What Doesn't...

Kill You Makes You Stronger... whoever said that can kiss my ass. I'm tired of having to be strong all the time. I'm tired of being stressed and worried. I'm tired of everything in my life requiring so much effort... much more effort than it does in everyone else's. I just want to catch a break. Don't I deserve to catch a break? What have I done to deserve any of this? Seriously, when will things stop taking a giant crap on me?

I am beyond frustrated with the Department of Veteran Affairs. They keep leading Thayer around in this giant circle of him trying to get all of his GI Bill benefits. He's been in school since June, but we still haven't seen a dime of his housing allowance. If we didn't have a good amount of money in savings we would be living out on the streets with no food to eat. The way this country is treating its veterans is RIDICULOUS! I've watched the veteran's office at Missouri State fax in the paperwork they are now saying they never received. If they mess this up again, I'm going up to the Veteran's Center here in Springfield and ripping someone a new asshole. They now owe us almost $3000 in back housing allowance and we better get every dime of it in back pay.

It looks like I'm having to change up my fertility plan again. After this last cycle I could clearly see where my body was off. I started spotting 11 and 12dpo and then started on 13dpo. This is obviously a luteal issue. After doing some research and talking to a friend of mine, I decided to go on additional B vitamins. A deficiency in B-complex vitamins can cause a shortened luteal phase so hopefully boosting them up will correct the problem. Additionally, my period was once again very short and light. This could mean that I have an iron deficiency, so I added an iron pill to all of my supplements. Because of these changes I decided it would be best to hold off a month on beginning the Vitex and Red Clover herbs. One thing at a time. I want to see how the vitamins help. I am also going to see the OB/GYN on August 16th. I'm going to request that he do whatever bloodwork and prescribe me Clomid. I may be ovulating on my own, but who knows what the eggs and follicles are looking like. I know on Clomid in the past I have had really good luck with growing really mature follicles. I just want to give myself the best chance possible to conceive. I'm tired of waiting and beating around the bush. I was made to do that cycle after cycle up in Minot and I'm not going to do it anymore. I'm going to take 120% control over my fertility and future. I will get sassy and bossy. On a side note, Thayer says he would like to go to my appointment with me. I think it's great that he finally wants to be involved in this whole process.

I've also been dealing with depression again because of all the stress. I just feel completely overwhelmed. I'm worried about money and paying bills because of the military screwing us in the butt. I'm worried about my cycle being messed up. I'm scared that having surgery and losing all this weight just messed me up worse and made my chances of getting pregnant even worse than they were before. There are always about a million things running through my head at any given time. I've been having trouble sleeping for weeks now. I've tried resetting my schedule and it's just not working.

Grief and Infertility

I get so frustrated with people when talking about infertility. It truly is something that you just don't understand until you've been in those shoes. You don't know the constant pain and depression that happens month after month. There have been numerous studies that have equated the emotions of getting your period every month while fighting infertility to losing a loved one every month. You go through all the stages of grief month after month. It's a seemingly never ending cycle of ups (very few) and downs (a great many).

For those of you that don't know, the 5 stages of grief are: Denial, Anger/Guilt, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance.

Some information is about how infertility itself causes a person (couple) to go through the stages of grief. (Stages of Grief After Infertility). Hearing the word "infertility" is often a shock. This wasn't really the case for me. I knew I would probably have trouble getting pregnant because of my PCOS. The article I posted above has a pretty good idea of what people might feel or experience when they find out that they are infertile and may never be able to have children of their own (meaning biological).

Now I want to take a look at the stages of grief as they apply to a woman's monthly cycle. Every single month, a couple dealing with infertility, especially the woman, goes through the stages of grief. There is never a break or reprieve from the feelings. Just like a woman gets her period every month she experiences let downs month after month.
 Here's how it goes:
...
Denial: This is it. This is the month we will get pregnant. I don't feel like I'm getting ready to start. I'm sure my boobs are sore because I'm pregnant. Yep. This is it. Without a doubt it is finally our time!... That negative pregnancy test... It's just to early. Fast forward a few hours. Oh... that spotting, maybe it's implantation bleeding... maybe?... please?

Anger: WHY ME!? Why can't it be my turn!? What have I done so wrong to deserve this? Why can crack whores get pregnant but I can't! This isn't fair!

Bargaining: Dear God... It's me Mary... (well no... not really, but it was that before infertility and pregnancy loss killed my faith). Now it's more like... I will do anything... ANYTHING to get pregnant and stay pregnant. Really... standing on my head while eating jello. If it will get me pregnant... you can bet your ass I'll try it.

Depression: This usually involves crying, avoiding pregos, chocolate, wine... more crying. More avoiding of fertile people. A bit of self loathing is thrown in there. Oh... and don't forget feeling like a complete and utter failure for the millionth time.

Acceptance: This month is over. I can't change it. I can't fix it. I can't make it different. Time to start again.  Maybe this will be our month....

And so it begins again.... Over and over again.

Hold Fast to Dreams

He Wishes for the Cloths of Heaven
By William Butler Yeats

Had I the heaven's embroidered cloths,
Enwrought with golden and silver light,
The blue and the dim and the dark cloths
Of night and light and the half-light,

I would spread the cloths under your feet:
But I, being poor, have only my dreams;
I have spread my dreams under your feet;
Tread softly because you tread on my dreams.

 
Dreams
by Langston Hughes

Hold fast to dreams
For if dreams die
Life is a broken-winged bird
That cannot fly.

Hold fast to dreams
For when dreams go
Life is a barren field
Frozen with snow.


For years and years I have loved poetry. I love to read it. I love to interpret it. I love to write it. Poems can bring out so much. They can open up emotional barriers, tear down guarded walls. Poems can leave you raw and renewed. Maybe it's because I have an English degree. Poetry has always been an escape for me. A way to release what is inside so it doesn't continue to bring me down.

Right now I feel lost. I feel a bit helpless. I feel scared. I feel angry and certainly a bit bitter. I feel like my dreams are slipping away and I feel unsure how to hold onto them. I can't simply cast them aside and forget. The last almost 2 and a half years DID happen. Infertility happened to me. I had a baby who was all mine and went to heaven all too soon. I can't forget. I will never forget... but how do I move on? How do I go forward with this surgery? I won't be a mother until I'm nearly 30... that wasn't my plan, my dream. How did things get so messed up? Sure, I have a good life. I have a good husband, a good house, enough money. I don't really want for anything save a child of my very own. I just don't know how to shelve my dreams and watch them come true for others, knowing that I can't even TRY.

Now I feel like I'm rambling so I'll bring this to a close... Thank you to all of you that have/do support me. I don't know where I would be without you and your words of encouragement and understanding. <3

Turning on the Light

Better to light a candle than to curse the darkness. ~Chinese Proverb



Turn your face to the sun and the shadows fall behind you. ~Maori Proverb


I'm really trying... DESPERATELY trying to find the good in life right now. I cried for the first time in about a month tonight. I started spotting so my hopes and dreams of becoming a mother now must be shelved for almost two years. For almost two and a half years we have worked, cried, timed intercourse, cried some more, had invasive procedure after invasive procedure.... all in hopes of becoming parents. I've watched countless people forge ahead with their dreams of becoming parents while I'm left just waiting in the wings crying. Now I know I will have to endure this pain for another 2 years without any hopes of becoming pregnant. We can't even try. It's hard to put your dreams on a shelf and just forget about them. It's hard to walk away from something you want so badly. It's hard to watch other's living YOUR dream... and it's especially hard to watch those people who really shouldn't be parents (for whatever reason) living your dream. It's hard to tell you're husband that you failed once again. That's what I feel like. Every month I get to feel like a failure, like I'm not worthy of my husband's love because I can't have his children. How will I go on? How will I keep my head up throughout all of this? I have NO idea. I really don't know where to even start. I guess I just have to keep looking at the positive. I have never, ever been an optimist. In fact, I've been a pessimist for as long as I can remember... so I guess I will have to turn over a new leaf as well.

Defeat.

Today, tonight,... whichever... I feel totally and utterly defeated. I feel broken. I feel depressed. I feel worthless. I feel... horrible. I'm not trying to be a drama queen.... I'm just giving you the facts straight.

I'm so tired of hoping and trying... wishing on every star that one day my dream might come true. It all seems so futile, so hopeless, so... I don't know.

I know some people think that I've had the world handed to me on a silver platter... that "gee what does Mary know of suffering?" Think that if you will, it's not the truth.

I just need one sign... one little something, ANYTHING to keep me going. To make all this pain worth it because right now I'm not sure it is. I want to give up, throw in the towel, wash my dreams down the drain. I want to forget and walk away.

Hope by Emily Dickinson

Hope is the thing with feathers
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune--without the words,
And never stops at all,

And sweetest in the gale is heard;
And sore must be the storm
That could abash the little bird
That kept so many warm.

I've heard it in the chillest land,
And on the strangest sea;
Yet, never, in extremity,
It asked a crumb of me.

A Brief History of Shit

First off... there are a lot of things that most people don't know about me. NUMBEROUS things that have happened to me in my life that I don't talk about. Some of them have left deep scars and if that bothers you... if you can't handle me at my worst then you don't deserve to be my friend at my best. I thought friends were supposed to be there through thick and thin, but I've been shown that, that is not the case more times than I can count.

Brief account of  some of the shitty things that have happened in my life...

1. Before I was a teenager I dealt with a lot of shit care of my sisters. Growing up I was always distinctly aware that they hated me for no reason other than I was alive. Things got better from time to time, and were generally better by the time I hit adulthood.

2. By the time I was out of high school I lost over a dozen family members to cancer including my grandmother who was like a mother to me. I would literally go and spend weeks on end with her during the summer. It was like my mother had died.

3. From the age of 17 to almost 21 I was in an emotionally and physically abusive relationship. I was told I was worthless and a piece of shit on almost a daily basis. I was told that no one else would ever love me. I was told countless horrible things. Then the hitting began. First it was a pinch that caused a huge bruise that lasted weeks on my boob. Then it was a slap in the face... then finally the night before I left him he tried to choke and kill me.

4. In 2004 my grandfather, who I had been very close to died suddenly. There is a lot of guilt there even now because I had gotten into a fight with him over his no good piece of poop girlfriend.

5. In 2007, my middle sister was murdered. Yes, you read that correctly. She was shot in the head. I can't and really don't want to go into the details... other than the police handled it horribly. The man that killed my sister is still walking free today. The police beyond fucked up and now they can't find the guy that shot my sister in cold blood.

6. In 2009, Thayer and I began trying to have a family. I have endured numerous painful procedures to try and have child. I have a transvaginal wand stuck up my twat twice a month and it hurts like crazy each time because I have an ovary that hides so they have to dig like crazy in my vajayjay to try and get a picture. I've had more people than I care to count look up and at my vagina. What do I have to show for my pain and patience? A dead baby.

7. 2011, I finally got pregnant, only to lose the baby. Until you've been in my shoes. Until you've tried for 2+ years to get pregnant with your husband. Until you've watched your baby being flushed down the toilet... the baby you've toiled for, cried for, longed for...

This is just a small taste of what has happened in my life.

Do I let it get to me? Yes, sometimes I do. I do especially around anniversaries of things or birthdays of my grandma/grandpa. Yes, I let it get to me. I try not to let it rule my life.

Does it sometimes rule my life? Yes, I would be lying out my ass if I told you different.

Does it hurt every day that my baby is not with me? You bet your ass it does.

Do I do better when I'm on antidepressants? Yep. I know for a fact I do. Antidepressants and taking them doesn't make me weak or lazy. In fact, admitting I had a problem and I needed help was very difficult for me. I'm not currently on my meds because I went off them when we found out I was pregnant so they wouldn't hurt the baby. Guess I should have just kept on them.


The moral of the story... don't judge people. Instead of assuming things about someone, ask them. Instead of calling them a "Debbie Downer" or "Negative Nancy" maybe stop and take 2 minutes out of your day and ask them, "Hey, what's bothering you?" You may never know what you'll find out or discover about someone. I never knew how unkind and judgemental people could be until I moved up here. I guess people in other parts of the country were just raised different than I was in Kansas. People really need to learn to 1. ask questions and not assume and 2. walk a mile in someone else shoes.

We all have these kinds of days... right?

Today was a bad day... no other way to describe it. It was a horrible, rotten, no good, very bad day. It started off with Kaia waking me up whining over and over again. Then I got up and got started on my homework and nothing was going right. I didn't understand one part of the project. I needed more ink for my printer... then after Thayer had already ran to the BX, I realized I was out of paper too. I was just so moody. Then I looked around and saw that the house was a mess. While I was struggling with my homework, my husband was sitting on his computer playing a game. It just didn't seem fair at all that I worked 6 days this week, then had to do homework... and then had to do all the housework. So I snapped. I mean I went off on him... I ripped him a new asshole. I yelled, I screamed, I just.... Snapped. When I was mad and yelling at him the truth came out.. and we ended up just holding each other and crying. I was mad at him, deep inside, for not being there when I lost the baby. First, he wouldn't go to the hospital with me... and then when I was crying and in so much pain when I passed the baby he was lying on the couch sleeping his lunch break away. At one point I was lying on the couch crying loudly, he woke up and asked me what was wrong... then just went back to sleep. I was ANGRY... I was angry that I had to throw our baby away. I was angry that he got to sleep while I had to flush our baby down the toilet. I was angry because I thought he was semi-happy that I lost the baby and with the move and getting out of the Air Force... it would just be easier to not have the baby. I was angry because he didn't seem to care. I could go on and on... I was just so angry. I'm glad it is out in the open... I'm glad we got it out of the way. I just wish I could have calmly talked to him about it. I don't think I would have ever talked to him about it, had we not fought though. Everything is fine now... but it was seriously a bad day.

Lately I've just been so stressed and frustrated... school, work, moving (not knowing about moving), the miscarriage.... It's just so much to deal with it. I feel overwhelmed and all alone at times. I'm one of those people that feels they always have to be strong, not talk about it, deal with it on my own.... That's just how I am. I don't talk... and then it all builds up.

This not knowing about moving is driving me crazy. We know we have to be out of Minot by the 31st of May... but we have no check list. We have no orders... we have nothing to go off of. The papers are signed so we know we're leaving by the 31st... but that is ALL we know. Not being able to plan anything is killing me. It is so frustrating.

Sometimes A Girl Just Needs Her Mommy...

I'm one of those women who is lucky enough to be able to call my mom my best friend. I love her. She can still kiss all my boo boos away. She can make everything better. I've been trying to be so strong. I try, at times, to hide my tears from Thayer. I don't want him to worry and feel bad. I don't want to make him sad or upset. I've always thought I have to be the strong one. Lately, with everything going on, I can't help to think about how much a hug from my mom would do for my heart. My mom has the magic touch. I can't help but believe her when she says, "Everything will be alright." Right now it feels like nothing will ever be right again. My heart is broken and I don't know how to fix it. This isn't a heartbreak I've experienced before. I just hate feeling alone. Thayer isn't experiencing what I'm experiencing. He doesn't have the guilt, the sense of failure. I'm sure he's sad. He's broken down and cried, but it isn't his body that is failing.

Happy Pills

So in the next month or so I will be making some major decisions about my health. First, I have to decide whether I want to go back on my anti-depressants or not. I went off of them when I thought I might be pregnant for the health of the baby. I am doing okay right now. I'm very hormonal, I know that. My body is basically going crazy coming down from the pregnancy hormone and trying to balance out with hormones you're supposed to have when not pregnant. I've been exceedingly moody and bitchy. Hopefully it all gets worked out soon. I don't want to go back on the anti-depressants unless I have to. The next is I'm contemplating having weight loss surgery. After trying for years to lose weight without success, I think I want to have LapBand surgery. I've done a lot of research. Many women with PCOS have gone on to conceive without fertility aids after losing weight with the help of the LapBand. I got a referral from my PCM last week and I'm calling Monday to make my appointment for my initial consultation with the surgeon on Monday. My PCM recommended that we try to get pregnant again before having the surgery... but the way I figure it, if I lose weight I will have a better pregnancy. Things will just be better all around. I'm sure some people won't agree with my decision... but it's not their life or body. I'm sure some people will think I'm taking the easy way out. If eating 1500-1600 calories for the last year and exercising without any results.... well I'm done working my butt off then not seeing any results. The PCOS makes it extremely difficult to lose weight. I've always been chunky... I think that is part of my DNA, but I would love to be back down to the size I was in HS. Gaining 35lbs in one month after going on Depo-Provera (the devil's birth control, that has now been linked with possibly causing PCOS) didn't help matters. They recommend not trying to get pregnant for a year after the surgery. The way I figure it, I just wouldn't go on BC. If it happens it happens. The only reason they don't recommend it, is the first year is when the most weight loss will happen. I just want to be healthy before I get too old. I'm also sick of the stigma that "fat" or "plus size" people are lazy. That's NOT true.

I'm Late, I'm Late, for a very important date!

NO time to say hello. Good-bye. I'm late I'm late I'm late.


Okay... now that I have that out of my system back to business. So I has officially been 2 weeks since I ovulated. What does this mean? It simply means that my period is officially late. Now.. don't go jumping up and down and shouting for joy. In the life of a PCOS'er a late period means absolutely nothing. My periods have been effed up since I was 14. The only time I go more than a few month at a time having a normal cycle is when I'm in birth control. So... now the bigger question is... Am I or Am I not? Tomorrow I'm going to the base lab and having them draw blood. I'm not waiting around... I'm done waiting for answers. I'm not going to pee on a damn stick at home. If I do that I'll just think "Well, maybe it was a false negative, maybe I'm not far enough... blah blah blah." So... off to the clinic I go tomorrow to have them take my blood. I hope all my "symptoms" are due to something. My boobs (actually my nipples to be more exact... sorry if it's TMI) have been KILLING me since I ovulated. Normally, they hurt 3ish days or so after ovulation then they go back to being fine. I've never had breast/nipple pain before my period. Lets see... I've also had some clear discharge from my nipples... dunno what's up with that. My BBT (basal body temperature) has been elevated for at least a week now. This is supposed to be a symptom. Most of these are physical signs and can't be "just in my head." I guess I'll know soon enough. Until then I'll try to cross my fingers and not try to get too excited or sad. I haven't really had any pre-period symptoms... no cramping, PMS, etc. I did start breaking out a little the last couple days... but that can be a symptom of pregnancy and an Aunt Flo visit.

I was going to go to the lab today, but I didn't. I didn't want to be sad so I put it off for another day. I want to be happy these last few months I have in Minot. I don't want to be depressed or upset. I don't want to cry. I don't want to have to, once again, tell my husband that I'm a failure. I mean... if I can't even manage to get pregnant, does that mean I'll be a bad mom? I hate this rollarcoaster. After 2 years, I'm almost sick of trying... but I have to keep going because soon enough we won't have insurance that will cover fertility treatments at all (most insurances don't).

I hate that the lab as 72 hours to notify me of the results. Maybe since I'm getting there first thing in the morning (7:30) I won't have to wait that whole time! Oh... and I'm going to have to lie to the base lab as well because they won't do a test on you unless you're 2 or more weeks late... so I'm just going to pretend I am. Eff them and their bureaucratic bullshit.

Filled with Self-Doubt

WARNING: Pity Party Incoming!

So... this time, like all the other times, is it all in my head? I am almost 7 days past ovulation... if there is a bean, it should be starting to stick. I try so hard not to get my hopes up, but I want to so bad. I want to be excited. I want to be happy. I want to be able to plan how I'm going to tell Thayer and my parents/family. I want to be able to shop (after the first 3 months of course) for nursery items. I already know the colors and theme I want. Is that bad? What if my dream never comes true and I never get to paint a nursery. I just want to be positive, but it is so difficult to be positive when every month for over a year and a half I have been greeted by sadness and heartbreak. I know this month because of all the testing and knowing that things were going well, my heart will break even more. There was hope this month. There was a REAL chance I could get pregnant.... what if I fail again? I hate being a disappointment and failure. I hate feeling like I'm letting Thayer down, my parents down... and most of all I hate letting myself down. Yesterday for the first time at work I felt sad. I saw a little boy in my room interacting with his dad. His dad was being fun and just awesome... I just thought "What if Thayer never gets to be a dad?" Maybe I'm not good enough for Thayer or anyone. Maybe Thayer's dad is right, maybe I don't deserve to be part of their family. Maybe it was a mistake. Maybe this is all happening because I don't deserve to be happy. The is the first time in a LOOOONG time I've felt down and truly sad about my infertility. I'm sorry if you don't like it, but I have the right to be sad and upset. If you haven't been in my shoes you have no idea what I'm going through, and you have no right to judge me or anyone else. (Just thought I'd throw that last part in there.) Yes, I'm having a pity party.... if you don't wish to join me feel free to leave.