Bitch Showed Up...

Not much more to say than that. Another cycle down the drain. Another month of hoping that was worthless. Another month of prayers unanswered. I swear if one more person tells me "in God's time" I will shove a Bible so far up their ass their mouth will spew pages like a copy machine.

I had an interview today. That looks promising. She sounds like she really wants me in the position but has to go through the whole process of interviewing all the candidates. The director said that if I were to take a position I would be pretty much in line for the next teaching job that opened up as well because they like to hire from the inside. I really hope I get it. Not sure when I'll find out.

I should know by the beginning of next week whether I passed my Praxis exam so I can have my Special Education certification added onto my license. I'm pretty sure I passed.

It's Hard Not To Give Up

So another cycle has come and gone and ended in failure. I was so positive. I was so upbeat. I was so optimistic. Now I'm just defeated. I thought that surely the Clomid would be that little boost we needed to get over the baby-making hump. I guess I shouldn't have assumed that for once my life might actually be made of rainbows and unicorns shitting butterflies.

I started spotting on Thursday and knew then that it was all over even though my temp hadn't dropped yet and my boobs still hurt like mad. Friday AF came in full force. My cramps were killer. Even after taking medicine they still woke me up in the middle of the night curled up in pain. Thayer warmed my rice heat pad up for me and laid and talked to me and held me during the worst of it. I was crying partly because of the pain and partly because it was another failed month. Another month that I was broken. It also means another month of trying, of timed intercourse, of a medicine that makes me feel ill. It's more and more of the same with absolutely nothing to show for it. It's so frustrating and heartbreaking and sad. Through my tears I told him I was sick of hurting every month and that maybe we should just give up. Maybe I should just go back on birth control and we should forget about trying to have a baby. He just looked me in the eyes and said, "We can't do that. We've already come too far to give up now." At the time, I was probably having a moment of weakness, but I would be lying if there aren't times when I think about giving up and throwing in the towel. At least if we weren't trying anymore and knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that there was no chance then I wouldn't have to endure the endless heartbreak any longer. I'm not sure where things will go in the next few months. We do have a lot to think about as far as school and careers.

One Day Down...

I started my meds last night and so far so good. I haven't really had any side effects yet, but that doesn't mean I won't over the next few days. If I remember right, the last time I was on it the side effects didn't really start until 3-5 of taking the meds. I hope that, that isn't the case this time because I'll be at my internship on those days and I don't want to be miserable when working with challenging children. I don't know how good my patience will be when I'm feeling under the weather. I'm hoping for the best, however.

I'm really trying to have hope that this will be our month. I'm going to try not to think about it and just try to "relax." lol. Did I seriously just say that? It would be really good timing if I were to get pregnant this time around because I would be due in June and I would be ready to start school and teaching in the fall right away. It would be really bad timing if I were to get pregnant a few months from now and be due in August or September. I'm not sure what school would want to hire me if that were the case. *sigh* Why can't I just be normal?

On a side note (TMI warning), I think the increased vitamins really helped my cycle this month. I had a slightly heavier period. It was spotting for one day, medium flow for 2 days then light flow for 2 days. That's much better than 2 days of spotting, one med. flow, 1 day of spotting like it has been the last couple of months. That just lets me know that my lining is thicker because there is more "flow" being released.

One.. Two.. Thirty-Eight Strikes You're Out...

Yep, cycle 38 is a bust, or at least I'm 99% sure. About 20 minutes after my last blog where I was very hopeful I went to the bathroom and guess what I found on the TP? I was spotting a little brown. There still isn't a lot of spotting. It isn't even enough to require a liner. It's just there when I tinkle and wipe.

FML. I'm so sick of this rollar coaster crap. I'm doing everything right. DAMNIT if a 15 year old can "accidently" get pregnant why the hell can't a 27 year old woman with a Master's degree accomplish it? Life is so unimaginably unfair. I take good care of myself. I eat good because I have to. I take all my vitamins so I don't get sick. I'm doing it RIGHT. Why is it always the people who do things wrong that get rewarded? A crackwhore that's a mother... really? How is that remotely fair or "just?" It's not. Simple as that. I know... I know... no one ever said life was fair, but this is getting damn ridiculous.

So I guessing come Thursday or Friday I will have my first full day of "flow" so it will count as CD1. Then the plan begins. Clomid 5-9 with my extra B6 and Iron along with my prenatal and Women's One-a-Day. (Yes, 2 multi-vitamins because I require 200% of all vitamins because of the malabsorbtion.) Hopefully B6 on it's own instead of in a B-Complex will help with my luteal phase and the iron will help my lining because I think I was borderline anemic before I started taking it. Technically today is CD29 and I'm 11dpo. Blah.

Tinkle Tinkle in a Cup...

**Disclaimer: This blog involves a great deal of talk about bodily fluids. If this grosses you out or makes you uncomfortable please do not continue to read.

So... the life of an infertile involves lots of peeing in or on things. It begins with OPK (ovulation predictor kits). I usually use about 7 of these a cycle. I start peeing on them one CD 12 until I ovulate. That's a whole lot of peeing in a cup. I buy the cheap ones in bulk on the internet and you have to dip them in rather than peeing directly on them.

Then after ovulation begins the wait. This is known as the Luteal Phase. In most women it is 14 days long... hence the reason it is called a 2 week wait. After the completion of the two week wait infertiles start peeing on things again. This time they are pregnancy tests. They are hoping (usually in vain) that this month will be different and the test will show two beautiful lines.

Currently I am 9 days past ovulation. I have 5 days to wait until I start peeing on things again. I usually wait until my period is at least one day late. Most of the time, however, my period shows up and I don't even have to bother with testing... or there are times when my body does a complete mind f*ck and decides to make my periods a few days late. Then I'm peeing on a stick every day hoping for a different result (isn't that the definition of crazy?) even though my mind/body is just playing a joke. My period always shows up and Aunt Flow (AF) is always like "GOTCHA!!!! BWAHAHAHAHA!" Yeah.. not cool...

So every month I pee on something at least 7 days a month... that is one quarter of a month peeing in a cup and dipping a stick in hoping that one day I will become a mother. Fun times.

Symptoms this month so far (not that it really means anything...): Acne starting to get bad at 8dpo, slight cramping/stretching feeling starting 8dpo. Second temperature rise 8dpo (99.2 instead of my normal 98.6 after ovulation... before ovulation I'm usually 98.0), boob tenderness until 2dpo then it went away, began again 9dpo.

Nothing Says Independence Day Like...

 ** Blowing shit up
 **Drinking... lots of drinking (speaking of which... I need to make a rum run for some strawberry mango daiquiris)
 ** Cookouts
 ** Oh and getting your period.

Today has been a lazy day. I started my period today... yay! I guess I should be thankful that it was only about 3 days later than "normal." (WTF is normal anyways when you have PCOS?!) Yesterday was CD32 and I've been getting my period on CD28 since going off birth control in March. Blah... It could be partly because I have not been taking my medicine like clockwork as I was before. There were a few weeks this month where I forgot to take my Metformin and other medications. I now have a reminder set on my cell phone and it really seems to be helping me remember a great deal. Since setting it up I have remember to take my medication every day.

Additionally, I would like to take this opportunity and blog post to thank all the men and women of the Armed Forces, past, present, and future for their service to this country. Nothing can every repay the debt of the blood and sacrifices they have and continue to make. I am the proud daughter and wife of United States Air Force veterans. Until you've been in the shoes of a military spouse, you will never know the difficulties they endure for the sake of love and devotion to a man/woman who loves and is devoted to his/her country. May our country continue to stand strong and proud. SUPPORT OUR TROOPS!!!

Late Doesn't Mean Sh!t

In the life and world of a woman with PCOS I have grown accustomed to my periods being... off. When I'm not on birth control they tend to get irregular. Of course I naively thought losing 101 pounds would drastically help in this area, but that does not appear to be the case. Today is CD30 so I am officially late, but like I've mentioned before, this doesn't really mean shit to a woman with PCOS. I don't know if or when I ovulated this cycle because it was the lazy ovary's turn to pop out an egg. Tomorrow I might or might not take a test. I already know what it will say. I'm having no pregnancy or AF symptoms. When I was pregnant I thought my boobs were going to fall off they hurt so bad. I haven't had any cramping. Considering the infrequency of the BD, it is not likely that we are pregnant. I just wish something in my life would go right for once.

It is nice going shopping now and being able to shop in the "normal" people section. I still try to migrate to the plus sizes and I have to remind myself that those clothes won't fit me anymore.

Thayer and I have also decided that it is time that we get some updated pictures. We are going to a local photographer in Kansas to get "family" pictures taken on the 13th or 14th. It will me, Thayer, Kaia and Myst. Our little family. I was putting up pictures around our new place and thought... wow I really need some of the "new" me. They photog is having a sale for the month of July so we are going for it.

Interesting Week...

For the first time ever I started a job and quit it in the same week. It just wasn't a good match. The place wasn't exactly on the up and up if you get my drift, and I just didn't want to be associated with a place like that. Additionally, I start my internship in about 5 weeks so I wouldn't really make that much money anyway during that time with only working about 15 hours a week. I'm not heartbroken over it.

On a wonderful note, I now have my internship officially lined up. I met with the director of Special Education for the school district and she was very open and receptive to me coming into the district to complete my education. It really was a breath of fresh air for someone to be so welcoming. She asked me what age group I would like to work with and where I might feel the most comfortable. Because I did my Bachelor student teaching in a high school setting I have elected to do my Master's internship at an elementary school. It will definitely be different working with the little folks. The school is a lot larger than what I'm used to as well. There are 4-5 classes in each age level of K-4. I met with the principal and vice-principal as well on the same day at the school I will be at. They were both awesome. I can't begin to express how excited I am about my internship as well as finishing up my degree. Now, the only thing I have left to do is decide on what I would like to do for my Scholary Project. It's all coming to an end. I'm super proud of myself! Also, the district has already asked me to make sure I get on their substitute list. After I complete my internship, which should be done around the beginning of October, I will substitute teach until I can apply and get a full-time teaching position.

In the fertility front... tomorrow is CD29 so we will see if AF will show on time or what. I'm not sure if I even ovulated this cycle. PCOS is so frustrating! If my cycle is really messed up and AF doesn't show on time I think I might go back on BC for a couple of months to get things regulated better.

Ovulation, Luteal Phases, and Flow

So this month I went off my birth control to see what was going on with my body as far as my girly parts go. Now I'm even more freaked out than I was before. I'd always had an ovulation issues due to my PCOS. I didn't ovulate correctly on my own and in the past this seemed to be fixed or aleviated through the use of Clomid. I ovulated and conceived on 100mg of Clomid on my second cycle. I think we all know by now how that ended. This month after not putting in my Nuvaring I ovulated on CD12 which is early. Most people ovulate on or around CD 14. I typically ovulated on CD 16-18. Now it seems that my Luteal phase is off as well. There should be a 14 day gap between the day you ovulate and the day your period starts. This allows for implantation of the fertilized egg. Implantation usually occurs between 7-12 days after ovulation. My period started 12 days after ovulation. This is a shortened Luteal Phase. At this point, I'm not sure what all of this means. I don't know if I should be concerned or if it might be a side effect of coming off of my birth control.

What I do know is that I'm freaked out by all of this. I'm scared that I had this surgery and did all of this for no reason. I'm scared that having the surgery just screwed everything up worse than it was before and now I won't just have to deal with not ovulation but a luteal phase defect as well. I'm sure I'm over-reacting and being paranoid, but it's hard not to when this is your dream. I know that I'm healthier over all. I know that 6 months ago I wouldn't be able to participate in an hour long Zumba class 4 days a week or do an hour on the elliptical like I can now. I'm a lot more fit and healthy, so in that aspect I know I made the right decision... but what if really did make things worse for trying to have a family? I guess I will find out this month because I'm staying off my birth control this month as well. Back to counting days and timing things right so we don't get pregnant. I'm currently on CD 4 I should ovulate in about 10 days... I hope things go right/better this month and I will be able to have a little bit of peace of mind. All these waiting games are getting pretty old.

Turning on the Light

Better to light a candle than to curse the darkness. ~Chinese Proverb



Turn your face to the sun and the shadows fall behind you. ~Maori Proverb


I'm really trying... DESPERATELY trying to find the good in life right now. I cried for the first time in about a month tonight. I started spotting so my hopes and dreams of becoming a mother now must be shelved for almost two years. For almost two and a half years we have worked, cried, timed intercourse, cried some more, had invasive procedure after invasive procedure.... all in hopes of becoming parents. I've watched countless people forge ahead with their dreams of becoming parents while I'm left just waiting in the wings crying. Now I know I will have to endure this pain for another 2 years without any hopes of becoming pregnant. We can't even try. It's hard to put your dreams on a shelf and just forget about them. It's hard to walk away from something you want so badly. It's hard to watch other's living YOUR dream... and it's especially hard to watch those people who really shouldn't be parents (for whatever reason) living your dream. It's hard to tell you're husband that you failed once again. That's what I feel like. Every month I get to feel like a failure, like I'm not worthy of my husband's love because I can't have his children. How will I go on? How will I keep my head up throughout all of this? I have NO idea. I really don't know where to even start. I guess I just have to keep looking at the positive. I have never, ever been an optimist. In fact, I've been a pessimist for as long as I can remember... so I guess I will have to turn over a new leaf as well.

Well... Hello There

So... once again it is that time of the month. AF reared her ugly head today. (See... I knew I wasn't prego!) My cycle was only 33 days, which isn't that bad considering my PCOS and this is only my second period since the miscarriage. At this point, if I weren't going ahead with the surgery we would start thinking about going on Clomid again to try and get pregnant because we would be "cleared" to do so. But, since I'm going to have surgery and lose weight... we won't be technically trying anymore for a while. We aren't going on birth control... but for the first time in TWO YEARS we are going to be able to have sex when we want it not when my ovaries say we can have it. That feels amazingly liberating.

I'm supposed to call the clinic tomorrow and speak with a lady who will get my medical chart sent to the surgeon ASAP! So hopefully in the next month I will be able to have my consult, then get Tricare approved (takes a few weeks... 2-6). Then, once I'm approved they will set my surgery date. Usually the date is set about 4-6 weeks after your approval. I'm starting to get excited about it. I'm so ready to go out and buy new clothes and just be... healthier. I'm ready to fit in my old jeans again from high school. (Yes, I still have a few pairs lingering at my parents house in a bin.) I'm no longer scared of the surgery. I will only be under anesthesia for about 20 minutes. I will more than likely get to go home that day. The last time I was under anesthesia it made me pretty sick. I'm hoping that doesn't happen because it's a 2 hour ride home from Bismarck to Minot. I pray that Thayer will be able to take some leave so he can help me the first day or two after surgery. I will probably be out of work for a week. If everything goes okay then I could come back a week after surgery but I would have a weight limit. I'm hoping that I can get it done in August or September. That would be ideal for me. 

On another note... I'm sick of Minot's weather. It is ridiculous that it was 40-something degrees on Memorial Day. I'm so jealous of all my friend's pictures that they posted on Facebook of them BBQing and swimming and running around in shorts. This place is soooo miserable 10 out of 12 months of the year. Ugh! I can't wait to be out of here. I really do wish I could just pretend that Thayer is "deployed" to North Dakota and go back home for the next year until he's out of the military. I tease him that I'm going to do that, but I don't think I ever would/could. I'm so glad that he has decided absolutely that he is not going to re-enlist. I could not survive another 4 years here. I think he also plans to go back in and talk to the recruiter about "Palace Chasing" his last year. I really hope he does. I would love love love to get out of here. I had gotten so excited about the prospect of leaving then they yanked the rug right out from under us 7 days before Thayer was supposed to have his final out and start terminal leave. Effing Minot!

Anyways, I think that's all for now. Much love!

Waiting on Aunt Flo

So I was just really bored and decide to re-write the lyrics to the song "Waiting on Joe" by Steve Azar... lol. I just did the first portion of the song... Yeah I'm lame, I know.

We're supposed to starting getting it on in bed today
And the husband... well he's a pretty good lay.
Now I was countin' on him
To get'er done in ten.
A week's pay says he's still hangin low
'Cause the boys in his own time zone.

Now I'm waiting Aunt Flo... Oh whaddya know
Time flies fast and she's slower than a...
I told her over and over: "Now don't you be late." (unless I'm pregnant)
Ah, but like always,
I'm just sittin on go,
And waitin' on Aunt Flo.



My little song revision kinda represents how I'm feeling today. I feel like I'm just waiting on my period to get here. I try to be hopeful, but it's hard. I'm trying to decide if after this month I'll just go ahead and seeing about having surgery or if we should try just one more time... (it sucks that trying once takes a whole month... damn biology!) *sigh* I know I should get it done before Thayer gets out... but it's such a hard decision.

Who's Excited For Their Period... ME ME ME!

Ok... so for once I'm excited to get my period. Yes, I know I'm a freak. Why would someone who is trying to have a baby be excited to get their period... well....! I know I'm not pregnant so now I'm just waiting for the Provera to work and make my period happen... then I can start Clomid and have my ultrasounds done! If I start on the next couple of days I should be able to pee on a stick right around my birthday. If I'm not prego I can drink my ass off and forget about it OR if I am prego I can be super happy on my birthday. So... THREE CHEERS FOR STARTING CLOMID.... HIP HIP HOORAY.... ok... that's enough.