This is a window into my life.... Infertility, Pregnancy Loss, Marriage, Weight Loss Surgery, and finally... a multiple pregnancy.

Learn more about my Infertility Journey here:
3 years and counting

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Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Big Changes Ahead?

I'm thinking about getting the Lap Band surgery done. I've been doing research about it and some other options. Diet and exercise just aren't working and I don't know what else to do. The military would pay for it 100% if I had it done and it can be reversed and taken out if I ever want it to. It can also be deflated so if/when I do get pregnant I will be able to feed the baby.

Any and all advice is welcome unless you are going to tell me to 1. Relax 2. Don't Stress 3. God will make it happen when it's meant to be.... because 1. relaxing doesn't help when you have a disease and it's hard to relax when you take medicine everyday that makes you feel like shit and reminds you that you're infertile. 2. not stressing doesn't help when you have a disease. 3. Don't EVEN get me started in religion...

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Poetry by Me

Nostrils flare, inhaling the cold, crisp air.
A longing, a sadness fills me.
The blustery weather penetrates my coat.
My exposed skin dewy with moisture
From frosty drizzle and warm, salty tears.
My core becomes hollow
As I gaze upong the etched marble rock.
I lean and place the flowers.
Their cheerful clors do little to drown the dreary atmosphere.
I stand there for a moment, tears trickling down my face.
Waiting for a comfort, a peace to sweet across me that never arrives.
I turn to walk away.
I can bare the sight no more.
The stone looms as a blatant reminder of your absense.
I pause mid-step and close my eyes.
I turn my head upwards
Willing the sun to shine upong my face once more
To offer a small stream of hope,
But the light continues to fade.
As my eyelids open once more
The wind picks up, catching my hair,
And a raven streaks across the sky,
Squawking it's lonely cry.

If eyes are the window to the soul
Then yours would be the darkest shade of gray.
Hatred consumes you, leaving nothing but a bleak void.
Those you "love" are dragged into the pit as well.
You cling to the damp stonewall of the hell you fashioned
Waiting for a rescue that will never come.
You shriek and howl,
But the words cannot penetrate your desolate cell.
Desperate now, you claw the walls
A futile attempt to make an escape.
Graduatlly your hope and sanity dwindle.
The horrid world in which you reside
Holds no truths; they were washed away by lies.
You sit captive, struggling against yourself.
You curl into a ball in the dreary, dim corner.
Drops of agony stream down your face.
Your prision fills with the salty tears,
And you let out a lonesome wail as you drown.

Dear Baby

I read that somewhere that writing a letter to your future baby can be healing and helpful for those dealing with the pain of infertility. So I wrote this letter a while back. I'm not sure it helped and boy did it make me cry!

Dear Baby,
Everyday I dream of you, of holding you in my arms and loving you. You aren't even here yet, not even conceived yet... and yet, I still love you so much. Sometimes the pain is so hard to endure knowing I may never get to see your face, hear your giggle, or kiss your boo boos. Mommy and daddy love you so much and we wish you were here with us. I hope that one day I'll get to hold you. If and when that day comes you will know love like no other child has known. You will be treasured and loved beyond words. I'm so ready to meet you, feel you grow inside my tummy. Maybe our day will be soon. I hope so. Mommy and daddy are starting to get impatient and we're ready for you.


Monday, July 19, 2010

Quick Update...

So Thayer and I have been married nearly 2 years now (Oct. 16th). We have been trying to get pregnant for a little over a year. PCOS is a bitch, and Thayer... well I think he's about a chapter behind me in the book of life when it comes to baby making. I have lived in Minot about a year and a half now. I still don't like it up there and I don't think I ever will. I love Kansas/Missouri. I miss my friends and family (well most of them). I'm back home visiting right now. I didn't really understand just how much I missed my friends and Springfield (college life) until I went there to visit. Hopefully in 2 years the economy will be good enough that Thayer can get out of the AF because I don't know how much longer I can last as an Air Force wife. I thought I knew what I was getting into when I got married to him... but boy did I have no clue. I had this notion that military wives/families formed this bond and became like a real family (you know, like the shit you see on TV). NOT TRUE... it is a COMPLETE work of fiction. I have found out that most military moms won't talk to you or socialize with you unless you've popped a kid out of your vajayjay. There is more drama on a military base than there ever was in my high school. Most military wives think I'm crazy for going to school and getting a degree because I'm apparently supposed to be barefoot and pregnant all the time. They think I'm even MORE crazy because I have no desire to be a stay-at-home mom. Whatever. Oh... and I'm also done pussyfooting around trying not to piss people off. Stupid people suck. Immature people suck. I'm currently going to school working on my Master's degree in Special Education - Learning Disabilities. Online classes are a bitch... and taking 9 credit hours of Graduate classese during the summer is a mistake I will NEVER make again. Thayer and I have 2 dogs, Myst and Kaia. They're cute and a handful. I'm sure there's more... but it is bedtime so I can get up in the morning and work on more homework... yay! *rolls eyes* Sorry for the ranty moments... :-P