This is a window into my life.... Infertility, Pregnancy Loss, Marriage, Weight Loss Surgery, and finally... a multiple pregnancy.

Learn more about my Infertility Journey here:
3 years and counting

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Friday, June 29, 2012

Interesting Week...

For the first time ever I started a job and quit it in the same week. It just wasn't a good match. The place wasn't exactly on the up and up if you get my drift, and I just didn't want to be associated with a place like that. Additionally, I start my internship in about 5 weeks so I wouldn't really make that much money anyway during that time with only working about 15 hours a week. I'm not heartbroken over it.

On a wonderful note, I now have my internship officially lined up. I met with the director of Special Education for the school district and she was very open and receptive to me coming into the district to complete my education. It really was a breath of fresh air for someone to be so welcoming. She asked me what age group I would like to work with and where I might feel the most comfortable. Because I did my Bachelor student teaching in a high school setting I have elected to do my Master's internship at an elementary school. It will definitely be different working with the little folks. The school is a lot larger than what I'm used to as well. There are 4-5 classes in each age level of K-4. I met with the principal and vice-principal as well on the same day at the school I will be at. They were both awesome. I can't begin to express how excited I am about my internship as well as finishing up my degree. Now, the only thing I have left to do is decide on what I would like to do for my Scholary Project. It's all coming to an end. I'm super proud of myself! Also, the district has already asked me to make sure I get on their substitute list. After I complete my internship, which should be done around the beginning of October, I will substitute teach until I can apply and get a full-time teaching position.

In the fertility front... tomorrow is CD29 so we will see if AF will show on time or what. I'm not sure if I even ovulated this cycle. PCOS is so frustrating! If my cycle is really messed up and AF doesn't show on time I think I might go back on BC for a couple of months to get things regulated better.

Saturday, June 23, 2012

What is going on!?

So this month I'm uncertain if or even when I might have ovulated. This sucks. A lot. I guess I should be used to it because really it's just the same old shit as always, but I really was hoping things would work out after surgery. It was the month for my "lazy" ovary though. I've always had trouble with the one side producing eggs. This just all really discourages me. I really do feel like I went through all of this for nothing. Deep down I know I shouldn't feel that way, but I do. I KNOW that I will have a healthier pregnancy and life now that I'm not overweight, but that's not the main REASON I went through all of this. Life is just a rollar coaster now. Based on a 29 day long cycle I should get my period next Saturday. I guess we will see if it shows up on time. Maybe based on my period I can estimate back to when I might have ovulated. Yesterday I had some cramping in the ovary area. It was CD21 which is late even for me to ovulate. I guess I will know if my period shows up a week late that, that was when I ovulated. I know not to even bother getting my hopes up this month because there wasn't a whole lot of BD to be had. Between me being so sick and the husband getting sick, it just didn't happen too often. Oh well... I'm not sure if being apathetic is better than being depressed, but I'm starting to turn towards just not caring or trying to pretend I don't care.

Tuesday, June 19, 2012

Winner At A Losing Game

The only thing that comes to mind for starting out this particular blog is a quote from Dirty Dancing, and I'm not really sure why.

Baby: So I did it for nothing. I hurt my family, you lost your job anyway, I did it for *nothing*!
Johnny: No, no, not for nothin', Baby! Nobody has ever done anything like that for me before.
Baby: You were right, Johnny. You can't win no matter what you do!
Johnny: You listen to me. I don't wanna hear that from you. *You* can!
Baby: [pause] I used to think so.

This kinda describes how I feel right now. I've gotten two "almost" positive OPKs, but no positive. I feel like I went through this surgery for nothing at this point. My periods are starting to become slightly irregular. This is my fourth month off of birth control. I've always had more difficulty with my left ovary not working quite right. May I ovulated from the right side (I'm pretty sure), so in June it would be lefty's turn. I think my left ovary is lazy.

Anywho, I'm feeling pretty discouraged at this point. Yes, I've lost 101 pounds, I suppose that is something to be celebrated. I look great and feel amazing. Again, this is something I should be ecstatic about... but these aren't the reason I went through with having weightloss surgery. I didn't do it to be more attractive. I didn't do it to be sexier. I did it to help become a parent. I did it to help my PCOS, which was made worse by the extra weight. I feel like I can't win no matter what I do or no matter how hard I try. I don't know if I'll ever be a parent at this point. I feel sad and hopeless. Over three years of trying and what do I have to show for it... lots of sticks that I've peed on and one dead baby. How incredibly depressing....

Before infertility and losing my baby I used to think things would be easy. I naively thought I "could" get pregnant. I even took all kinds of precautions to try and prevent it. I didn't think I would ever feel so down and hopeless. Sometimes it's better than other times... maybe I'm starting to deal with the fact that I might not ever be a parent. That's a difficult pill to swallow. I don't know how to even begin processing it, but I guess at this point it is something I need to contemplate.

Saturday, June 16, 2012

No "O" In Sight

Today is CD15 and there is no ovulation in sight. This isn't abnormal to me. I usually ovulate a few days later than "normal." I just hope that it isn't the start of things going downhill. I don't want to worry, but I'm so scared that I'm going to quit cycling and ovulating on my own. I just want to be normal and healthy for once. I want my PCOS to be better. I don't want to struggle anymore. I want my surgery to achieve the results I want (weightloss and helping my PCOS). I just don't know what to think anymore sometimes. I could be worrying about nothing. Only time will tell if my body is working on it's own still. I just have to wait a few more days I suppose. I guess I will also go out and find something to pee on to check my LH levels to see if I am going to ovulate.

Friday, June 15, 2012

Not Always What You Expect

I've come to learn that life isn't always what you think it will be. If you asked me at age 20 what I thought my life would look like in 5 or 10 years down the road this is certainly not what I would have envisioned.

Please don't get me wrong, I love and care about my husband, but I also think there is a certain part of me that will always wonder "what if." There is a part of me that will always care about and wonder about how my life could or might have been different if decisions were altered. I'm not sure if this is "normal" or not. I would like to think that it is.

In my past I have been in some relationships that were not exactly what I would describe as being "healthy." My first fiance was not a good man. We started dating right before I turned 17 years old. I thought for sure he was "the one." (Thank God I figured that one out before it was too late!) Things went well between us for a while. He treated me very well up until I caught him cheating on me with his ex. He didn't sleep with her, but there were emails back and forth between them where he told her how much he missed her, loved her, and wished I were her instead. This all occurred right after I turned 18, and I was a senior in high school. At this point, he had also already asked me to marry him, and naively (or stupidly) I had said yes. Also by this time the emotional abuse had started. He called me names and put me down a lot and I believed him. Because of him I had changed my college plans. I decided to go to a local university instead of out of state like I really wanted. Then it all kind of blew up in my face. A few months later he cheated on the ex who he had gotten back together with, with me. Part of me just wanted to prove that I could get him back while another part of me was lonely and scared of being alone. This, in turn, caused them to break up and I took him back. Long story short, I ended up moving in with him and things were okay for a while again. Because of the emotional abuse I had already endured from at this point, I really thought I couldn't do any better and no one else would want me. Again, the emotional abuse started and not long after the emotional abuse, the physical abuse began as well. The first time he ever hit me was when I called his ex a "slut." That should have been a red flag for me. He slapped me across the face hard enough that I ended up on the floor. Of course he promised he would never do it again and said he was sorry. I think he even bought me flowers the next day. (My God... it seems so cliche.) Time went on and I kept taking it until some online friends of mine really drew my attention to how wrong I was being treated. They really gave me the courage to leave him and strike out on my own. With this ex I do not wonder about what might have been. I don't care. I know he wasn't good for me and I know that I deserve better than any type of life he could ever offer me. End. Of. Story.

The next relationship is where things definitely linger even now. A few months after me and the asshole fiance numero uno called it quits I met another guy. He was younger than me, but we really seemed to click. I was 20 and he was 18 at the time. We had a lot in common and could talk to each other for hours on end on the phone. He made me feel happy and special and loved. We were in a long distance relationship as he lived in Missouri and I lived in Kansas. In the end, the distance was our biggest downfall, that and all the baggage I had from my previous relationship that I was still trying to work through. He found someone that lived closer and we remained friends. Most of the time we were "friends" if you get what I mean. Even when he was in other relationships he would still come to me. I still cared deeply about him and loved him that I took whatever scraps he was willing to throw my way. Nope, it wasn't a healthy relationship (for either of us), but that's neither here nor there at this point. I ended up moving to Missouri to attend college (which had always been my dream) and we continued our "friendly" relationship. God how I loved him. To this day I'm not sure if he knows just how much I really cared. I dated some in college, but the whole time I kept wishing and hoping that one day he would come to me and tell me he was sorry for everything and that he wanted to be with me. That day didn't come and I eventually met Thayer.

And the rest is history... kinda. In some ways he is the one relationship I feel I didn't really get closure with. Maybe it is due to the nature of our relationship. Maybe it's how everything turned out with him and his now ex and me and Thayer getting married so quickly. I'm not really sure. Sometimes I do wonder "what if" and think about "what might have been." Is it normal? I supposed to some extent it is. Do I still care about him? Yes, he is and will forever be my friend. Do I love him? Again, yes. Do I love him differently than I did in the past? Yes and no. Am I sometimes confused about my feelings? Yep... but I'm trying to work through that and figure things out. Hey... I'm just being honest here. Do I love my husband? Yes. Does he drive me nuts a lot of the time? YES!!! Would I change my life and that path I'm currently on? I don't know, life is a work in progress.

Things are a little weird now that I'm living in Missouri again. This is my old college stomping ground. This where I found freedom and independence. It's weird now to be back and be married and no longer have all those same freedoms. Life doesn't always turn out the way you expect it to. The road of my life has been met with storms, pot holes, speed bumps, twists, turns, and mountains.... but I'm still here trying to make it through and trying to make the best out of everything I've been given. Yes, I get discouraged. Yes, I get knocked off track. Yes, I get scared and sometimes don't know which way to go or turn... but I try. I guess that's what makes the difference. Trying and sucking things up no matter what road blocks come up.

Tuesday, June 12, 2012


Well I'm finally joining the land of the living again. lol I have been going around and around with AT&T for the last 2+ weeks about getting DSL service at our new place. I would just like to say they have the worst customer service I have ever encountered and if we had ANY other choice for internet service we would be switching to them in a heartbeat.

Now, on to other business. I started my period on Saturday, June 2nd. I'm currently on CD11. I don't really have any explanation for last month. I don't know why my progesterone was so high and caused all of the "pregnancy" like symptoms. I will probably never know. At this point, Thayer and I have decided to let whatever happen, happen. We aren't trying, but we aren't preventing either. I guess I'm okay with that. I just get so tired of getting my hopes up for no reason. I'm pretty much sure at this point that it will never be my turn. June 5th was our THREE year trying to conceive anniversary. In our 3 years of trying I know people that have had 2 children and they started trying AFTER we did. Life inherently sucks and is beyond unfair.

Right after moving down here to Missouri, I got really sick and had to go to the ER. It was really scary for me. I thought I had really hurt/damaged my neck. Instead, I found out that I had a really nasty viral infection that affected my muscle coordination, balance, equilibrium, and muscle strength. I'm almost back to my normal self, but at the height of my illness I couldn't even walk to the bathroom by myself. I couldn't hold a water bottle up and drink out of it. I was almost like a stroke patient. It all scared the hell out of me. I was so worried that I would end up stuck that way for the rest of my life. I spent 14 hours up and the ER. I'm so glad that I'm on the mend now. It really put a damper in getting everything in the house set up after the move. There are still boxes in the garage that need to be unpacked, but I'm really just taking it slow and one day at at time. It took nearly 4 days for my fever to break with the infection and I still feel pretty weak and tired at times.

Also, in other news.... I HIT MY WEIGHTLOSS GOAL!!!!!!!!