It Ran for Cover

In the world of infertility, hope is very fleeting. Some days it's there, some days it's gone. Today is a "it ran for cover" type of day. For some reason I'm just feeling really down. Maybe it's the fact that I'll have to spend another holiday season with empty arms. The holidays aren't that much fun when you don't have kids and you desperately want them. I feel as if I'm doomed to be an infertile failure for the rest of my life. No matter what I do, no matter what I try, no matter what medicine I take, nothing seems to be doing the trick. I know it's my fault. I'm the broken one. I'm the one that can't give my husband a child. I'm the one that can't make my parents grandparents again. I'm the one that can't make my sister an aunt. I'm the one whose body has betrayed her. I can't even do the most natural task of a woman. My hope has ran and hid and I don't even know where to look to even try to regain it.

Today I am 6dpo. I have another week to go until my period will arrive and I will know once again that I'm a disappointment. I've done everything right... but I'm being punished. Why?... WHY!?!

I haven't cried about infertility in a while, but here I sit thinking about my childless future and can't help but for alone and desperately sad. My heart aches and bleeds. My eyes cry.

I've tried to be optimistic. I've tried desperately to hold onto hope, but every month of 1 lined pregnancy tests depletes the "hope bank" a little more. I'm running on fumes at this point.

Inspiration

There has been several times that I have been told that people love that I am so open about my infertility journey. I bare my soul on my blog about anything and everything in my life. It makes me feel good when someone tells me I'm doing a good job or that I helped them get through something or even that they can relate to how I'm feeling. It's a relief to know that my own personal struggles can help someone else.

A few days ago I got a huge dose gratitude from an unlikely source and thought I would share it with you all. 

A friend of mine, I'll call here Sarah for the sake of anonymity, made a huge confession to me. She told me that she was pregnant with her boyfriend's baby even though she was on birth control. She is part of a very strict Catholic Mexican family and knew that it would absolutely break her parents heart. This friend is a smart, successful woman. She went to college and graduated last spring. She just happens to be part of that .1%. She came to me to tell she was pregnant not to hurt me, but to tell me that I had helped her decide to keep the baby. She had initially wanted to have an abortion because she knew how much her parents would disapprove. Her exact words were as follows: "But just wanted to tell you that after thinking a lot, I decided to keep it and you were one of my reasons, because I've seen you stuggle for one, and you were a inspiration to keep it, because of you I realized so many women dream of one so much it would just be cruel and horrible... It is a gift no matter how hards it's gonna be... so I don't know if this will affect you or not, but I just wanted to let you know that in some way you helped me and my little one."

My point is not to advocate for or against abortion. Personally I believe it is a choice everyone should have access to. My point is that you never know who or how your story can help others. If I hadn't been open and willing to share my experiences and desperate longing to have a child then she may have made a different decision. It's nice to know that I have made a difference in not only her life, but also her child's life. It's nice to know that my struggle isn't always in vain and that other people are getting something out of hearing and reading my story. You never know what sharing the good and bad in your life end up doing.

In All Seriousness...

 

Is it sad that I know exactly how Dumbo's mother feels. Each month hoping, praying, wishing that it would finally be my turn. Watching everyone else have children, even people who don't deserve them or want them. It's so watch everyone else get your dream and feel like it will never, ever happen for you. It is so hard to have hope month after month. People say to just relax, not to worry. I'm not sure how that would even be possible. How can you not think about your dream of becoming a parent, especially when you HAVE to work to try and become a parent? Mrs. Jumbo is a strong elephant. Even as her heart breaks she continues to hope. Even when she is the odd woman out and every other elephant has a child to love and hold, still she hopes. I guess that is one thing going for me. I know that I'm an incredibly strong woman who keeps trying no matter how much my heart breaks. Month after month, cycle after cycle, still I try to keep my head up. I try my hardest to have hope. It's never easy to keep going, to try and put each failure behind me, but I do my best.

 

 

 

There are so many times I put on a happy face and pretend that everything is okay. I have become pretty accustomed to putting on a show and not letting people know if and when things are bothering me. Sometimes all I really need is someone to tell me it wille be alright and give me a hug.

 

 

 

Every month, when a new cycle comes, women go through grief. Even if they know there is little hope, they cling to that. This doesn't mean I'm weak. This doesn't mean I'm a bad person. All it means is that I love my unborn, unconceived child more than most people could even dream of.

 

This is something I seem to struggle with every month. I'm never quite sure after another failed cycle how much more I can take. Usually on CD1 I feel like throwing in the towel and saying "I give up!" I have a good cry and pull myself together over the next couple of days. I put on a happy face again, go get my refill of Clomid and prepare to begin again.

 

Infertility Humor

There is nothing more annoying than bitches complaining about how long it took them to get pregnant, especially when it was such an insignificant amount of time. Try over THREE YEARS bitch!

It seems like the people that shouldn't or don't deserve to be parents are the ones that can get knocked up over and over again without trouble at all. Teenager, people who suck welfare dry... etc.

lol not much more to say about this one...

Apples to Oranges

Sometimes I get really aggravated when people try to compare two things that really aren't alike at all. Here are a few examples of what I'm talking about.

- I have had many people compare them working on getting their Associate's degree to me getting my Master's. These, my friends, are apples and oranges. I have an Associate's degree. I know the work it involves. Yes, there are difficult times, but all in all it was pretty easy. You show up to class, you do the homework, you get a grade, end of story. Not saying that these people shouldn't be proud of their accomplishments. I'm not saying THAT at all. I'm simply saying the time and dedication it takes to receive an Associate's degree is less than it takes to receive a Master's degree. Surely this makes sense to most people. Logically, an advanced degree is going to take more effort than a, for lack of better words, basic degree. There is a reason that full time for a Master's program is only 9 credit hours and full time for Associate's and Bachelor's are 12 credit hours.

- Another one is infertility. I know people that have been struggling with infertility for years. Yes, I feel for them to a certain extent. But in some cases part of their situation is their own fault. In a few situations the couples do not have insurance that covers any treatment (this is pretty typical), but instead of saving money they go out and spend it on frivolous things. That would be find and dandy... that is their choice... until they compare their journey with mine. I firmly believe if you want something bad enough you will do anything in your power to try and attain whatever it is you want. I work tirelessly on trying to become a mother. I've saved up money for different things. I've planned ahead and know what treatments will cost and how we will go about affording them. I do all of this because I WANT IT BAD. Going out and wasting your money on stupid shit, then saying "I don't have money for treatments" is just asinine. If you want it bad enough you will save every penny. You would be willing to do anything in your power to become a parent. That is where the apples and oranges come in. I'm willing to do anything to become a mother, including having my insides cut apart and rearranged whereas these people aren't willing to say no to that new tattoo or new car, etc.

There are others, but these were the two weighing most heavily on my mind at the time. I won't apologize for what I've written. I'm not sorry if it offends you. This is the way I feel.

For When I'm Feeling Discouraged...

Tonight beings another month of pill popping to try and get pregnant. Maybe this will be the month. I found a few images of inspiration for when I start to get discouraged or defeated.

 

 

 

It's Hard Not To Give Up

So another cycle has come and gone and ended in failure. I was so positive. I was so upbeat. I was so optimistic. Now I'm just defeated. I thought that surely the Clomid would be that little boost we needed to get over the baby-making hump. I guess I shouldn't have assumed that for once my life might actually be made of rainbows and unicorns shitting butterflies.

I started spotting on Thursday and knew then that it was all over even though my temp hadn't dropped yet and my boobs still hurt like mad. Friday AF came in full force. My cramps were killer. Even after taking medicine they still woke me up in the middle of the night curled up in pain. Thayer warmed my rice heat pad up for me and laid and talked to me and held me during the worst of it. I was crying partly because of the pain and partly because it was another failed month. Another month that I was broken. It also means another month of trying, of timed intercourse, of a medicine that makes me feel ill. It's more and more of the same with absolutely nothing to show for it. It's so frustrating and heartbreaking and sad. Through my tears I told him I was sick of hurting every month and that maybe we should just give up. Maybe I should just go back on birth control and we should forget about trying to have a baby. He just looked me in the eyes and said, "We can't do that. We've already come too far to give up now." At the time, I was probably having a moment of weakness, but I would be lying if there aren't times when I think about giving up and throwing in the towel. At least if we weren't trying anymore and knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that there was no chance then I wouldn't have to endure the endless heartbreak any longer. I'm not sure where things will go in the next few months. We do have a lot to think about as far as school and careers.

Tokens of Fertility

A couple of years ago a woman I met while my husband was stationed in Minot learned about our troubles in trying to have a child. She had experienced infertility herself with her last child (she had just had her 4th). Secondary infertility was really hard for her to deal with, especially when the other 3 were so easy to conceive. After hearing about our troubles, this fellow military wife gave me a gift. She gave me a fertility goddess necklace that someone else had passed down to her. She felt it gave her good luck in getting pregnant as she was finally able to conceive within a couple cycles of wearing it after an extended time before. I was so thankful for her gesture I cried and she cried and we hugged and cried. This all happened right before we were getting ready to begin our first medicated cycle at the beginning of 2011. I wore the necklace, things went well and I conceived on our second cycle of Clomid (while wearing the necklace).

Prior to our first medicated cycle I also purchased a fertility bracelet for myself. It is made of different stones that are thought to increase fertility as well as having a charm for the same purpose. At the end of the blog I will explain all of it with the pictures if you're interested in reading all of it.

Now, that I've explained all of this. The other day I was looking through my jewelry box and came across my bracelet and necklace. I immediately put the bracelet on, but held off on the necklace for some reason. Last night, I started feeling "superstitious" for whatever reason and decided that I had to wear the necklace as well. I will not take it off until I have my dream. Thayer helped me put it on last night and I hope that once again it will bring is good luck.

Just like the women before me, once I have gotten pregnant and carried my baby to term I will find another woman to pass off my fertility goddess necklace. I already have a few people in mind if I happen to get my dream before they do.

On a separate but related note, I'm worried about the future. I keep thinking and planning ahead and this is just causing me a great deal of worry. Let me explain. I will graduate in December with my Master's in Special Education. This spring I will begin looking for and hopefully get a fulltime teaching position as a Special Ed teacher. This being said. If I get pregnant in the next 2 cycles I will have the baby during next summer and will be okay to start school immediately in the fall as a teacher. If I do not, however, I will be due in the fall which isn't good when trying to land a teaching job. I mean really, what school wants to hire a teacher that couldn't work the first month of school or would have to take maternity leave at the beginning of the first semester? This really throws things off. So, do I keep trying for my dream to become a mother or do I put things on hold after 2 more cycles to set up for a teaching job? I could really use some advice!

Tonight is also my last night of taking Clomid. The side effects haven't been nearly as bad as before. I've had a few hot flashes and some headaches and a couple of bouts with nausea. All and all, much better than when I was on it before. Onward and upward with the baby dancing soon!


Now, more about the fertility necklace and bracelet for those interested...

Fertility Goddess Necklace - it is in the shape of a pregnant woman. The pearl represents the head and the turquoise is the pregnant, extended belly. With this particular one, most people wouldn't know it was a fertility necklace unless I told them, and I'm thankful for that.

Explanation of Stones:
Turquoise provides protection, grounding, strength, courage, love and luck.Turquoise is also a token of friendship. Perhaps it's strongest ability is for alleviating negativity. Many Indian tribes associate Turquoise with fertility.
Freshwater Pearls: Symbolize tears, provide love and fertility as well as the prevention of negative events.

Then I also have the bracelet. I think it's pretty and most people would just think of it as fashion jewelry. Again, it doesn't look like anything fertility related. Mine is made up of 3 different types of stones: Moonstone, Aventurine, and Clear Crystal Quartz. It also has a charm on it of a butterfly.

Explanation of Stones/Charm:
Moonstone has a reflective and calming energy by balancing emotions due to stress and anxiety. It is said to have the power to grant wishes. Moonstone is often used for fertility and infertility as it is said to regulate a woman’s menstrual cycle and boost female energy. Moonstone is a love stone, and is said to draw love to its wearer. It can help solve problems between lovers. If it is worn during sexual intercourse, it not only can make the woman very fertile, it is said to help impregnate her too. In addition Moonstone is used to promote grounding, protection, sleep, luck, selflessness, hope, clarity, and safe childbirth.

Aventurine is is used to encourage pregnancy and enhance fertility. It is considered a the stone of love, which can boost all feelings and emotions, and also promote optimism and self-confidence. It is also believed that this stone can help to win over the heart of the loved one. It is also used to promote friendships, happiness and increasing luck.

Clear Crystal Quartz is a stone of power. It has healing, protection and balancing properties. It is also used in maintaining your body’s immune system.

Butterfly charm is a symbol of the fertility of the earth and rebirth. It is believed that butterflies are actually spirits that bring the hope and promise of rebirth and new life.

One.. Two.. Thirty-Eight Strikes You're Out...

Yep, cycle 38 is a bust, or at least I'm 99% sure. About 20 minutes after my last blog where I was very hopeful I went to the bathroom and guess what I found on the TP? I was spotting a little brown. There still isn't a lot of spotting. It isn't even enough to require a liner. It's just there when I tinkle and wipe.

FML. I'm so sick of this rollar coaster crap. I'm doing everything right. DAMNIT if a 15 year old can "accidently" get pregnant why the hell can't a 27 year old woman with a Master's degree accomplish it? Life is so unimaginably unfair. I take good care of myself. I eat good because I have to. I take all my vitamins so I don't get sick. I'm doing it RIGHT. Why is it always the people who do things wrong that get rewarded? A crackwhore that's a mother... really? How is that remotely fair or "just?" It's not. Simple as that. I know... I know... no one ever said life was fair, but this is getting damn ridiculous.

So I guessing come Thursday or Friday I will have my first full day of "flow" so it will count as CD1. Then the plan begins. Clomid 5-9 with my extra B6 and Iron along with my prenatal and Women's One-a-Day. (Yes, 2 multi-vitamins because I require 200% of all vitamins because of the malabsorbtion.) Hopefully B6 on it's own instead of in a B-Complex will help with my luteal phase and the iron will help my lining because I think I was borderline anemic before I started taking it. Technically today is CD29 and I'm 11dpo. Blah.

Blue Moon Baby Maybe?

So Friday I am going to take my pregnancy test (if AF doesn't show before then). Friday also happens to be a blue moon. For those who don't know, a blue moon is the occurance of a second full moon twice in one month. This is where the saying "once in a blue moon" comes from. During the 20th Century there were only 40 instances of a blue moon so you can see how rare they are. A blue moon happens only about once every 2.5 years.

Today I just kept thinking about how interesting it might be to find out I'm pregnant on a blue moon. Does testing on a blue moon mean something special? Is there some "hidden" message in me possibly getting pregnant this month? I did some research and found that blue moons can be a source of good luck. This is what I found, "The blue moon is not only a metaphor for something that occurs rarely, but it also has a history of portending luck, though without the pleasant and easy bifurcation between that of good and bad varieties. Superstition only has that the occurrence of a blue moon is the perfect time to plant the seeds of long-term goals that will blossom in the sun of a future day."

Hmmm... long term goal.. I would say having a baby is a pretty long term goal, and it will eventually blossom on a future day. Maybe I'm reading to much into this. Maybe it isn't a "sign" at all. I guess we shall see in a few days. Either way, AF starts or I test and I'm pregnant. If I am pregnant I know I'll spend the next several weeks being petrified that I will lose this baby too. Maybe the blue moon will be a good luck charm for that?

I just want some luck. I want something to finally go my way. I want this SO bad. I've waited for what seems like forever. I'm ready. I've been ready.

I also found it ironic that if we are pregnant this month our due date will be exactly 1 1/2 years after our due date with Baby Hope. Coincidence?

Lovin' It!

So I had a great visit at the OB/GYN today! I love my doctor. He really listened to everything I had to say and put all the concerns I have to rest. It was such a great visit, especially compared to the bull I dealt with up in Minot. Because of the weight loss, he thinks that I will be fertile all on my own. He did agree to put me on fertility medications (Clomid) for 3-6 months to just help things move along faster.

He told me that the reasons my periods are so much lighter now is because of the weightloss but it's not really a concern. The reason it isn't that big of a deal is because fat produces estrogen which causes the uterine lining to build up much thicker, now that I've lost so much fat I don't have as much estrogen production to cause the lining to be overly thick like it was before. Also, the reduced estrogen production is what is really helping with my PCOS. He's not worried about my progesterone dropping and causing miscarriage again because of how much more healthy I am now. He also thinks my luteal phase is still long enough to enable me to get pregnant.

So, with all of that, next month I will start one Clomid again. I'm should be ovulating any day now, so it is too late for this cycle. I will be on it for CD5-9 which is different than when I was on it before. Last time I was on it for CD3-7. The main difference between CD3-7 and CD5-9 is follicles. On CD3-7 you produce more follicles but they will be less mature and on CD 5-9 you produce fewer (possibly only one like a "normal" person) but it will be much more mature. Also, this time I will be starting on 50mg. Last time I was on it I was started on 100mg. He is starting me out at a lower dose because he doesn't even think I will technically need the medication.

I can't even begin to explain how happy I am about finally getting quality healthcare. The medical care in North Dakota was a complete joke.

So, the doctor thinks we will have something to celebrate by Christmas time! Here's to hoping. Keep your fingers crossed for a little baby Olin on the way in the next few months!

Yay for Tomorrow

I now have two days of my internship under my belt. Both have been great days. The school is huge compared to what I'm used to. Everyone is very nice and welcoming. I've met a few of the kiddos I will be working with. Special Education works a little different at the beginning of the year. We're letting the kiddos get used to their new classroom before we start pulling them out for their "intervention" time. Some of the kids are going to be a handful for sure, but I have a good mentor teacher and the paras in the room both have a background in education. All in all, I really love the room. It is a little... weird that my mentor teacher is the same age as me. She's working on her Master's right now as well and has about a year left.

On to other news...

Tomorrow I have my appointment with the OB/GYN! Wish me luck! I really hope he listens to me and will let me do a few rounds of Femara. I'm not scared at all walking into this appointment. I'm looking forward to it and to get the ball rollling on fertility treatments again. At the same time, I know that I might be met with more disappointment. The treatments give me even more hope than I usually have and it makes getting my period that much more difficult. I am hoping my doctor is willing to listen to everything that I have to say. I've done my research. I know my stuff. Hopefully I won't have to go through too many other tests. I foresee bloodwork in my future.

I haven't ovultae this month yet. Today is CD 16. I took an OPK yesterday morning and this morning. Today's was darker than yesterdays. That's usually how my cycles go. The lines on the OPKs get progressively more dark until I finally get my positive. I will test again in the morning so I can be sure to let my doctor know the results. This month is my lazy ovary's month and I usually ovulate later (CD19ish). I wonder if the doctor will put me on progesterone from the beginning or wait until I actually get a BFP. Just so much to talk about, but I'm SOOO ready!

Femara vs. Clomid

So I think I'm going to change my fertility plan once again. I've been doing a LOT of research about different medications. I recently read a blog about the differences between Clomid and Femara -- There are 3 parts (Part 1, Part 2, Last Part). I definitely think Femara is going to be a better choice for me at this point so that is what I will be asking my doctor for. Both medication essentially do the same thing, but in a different way. The main reason Femara will be better for me is that it has a shorter half life than Clomid (half life = the amount of time it stays in your system). Because Clomid stays in your body's system for almost double the time that Femara does, it can affect your uterine lining and make it thinner because it blocks estrogen for longer. Femara leaves your system faster so it has little to no affect on the lining of the uterus. Lately I have been having trouble with my lining being too thin due to my mal-absorbtion issues from gastric bypass. I believe that Clomid would probably only complicate this pre-existing condition. It is something I will definitely discuss with my OB/GYN. Femara is more expensive out-of-pocket than Clomid, but as long as I get it filled before our insurance runs out in September I should be good to go. I'm just hoping my doctor will go for it. Some doctors won't prescribe Femara and make you see an RE for anything more than Clomid. I probably won't do monitored cycles, due to the insurance issues, but I know when I ovulate so it's really not that necessary as long as everything continues to go as it has been.

Old Emotions Emerging

Now that we are officially TTC again all my old emotions about infertility are really starting to come out again. It's been hitting me pretty hard the last couple of weeks. I have felt very overwhelmed with everything going on in my life. The rest of 2012 is going to be a very busy time for me, but I'm not putting off my dream any longer.

I wasn't so upset every month when I got my period when I was on BC and when we weren't really trying. It was a nice reprieve from all the stress of being infertile. Yes, I still had pangs of jealousy when people would announce their pregnancies or show of their new babies. Yes, being infertile still hurt, but it was different knowing we weren't even trying. Now all those old emotions are hitting me like a ton of bricks. All the old stress is back and NO I can't relax. There has just been this whole flood of emotions. I feel broken again because now something else is wrong with me. I feel like a failure again when another cycle passes with no positive results. Why me? Why can't this nightmare just be over? I just want to have a family and move on to the next stage of my life. After surgery I had so much hope that it was the answer, that things would be better afterward. Now I've had to come to the blinding conclusion that my life isn't that simply. Apparently, there will always be some loophole I have to jump through to obtain my dreams. I don't know what the next few months will bring. I would really love my doctor to put me back on Clomid, but I don't know if that will happen either. I hate feeling so out of control. That's one of the worst things about infertility, none of it is in your control. I feel so alone in this battle as well.

What Doesn't...

Kill You Makes You Stronger... whoever said that can kiss my ass. I'm tired of having to be strong all the time. I'm tired of being stressed and worried. I'm tired of everything in my life requiring so much effort... much more effort than it does in everyone else's. I just want to catch a break. Don't I deserve to catch a break? What have I done to deserve any of this? Seriously, when will things stop taking a giant crap on me?

I am beyond frustrated with the Department of Veteran Affairs. They keep leading Thayer around in this giant circle of him trying to get all of his GI Bill benefits. He's been in school since June, but we still haven't seen a dime of his housing allowance. If we didn't have a good amount of money in savings we would be living out on the streets with no food to eat. The way this country is treating its veterans is RIDICULOUS! I've watched the veteran's office at Missouri State fax in the paperwork they are now saying they never received. If they mess this up again, I'm going up to the Veteran's Center here in Springfield and ripping someone a new asshole. They now owe us almost $3000 in back housing allowance and we better get every dime of it in back pay.

It looks like I'm having to change up my fertility plan again. After this last cycle I could clearly see where my body was off. I started spotting 11 and 12dpo and then started on 13dpo. This is obviously a luteal issue. After doing some research and talking to a friend of mine, I decided to go on additional B vitamins. A deficiency in B-complex vitamins can cause a shortened luteal phase so hopefully boosting them up will correct the problem. Additionally, my period was once again very short and light. This could mean that I have an iron deficiency, so I added an iron pill to all of my supplements. Because of these changes I decided it would be best to hold off a month on beginning the Vitex and Red Clover herbs. One thing at a time. I want to see how the vitamins help. I am also going to see the OB/GYN on August 16th. I'm going to request that he do whatever bloodwork and prescribe me Clomid. I may be ovulating on my own, but who knows what the eggs and follicles are looking like. I know on Clomid in the past I have had really good luck with growing really mature follicles. I just want to give myself the best chance possible to conceive. I'm tired of waiting and beating around the bush. I was made to do that cycle after cycle up in Minot and I'm not going to do it anymore. I'm going to take 120% control over my fertility and future. I will get sassy and bossy. On a side note, Thayer says he would like to go to my appointment with me. I think it's great that he finally wants to be involved in this whole process.

I've also been dealing with depression again because of all the stress. I just feel completely overwhelmed. I'm worried about money and paying bills because of the military screwing us in the butt. I'm worried about my cycle being messed up. I'm scared that having surgery and losing all this weight just messed me up worse and made my chances of getting pregnant even worse than they were before. There are always about a million things running through my head at any given time. I've been having trouble sleeping for weeks now. I've tried resetting my schedule and it's just not working.

Tricky McTrickison

The worst thing about the 2ww (two week wait) is how much your mind can and does play tricks on you. So many of the symptoms of being pregnant are very similar to those many people experience prior to getting their period. Sometimes I'm so hopeful that this month will finally be my turn again. Then I get to thinking about all the disappointments of the past and can't help but feel discouraged and hopeless. Once again this month I began with hope. Everything was timed perfectly. We BD the day before and day of ovulation. We know that my husband is not the problem so all should go right, but still it never seems to happen. I really don't know what could be wrong. Maybe I will get some answers when I go see the OB/GYN in a couple of weeks if we get a BFN again this month.

I'm tired of my mind playing tricks on me. I feel like I might be, but it always ends the same... only one pink line on a stick. I've had a mild, dull cramping since 8dpo. It occured more on 8 and 9dpo. I've lost some weight. I did that the first time I was pregnant. I've had a headache since last night. My back is a bit achy. I've had trouble falling asleep. I wake up feeling exhausted, not sleepy just tired and fatigued. I've also been feeling hungry some, which I haven't really had a lot of since having surgery almost a year ago. I don't want to get my hopes up, but it is so difficult.

Then when I start to think about being pregnant again I get scared. I don't know how I could take losing another baby if it were to happen. At least this time I can be pretty sure that I will get the proper medical care down here so that I don't lose another one to something preventable like last time.

Today is 10dpo. I plan to test on next Wednesday. I don't want to do it before then because it really isn't worth it. It just leads to undo pain.

Appointments and More...

Today I called my PCM and got a referral to see an OB/GYN in my new town. I'm going to see the doctor that officially diagnosed me with PCOS back in 2007. I knew I had it long before I was ever diagnosed, however. I'm nervous and excited all at the same time. My appointment is August 16th. If we get a negative this month, then my appointment should be right before I ovulate. I'm not sure what he will do. I know what I'm hoping for. I would like to have bloodwork done and I would like to go ahead and get a prescription for a few rounds of Clomid. I'm not sure what I want will happen. I know I need to make a list of medical procedures I've had performed in regards to fertility treatments. I also need to make a list of questions to ask. I hate that this feels like we're starting over from the beginning again. I just hope we don't have to go through all the testing again. I still need to call my old clinic and have my medical results sent. I will do that in a little bit. I suppose it is also time to change my PCM to a doctor down here. It almost seems pointless because our Tricare coverage ends in the middle of September.

Today is 5dpo. I had sore breasts 2 days following ovulation. Now I'm not really having anything, though that's not uncommon. Now it's a waiting game. If AF doesn't show then I will test on the 2nd. I guess I will see what happens in the next few days. We shall see if my temperature stays up and if any symptoms start. Though I've learned not to trust some of those aspects either. I live my life 2 weeks at a time. CD1 to CD14-16 -- Waiting to ovulate. CD14-16 to CD28-32, waiting for AF to show up. One of these days I won't have to live life like this. One of these days it will be my turn. I just have to keep hoping and keep my head up.

Facebook is Serious Business

Let me tell you.. being deleted as a friend on Facebook just cuts me to the core. I don't know how I will ever live without you... *dripping with sarcasm* Do people honestly think it will just hurt me or anyone that bad by getting deleted on Facebook? Some people are so ridiculous and childish. People never cease to amaze me. I don't want or need fake friends/people in my life. Please, don't let the door hit you on the ass on the way out.

On another note, I am thankful that Facebook has the option to edit subscriptions to people. In the recent months, when everyone has been getting knocked up besides me, this has been a LIFE SAVER! It's not that I don't want to be friends with these prego people anymore. It's more of a self-preservation. My heart cannot take constantly being bombarded by it anymore. I can CHOOSE to go to their Facebook and see how they are and how their pregnancy is on MY terms. I don't have to have a whole newsfeed full of it. THANK GOODNESS!! It is especially frustrating when people I once was friends with due to a common bond of infertility are now pregnant and doing the exact thing that used to make them so upset. So many infertiles who eventually do become pregnant kick the Facebook status updates about their expanding bellies into overdrive. Most of them SWORE they would never do that... yet as soon as they see two pink lines the obnoxiousness begins. Hell, when I found out I was pregnant, I sent out an email to my infertile friends before EVER making a post on Facebook so they could mentally prepare themselves. I plan to do this again if I ever manage to get knocked up again.

On to the realm of getting knocked up. I received my Vitex and Red Clover in the mail yesterday. I will begin taking them my next cycle if we receive another negative this cycle. I will take 1200mg Vitex for my whole cycle and Red Clover (3 drops every day -- this is equal to 105mg) from CD1 to ovulation. I am also calling Monday to get a referral to see an OB/GYN down here to get everything checked out prior to us hitting the TTC hard when September comes around. Yes, we've been trying, but not like how we used to. I also want to see if he/she will go ahead and prescribe me 3 rounds of Clomid. I don't want to dance around and wait forever like we had to in the past. I'm NOT trying for a whole year to see if I'm still infertile. lol No OB/GYN better try to convince me of that shit!

I also did a picture update the other day to show my weightloss progress and thought I would share it on here as well.

What did you do today?

Oh... not much. I just hatched an egg. :)

Yep, I ovulated last night (CD15). I had the cramping. Now I can tell my progesterone is on the rise because the boobs are a little tender (not too bad though). I gave up on temping LONG ago. It just didn't work for me. I would rather pee on things instead. I do track my temperature after ovulation though. I watch for it to drop. It always drops the day before my period comes. It's kind of like my little pregnancy test.

Last night I was really craving frozen yogurt too. We drove into Springfield and went to CherryBerry. It was delicious. I had American Apple Pie flavor... mmm SO GOOD! :)

Tonight we have tickets to the midnight showing of The Dark Knight Rises! I'm super excited! I love the Dark Knight series. I'm kinda sad that it is all coming to an end, however.

Lately I've been kind of frustrated with people's ignorance about how their own bodies work. It's really not that hard to google and figure out how long different stages of your cycle should last. The latest was a woman claiming to have nausea, peeing a lot, sore boobs... all of these 5 days after ovulation. I hate to break it to her (and I didn't) but your little fertilized egg wouldn't even implant until usually 7-10 days after ovulation. There is no way that your made up symptoms were signs that you were pregnant. " Implantation occurs on average 9 days after ovulation and fertilization, it can happen as early as 6 days after ovulation until 12 days after ovulation." IT IS CALLED GOOGLE! I know how long each phase of my cycle should be. I know signs that these phases are occuring. Today my boobs hurt... does that mean I'm pregnant? NO.. lol I just ovulated yesterday! Besides, if this woman's hormone levels are high enough to make her nausious they should be high enough to be detected on a pregnancy test. However, that will NOT be happening 5 days after ovulation. lol END VENT about fertility stupidity.

2... 4... 6... 8...

Tomorrow I will probably ovulate!

Today I got an almost positive/positive ovulation test (picture below).

Today is CD15 so ovulation should occur on CD16. This month I'm back to my "good" ovary instead of my lazy ovary. I'm pretty sure that this month will end in disappointment just like every other month, but I guess we shall see. At least I'm ovulating all on my own and earlier than I did last month. That is a step in the right direction. I haven't been able to start one the Vitex or Red Clover yet because I'm still waiting on the new shipment that I had to order offline. They should be here before the beginning of my next cycle. I really do think that part of my problem is my uterine lining not being thick enough. Part of that is due to my deficencies from surgery. I'm hoping to boost that up with foods as well as using the Vitex and Red Clover. I know that our "timing" has been good so there has to be some other explanation as to why things aren't "happening." I guess the quality of the eggs I'm producing might also not be the best. About the only way I know to help that would be Clomid, which I know I won't be getting anytime soon. Once again I'm struggling on my own without medical help. Blah.