Sometimes...

Sometimes I wish things were different.
Sometimes I wish I could go back and change things.
Sometimes I wonder how life might be different.
Sometimes I think about the different people past and present in my life.
Sometimes I wonder if I made the right decisions.
Sometimes I think of all the ways things could be different.
Sometimes I reminisce about times gone by.
Sometimes I miss you more than I ever thought I could.
Sometimes my mind wonders and it always seems to find it's way back to you.

I know I can't change what has happened in my life thus far. I can't go back and make things different or "right." I can only move forward and hope that I learn from the past and learn from my mistakes. I can only hope that I continue to grow and do my best. I know that I'm not perfect. I've never claimed to be perfect. I know I've hurt people just the same as I've been hurt by people.

Life never stops, it keeps going and going no matter how much we wish we could hit pause, rewind, or even fast forward. I guess what I'm trying to say, I'm trying to do the best with what I have been given and chosen. Yes, I wish things might be different, but I'm not sure how to sculpt my life into my perfect vision. At times I don't even know what my vision really is. I think that is constantly changing as well. No, my life certainly isn't the way I envisioned it. There are aspects that are most definitely regrettable, but it goes on and on whether I'm ready for it or not.

Back in the Swing

I'm starting to get back in the swing of things and having a pretty "normal" schedule now. During and after the move I was a bad, bad girl and pretty much quit exercising. Naughty I know! I'm back in the swing of getting up then working out then going about my day. I've done Zumba (via the PS3, 55in TV, and YouTube) the last 3 days and in addition to that Thayer and I went on a 30 minute walk with the doggies. I've thought about starting to jog or run, but I'm not sure how my asthma or bum knee will do with that. I guess it is always something I can give a try, though I've never really been a big fan of running thanks to running laps repeatedly in high school around the circle gym.

I'm also learning to let things go. Maybe people are meant to be part of your past and not part of your future. There for a while I was really confused having a certain person back in my life, but I have since come to the realization that he doesn't really want me in his life, period. He doesn't want me around as a friend. He certainly doesn't love me anymore as he claimed otherwise he would not treat me the way he does. I guess that is neither here nor there. I'm an old married woman and it looks like I will stay that way at least for the foreseeable future.

Additionally, I've decided I'm really going to step up my game and quit letting people walk all over me. I'm going to be strong and stand up for myself and what I believe in. I'm not going to be anyone's punching bag anymore. Furthermore, I am not going to continue to allow people to be in my life that don't deserve to be there. I'm not going to fight to keep people in my life either. If you want to be there, then you'll make the effort to be there. If not, then don't let the door hit ya on the ass on the way out.

I'm also going to try to have a more positive outlook. Yes, there are times that I get really upset about being infertile and other things going on in my life, but I'm going to try harder to bounce back from that. I'm going to take control. I CONTROL my destiny, no one else. I'm in charge! Imma BOSS! lol

Head and Heart

Lately I've been struggling a lot with what my heart and head are telling me to do. I'm so worried and unsure of everything anymore. I completely lack any confidence in almost all areas other than my education, and even in that realm I'm not altogether 100% confident. It seems like everything is falling apart around me. I feel overwhelmed and out of control. I don't know who or where to turn because anyone I try to talk to or lean on doesn't have any answers or advice for me either. I feel so defeated.

I try so hard to put on a strong face. I try to hide all the hurt and pain. I wear a mask and people rarely get to see behind it. Everytime I try to let someone, things some how get turned around and I get hurt. I try to disguise all of my problems and make it seem like I have this perfect little life, when it is anything but perfect.

I'm sure that in many ways this post seems completely vague, but I can't put everything out there without other people getting hurt.

Not Always What You Expect

I've come to learn that life isn't always what you think it will be. If you asked me at age 20 what I thought my life would look like in 5 or 10 years down the road this is certainly not what I would have envisioned.

Please don't get me wrong, I love and care about my husband, but I also think there is a certain part of me that will always wonder "what if." There is a part of me that will always care about and wonder about how my life could or might have been different if decisions were altered. I'm not sure if this is "normal" or not. I would like to think that it is.

In my past I have been in some relationships that were not exactly what I would describe as being "healthy." My first fiance was not a good man. We started dating right before I turned 17 years old. I thought for sure he was "the one." (Thank God I figured that one out before it was too late!) Things went well between us for a while. He treated me very well up until I caught him cheating on me with his ex. He didn't sleep with her, but there were emails back and forth between them where he told her how much he missed her, loved her, and wished I were her instead. This all occurred right after I turned 18, and I was a senior in high school. At this point, he had also already asked me to marry him, and naively (or stupidly) I had said yes. Also by this time the emotional abuse had started. He called me names and put me down a lot and I believed him. Because of him I had changed my college plans. I decided to go to a local university instead of out of state like I really wanted. Then it all kind of blew up in my face. A few months later he cheated on the ex who he had gotten back together with, with me. Part of me just wanted to prove that I could get him back while another part of me was lonely and scared of being alone. This, in turn, caused them to break up and I took him back. Long story short, I ended up moving in with him and things were okay for a while again. Because of the emotional abuse I had already endured from at this point, I really thought I couldn't do any better and no one else would want me. Again, the emotional abuse started and not long after the emotional abuse, the physical abuse began as well. The first time he ever hit me was when I called his ex a "slut." That should have been a red flag for me. He slapped me across the face hard enough that I ended up on the floor. Of course he promised he would never do it again and said he was sorry. I think he even bought me flowers the next day. (My God... it seems so cliche.) Time went on and I kept taking it until some online friends of mine really drew my attention to how wrong I was being treated. They really gave me the courage to leave him and strike out on my own. With this ex I do not wonder about what might have been. I don't care. I know he wasn't good for me and I know that I deserve better than any type of life he could ever offer me. End. Of. Story.

The next relationship is where things definitely linger even now. A few months after me and the asshole fiance numero uno called it quits I met another guy. He was younger than me, but we really seemed to click. I was 20 and he was 18 at the time. We had a lot in common and could talk to each other for hours on end on the phone. He made me feel happy and special and loved. We were in a long distance relationship as he lived in Missouri and I lived in Kansas. In the end, the distance was our biggest downfall, that and all the baggage I had from my previous relationship that I was still trying to work through. He found someone that lived closer and we remained friends. Most of the time we were "friends" if you get what I mean. Even when he was in other relationships he would still come to me. I still cared deeply about him and loved him that I took whatever scraps he was willing to throw my way. Nope, it wasn't a healthy relationship (for either of us), but that's neither here nor there at this point. I ended up moving to Missouri to attend college (which had always been my dream) and we continued our "friendly" relationship. God how I loved him. To this day I'm not sure if he knows just how much I really cared. I dated some in college, but the whole time I kept wishing and hoping that one day he would come to me and tell me he was sorry for everything and that he wanted to be with me. That day didn't come and I eventually met Thayer.

And the rest is history... kinda. In some ways he is the one relationship I feel I didn't really get closure with. Maybe it is due to the nature of our relationship. Maybe it's how everything turned out with him and his now ex and me and Thayer getting married so quickly. I'm not really sure. Sometimes I do wonder "what if" and think about "what might have been." Is it normal? I supposed to some extent it is. Do I still care about him? Yes, he is and will forever be my friend. Do I love him? Again, yes. Do I love him differently than I did in the past? Yes and no. Am I sometimes confused about my feelings? Yep... but I'm trying to work through that and figure things out. Hey... I'm just being honest here. Do I love my husband? Yes. Does he drive me nuts a lot of the time? YES!!! Would I change my life and that path I'm currently on? I don't know, life is a work in progress.

Things are a little weird now that I'm living in Missouri again. This is my old college stomping ground. This where I found freedom and independence. It's weird now to be back and be married and no longer have all those same freedoms. Life doesn't always turn out the way you expect it to. The road of my life has been met with storms, pot holes, speed bumps, twists, turns, and mountains.... but I'm still here trying to make it through and trying to make the best out of everything I've been given. Yes, I get discouraged. Yes, I get knocked off track. Yes, I get scared and sometimes don't know which way to go or turn... but I try. I guess that's what makes the difference. Trying and sucking things up no matter what road blocks come up.

Oops...

So if everyone else in this world can have an "oops" pregnancy why can't I? Is it bad that I almost hope that I counted days wrong? Is is bad that I hope we have an oops? I know it wouldn't make some people happy... but I've waited long enough. Sure the timing wouldn't be the best. Sure it would be better to wait, but I've been waiting almost 3 years to be a mom. I know this month we weren't the most careful. We should be because I'm still supposed to wait until September. Oh well. I don't know what else to say other than that. I've quit losing weight really fast so I think  it will be okay if anything should happen. The likelihood is still pretty low. I talked to Thayer about it and got his opinion. He feels that, though it wouldn't be the best of timing, we would make it work. He said he isn't going to stand in the way of fate and if it's meant to be right now and it happens then he won't be upset. I was worried at first that it might upset him and make him mad.

Either way, I'm done making plans in my life. Like I've said before, they just get all messed up anyways. From now on I'm flying by the seat of my pants.

Lately, there have been other loops thrown into my life. Now that we're moving back to Missouri, things are going to be a little bit different. All my college friends and pre-marriage friends are down there. It will take all of us some getting used to that I'm married (and so are some of them). I know at least one of my friendships makes my husband slightly uncomfortable, but it is my opinion that he'll just have to get over it. I am really good friends with one of my ex's and he happens to live in the same town that we are moving to. Thayer doesn't like to show it, but I know on some level this bothers him because he has been cheated on in the past. I've been friends with this individual for years now and I'm not about to stop being his friend now. He's a good guy and a good friend and that is what matters to me. Yes, we were in a relationship before. Even after we broke up we were "friends" for a couple of years, even while he was in relationships with other girls. (I know... tisk tisk bad Mary). Does this make for an interesting dynamic? Yes it does. But his friendship means the world to me, because whether he knows it or not, even though he broke my heart a few times, he really helped me out at other times as well. I don't know how I can make Thayer more comfortable with it. Right now my friend isn't really even that interested in meeting Thayer because he knows it will be awkward and uncomfortable.... I just don't know.

Figuring Things Out...

This Just In....

So there have been other things going on the last week or so. I finally broke down and decided that I needed to make a decision about what to do this fall. I needed to choose between going to work and (hopefully) finding a teaching job down in Missouri or finishing up my last semester on my Master's. I would have graduated in May but I knew I wouldn't be able to complete my internship up in North Dakota because I knew we would move some time this spring. So instead of finishing school this semester I chose to go ahead and begin working on my Autism Spectrum Disorders Certificate.

It was a tough decision, but Thayer and I are in agreement that my best choice is to go ahead and finish school. If I put it off longer they could change the degree requirements, the requirements to be a certified special education teacher, or any number of other things which would require additional classes to meet the new requirements. Also, if I didn't go ahead and finish now it might be difficult to find time to go back and do it later. We want to start a family as soon as possible after I've hit my one year post-op mark. That would make going back more difficult. It is going to be rough with both of us going to school full time, but we know it is what needs to be done. After I graduate in December with my degree I will probably substitute teach or look for a para job of some sort until I can start applying for teaching jobs for the following school year. I will have a lot more job options open to me as well once I finish my Master's in addition to being able to make a good deal more money.

I've also had some interesting situations arise in my personal life that I'm working hard to try to sort out what I should and shouldn't do. Sometimes my head and heart are not always in the right spot and I get confused about what would be the best decision for me. I'm ready to get moved to Missouri and see my old college friends again. There are a lot of people I have missed and I'm excited to see them and be able to hang out with them again.

Let's see... what else... Thayer gets jealous a lot easier now. It's like my "value" has gone up now that I've lost so much weight. Last night at Wal-Mart it was really weird. He just kept touching me... putting his arm around me, running his hand up and down my side. It was like he was making sure that everyone knew that I was his. It was just.... odd. I don't know how else to describe it. I guess I must be a hotter commodity in his eyes and he wants everyone to know I'm taken now. I guess when I was fat he just wasn't really worried about it.

rock(MARY)hardplace

Sometimes I feel like I'm always stuck between a rock and hard place.

I get so frustrated with Thayer. Sometimes I feel like I'm ignored a lot. I feel like he doesn't care whether I'm around or not. I feel neglected. I don't feel like he's supportive of me or my goals. I feel like I'm always second or third. Sometimes I want to be first. Sometimes I want to be the most important thing in his life and I never feel like I am anymore. I'm almost always frustrated or annoyed with him. I hate feeling this way but I don't know how to fix it. I can't fix it alone and I don't think he cares to even try to fix things between us. Do I love him? Yes. Do I want to try and make things better? Yes... but it can't be one sided. He's not willing to budge. No matter how I approach it. I've tried being nice. I've tried being a bitch. I've tried pleading. I've tried yelling. There isn't much I haven't tried to get his attention and make him realize how I'm feeling.

Here's a few examples of what I'm talking about.

I get up in the morning and go to work. I work until 3:30. He's upstairs on his computer playing games or in the "man cave" playing games. I'm in the living room watching TV or doing homework or getting ready to cook dinner. I'm just in the other room doing something. He doesn't come out and see me when I get home from work. Doesn't even acknowledge that I'm home from work. No hello kiss... nothing. That really hurts. He emerges for dinner and eats dinner with my parents and me. Then he goes back upstairs or to the cave. I don't see him again usually until I go upstairs to go to bed.

Another example: Yesterday we went to see the Hunger Games. (Awesome movie... even more awesome book). Then we went and played two rounds of mini-golf and went to dinner at Outback Steakhouse. When we got home around 6 he immediately went upstairs and started playing games on his computer. I saw him when he came down to pee or smoke a cigarette. Otherwise I didn't see him until I went upstairs to go to sleep at 1am. I kinda bitched about it when I went upstairs that I was sick of not seeing him and not spending time with him because he's always on his games. He basically got an attitude with me and was pissy about it.

I don't know what to do anymore. I can't fight this fight alone. He has to want things to get better too. I don't want to feel neglected and unimportant anymore. I want him to want to spend time with me. I want someone to want me as much as I want them. I want to be with someone that likes to spend time with me... that lives and breathes being with me. If I don't do that for him... then I don't know. I want to feel wanted and needed and I just don't feel that way anymore. I feel like he takes me and everything I do for him for granted.

RIP 4 years....

Kimberly Rose Mallatt

October 21, 1975 - August 25, 2007

I can't believe it has already been four years since my sister was killed.

Four years ago today a horrible man took it upon himself to end my sister's life.

Most of my life my sister's and I didn't have a good relationship. Maybe it was age. Maybe it was that we had different mothers (and they didn't like mine). Who knows? Things were finally starting to get better with my sister Kim. While she was on the wagon, things were improving so dramatically. Then poof... someone snuffed her life out. The man that killed my sister is still at large. The Wichita PD did a horrible... BEYOND horrible job handling her case. It's difficult to comprehend that this murder is still at large. He's still out walking around enjoying his life, doing whatever he wants while an entire family greives for the loss of a sister, daughter, and now, aunt. It's sad that Kimani will never know his aunt Kimmie. It's sad that my children will never know her either. It's sad that she never got to have children of her own or live out the rest of her life.

Really and truly... Time does not heal all wounds; it just teaches us to deal with the pain.




Kim when she was little.




L to R: Heather, me, and Kim one year for Halloween



Better as a Memory

There are some people in this world that are better left as a memory. You move on, move away, drift apart, lose contact for whatever reason... and sometimes it is best left that way. I mean, everything happens for a reason right? There are those people that have come into my life, who changed it, who made it better (or worse) and are now in the past... why bring it up again? Why open old wounds or rekindle the past? Some times it is better to hold memories dear that you made with someone... good, bad, or bittersweet memories. At times, it is better to keep those memories untainted than to risk corrupting them with a new image of the old person. Everyone changes. Some people change for the better, some for the worse, but inherently everyone changes. Sometimes the people we once knew are almost unrecognizable. Some people are best left in yesterday and as memories. I think people have to earn their spot in today and in new memories... Sometimes it is just better to let go and say goodbye. Sometimes goodbye is the only way you can tell someone you love them. Sometimes you just have to let go.  **And now I'm rambling**

I've learned you can't change the past, you can only make tomorrow better based on your knowledge. I've spent too long looking in the rearview mirror instead of looking at what's right in front of me. So now... I'm going to roll the windows down, let the wind blow my hair, crank up the radio and cruise (forward) down the highway of life.


Cause goodbyes are like a roulette wheel
You never know where they're gonna land
First you're spinning, then you're standing still
Left holding a losing hand
But one day you're gonna find someone
And right away you'll know it's true
That all of your seeking's done
It was just a part of the passing through
Right there in that moment you'll finally understand
That I was better as a memory than as your man
Better as a memory than as your man

From "Better as a Memory" by Kenny Chesney.

Just a Day.. Just an Ordinary Day...

Yesterday was four months since I lost Baby Hope. I can't believe it has already been four months since we said our painful goodbye. I still think about him/her every day. I cry a little bit less as each month passes. I'm learning to let go and let what will be... simply be. It's still hard accept that my little baby had to go to heaven.

I know I'm a strong person, stronger than I ever thought I could be or would need to be. This has only made me more strong. I hope in the end that it also makes Thayer and I's relationship stronger as well.

Things have been better since I got back up here. We're trying to work on us. Things are by no means perfect, and I don't expect them to ever be perfect. lol We aren't in the "honeymoon" stage anymore. Today he actually helped me clean the house. Then he came into the kitchen (that I was cleaning) and pulled me away and danced with me. It was cute. We really have been through a great deal in the last year.

It's hard to believe that Thayer and I just started dating 3 years ago... and have been married almost 3 years as well.

Winding Down

So my vacation is winding down. I go back to work on Monday :( Boo!

I got back home today... Double Boo! (stupid Minot).

I have lots to do next week. I need to call the Ward County Jail to set up a day to get my fingerprint cards done to get my teaching certificate. I also need to fill out my FAFSA and enroll in classes for fall... I've been a bad girl for not doing it yet. I just really don't want to go back to work. I really hope that I'll be able to get a job with the school district or I might just be a stay at home wife again. I would really like to get on as a substitute teacher, which is the reason I'm getting my teaching certificate now. If that doesn't happen I know I will be trying for a para job either on base or downtown in Minot.

I know work isn't going to be happy with me. I'm just getting back from vacation, but now I have to ask for 3 weeks off. Though, hopefully by then I won't even be working there anymore. I'm going to be having my surgery Sept. 7th. That will allow us the opportunity to do one last round of Clomid before having to take 18+ months off from TTC. We shall see what happens with that.

I ovulated yesterday... one day too early to try this month as I didn't get back to Minot until today. At least I ovulated all on my own (I know for sure because it hurt!)... and I ovulated on CD18.

I hope things start going better for Thayer and I. We could really use a break. I love him dearly, and I know I haven't been the easiest person to live with as of late. I've also been confused about things from the past. I came into our marriage with a good amount of baggage and I spent the better part of the last week trying to figure that all out. I think I've finally got my head on straight! I've come to realize that I may always love and care about a person and that is perfectly okay, but that doesn't mean that my marriage was a mistake or the wrong decision.

Mary the Confessor

Edward the Confessor by The Divine Comedy


I'm so sorry
Please forgive me

For knowing that I'm wrong but insisting I'm right
For wanting everything to be either black or white
For wallowing in self-pity, confessing all my sins
For studying my thoughts till my head caves in
For all the things I've said but regret so much now
For all the things I should have said but I couldn't somehow
For all the times I've meant them
And I've known them for so long
But I still get endings wrong

I'm so sorry
Please forgive me
For trying to be all things to all men
For shelving my objectives time and time again
For looking for perfection in everything I do
When really I need only look as far as you

For demanding to be loved by someone new each year
Then dispatching quietly over a pint of beer
Well yeah, I did it without malice
And I did it without shame
But I did it just the same

I'm so sorry
Please forgive me

For coming home from work in the middle of the night
For waking you up with the bathroom light
For wanting to touch you with these cold cold hands
For wanting to have you just because I can
For always running from an argument
When I ought to stand and fight
For suppressing my emotions
'cause I'm too goddamn polite
and then for thinking that by simply saying sorry
I could suddenly make everything alright
I'm so sorry please forgive me...
I'm so sorry please forgive me...

 
 
I'm sorry for all the things I've done wrong in my life. Maybe I don't regret somethings as much as I should. Maybe things could have turned out different. I'm sorry. Some parts of this song really hit me (things I've placed in bold/italics)... because they describe me as well. We all have our issues... our troubles... etc. I'm sorry to those I've hurt and I'm sorry I've let others hurt me so much. The list could go on and on, but that is not the point of this post. I'm sorry for sometimes not being sorry at all. Maybe one day things will turn out right, maybe one day things will be perfect.... (lol yeah right). Here's to hoping, but until then I'm sorry.

Not That Girl Anymore

(posting from phone... it doesnt always like to capitalize, etc.)

I have decided that I'm not going to be that girl anymore. You know the type....  the one that always seems to go back for more when she gets knocked down... the one that never seems to learn from the past (at least relationship wise). I am not going to be the girl that gets walked on anymore. I am not going to allow my heart to dictate as much of my life. No longer will I wear my heart on my sleeve. I will not allow myself to be so vulnerable and so naive as to think people might actually have changed. I will be more guarded... less forthcoming with my feelings. I will be different... colder...harsher.  I will protect myself more. I will not trust so easy. Thank you for showing me my flaws. I may have gotten hurt (again), but at least I can come out standing tall and fighting back. End of story.

I think I've finally learned my lesson. It only took me how many years?

I'm not moving on... I'm moving forward.

As I stated recently, life lately has been pretty turbulent. I just have to keep reminding myself to keep moving forward. At times it may be slow going, but focusing on what is ahead is the only way I know to keep myself from looking in the rearview mirror. I've gotta live and let live. One foot in front of the other. The past is behind me... I need to live for the now and look to the future. I can't live my life through "what ifs" and "maybes." Sure, I might think that way from time to time, but it is time to focus on other things.

I know today I'm a much different person than I was at age 18, 20, etc. I've grown and changed... some for the better and probably some for the worse as well. Things have happened to make me the way I am. It's good to see those that I used to surround myself with are trying to hard to change their lives as well. I'm grateful for the friendships I've had (and even lost) because those individuals helped me grow and change. I'm grateful as well for all the relationships I had. If it weren't for those men then I wouldn't be the woman I am today. I learned a lot from each and everyone of them. I don't regret the time I was with them... because that would be like regretting a part of me. Whether I like it or not (some more hate than anything) those people will always be a part of the person I am now. Each day I learn, grow, change, and really, I couldn't ask for more than that. Sometimes it's fun to wonder about what might have been or what could have been.

I'm a lucky woman because I've known love more than once in my life. I loved one person for many years and I know that I will always care about him and love him. I can't just erase that from my mind and heart. He put me through a lot and I'm sure I wasn't always the easiest person to get along with, but I hope that somewhere deep inside we've both grown and learned from our experiences. I want nothing but the best for him in the future now matter how things work out for him and for myself. I'm glad to have known him and I'm glad to still be his friend. In the end, we never know how life might play out. What's meant to be will always find a way I suppose and you just have to wait and see how things play out in the future.

My other love is my husband. I do love him dearly. We've been through a lot in our 3 year relationship. More than most newlyweds can even imagine. Infertility, Minot, miscarriage, military... the list of complications goes on and on. We have our ups and downs... Right now we're going through a rough patch and I can only hope that things will eventually get better and not worse. We have both agreed to work more on "us" when I get back up the North Dakota. I guess we will see what happens. Losing the baby was our big downfall. Honestly I would rate our relationship at an 8 or 9 before the baby... now we're at maybe a 5 (sometimes lower). Like I've said before, you just have to keep moving forward and what is meant to happen will happen.

Confuzzled

Lately there have been some things going on in my life that have really confuzzled me. I'm not sure what to do... I'm not sure what my heart or head are telling me because they're just as confused as the rest of me. I don't know what I want, I don't know what or who I need. All I know is how I feel, and that is the hard part. I know this is going to be a very vague post because what's going on I don't really want or need anyone knowing about.

I miss certain people being in my life. I miss them more than I should miss them. I can't help but think about how things might be different. I can't stop thinking about what ifs and the like. I know the past can't be changed but what about the here and now and the future? How can I change things? How can I make them better? I don't know if right now I can. Maybe I just have to endure for now and see how things work out. I don't want to make more mistakes. I'm not sure what road to take, but at some point I'm going to have to decide, and that scares me. Where is life going to take me in the next few months and years? I don't know... but I guess in the end everything will work out how it is supposed to.