This is a window into my life.... Infertility, Pregnancy Loss, Marriage, Weight Loss Surgery, and finally... a multiple pregnancy.

Learn more about my Infertility Journey here:
3 years and counting

Welcome to the World Orion and Ronin!

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Sunday, October 30, 2011

Emotional, Less Squishy!

So I have good news to report. I am now down 33 pounds! I'm steadily getting less squishy, so that makes me happy.

I've been pretty emotional lately. I'm not really sure why. I'm thinking about going back on happy pills since we aren't going to be TTC until at least September of next year. In some ways that seems so far away. It's so hard not to think about having a baby when it's something you've tried for over two years to have. It's so hard to put a dream on hold. I know I'm taking a positive, a HUGE positive step forward that will change the rest of my life. I keep trying to stay positive, and I think I've done pretty well. Last week, admittedly, was difficult. There were a lot of reasons. I was PMSing. (AF came yesterday.) There was a lot of baby news from announcements, births, baby showers, etc. It was a little overwhelming. Don't get me wrong. I'm happy for them, but sad for myself. I hope that makes sense. I can't help wonder if and when it will finally be my time. I got a glimpse of my dream coming true, only to have it torn from me. I want to feel that glow and utter contentedness again. I was so unbelievably happy for that short amount of time. It's hard to see everyone else getting to realize your one and only dream. At this point in my life, I have achieved almost everything I've wanted and set out to do. The only thing remaining is to become a mother. I've gone to college. I have a Bachelor's degree. I'm now ONE semester away from completing my Master's. I'm married. We're financially stable. We have it all. I've done it all. There's only one thing left on this Earth that I want. Maybe that's why it's so difficult.

Sunday, October 23, 2011

Glad This Week Is Over. Period.

For lots of reasons I have had a very rough week. It's just a lot of little things piling up and feeling like I have no where to turn.

First of all, things have been really rocky with Thayer and I. We've been having a lot, and I mean A LOT of issues. We're considering marriage counseling, even though I believe counselors are mostly quacks. I've never really had a good experience with one except when I was in elementary school. I'm not sure what the best solution will be. I don't want to give up because it's worth the fight. Just some of the things that have happened, wow.

I've been having trouble dealing with my surgery and the common side effects. It's making beyond frustrated to feel this tired all the time. You would think that dropping 30 pounds would give you more energy, but every day I feel like I've ran a 5k marathon. I talked to the surgeon when I had my 6 week check on Thursday, but he said it was normal because my body is trying to learn how to sustain itself from itself. Because I eat so little, I'm living off of the stuff that already exists in my body. It hasn't been fun. It hasn't been easy. I've encountered a few food that have made my tummy upset, but I've done  good with most foods. Today I ate half a lean pocket and boy was I a sick chica for a while. So needless to day, I've been irritated by not having any energy and feeling tired all the time.

I've also had some issues with dealing with my infertility. Just a lot has happened this week to remind me over and over again what a failure I am. It's been really hard to look at the bright side of things this week. Lately it's been really hard to deal with the fact that we can't even think about trying for another 11 months. I can't help but think about my baby. I would be almost full term now. I know I should look at the "good" things in my life. And believe me I try... but sometimes it's hard. Really Hard. Unless you've been through infertility and/or miscarriage I just can't explain it. There's just something about remembering the due date or seeing different things at Facebook that just tears at your heart.

I've also been really homesick. I miss my friends back home. There's just something about having someone you feel comfortable around no matter what and you know you can call at any time. There's just something about someone you've known for most of your life that can't be replaced. I may not talk to them all the time, but I know they love and care about me no matter what happens.

All in all... I've felt very irritated, frustrated, alone, upset, sad, run down, etc. Oh... and to top it off I'm PMSing because it's about that time. Yay! *rolls eyes*

Sorry for the depressing, bitchy blog... but yeah.

Friday, October 21, 2011

Just Because You Popped it Out Your Vag...

Doesn't mean you KNOW everything.

I'm so SICK of women with children saying that people without children know NOTHING about them. Um... really? There are plenty of people in this world that have popped a child out of their vagina that know NOTHING about raising it. Giving birth doesn't make you a good parent. Just because I haven't given birth doesn't mean I don't know a lot about it. I guarantee I know more about raising a child than half the people in this world that are actually raising one.

I've taken countless classes on child development and psychology through both my Bachelor's and Master's in EDUCATION. hmmm education... doesn't that have to deal with children? Oh... and lets not forget all the babysitting I did when I was younger. And OMG... I work at a daycare. Bet I've learned NOTHING about raising children. I've actually learned a lot about what NOT to do.

Just because a person is reproductively challenged, doesn't mean they don't know how a child should or shouldn't eat. It doesn't mean a person doesn't know the importance of a child having structure and a routine (which is SEVERELY lacking in the lives of many children on this base.)

I'm not saying I know everything, because surely I do not. People with children don't know everything either. I just hate that people discount the advice from people without children simply because they've never popped a child out of their vagina.

**end rant**

Monday, October 17, 2011

That Time Again...

Thursday I go back to Bismarck for my 6 week post-op check. I'm going to be sure to talk to them about my energy level. I hope that they will run some labs to make sure I'm not getting anemic or completely dehydrated. I knew it would take a while to bounce back, but working has been really difficult. Even after a 6 hour shift I'm beat and come home and take an hour long nap then go to bed at about 10pm. I want to be able to exercise more, but it's so difficult when I'm worn out from just going to work. Granted, I have a fairly physical job. Taking care of 10 one year olds with one other person isn't always an easy task. Hopefully by the time Thursday rolls around I will be at my 30lb mark. I'm just about there; only a pound and a half to go. I'm trying to think of something to do in Bismarck so I'm not just driving for 2 hours for a 30 minute appointment then driving another 2 hours home. I think I'll hit up Petco. I can't/refuse to do any clothes shopping. Lots of people keep telling me that I need to go out and just buy new clothes (some of the ones I have are starting to look baggy and not so hot). If I go out and spend money on new clothes I'll just have to do the same thing again in a month or two. That adds up to a lot of money REALLY fast. I think it's pointless to go buy new clothes at this point. Not when I have another 70+ pounds to go until my goal. I think it would be awesome if I met and exceeded my goal. I really really want my weight to level out around a year mark of post-op. As soon as my weight stabilizes we can go back to TTC. Time will tell I suppose. There's no way to hurry it up. I just gotta keep doing what I'm doing.

In other news... (yes... the following paragraph is bitching)
I just want to say that it REALLY REALLY annoys me when people say they are going to do something then don't do it or don't show up. It's rude. If you say you're going to do something then do it. It's not that difficult. I also am extremely annoyed by people who are CONSTANTLY late. Late for anything, work, get togethers... etc. What makes them think they're more important than everyone else? It just seems that way. Oh look... I'm more important so you have to wait around on my slow ass. I was always taught... if you're early your on time, if you're on time you're late. lol ok... that's enough bitching for tonight.

Sunday, October 16, 2011


Today was Thayer and I's third anniversary. Three years down and we're both still alive. I do believe that is quite an accomplishment. Looking back on the last three years, we have definitely had our shares of ups and downs. We are not, by far, perfect, but we work hard to stay together. Not only are we a military family, which brings with it it's own set of complications. (Other military spouses know what I'm talking about.) We've had to deal with infertility, which is a heartbreak every month. Then we've also had to deal with a miscarriage, which was very hard on both of us, though Thayer didn't really let a lot of it show. We live in a place that neither of us really like. We've dealt with his family, especially his father. His father basically disowned him because he married me. We hear from the rest of his family maybe once or twice a year. It makes him so upset that they don't call, especially during hard times. They didn't even call when we had the flood up here that made national news. They don't know whether we live in town or on base, etc. It really hurt him that they didn't even bother to call and check, when I had several conversations with my family about it. That's just the tip of the iceberg. With a lot of things we've been through we should have sank like the Titanic. I simply think we're both too hard headed to give up or give in. So here we are, three years down the road and still married. I know many people thought we wouldn't last a year, let alone this long. We'll show them! Many people thought we were crazy for starting to date in July, engaged in September, then married in October. I guess sometimes you just know what's right. So far this is "just right."

So here's to Thayer and I. Three years and still going strong!

Engagement Picture!

Our Elopement Wedding in the Japanese Stroll Garden. Springfield, MO

Our Elopement Wedding in the Japanese Stroll Garden. Springfield, MO

Our Formal Wedding. June 5, 2009

Our Formal Wedding. June 5, 2009

Our Formal Wedding. June 5, 2009

Our Formal Wedding. June 5, 2009

Sunday, October 9, 2011

Husband Vent.

So... things have been kinda rocky in life lately. I'm not really sure what it is. Maybe because my body is in turmoil. Maybe because my head is in turmoil. I really don't have the slightest clue. In many ways I'm not being myself, and that bothers me.

Thayer and I have been going through a rough patch for a couple of weeks now. He's PMSing and I'm just bitchy a lot. Obviously that makes for a bad combination. Don't get me wrong, he was great right after I had my surgery... then he started to be not so great. Instead of helping me around the house he was constantly on his computer because he was on leave and that gave him the right to do whatever he wanted to do with little regard for me. Needless to say this led to a fight. Hell... he did it today again. He's spent a total of maybe 30 minutes with me all day today. I don't know what to do to fix it. I've asked him to play games with me. That's a no go. I've asked him nicely to spend time with me. I'm ignored. I'm just at my wits end and want to bash his computer apart. He wants a new video card for the computer so he can play his games better. Hmmm I wonder why I keep telling him no? I'm SICK of working full time, going to school, and doing EVERYTHING around this house when all he does is go to work 8-9 hours a day. Things are not equal and that's really starting to get to me too. I feel taken advantage of. I feel used. I feel like I'm just here to be at his beck and call. It's so incredibly frustrating. Sure, I didn't mind that when I wasn't working. I did it because that was my job. Keeping the house clean and food on the table was my JOB. Now that we're both working full time things should be more divided but they aren't and I fear they never will be. I feel like I'm raising a 25 year old child. I'm sorry, that's not my job. It's even harder for me to get everything done now because I'm tired ALL THE TIME. I eat/drink about 600 calories a day. That's it. On top of that I exercise so my body has what 450 calories a day to function. That's not a whole lot in the grand scheme of things. That's like one McDonald's hamburger worth of energy a day.

Friday, October 7, 2011


So... I know there are certainly some people in this world that think I'm a bitch. Yep, I sure can be one. I'm not denying that at all. Everyone has their moments. Frankly, I don't give a crap if a few people in this world don't like me. No sweat off my back, ya know?

I know that my real friends and good family members (yeah.. I have a few family members that aren't so hot) know the real me and what a great person I am. That being said... I want to share to amazing reasons why I'm a great person. Yes... damn it... I am tooting my own horn.

I've always been involved in charities. Since moving to Minot, I have found it hard to find something I loved and cared enough about to go out and support with all my heart and soul. It was a lot easier to do back home where I had connections or even on campus at Missouri State because there were so many wonderful volunteer opportunities. I used to be involved in everything possible. Why not? I usually didn't have anything better to do and helping people gave me peace. It was good Karma! :)  Like I said, after moving to Minot I just couldn't sink my teeth into anything then I had a LIGHT BULB!.... and then ANOTHER LIGHT BULB! What better way to give back than to help women and families going through exactly what I'm going through!

Light Bulb Numero Uno -- Sock it to Infertility
"Sock It" was a project that I started during National Infertility Awareness week. I collected socks to mail out to women going through infertility treatments. Originally it was just going to be for a short time, but I decided to keep it going. Currently I have sent socks to 28 states and 5 countries other than the United States. I have received a great deal of love from my recipients. In each package I send a short, heartfelt letter and a pair of funky socks. Socks, as many of my followers know because they are infertile themselves, are about the only clothes you can wear when you're getting your hoo-haw poked and prodded. Honestly, they just help you feel better. For more information about the program or to donate (I'm actually running low on socks) or to receive a pair of socks... VISIT: Sock it to Infertility

Light Bulb Numero Dos -- Too Beautiful For Earth - A Remembrance Ceremony
I started this event on Facebook for residents of the Air Force base I reside at. As most of my followers know, I have struggled not only to get pregnant, but also through the loss of my first and only pregnancy after over 2 years of trying. Losing a child, not matter when it happens, is heartbreaking. It is something most people can't even begin to comprehend unless they've been in your shoes. I know far too many women at my base that have been in my shoes, and some of them multiple times. October isn't just Breast Cancer Awareness Month... it is also Infant and Pregnancy Loss Awareness Month, as proclaimed by Ronald Reagan in 1988. Reagan said, "When a child loses his parent, they are called an orphan. When a spouse loses her or his partner, they are called a widow or widower. When a parent loses their child, there isn't a word to describe them." October 15th is the day when people around the world light a sea of candles at 7pm in remembrance of all the babies lost. Most people don't realize that 25% of pregnancies end in loss.

Anywho... The ceremony is something I know will help me heal. I hope that it will help others heal. I hope that it will help others see that they are NOT alone. People don't have to struggle alone. They don't have to cry alone. There is a whole community of us that have experienced the same thing and we should have a day where we can come together, cry and remember our babies. My baby was a person. I love her from the moment I got that positive test and I thought my heart would never ever stop breaking. I said goodbye to baby Hope a little over 6 months ago... and not a day goes by that I don't think of her. November 11th is going to be a extremely difficult day for me. That's the day my angel should have came into this world. Instead I will still be sitting here with empty arms.

If you'd like more info on the ceremony visit "Too Beautiful for Earth - A Remembrance Ceremony"

Sunday, October 2, 2011

Judgmental Much?

One thing I'm finding is how judgmental people are of individuals that have had weight loss surgery. I guess it kind of goes along the same lines as people being judgmental of those that are overweight. Everyone assumes that people are overweight because 1. they're lazy, 2. they have no self-control, 3. they don't eat healthy and eat mostly junk food.... The list of assumptions goes on and on. People don't stop to consider there may be a medical condition underlying their weight. It could be a thyroid issue. It could be PCOS, which is an endocrine disorder. It could be any variety of different reasons. I'm not denying there are overweight people that are lazy, have no self-control, and eat nothing but crap. That, however, is not the case for everyone. For over a year I ate between 1500 and 1800 calories. I also tried to, more often than not, eat healthy foods. Lots of fruit/veggies, good protein, whole grains.... etc. Additionally, I exercised on top of having a fairly active job. I guess if you want to call that lazy and lacking in self-control then go right on ahead and do so.

Now I'm finding there are people that judge those that have gastric bypass in the same negative light. People think it's the easy way out. (Not so.) People think that those that have it are again, lazy. (Not so.) Some people don't have any other option. Some people work their ass off to lose weight, like me, and have NOTHING to show for it. I wish some people could take a minute to get off their high horse and step down to earth and take a walk in someone else's shoes for a change. Maybe I never should have started writing about my surgery journey. Maybe I should have just kept it all a secret and just let people assume I was losing weight the old fashioned way (which didn't work for me). It's so annoying to have people look down on you. It makes me sad.