It's Hard to Write Something Good When You're Crying so Hard

Too beautiful for Earth

That’s what I tell myself.
My baby was too wonderful, too grand
For this treacherous land.

A love so brief and unbelievable
Waiting for months and years for those two little lines
And for just a few short weeks
Baby Bean, you were mine, all mine.

I did the best I could for you.
I loved you, cried for you, and treasured you.
But now empty arms are little comfort
For my broken heart.

Your daddy loved you,
Wanted you and cried for you too.
Now it’s back to just us.
And crying because we miss you.

I know that you’re in heaven.
You never knew pain, only love.
There were so many up there to welcome you
And now you watch over mommy and daddy from heaven above.

Every Limbo Boy and Girl...

Gotta love always being in limbo.

So today I went to the OB/GYN for my miscarriage recheck. Let me tell you how fun that wasn't. Today was supposed to be my first Prenatal appointment so... yeah it started off sucky. The one small miracle that did happen was that there were no... and I mean NO pregnant women in the waiting room. That would have made it ten times worse... one hundred times worse. I mean, the main reason I didn't go in for my last set of blood work at the lab was all the pregos sitting in there. I didn't think my heart could handle going through that again. (No offense to prego people, but really put yourself in my shoes for about 10 seconds and I'm sure you could understand). Today I got to ask my questions and have them answered. I asked him about clotting issues and progesterone. He said he could monitor my progesterone if we got pregnant again if I wanted him to. Which... DUH of course I do. I also asked him if it was normal that I was still having pain when I um... *TMI INCOMING* orgasm. He said it was. My uterus had started stretching to make room for the baby and now it is trying to contract back down to normal size and orgasms cause uterine contractions. This is one of the reasons he would like me to wait for 2 cycles to start trying again. Obviously my body is still healing from the miscarriage. I'm due to start my period in 6ish days and that might not be enough time for my body and could hamper my pregnancy if we were to do a treatment this cycle and have it work. So... we wait... in limbo.

Tomorrow I go to my first visit with the surgeon. It is an information gathering thing. Basically we are waiting to find out more from the surgeon before we decide what we are going to do with our fertility treatments. Ideally, I would like to have the surgery with in the next few months, wait a while, then try getting pregnant because honestly, that is the best option. It takes Tricare usually 6-8 weeks to give approval once the surgeon gathers all the information to submit to them. The surgeon could tell me no he won't do the surgery because we plan on having children in the nearish future. There are many different things that are coming into play, so once again, I am in limbo. Hopefully I will come out of the otherside tomorrow with more information. I mean, there are many reasons I would like to have the surgery.

1. It will help with my PCOS, which increases my chance to get pregnant and REDUCES my chance of having a miscarriage.

2. It will help decrease my chance for so many other life threatening illnesses as I get older.

3. Overweight people are more likely to have miscarriages so, once again, I will be reducing that risk.

4. I'm sick of starving myself and exercising and seeing no results.

I know a lot of people are probably thinking... "she's lazy and just looking for a quick fix." Not true, but believe what you will. I've always been heavy, partially due to genetics, partially due to all the steroids that were pumped into my body as a child for asthma, allergies, etc. I don't over eat (1500 calories a day). I exercise, and I will do more exercising now that the weather is nice. I have an active job (You try keeping track of ten 12-24month old kids). What it comes down to, I'm tired of struggling on my own and I want help. This surgery would be a tool to help me in my weighloss. It's not a miracle worker. I'm not going to have it done and POOF I'll be skinny. No, I will have to watch what I eat; I will have to exercise. So back to what I was saying before I rambled on.

We are in limbo because of the surgery, but I hope that I have some answers before it comes time to try to decide to take Clomid or not.

You Think You Know... But You Have No Idea.

A short vent. People tell me all the time that they know what I'm going through. That they know how I feel, that they understand my struggles, but most of the time they have no idea. They've never walked in my shoes or experienced what I've experienced. Most of the time I just want to tell them to shut up. I don't, but I desperately want to.

1. "I know what you're going through. We've gone almost a year without protection and we still aren't pregnant."

Good for you. It can take a healthy normal couple up to a year to get pregnant and that's with trying. Just not using protection is NOT trying to get pregnant. Monitoring your cycles, using OPKs, taking your temps every morning, THAT is TRYING to get pregnant. So NO... You don't know what I'm going through. Wait until you've been trying 2 years... have to take a handful of pills that make you sick everyday, and have to have a transvaginal wand stuck up your twat twice a month... then you MIGHT know what I'm going through.

2. "It took us 6 months of trying, I know what you're going through. It's really hard to wait."

6 months versus 2 years... yeah... not anywhere close. Avg. couple could take a year versus diagnosed as infertile.... yup.... still not close. Shut up before I break out my can of whoop-ass.

3. "I had a miscarriage too. I know how much it hurts and what your going through."

I'm not discounting that they too know the pain of losing a baby. They do, they understand that. But how long did it take them to conceive that child? Probably less than a year. Will they have another chance to get pregnant? Yep, probably and they will probably be pregnant within one year. Do I have that same luxury? No. I may never conceive again. That may have been my one chance. I think an infertility patient losing a baby is different than a woman that is not diagnosed with infertility.

Easier Said Than Done

Moving on after my miscarriage is much easier said than done. I was just thinking today... if I hadn't of lost the baby I would almost through my first trimester. Instead of going for a check up for a miscarriage, I would be going to the doctor Monday for my first OB appointment. It's a bitter, nasty pill to swallow. Monday will be full of many emotions, none of them fun. Instead of my husband going with me and hearing our baby's heartbeat for the first time, I'll be walking into a waiting room of pregnant woman all alone knowing that my baby is dead. How does one get over this? Two years of dealing with fertility treatment only to have my dream taken away. Life is cruel and unfair. It simply is. I guess I won't be a mom in 2011.

Thayer said he thinks we should celebrate Mother's and Father's day. I have mixed feelings on this. I think this year it's going to be even harder than it was last year. Mother's Day is a difficult day... and now that my hope at becoming a mother is long gone... I can only imagine that it will be more difficult.

Someone else who is going through infertility treatments said to me "well at least you got pregnant." That's so mean and sad. Why would someone say something like that? Are we playing the "My life sucks worse than yours game?" Because I'm sure I could win hands down when comparing my life with many other people. Who would really wish for a miscarriage? In some ways, I wish I never would have gotten a BFP. The pain would be less for certain. I had my dream... and then my hopes and dreams were crushed. It's better to have hope (which I did) than to have hope and have it completely crushed. I've always been happy for other women going through the same struggle as me when they got their BFP. Why? It gives me hope. Yes, I'm sad for myself. I'm sad it wasn't my turn... disappointed. Am I jealous? Yes. But would I think for a second to hope that they miscarry? NO. Would I think if they did miscarry? Gee well at least you were able to get pregnant? NO. Just because you're pregnant once doesn't mean it will happen again... ever. Not when you're dealing with infertility.

All in all... I miss my baby. I miss the dreams I had for my child. I miss the connection I felt with my husband when I was having OUR baby. I miss that glow I had on my face.

Harry Potter-athon

So... I love Harry Potter... the movies, the books.... the games. I LOVE Harry Potter! This weekend Thayer and I had a Harry Potter-athon. We sat and watched all of the movies on video in honor of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, Part 1 being released on DVD. I love spending time with my husband, even if I am, at times, distracted because I'm doing homework at the same time. I'm so glad I share common interests with my husband (like Harry Potter). I know I'm a huge dork, but Thayer loves me for it. He laughs that I cry when Dumbledore dies... but eh... I still cry everytime. I cried when Hedwig died too. I once wrote an essay over Harry Potter for my Young Adult Literature class. I must say, it was very good and I received an A. It was about discrimination in Harry Potter.... you know, mud blood, muggles, pure bloods. It was a really awesome topic! Anyways, yay for my Harry Potter-athon!

Answers.... kinda.

So the last few days have brought some answers my way, but I'm still waiting on others. Thayer found out officially that they took him off the early separation list. He will be serving out the last of his enlistment, which is up in July 2012. I'm bummed because I was so looking forward to getting out of North Dakota and going home and starting the next chapter of our lives. Now we're just waiting again. I hate always waiting for my life to begin. I was ready to go home so Thayer could start college and I could start being a teacher... I was ready to get out of North Dakota so I could actually get some quality healthcare when it comes to infertility. I was just ready to get out of this place. I jokingly said that I should just go back home and pretend that Thayer is deployed to North Dakota. I just don't want to be here anymore. It just seems like there is so much bad juju floating around... so many sad memories in this place. I'm just ready to move on with my life, but that all got the brakes put on it. Don't get me wrong, I love my husband, and I'm glad we finally have answers. I hated... HATED being in limbo. I had finally got used to the idea that we were leaving and was making plans, then BAM they change their mind. It sucks that they have the ability to toy with people's lives so much. One thing I was looking forward to getting away from was the horrible drama. I'm tired of being a good friend, only to be walked on. Then, on the other hand, I'm scared to rock the boat. There are a handful of people I know I don't want to be part of my life, but they're friends with so and so and if I don't keep things kosher with them, then it starts like a military wife war. It's bloody ridiculous. I'm sick of people thinking that it is okay to treat one another bad and put others down. We are grown women... I just wanted to put all the cattiness behind me.  Don't get me wrong, there are some wonderful ladies up here, but I'm found out since the miscarriage just who I could and could not rely on... and the results were staggering. Now I guess I just have to settle for going home on vacation in July. I just hope that Thayer will be able to get leave so he can come with me.

As for answers I'm still waiting on, I might get on the 25th. I finally go see the OB/GYN for my miscarriage follow-up visit. I started birth control a couple weeks ago after I stopped bleeding. My PCM said this was okay to do, so I did it. It will kill 2 birds with one stone. It will keep me from getting pregnant while I'm still healing from the miscarriage. It will also make sure my cycles stay semi-normal. Because of the PCOS, I don't have normal cycles most of the time. This will help keep me on track and ensure that I do have a "normal" period following the miscarriage. I also want to talk to the Dr. about going back on treatment after this cycle. I don't want to wait another one. Most things I've read say it is okay to go back to trying after one normal cycle, even though my OB recommends waiting 2. Time is ticking away. One thing I really want to know is... if I started bleeding at 5w4d... then why was the baby I passed 2 weeks later bigger than a 5w4d baby. When I passed the baby *graphic* it was attached to a large clot that was flat and about the size of my fist... and the yolk sak was just smaller than the size of a half dollar. I'm not sure when I ovulated... so we don't really know how far along I was. I just want to know... did my baby keep growing... what could have been going on?

I also go to Bismarck on the 26th to meet with the surgeon. It's just like an informational meeting of sorts to get more information and learn about how to really start the process. While I'm waiting for all that to go through... and I COULD be denied... I don't want to stop my treatments. I mean, I'll stop them once I know for sure I'm having the surgery and I'm 100% certain that it's going to happen. But the approval process could potentially take months. I'm not just going to sit around and wait and put my baby dreams on hold for all those months.

Sock It To Infertility

So, April 24-30th is National Infertility Awareness week. In honor of NIAW, I started a small crusade that is turning into a huge event. It started with just my family and friends on Facebook, but has spread so far. The event is called "Sock It To Infertility." It is an event that people donate socks to, and the socks are then distributed to women that are undergoing fertility treatments.  Right now I have over 100 people saying they will donate at least 1 pair of socks. I hope that I will be able to touch a lot of lives and that this help spreads the word about infertility and that it is a serious disease that affects millions of couples in the United States and around the world. Statistics say that it affects 1 in 8 couples in the USA, and could affect as many as 1 in 4 couples world wide. That is a staggering number. Fertility treatments are costly and most states don't mandate that insurance companies help cover the costs. For more information on how you can help those going through fertility treatments check out RESOLVE. RESOLVE is The National Infertility Association and they have a plethora of awesome information about infertilty, how to support those going through treatments, etc.

Small Comforts for Empty Arms

So... it's been almost 2 weeks since I really said goodbye to my little bean. Some days are more rough than others. I would be somewhere around 9 weeks now. I've been trying to find comfort in small things. One thing that comforts me the most is that my baby has so much love up in heaven. I know Bean is being loved like crazy by an amazing great-grandma and great-grandpa and an aunt. I know they will take good care of Bean until I make it up there. I know in some people's eyes, Bean wasn't yet a person. Some people may thing that Bean was just an alien looking ball of cells... but I don't know how something Thayer and I loved so much couldn't be in heaven. I know I'll see my little bean eventually, but until then... Bean has so many people to love and care for her.

We all have these kinds of days... right?

Today was a bad day... no other way to describe it. It was a horrible, rotten, no good, very bad day. It started off with Kaia waking me up whining over and over again. Then I got up and got started on my homework and nothing was going right. I didn't understand one part of the project. I needed more ink for my printer... then after Thayer had already ran to the BX, I realized I was out of paper too. I was just so moody. Then I looked around and saw that the house was a mess. While I was struggling with my homework, my husband was sitting on his computer playing a game. It just didn't seem fair at all that I worked 6 days this week, then had to do homework... and then had to do all the housework. So I snapped. I mean I went off on him... I ripped him a new asshole. I yelled, I screamed, I just.... Snapped. When I was mad and yelling at him the truth came out.. and we ended up just holding each other and crying. I was mad at him, deep inside, for not being there when I lost the baby. First, he wouldn't go to the hospital with me... and then when I was crying and in so much pain when I passed the baby he was lying on the couch sleeping his lunch break away. At one point I was lying on the couch crying loudly, he woke up and asked me what was wrong... then just went back to sleep. I was ANGRY... I was angry that I had to throw our baby away. I was angry that he got to sleep while I had to flush our baby down the toilet. I was angry because I thought he was semi-happy that I lost the baby and with the move and getting out of the Air Force... it would just be easier to not have the baby. I was angry because he didn't seem to care. I could go on and on... I was just so angry. I'm glad it is out in the open... I'm glad we got it out of the way. I just wish I could have calmly talked to him about it. I don't think I would have ever talked to him about it, had we not fought though. Everything is fine now... but it was seriously a bad day.

Lately I've just been so stressed and frustrated... school, work, moving (not knowing about moving), the miscarriage.... It's just so much to deal with it. I feel overwhelmed and all alone at times. I'm one of those people that feels they always have to be strong, not talk about it, deal with it on my own.... That's just how I am. I don't talk... and then it all builds up.

This not knowing about moving is driving me crazy. We know we have to be out of Minot by the 31st of May... but we have no check list. We have no orders... we have nothing to go off of. The papers are signed so we know we're leaving by the 31st... but that is ALL we know. Not being able to plan anything is killing me. It is so frustrating.

Sometimes A Girl Just Needs Her Mommy...

I'm one of those women who is lucky enough to be able to call my mom my best friend. I love her. She can still kiss all my boo boos away. She can make everything better. I've been trying to be so strong. I try, at times, to hide my tears from Thayer. I don't want him to worry and feel bad. I don't want to make him sad or upset. I've always thought I have to be the strong one. Lately, with everything going on, I can't help to think about how much a hug from my mom would do for my heart. My mom has the magic touch. I can't help but believe her when she says, "Everything will be alright." Right now it feels like nothing will ever be right again. My heart is broken and I don't know how to fix it. This isn't a heartbreak I've experienced before. I just hate feeling alone. Thayer isn't experiencing what I'm experiencing. He doesn't have the guilt, the sense of failure. I'm sure he's sad. He's broken down and cried, but it isn't his body that is failing.

Military Life... Military Wife...

So there have been a lot of things about military life that have been frustrating me as of late. I'm frustrated by always being in limbo. I can't ever make a plan or envision my future. I can't follow my own dreams because I'm stuck (for lack of better words) following my husband. We were supposed to get out of here in May. That may or may not happen. We don't know yet. What we do know is that we will be out of here by the end of the summer... supposedly. I sit here with a Bachelor's in English Education that I can't use... I'm almost done with my Master's, yet I still can't use it. It is so frustrating to have a dream that you can't attain. Am I saying it was a mistake marrying my husband and becoming an Air Force wife? No. I don't regret it for one second. I love him with all my heart, but I would like to make some plans. I would like to know what lays in my future. I would like to know where I will be living in 6 months. I just want answers and they never seem to come. I want to know if I'll be able to have my surgery. I want to know if I'll be able to continue my fertility treatments. EVERYTHING... our entire lives are in limbo and it is INCREDIBLY frustrating!!

The other aspect that has me frustrated is other military wives (some, not all). They can be so damn frustrating. Some of them have less maturity than their children. Some of them constantly bitch... Oh my husband isn't around to babysit me... blah blah blah. Time to grow up ladies. If you think 12s are bad... wait for deployment. Thayer used to work 16+ hours... sometimes they would go over their timeline and he would have to stay the night out in the field and he couldn't even call me to let me know. I just had to assume all was well when he didn't come home for 24+ hours straight. It's military life. Maybe it isn't the right fit for your family... maybe at first you didn't know what you signed up for... but damn... bitching all the time gets old. We are all military wives, we all have it rough for different reasons and we don't want to hear your sob stories. *Big Girl Panties*

Oh... and then there are the gossipers. Really... when you point a finger three more point right back at you. You're not innocent. You too make mistakes. Talking behind people's backs just makes you look pathetic. We're adults and not in high school anymore. It's time to grow up and put your.... BIG GIRL PANTIES ON!... okay, I could go on... but enough bitching and bad juju. Going to go to my happy place now... my husband's arms!

Brown Chicken Brown Cow

.... I am so ready to be intimate with my husband again. We haven't had smexy fun time since we conceived our angel baby. That was a long time ago. It is frustrating, because once again, I feel like I'm letting him down. I feel like I can't do anything right. Believe me, he's very supportive and I know he loves me. I do really really miss feeling close to him in an intimate way. He has take good care of me. He holds me when I cry, which is almost daily. I'm just so overwhelmed with life. Between school, work, possibly moving (being in limbo), the miscarriage, possible surgery... just everything is jumbled and stressful. I feel bipolar. Last night I was tipsy after dinner and we were driving home and I was so happy and joking one minute... and the next I was thinking about how if I were still pregnant I wouldn't be able to drink and I burst into tears. Life has been such a rollarcoaster and I'm ready to get off the ride.

D-O-N-E

I'm just done. Done with Minot, done with most of the people here, done with the drama, done with the fake people who pretend to be your friend but hang out to dry the first chance they get. I'm just done. I'm so ready to leave and we better get to leave because I really don't think I can survive another year here. We're pretty sure we're going to be able to leave, and we better or I think Thayer will be living up here for a while by himself. I'm done being sad, I'm done feeling hurt, I'm just.... done. Life was easier when I was a hermit... at least then I wasn't getting hurt by others. I'm done thinking someone is my friend... I'm done being a friend of convience, I'm done with all these "fair-weather" people. I'm done asking for help then getting no reply then having the people I ask turn around and want me to do something for them. NO. I. Am. Done. I'm done being walked on... I'm done keeping it bottled up. I'm DONE.