Everyone and Snooki.... but me...

Lately it seems that everyone is pregnant. So many people I know are having their second. It's hard. I'm not going to lie. Many of them started trying for their first after Thayer and I started trying for our first. Almost 3 years after we started trying and I still have empty arms. Maybe my dream will never come true. I'm just so over waiting, testing, temping, wondering... I know we haven't been able to try at all for the last 6 months, but that doesn't make it any easier. I WANT to try. I WANT to have a baby. I WANT to have one now. I WANT to see those 2 pink lines. The problem is I CAN'T try. I mean, technically I could but that wouldn't be the smart thing to do.

I want to be happy when people tell me that they are pregnant... but it is so hard to conceal my envy especially if the child is conceived under less than stellar circumstances such as a teen mom. How can I even begin to feel happy about that? Here I am... a responsible 27 year old woman who is college educated, who has been married 3.5 years to a wonderful responsible man, but every idiot teenager and Snooki can get pregnant. Seriously? I guess at least I know now where my tax dollars are going.

It's hard to believe that this time last year I was pregnant. I didn't know it yet. We didn't find out until March 10th. Then just a short time later we found out we were losing our little dream. I still miss her all the time. How could I not? She was my baby, even though no one else seems to acknowledge she was real. I don't even think Thayer remembers. I'm scared to talk about and bring it up to him.

Today is Thayer's Birthday. I hope he had a good day. I've been really moody lately. I'm not going to lie about that either. I'm stress and just generally down. I knew March was going to be a difficult month. I knew it and thought I was prepared. But I guess I wasn't. So much change has happened in the last month. My whole world has been turned upside down and I'm reeling from it. I miss my girls. I miss the support and laughs I got from them. Even if they didn't know something was wrong they could always make me feel better. I miss them so much.

Burning the Candle at Both Ends

Overworked.
Underpaid.
Overstressed.
Worn Out.
Tired.
Depressed.
Over-educated.
Under appreciated.
Underwhelmed and Overwhelmed.
Burned Out.
Disgruntled.

.... The list could go on and on.

I just feel so (see the above list). School. Work... WORK. Infertility. Family. Miscarriage. Military life. Surgery. I'm not even sure where to begin or end. I need a woosa day. I'm really thinking that Thayer and I need to take a weekend and go somewhere... ANYWHERE and stay the night away from this place. I need to get away and July simply isn't coming fast enough. At this point we're not even sure if Thayer can go with me back home to Kansas. All I know is... I might need a friend to watch the dogs this weekend so we can have some married couple time alone and the hell away from Minot.

Brown Chicken Brown Cow

.... I am so ready to be intimate with my husband again. We haven't had smexy fun time since we conceived our angel baby. That was a long time ago. It is frustrating, because once again, I feel like I'm letting him down. I feel like I can't do anything right. Believe me, he's very supportive and I know he loves me. I do really really miss feeling close to him in an intimate way. He has take good care of me. He holds me when I cry, which is almost daily. I'm just so overwhelmed with life. Between school, work, possibly moving (being in limbo), the miscarriage, possible surgery... just everything is jumbled and stressful. I feel bipolar. Last night I was tipsy after dinner and we were driving home and I was so happy and joking one minute... and the next I was thinking about how if I were still pregnant I wouldn't be able to drink and I burst into tears. Life has been such a rollarcoaster and I'm ready to get off the ride.