Bullies

I'm really beinging to realize that people of all ages can be bullies. I have heard or read things from women who have to put other people down to try and feel happy with their own unhappy lives. It's really sad that grown men and women have to turn to bullying others to make them feel better about their own shitty situation. You shouldn't have to put down the decisions of others to make you feel better about your own. Maybe, if you're doing that, then you aren't truly happy with the decision you've made. Bad mouthing others is just sad and kind of pathetic when you're pushing 30+.

I chose to have weightloss surgery. Apparently that makes me lazy, unmotivated, etc. in the eyes of some people... including other women/men who are morbidly obese. Whatever. Get over yourself. After 2 years of eating health and no more than 1500 calories on top of exercizing countless hours a week I did what was right for me. Different strokes for different folks. That doesn't mean you have to bad mouth me or bully me and others that have made the decision. I have a disease that makes it nearly impossible for me to lose weight naturally. My body doesn't process food correctly because I have an endocrine disorder. Unless you've been in my shoes, then quit being so judgemental and take a good look in the mirror. If you're bullying people then you obviously aren't very happy with yourself. If you have to justify your behavior and actions by putting other people down then you obviously aren't happy about your situation.

Counting Down

There are approximately 210 days until I leave Minot, ND for good. This gives me 210 days to get my teaching profile completed including letters of recommendation and my official Missouri Teaching Certificate (I only need fingerprints to complete it). The pressure is really on for me since we know that Thayer will no longer be able to join the Reserves. I must get a teaching job so that we can continue to have insurance. Our insurance through Tricare will lapse 6 months after Thayer gets out. It's a bit nerve wracking. I hate being without insurance. I was spoiled because growing up I always had really great insurance. Then when I was in college for a few years I didn't have any because my dad was laid off from Boeing. Then when he got rehired through Spirit Aerosystems I had it again. I just don't want to have to worry about things. I want to make sure my prescriptions are paid for. I know if I don't get a teaching job, I can always substitute to help make ends meet, but I'm so ready to be a teacher. It's a bummer that I will not be able to finish my Master's degree next semester because the move could come right in the middle my internship. Once the again, the life of a military wife interfers. I am super excited to know that this will be my last winter here in Minot. I'm ready to move on with our lives, no matter how scary that might be. I'm ready for Thayer to go to college and get his degree in Computer Engineering and make some big time $$. I'm ready to be close enough to home where I can drive home on the weekends if I want. I'm ready to start my life as something other than a military wife.

There are approximately 299 days until we can start trying to have a baby again. Yes, I am counting down the days. We tried for over two years to have a successful pregnancy and have no child to show for it. I'm ready to be a mother. I can't wait to be a mother. I've accomplished all my life goals other than to become a mother. What more could a woman want? I have a loving husband, 1 awesome dog, 1 semi-awesome dog, a college education.... the list goes on and on. Yes, I am thankful for what I have, but I know for a fact that I would be a Rock Star Mother! I do have to say it has been nice not having to keep track of my cycles. It has been wonderful not having to have timed sex. It's been nice not having to pee on anything. I don't really like my birth control, but it does it's job. The only difficulty with not TTC has been all the recent pregnancy announcements. Jealousy has reared it's ugly head a few times, okay... more than a few times. Sometimes life just seems so unfair, but I'll get over it.

There are 77 days until my 27th birthday. I'm excited that I will have lost at least 50lbs by then. I'm not, however, excited to be one year closer 30. I always promised myself that I would be done having kids by the time I was 30... doesn't look like that's going to happen. At least I'll be a wise and mature mother who raises her children right!

So that is just a few of the things I'm counting down to :)

People Amaze Me

Everyday I'm amazed by people, and it usually isn't in a good way.

I'm amazed that we have parents that drop their children off at daycare all day when they have the day off. I'm amazed that some of these parents are single parents who go out to the field for 4 days and are home for 4 days... and yet still those 4 days they are home the child is at daycare 8+ hours. How about you spend some time with your child(ren)? I mean really, if you didn't want them and don't want to give them the love and attention they deserve there are ways to NOT get pregnant. It makes me so angry that these people can manage to get pregnant but good deserving people can't. I just want to shake them.

Oh... and parents who come home from deployment that take their child to daycare EVERY day of their R&R. Really? You've missed how many MONTHS of your child's life and you can't take ONE day to spend with them at home. I hate seeing these things over and over again every day at work. We had a mother who was deployed 9 months. She left when her child was 5 months old. She brought the child and his/her sibling to the daycare EVERY day of her 2 week R&R because it was too stressful to spend time with her own children. Bet you can't guess what rank she wears? Sometimes (okay... a lot of the time) I really hate my job. I don't hate the kids. I LOVE and adore (most) of the kids in my class as if they were my own. I hate certain parents and how they raise their children and I hate other managerial aspects.

In other news, Thayer was diagnosed today with asthma. Some people don't know, but you can't join the military if you have asthma and they usually don't let you stay in if you develop it. The doctors think that he developed it while over in Iraq when he was working around the burn pits. Right now, all of our plans are going down the shitter and I'm beyond stressed. Thayer was supposed to leave active duty and not re-enlist active duty this summer. He was going to join the Air Force Reserves while he used his GI Bill to go to school. Now none of that can happen. So I'm stressed about trying to find a teaching job so we can be sure to have insurance. I'm stressed about moving because he might get out early through medical separation. We just don't know anything and we have no answers. People up here are incredibly slow about everything and it is so frustrating. I'm so tired of being a military wife and having to go through the run around all the damn time. I'm OVER it. I just want everything to go as planned, meaning I have to get my portfolio set up to hopefully land a teaching job. I have to figure out what's going to go on with my own schooling because if we move I can't finish this spring. I already know I have to put that off because I can't leave right in the middle of my internship or I'll fail the course. I'm so OVER having the military dictate my life. Only a few more months!

Husband Vent.

So... things have been kinda rocky in life lately. I'm not really sure what it is. Maybe because my body is in turmoil. Maybe because my head is in turmoil. I really don't have the slightest clue. In many ways I'm not being myself, and that bothers me.

Thayer and I have been going through a rough patch for a couple of weeks now. He's PMSing and I'm just bitchy a lot. Obviously that makes for a bad combination. Don't get me wrong, he was great right after I had my surgery... then he started to be not so great. Instead of helping me around the house he was constantly on his computer because he was on leave and that gave him the right to do whatever he wanted to do with little regard for me. Needless to say this led to a fight. Hell... he did it today again. He's spent a total of maybe 30 minutes with me all day today. I don't know what to do to fix it. I've asked him to play games with me. That's a no go. I've asked him nicely to spend time with me. I'm ignored. I'm just at my wits end and want to bash his computer apart. He wants a new video card for the computer so he can play his games better. Hmmm I wonder why I keep telling him no? I'm SICK of working full time, going to school, and doing EVERYTHING around this house when all he does is go to work 8-9 hours a day. Things are not equal and that's really starting to get to me too. I feel taken advantage of. I feel used. I feel like I'm just here to be at his beck and call. It's so incredibly frustrating. Sure, I didn't mind that when I wasn't working. I did it because that was my job. Keeping the house clean and food on the table was my JOB. Now that we're both working full time things should be more divided but they aren't and I fear they never will be. I feel like I'm raising a 25 year old child. I'm sorry, that's not my job. It's even harder for me to get everything done now because I'm tired ALL THE TIME. I eat/drink about 600 calories a day. That's it. On top of that I exercise so my body has what 450 calories a day to function. That's not a whole lot in the grand scheme of things. That's like one McDonald's hamburger worth of energy a day.

Answers.... kinda.

So the last few days have brought some answers my way, but I'm still waiting on others. Thayer found out officially that they took him off the early separation list. He will be serving out the last of his enlistment, which is up in July 2012. I'm bummed because I was so looking forward to getting out of North Dakota and going home and starting the next chapter of our lives. Now we're just waiting again. I hate always waiting for my life to begin. I was ready to go home so Thayer could start college and I could start being a teacher... I was ready to get out of North Dakota so I could actually get some quality healthcare when it comes to infertility. I was just ready to get out of this place. I jokingly said that I should just go back home and pretend that Thayer is deployed to North Dakota. I just don't want to be here anymore. It just seems like there is so much bad juju floating around... so many sad memories in this place. I'm just ready to move on with my life, but that all got the brakes put on it. Don't get me wrong, I love my husband, and I'm glad we finally have answers. I hated... HATED being in limbo. I had finally got used to the idea that we were leaving and was making plans, then BAM they change their mind. It sucks that they have the ability to toy with people's lives so much. One thing I was looking forward to getting away from was the horrible drama. I'm tired of being a good friend, only to be walked on. Then, on the other hand, I'm scared to rock the boat. There are a handful of people I know I don't want to be part of my life, but they're friends with so and so and if I don't keep things kosher with them, then it starts like a military wife war. It's bloody ridiculous. I'm sick of people thinking that it is okay to treat one another bad and put others down. We are grown women... I just wanted to put all the cattiness behind me.  Don't get me wrong, there are some wonderful ladies up here, but I'm found out since the miscarriage just who I could and could not rely on... and the results were staggering. Now I guess I just have to settle for going home on vacation in July. I just hope that Thayer will be able to get leave so he can come with me.

As for answers I'm still waiting on, I might get on the 25th. I finally go see the OB/GYN for my miscarriage follow-up visit. I started birth control a couple weeks ago after I stopped bleeding. My PCM said this was okay to do, so I did it. It will kill 2 birds with one stone. It will keep me from getting pregnant while I'm still healing from the miscarriage. It will also make sure my cycles stay semi-normal. Because of the PCOS, I don't have normal cycles most of the time. This will help keep me on track and ensure that I do have a "normal" period following the miscarriage. I also want to talk to the Dr. about going back on treatment after this cycle. I don't want to wait another one. Most things I've read say it is okay to go back to trying after one normal cycle, even though my OB recommends waiting 2. Time is ticking away. One thing I really want to know is... if I started bleeding at 5w4d... then why was the baby I passed 2 weeks later bigger than a 5w4d baby. When I passed the baby *graphic* it was attached to a large clot that was flat and about the size of my fist... and the yolk sak was just smaller than the size of a half dollar. I'm not sure when I ovulated... so we don't really know how far along I was. I just want to know... did my baby keep growing... what could have been going on?

I also go to Bismarck on the 26th to meet with the surgeon. It's just like an informational meeting of sorts to get more information and learn about how to really start the process. While I'm waiting for all that to go through... and I COULD be denied... I don't want to stop my treatments. I mean, I'll stop them once I know for sure I'm having the surgery and I'm 100% certain that it's going to happen. But the approval process could potentially take months. I'm not just going to sit around and wait and put my baby dreams on hold for all those months.

Military Life... Military Wife...

So there have been a lot of things about military life that have been frustrating me as of late. I'm frustrated by always being in limbo. I can't ever make a plan or envision my future. I can't follow my own dreams because I'm stuck (for lack of better words) following my husband. We were supposed to get out of here in May. That may or may not happen. We don't know yet. What we do know is that we will be out of here by the end of the summer... supposedly. I sit here with a Bachelor's in English Education that I can't use... I'm almost done with my Master's, yet I still can't use it. It is so frustrating to have a dream that you can't attain. Am I saying it was a mistake marrying my husband and becoming an Air Force wife? No. I don't regret it for one second. I love him with all my heart, but I would like to make some plans. I would like to know what lays in my future. I would like to know where I will be living in 6 months. I just want answers and they never seem to come. I want to know if I'll be able to have my surgery. I want to know if I'll be able to continue my fertility treatments. EVERYTHING... our entire lives are in limbo and it is INCREDIBLY frustrating!!

The other aspect that has me frustrated is other military wives (some, not all). They can be so damn frustrating. Some of them have less maturity than their children. Some of them constantly bitch... Oh my husband isn't around to babysit me... blah blah blah. Time to grow up ladies. If you think 12s are bad... wait for deployment. Thayer used to work 16+ hours... sometimes they would go over their timeline and he would have to stay the night out in the field and he couldn't even call me to let me know. I just had to assume all was well when he didn't come home for 24+ hours straight. It's military life. Maybe it isn't the right fit for your family... maybe at first you didn't know what you signed up for... but damn... bitching all the time gets old. We are all military wives, we all have it rough for different reasons and we don't want to hear your sob stories. *Big Girl Panties*

Oh... and then there are the gossipers. Really... when you point a finger three more point right back at you. You're not innocent. You too make mistakes. Talking behind people's backs just makes you look pathetic. We're adults and not in high school anymore. It's time to grow up and put your.... BIG GIRL PANTIES ON!... okay, I could go on... but enough bitching and bad juju. Going to go to my happy place now... my husband's arms!

D-O-N-E

I'm just done. Done with Minot, done with most of the people here, done with the drama, done with the fake people who pretend to be your friend but hang out to dry the first chance they get. I'm just done. I'm so ready to leave and we better get to leave because I really don't think I can survive another year here. We're pretty sure we're going to be able to leave, and we better or I think Thayer will be living up here for a while by himself. I'm done being sad, I'm done feeling hurt, I'm just.... done. Life was easier when I was a hermit... at least then I wasn't getting hurt by others. I'm done thinking someone is my friend... I'm done being a friend of convience, I'm done with all these "fair-weather" people. I'm done asking for help then getting no reply then having the people I ask turn around and want me to do something for them. NO. I. Am. Done. I'm done being walked on... I'm done keeping it bottled up. I'm DONE.

I've Got Friends in Cold Places.....

So... I just want to say that I've made some really amazing friends up here in this frozen tundra that is Minot AFB. They have no idea how much they help me and make me smile even when I really really don't want to. I love them for all that they do and never even know they do! I never wanted to be a military wife... and to be perfectly honest, my first experiences with other military wives really left a sour taste in my mouth. I'm glad to have finally met some ladies that except me for who I am, flaws included! I'm not perfect, no one is and I'm so happy that they understand me. I'm finally starting to come out of my shell and let them see the goofy side of me! I really can be a lot of fun... just sayin! While Minot might not be my favorite place in the world, the company I now keep is making these cold winter months worth while.

Also, to my friends back home, I love you all too! I miss you guys and I can't wait to see you the next time I get to come home! I love how we can always pick up right where we left off like we were never even apart. I know that distance can and does put a strain on any type of relationship, but I'm glad to know that I can alway call you and harrass you!

Baby... It's Cold Outside!

So I think winter has finally hit Minot. The wind is blowing like crazy... it is in the single digits... it feels like it's in the negative digits... BRRR! lol It snowed some yesterday... maybe a half inch. Come on Minot lol That's not that impressive, why don't you give these noobies a taste of a real Minot winter! Bring on the BLIZZARDS! :-P

So.. the funny thing about winter in Minot is that you're cooped up inside a lot. Guess what that leads to?! DRAMA! I think some military wives seriously get off on starting shit with other people. It's one thing if it is actually true, but if you're making shit up because your crazy or something, you need to get off Facebook and get a life! So there is at least one completely false rumor going around me right now. Military life is worse than high school sometimes and it only seems to be in the base. I didn't have to deal with any of this crap when I lived off post... but then again I didn't know that many people either.

In other news... I have a job! It's not at the BX though. I got a call the morning I was supposed to start at the BX from NAF and they wanted to hire me to work at the CDC. I took that job because it pays $3 more an hour and it is something I would enjoy more than working at the BX. (No offense BX employees). I'm still going through background checks and things. Hopefully I will have all of that sorted out by next week.

I go in next week to have my HSG done. I'm so mad at myself though, because I forgot to go in on Sunday and have my bloodwork ran! I guess it will just have to wait until next month. I also go in on the 23rd to see the RE. I hope that everything goes well. I'm ready for some good news. I should be able to go on Clomid after the HSG results come back and I get my period again. Maybe I'll have an awesome Christmas or Birthday present this year! Here's to hoping!

What else... the dogs are doing well. Kaia loves the cold and Myst hates it. Kaia loves the snow and Myst just looks at me like "you seriously want me to put my paws on the cold wet crap." She just looks so annoyed with me, like I can do something about it. Kaia's birthday is next week. She will be one year old! She has now reached her adult height but she can bulk up and put on more weight up until she's about 18 months old. Right now she's sitting at 44lbs, which is not nearly as big as we thought she would be. Her mommma and daddy were both about 70lbs.

Military Wives... Where do you belong?

Categories of military wives… as explained by the non-fiction book Army Wives by Tanya Biank.

1. The shit stirrers – The gossipers. The wives who lives seemed so shallow and silly; they never volunteered for anything. They never cooked a hot dog or washed a car, but they never stopped talking crap about somebody or something. These women just didn’t have enough to occupy their days.
2. The drama queens – The wives who embellish their sagas for the sake of attention.
3. The whiners – The wives who always have something to bitch about. These women are so absorbed in their own woes they never stopped to think that all the wives were in the same fix. Didn’t the whiners know that sergeant so-and-so was an equal-opportunity annoyer, and that chances were good their husbands weren’t the only ones getting shit upon? There was no assuaging a whiner. The whiner’s trademark is “my husband.”
4. The rank puller – Wives who loved to wear their husband’s rank, as if they too, had taken an oath to defend the Constitution.
5. The ass kissers – Wives who are usually married to ass kissing men, and as an ass-kissing couple they would smooch the hide of anyone who might get them ahead.
6. The shining happy people – The perky, cutesy shining happy people who had perk, cutesy marriages and perky, cutesy kids and always a perky, cutesy story to share.
And finally...
7. The “I’ve-got-my-shit-together-club” – Women who could handle themselves and who had control over their house and children. Women who made the best of it, who were stable and strong.