This is a window into my life.... Infertility, Pregnancy Loss, Marriage, Weight Loss Surgery, and finally... a multiple pregnancy.

Learn more about my Infertility Journey here:
3 years and counting

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Monday, February 28, 2011

Doo Wah D.I.T.Y, dity dum dity doo!

To DITY move or not to DITY move... that is the question. Thayer and I are weighing our options right now. I'm hoping that if we do, do a DITY move that we will have some friend that will help us for some pizza/beer/cookies. We've never done a DITY move, but I think that it might be our best option because most of our belongings will be going into storage for a couple of months.

Thursday, February 24, 2011

O is for Ovulation!

So... I'm bloody pissed! The doctor told me the other day that I would not ovulate this month. I am now 95% sure that I ovulated yesterday. I have all my tell-tale symptoms. (I won't go into detail.) Tomorrow I just want to go into the doctor and have blood drawn so that I can know for sure. I WILL be calling the doctor tomorrow and I WILL get what I want. I'm sick of the doctors up here doing a shitty, half-assed job. It just pisses me off that I quit testing my pee because the doctor said it wasn't going to happen. Thayer and I also laid off the baby-making so... even if I did ovulate there isn't much of a chance I'll get pregnant. I'm just sooo frustrated!!! lol It would be my luck that I find out I am pregnant this month and then Thayer gets out of the military. I really do have the shittiest luck in the world. So... hopefully the doctor will do what I want him to and draw my blood. grrr!

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Stay on the Sunny Side...

So... I have had a Shit-tacular week. Bad news from the doctor yesterday. Bad news from the husband today. From now on, I'm going to try to stay on the "sunny side" of life.

First to fill you in on the bad news.

Doctor - I kept testing for ovulation with OPKs. I never got a positive... I only had faint LH lines. I called the doctor and he told me "Oh you probably aren't going to ovulate this month. Try again next month." Ok... it wouldn't be so bad if 1. Clomid didn't make me sick as a dog and 2. I didn't have to have a random person stick a "wand" up my va-jayjay twice a month. It seems like all the pain and sickness is in vain when nothing happens.

Thayer - Thayer is more than likely getting early separation from the Air Force. At first it really made me upset. I mean its like we're getting tossed on the street. No job, no home, no insurance, no nothing. After I got home from work Thayer and I sat down and made a plan. If he does get early separation we will most likely have to move by May 31st. If this is the case we are going to go back to Kansas and live with my parents for 2 months until he can start school in August and use his GI Bill and get BAH, etc. He is planning to go to Missouri State University just like I did because they have a great Computer Science program. Thayer was really upset because he thought I might leave him or something. I had to reassure him that NO I wasn't going to live him... I married him for better or for worse and as lot as we have each other, we have everything!

Pluses of getting out of the military:


Things will be okay! Yes, I will miss the wonderful ladies that have become my friends up here in North Dakota... but I also miss my friends and family terribly from back home!

Sunday, February 20, 2011

la la la... and a couch

So... this blog will be a bunch of random crap from my life that has happened in the last week.

I haven't ovulated yet... so I'm super happy about that... but worried at the same time. I had my U/S last Wednesday. My biggest follicle only measured 13mm. The last time I had my U/S at that time, my follicle measured 17mm. I was super sure that having the stomach flu during my Clomid cycle had thrown everything off. Now, I'm not sure if it did or not. It is ideal that my follies be over 20mm when I ovulate. Follicles grow at the rate of 2-3mm a day... so if it was 13mm on Wednesday... then as of today they should be measuring 21mm at least. It's not bad for them to get bigger, but it's not really necessary. Now I'm starting to worry and think "OMG what if I don't ovulate at all!" If I don't ovulate by tomorrow night I will probably call Dr. Billings first thing Tuesday morning and see if he wants to do another U/S to check size then do a trigger shot. I was starting to get a faint LH mark on my OPK's and it's still there, but it quit getting darker and is just staying about the same color. Also, I can feel it when I ovulate. I get cramping that is slightly different than period cramping. I haven't had that yet, so I know for certain that I have not ovulated yet.

This month I have been trying my hardest to not make Thayer feel like he is being used. I've tried to make the timed intercourse more fun and exciting instead of "ok.. today is the day. Let's get it done." Sometime's it is hard to make planned sex fun and exciting. (not that ya'll wanna know about our sex life). Don't get me wrong... we have a great sex life, but knowing that we have to have sex every other day and we can't just take a roll in the hay whenever we want gets a little... too mundane for us. We like to be spontaneous.

Let's see... this weekend we had a great weekend together. We had a date night on Saturday. On Sunday we went to Slumberland because they were having a big President's Day sale. We bought a new sectional for half price! I'm super excited to have really nice furniture. I love feeling like an adult and having such a nice house with nice things in it. Our next big purchase will be a new bed (King Size this time) and a new bedroom set. The only problem with this is that Thayer and I have way different tastes when it comes to furniture. He likes more traditional and I like things that are more modern. Hopefully we'll be able to find something that we both agree on! We will move our current couch down to the artic room and move the futon up to the spare room. Our 2nd bedroom is completely empty. One day it will be a nursery.

I'm also planning a surprise for my Mom for her birthday. She turns 50 this year (lol sorry mom). I'm bummed that I can't be there to celebrate with her, but I wanted to do something nice for her.

Also, Thayer and I will be going home for a visit this summer. We are leaving after work on July 8th and we'll leave to come back home on the 23rd. Kaia and Myst will be making the trip with us. It will have been a year since the last time I was home. The weekend we make it home we are having a family/friend cookout at my parent's house and the following weekend will be the "Boy's" birthday party out at the barn. It's just a big, drunken party for my dad and some of his friends who have birthday's in July. I hope that we will be able to be at Kimani's birthday party this year. Hard to believe he will be 3!

Sunday, February 13, 2011

Don't You Hate It When You Pee On Your Hand?

So... once again is that time of the month that it is time for me to start peeing on things once a day (sometimes twice). *sigh* lol I'm ready for this ride to be over. So I get to pee on OPKs (for the fertile people in the audience, those are Ovulation Predictor Kits). These little sticks will tell me when my body is fixin' (yes, I said fixin') to pop out a little egg (or two). In combination with my ultrasound on the 16th... we will know if I have any mature eggs and approximately when they will be released. This will help us time our baby-making sessions to optimize the potential for getting pregnant. Ahh... the joys of infertility.

I think the worse thing is that every time I go in for an ultrasound I have 1 or 2 new people looking at my girly parts. Kinda embarrassing... This last time it was a guy and he was really professional about it... but it is still weird! In the last few months I have had like 10 people other than my husband in or around my girly parts. Thayer thinks it's a little funny when it's a girl doing it because... I guess it fullfills some sick lesbian thing in his head. One of these days I'm going to make him go along with me for one of my ultrasounds so he can see what a walk in the park it isn't.

I'm hoping that getting the stomach flu during the middle of taking my Clomid didn't screw everything up this month. I had to take it about 12 hours late on the day I was sick because I couldn't keep anything down. I just kept waiting and waiting until I knew I was holding at least something down. I took it late, but at least I got to take it and I know that I got the full dose.

Monday, February 7, 2011

Wish I Didn't Know Now, What I Didn't Know Then

So I got some blood work results today from the day I had my ultrasound. They checked hormone levels and all that to make sure all was on track for another month of trying to get pregnant. Come to find out I had an "early pregnancy loss" or a "chemical pregnancy." Things still look okay for us trying this month so I guess that's a good thing... but I kept saying something felt weird with this period. Things weren't going they way the usually did... something just felt off. I guess I was right... there wasn't anything that could have been done about it. I'm going to try to get past it, put a smile on my face, and move on. I cried my tears, thought about what might have been, but now it is time to look to the future. Life is too short to dwell on the past. I almost think it would have been better if I never knew... things would seem less hurtful and complicated, ya know?

Sunday, February 6, 2011

Friday, February 4, 2011

sigh... nothing more to say

So... I'm not pregnant. No huge surprise there. Am I sad? Yes. Am I pissed? Yes. Am I disappointed? Yes. Does life suck? Yes, right now it does. I'm not sure what else there is to say. I started today... this is my first period in months that hasn't been produced by Provera. I had some really weird symptoms yesterday so I was scared and confused. I didn't know what was going on with my body. So.. with starting my period today that means I had to go in and have my ultrasound. It hurt like a bitch. I'm so sick of being in pain and having to go through all this while people that don't deserve to have children get to keep popping them out. So once again... is Clomid, another ultrasound, lots of sex, then lots of hoping. Do I feel really hopeless? Yes. It is incredibly hard not to. Thayer took good care of me while I sobbed, cried, blew snot all over him. He just held me and let me cry and reassured me. Today he is grumpy... I think partly because he knows how upset I am. He's a good husband and a good man. I told him yesterday that he deserves better than me. I feel like I'm not good enough for him. I can't make him a dad... at least not right now.