS WORTH IT! Never forget how amazing and strong you are!!

STAY STRONG!!

Holy 3 Months!

Where have the last three months of my life gone? It seems like such a blur! I can't believe that yesterday Orion and Ronin turned 3 months old. Of course their adjusted age is only 6 weeks. They are doing fabulous. It seems like only yesterday I was the momma of 2 NICU babies. I felt like I lived at the hospital.

Now it's the same routine every day:
Get up.
Go to work (pump on my lunch break like a little cow).
Come home.
Pump some more.
Love on my boys.
Take care of them and everything around the house until bed time. (Dinner, dishes, Washing bottles, laundry, other cleaning. Basically every thing a SAHM does, but I have to cram it into 5 hours)
Find time to pump between everything else...
Sleep.
Start again.

Not So BOGO

Recently there has been a lot of talk in the infertility community about a couple who was angered when the conceived twins via IVF. Click to read the article: Couple blogs they are 'angry'

I had read this before. Before having the procedure they knew the risks of having twins. I, too, knew the risks of us having twins while on Clomid was greater. (Our twins were not caused by fertility drugs, however, because they are identical.) I knew the risks of becoming pregnant with them, but I had NO idea all the risks and complications that come with having a multiple pregnancy.
That being said, I would never wish a multiple pregnancy on anyone, especially one with identicals (mo/di or mo/mo). There are so many more risks and complications. We almost lost our boys. We almost had to deliver them at 23 weeks. You’re at a much higher risks of miscarriage, gestational diabetes, pre-eclampsia, and stillbirth. Mo/di and mo/mo also have the risk of twin to twin transfusion which can cause the death of not one, but both babies and this occurs in 10% of these types of pregnancies. Mo/mo pregnancies are usually hospitalized after 21 weeks and constantly monitored because the risk of cord incidence is so high. The babies share an amniotic sac and one baby can literally grab the cord of the other one and “strangle” it. Two of my friends on a twin support group had their twins early (26 weeks and 31 weeks) and each of them lost one of their babies due to pre-term labor. Even my twins were born at 33 weeks due to complications (IUGR due to marginal cord attachment). One or both could have lifelong struggles because of it.

In some ways I empathize with the couple. There was even a twice that I remember during my pregnancy that I lay in bed, doubled over in pain crying that I said, “But I only wanted one.” Does that make me a horrible person? No. I was scared and in pain. Does it mean I don't love my kids? No. Does it mean I wasn't grateful to be having my babies after years of trying? Not at all. It simply makes me human.

In some ways, it’s a situation I don’t think you can fully comprehend until you’ve been there. Last week I went to a Mom’s of Multiples meeting. We all had the same consensus. We hate hearing people say “I wish I had twins.” It’s not because we don’t love our children, it’s because they really have no idea the difficulties that come with it both in pregnancy and after. Yeah… it seems like the ultimate BOGO… but it really isn’t. It's hard, harder than most people even imagine.

Hectic

It's been a long time since I posted a blog... and I'm sure you understand there's a couple of good reasons why. Orion came home from the hospital on July 15th and Ronin followed a week later on July 22nd. They are great babies. They are EASY babies as well. *knock on wood* I have them on the same eating schedule, which has helped tremendously. They eat 8 times a day, every 3 hours. They are growing well, but they still have a long way to go until they are caught up with each other. Last Thursday Orion weighed 6lb. 12oz and Ronin weighed 5lb. 2oz. They've come such a long way since they were born.

The progress they made in 5 weeks.

Orion - August 4th

Ronin - August 4th

Another reason I've been MIA is that my sister, Heather passed away. As my friends already know, my sister Kim was killed in 2007. On June 19th (the day after the twins were born), Heather had surgery to remove a tumor by her brain stem. There ended up being numerous complications and she ended up coding on the them twice. Because of the surgery and the additional damage caused by lack of oxygen when she coded it was determined that her quality of life would be very poor. She didn't want to live like a vegetable for the rest of her life, so the decision was made to let things take their course and let her pass. My sister passed away July 20, 2013. The most difficult part for me is my concern for my nephew. My sister Heather's son just turned 5 on July 12th. He struggles at times, and at times he's a typical 5 year old.

Heather, Me, my Nephew

Meeting Two Handsome Little Boys! - A Birth Story!

So this week turned out nothing like how I had planned. I went to the doctor on Monday to have my NST and BPP ran as well as have a growth scan for the twins. Finally, both boys passed the NST. I then went into one of the ultrasound rooms to check on the boys. They did all of their measurements and it was immediately obvious that Ronin was much smaller than Orion, I could tell and the US tech said as much. So, when I went in to the room to talk to our MFM I was expecting some sort of bad news, but I was still kind of shocked by what she had to say.

"How would you feel about meeting your babies this week?"

One sentence dramatically changed my life.

We began talking about possibilities. She said I could wait if I wanted to, but she didn't feel that would be the safest option. She explained all of her reasoning behind wanting the boys to be born at just over 33 weeks gestation. She told me about the risks if I were to continue carrying them as well as the ones for delivering them. So... the decision was made. I would meet my babies that week.

Thayer and I then went upstairs to make our delivery arrangements with our regular OB. Again, we talked about the positives and negatives of delivering vaginally (since both babies were vertex or head down) and having a C-section. Because it was my first pregnancy, induction this early (33 weeks) may not have worked at all. There was also the risk of Ronin (the littler baby) becoming very distressed during contractions. He said even if induction were successful, the likelihood of me still needing a C-section because the babies were in danger was very high. So Thayer and I made the decision for the health of our children, it would be better to simply have a scheduled C-section. Our C-section was set up for the next day at 2pm.

As we left the doctor's office we told Thayer's mom (who was in town visiting). I immediately called my mom to let her know, and then began spreading the word. I was excited, anxious, but most of all, I was scared. 33 weeks gestation was still very early. Yes, I had the steroid shots. Yes, my babies and I would have the very best of care. But what if something happened? What if something went dreadfully wrong? I was so worried for my little boys.

I went home that night and prepared for the next day... the day I would meet my little boys.

June 18th, 2013

We arrived at the hospital at 12pm to prepare for my C-section. They took me, Thayer, my mom, and Thayer's mom back to the prep room. I changed into my gown, got my IV, had the babies monitored, had my blood drawn. Then the wait began. Finally they had Thayer change into his scrubs and got ready to take me back to the OR. I became more frightened.

I was wheeled back to the OR, and I got up on the operating table to await my epidural. My nurse (who was AMAZING!) comforted me as the needles were inserted in my back. I laid back and got situated and almost immediately my blood pressure bottomed out. They had to pump me full of several different medications to get it back up to normal. They checked to make sure I was completely numb and the doctor got ready. They brought Thayer in and had him sit by my head. I could tell by his eyes that he was scared too, for me and for the boys. I heard the my OB said, "Okay, I'm ready to cut." Not two minutes later I heard the most beautiful cry. I immediately started bawling. I saw them rush him over to the station to get cleaned up and checked over. Then I heard a second cry. I start crying even harder.

Both of my boys entered the world at 2:55pm!

The NICU teams ask if Thayer has is camera. He looks at me and I can tell he's torn. I tell him "Go. I'm fine. Go." So he leaves my side and starts snapping pictures of the boys. I hear them crying and I can't help but continue to cry. They get them all stable. (Their Apgar scores were 7 at 1min and 9 at 5min.) They load them in an isolet and take them to the NICU for assessment and take care of them. Thayer comes back to me and I tell him to go with the boys. And they start sewing me up. Not long later I'm taken back to my prep room for recovery for 2 hours so the epidural can wear off.

When my 2 hours were up, they wheeled me down to the boys' room in NICU. My boys were small... but perfect and beautiful. They are the most amazing thing I have EVER seen in my life.

Ronin

Ronin

Orion

Ronin

Orion