This is a window into my life.... Infertility, Pregnancy Loss, Marriage, Weight Loss Surgery, and finally... a multiple pregnancy.

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3 years and counting

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Friday, December 30, 2011

Happenings of 2011

2011 has definitely been a year of ups and a year of downs. It has been one hell of a rollar coaster ride. Here is a brief summary of what 2011 held for Mary Olin.

January - Finished my first cycle of Clomid. Ovulated and chemical pregnancy.
February - Completed a second round of Clomid. Got pregnant on Feb 23rd... Yes I know the exact day I conceived. The doctor said I wasn't going to even ovulate and should just give up and try again the following month.
March - Found out I was pregnant on the March 10th. I started spotting exactly one week later and gave "birth" to our little angel on March 29th. This is seriously the worst and hardest thing I have EVER had to go through. People say mean, cruel, hurtful things. People still do this to this day. I love my angel baby. Baby Hope will always be my first child and I will never forget her.
April - I decided to pursue weightloss surgery to increase my fertility by helping my PCOS and decrease my risk of miscarriage significantly by being at a normal body weight.
May - Mother's Day sucked.... hardcore.
June - Father's Day sucked.... a lot.
July - I went home for a visit for two weeks. I flew and was reminded of why and just how much I hate flying. I was pissed that my sister "conveniently" left the day I got into town so I couldn't see my nephew at all. It was a pretty good visit. Got to see some old friends, though some of them I wish I could have spent more time with.
August - This month marked 4 years since my sister was murdered. Her killer is still at large and the Wichita Police Department is the biggest bunch of fuck ups I've ever heard of in my entire life. I also decided to get gastric bypass instead of just the lap band. I also did one last cycle of Clomid to see if we could miraculously get pregnant. It (obviously) didn't work.
September - September 7th I had my gastric bypass surgery. My mommy came to visit me at the end of the month! By the end of the month I was down 20lbs.
October - I returned to work following my surgery. Thayer and I had a lot of marital issues this month. Things were pretty rocky for a while. We also celebrated our 3rd wedding anniversary on October 16th. By the end of the month I was down 33lbs.
November - By the end of the month I was down 45lbs. I started back on Metformin, and since going back on this medicine to regulate my PCOS, I have seen an increase in my weightloss. My body is actually working correctly so now I can lose the weight more effectively! This was a hard month because Baby Hope was due on Veteran's Day (11/11/11). I can't help but think about what might have and could have been. We went over to some awesome military friends house for Thanksgiving.
December - I helped plan most of the Enlisted Spouse Christmas party. By the 31st of December I am down 61lbs! Christmas was hard this year. I couldn't help but think I should have a newborn and should be hanging a "Baby's First Christmas" ornament instead of my Baby Hope memorial ornament. Christmas has been rough for me since my grandma died when I was 14... it's never really gotten any better, only worse as I keep losing those I love. I did, however, spend a wonderful Christmas Eve with part of my military "family."

Monday, December 26, 2011

Rounding out the Year

So 2011 is coming to a close. It has been a year full of ups and downs to say the least.

Yesterday was Christmas. On Christmas Eve we went over to a friend of ours and had a wonderful Christmas Eve with our military family. I tried goose for the first time. It was actually really good. Tasted a lot like steak to me, but with a little bit of a "gamey" taste. We opened presents and laughed. It was a good time with great friends.

Christmas day was pretty uneventful for Thayer and I. We played games and watched movies. I also did some housework. Christmas just isn't the same for me and I was trying my hardest to keep my mind off Baby Hope. It's so difficult to think we should have had a baby to celebrate with this year, but we didn't. It is still a hard pill to swallow at times. I know that people that haven't been in my shoes really just don't understand. I can't really expect them to. I can, however, expect them to have compassion and understanding for the feelings I have.

Thayer talked to his mom. His dad went to the Phillipines and left his mom all alone in Guam for Christmas. The shittiness of his father never ceases to amaze me. I guess to get him back, Thayer's mom is spending extra on the kids for Christmas. Since he is spending all this money over in the Phillipines, she is spending more on Thayer, his sister, and even me for Christmas. We also found out that next summer she is coming over to the states so spend a few weeks with us. Hopefully we are all settled in our new place in Missouri. Everything is up in the air still. Thayer is waiting on his official orders so we can start to arrange our move. We shall see if that happens. Once again we are left waiting. If we do get orders for March, then the last day we will possibly be out of here is March 31st... in 96 days.

For once, I wasn't trying to hide in pictures. I love all the new-found confidence I have. I can't believe how far I've come since September 7th. As of today I am down 60 pounds. That's half a person! Here's a picture from Christmas Eve! I'm starting to look skinny! 

Saturday, December 24, 2011

I Miss Shopping :(

It is official. I miss shopping. I find myself browsing all my favorite stores online and finding shirt after shirt that "speak" to me... but alas, I do not buy them. My head knows that it would be a waste of money to purchase clothing that I probably won't be able to wear but for a couple of months. Sometimes I just really really want to buy something though! It's so exciting to be able to look at clothing in the "normal" people stores and not have to shop in the "plus" size sections anymore. I can't wait until I can go out and buy a whole new wardrobe once I finally stop being the incredible shrinking Mary. I know I have a long way to go yet. I'm only a few months out from having my surgery. I plan to lose at least 50 more pounds. People that I haven't seen in a while and run into tell me that they could hardly recognize me. I've been getting compliments. People are saying that I'm looking really good. I'm not sure how to take it all. I know I look completely different. My wedding rings don't fit. My necklace hangs lower on my chest because my neck is less fat. EVERYTHING is changing.

For the most part I'm happy. Actually 98% of the time I'm beyond happy. I do still have my moments though. I wish we could still be trying for a baby. I wish I wouldn't have had to do this in order to have a successful pregnancy. Then again, I'm willing to do anything to have a child. No matter what, I will be a mother of a baby one day and that baby will have mine and Thayer's DNA. Sometimes I think others have given up on me having children. Fine, if they want to give up they can. It's not their body; it's not their life.

It is hard to tell right now if the surgery is helping with my PCOS because I'm on birth control. The BC is making everything function more or less like it should so I can't tell if I'm ovulating. I also can't tell if my periods are becoming more regular because the BC takes care of the regulating for me. Time will tell I suppose. I hope that it does help, but even still, I am more than willing to go back on Clomid or do any other type of procedure to have a child. I won't give up hope, though sometimes I do get pretty down about it. I always make a comeback!

Wednesday, December 21, 2011

199... are you outta your mind?

Today I hit another super awesome goal today. My weight this morning was 199! I'm under 200lbs for the first time since middle school. Super... SUPER... excited!! Here's a picture I took this afternoon after work.

I'm starting to look quite a bit different and that makes me really happy. I didn't think I would be under 200 until around my birthday which is just over a month away! Hopefully in the next 3 months I will lose another 50+ pounds. After that... the weightloss will slow down (after first 6 months) but I will continue to lose. It will be at about half the rate of what the first 6 months was.

Sunday, December 18, 2011

Tummy Troubles

So it seems like everything I eat recently has been making me nauseous. This includes food I've eaten in the past without any problems. It's really kind of frustrating. I don't like feeling sick and it makes working hard. I try not to eat on my lunch break anymore. I usually just drink a small glass of juice. I have started my period pound shed. My total loss as of this morning was exactly 56 pounds. Hopefully tomorrow I will shed the other .7 pounds. Losing .7 pounds will put me under 200lbs for the first time since middle school maybe? I'm excited about that... but I wish I knew what was going on with the nausea. I guess I will just have to work through it, one day at a time.

The other day I couldn't help but think how nice it will be to spend the holidays with my "family." There are friends up here that have become like a family to me. I think that's a military thing. I won't have to deal with the drama of my real family. That in itself is a huge stress reliever. I know things are going to be difficult when I move home because I'm not in the habit of keeping my mouth closed. I've become pretty blunt, and some people don't like it. Oh well, they can either get over it or get out of my life. There are certain members of my family I don't really like or care for. I mean, who really spreads vicious lies to other family members and thinks it's okay? A certain family member of mine does. Oh well... Karma is a bitch and she will eventually get what is coming to her.

Wednesday, December 14, 2011

'Tis the Season to be Stressed...

Well, school is over for the semester! Thank God! I turned in my final paper on Sunday and finished my final project for my other class a whole 7 days early! I was proud of myself for not procrastinating until the very last possible minute for once in my life... and yes, I literally mean for once in my life. It looks like I will get A's in both my classes so I will maintain my 4.0 GPA in Grad School. I can't believe I have a 4.0 in Grad School! That's insane to me. I do have to pat myself on the back and say that I've been rocking my classes. Really, Grad School isn't more difficult than getting my Bachelor's was. It is simply a lot more time consuming. The amount of time you have to put into each class is a lot more. I'm pretty bummed that I won't be graduating in May though. Because of our impending move, I have to postpone my Internship and Scholarly Project. It is impossible to complete them and still move. My Scholarly Project basically takes the place of a dissertation. It is a huge project that I get to chose the topic over. I'm thinking about doing something involving the military and special education, but I guess I will cross that bridge when I get to it. I should be able to finish up next Fall without a problem. Here's to hoping! I'm just so relieved to have this semester complete. As for this Spring, I'm going to go ahead and start working on my Autism certificate. I'm taking 3 classes over Autism. I originally planned to start this after graduating with my Master's, but I don't want to "dropout" for a semester so I've decided to go ahead and start it a bit early.

Work is also increasingly stressful. The children are CRAZY! I love them to death... but geez! Also, there's just something about going to work that makes me feel... I don't know... less than enthusiastic. Don't get me wrong, I love the kids in my class... I think it has something to do with the vast amounts of hypocrisy that are always at play there. Oh well... it looks like, at most, I have 15 weeks left.

For once, Christmas doesn't have me stressed. I don't have any family to deal with. I just have Thayer and myself. All my shopping is done. Thayer and I and my nephew, Kimani, are the only people we had to buy for. I will probably just mail my sister-in-law a check. Thayer's parents don't get anything because I'm sick of how they treat my husband... and my parents usually say they would rather have us save our money. That is especially true this year because they know we're going to be moving and have expenses from that.

I do have happy news to report. I am 3 months post-op now... and have lost 54 pounds. I know in the next week I will probably shed pounds like crazy because I'm bloated right now from an impending visit from Aunt Flo. (Sorry if that's TMI). I'm so happy with my journey thus far. I'm currently wearing a size 16 jean and have had to get rid of over half the clothes in my closet because they swamp me. I can tell a difference in my energy level and that is exciting as well. I have NO regrets. I can't wait to continue my ride. I can't wait to start trying for baby again next year.

Even though there is a lot.. LOT of stress in my life right now. I'm content. I'm happy... and I wouldn't change a thing!

Thursday, December 8, 2011

Thinking About You

Today I was thinking about my baby. Today I was thinking about how far I've come. I was thinking about how much I've changed. Surely everything happens for a reason and often we never know the reason.

In some ways I've become a better person since losing Baby Hope. In others, I haven't been so amazing. It's hard for me to be truly sincere when someone I know becomes pregnant. It's not that I'm not happy for them. I'm sad for myself. I think, "When will it finally be my turn?" I question everything. I question the little bit of faith I have left, the tiny speck of faith that hasn't been washed away by all the tears from the events of my life.

I still hate when people bitch about being pregnant. If only they knew not to take their gift for granted. That's what bitching seems like to me... so what if you have morning sickness? It could be worse, instead of barfing or feeling nauseous you could be bleeding and flushing your baby down the toilet. I have NO tolerance left for people to complain about being pregnant.

My baby, the tiny bean that she was, changed me, changed my whole life, changed my whole perspective. It's an experience I wish I never had to go through, but it has changed me. I know what it is to love a child, my child, unconditionally even though so many have told me she wasn't a child at all. I have never known true elation like that of seeing that test say "Pregnant." I know I will never ever be the same.

I also have a new favorite song by Daughtry. It's called "Gone Too Soon." It expresses what I've struggled to put into words so many times.

"Gone Too Soon" -- Daughtry
Today could've been the day
That you blow out your candles
Make a wish as you close your eyes
Today could've been the day
Everybody was laughin'
Instead I just sit here and cry

Who would you be?
What would you look like
When you looked at me for the very first time

Today could've been the next day of the rest of your life

Not a day goes by that I don't think of you
I'm always asking why this crazy world had to lose
Such a ray of light we never knew
Gone too soon, yeah

Would you have been president?
Or a painter, a author or sing like your mother
One thing is evident
Would've give all I had
Would've loved you like no other

Who would you be?
What would you look like
Would you have my smile and her eyes?
Today could've been the next day of the rest of your life

Not a day goes by that I don't think of you
I'm always asking why this crazy world had to lose
Such a ray of light we never knew
Gone too soon, yeah

Not a day goes by, oh
I'm always asking why, oh

Not a day goes by that I don't think of you
I'm always asking why this crazy world had to lose
Such a beautiful life we never knew
Gone too soon
You were gone too soon, yeah

And not a day goes by 
That I don't think of you

Saturday, December 3, 2011

Giddy Girl!

Yesterday was an amazingly awesome day. I hit my 50 pound mark AND I fit into a size 16 jean for the first time since middle school. I was so freaking giddy. So far I am loving my journey. I'm loving feeling more confident. I love how my husband looks at me now. Maybe he's always looked at me that way and I never noticed... but still. He's amazed by what is happening to my body. Most of my shirts are starting to look way to big on me, which is awesome! I love my clothes not fitting for something other than getting fatter! I still haven't gotten sick to my stomach and I've only been nauseous 3 times so far. I haven't really had any complications and I'm still losing steadily! I can't wait for the next 3 months. 50 pounds in 3 months is amazing!