Testing... Testing... 11dpo

Today is 11dpo. I took a test yesterday (one of the $.88 Walmart First Signals ones) and got a BFN. No real surprise there. I'm thinking about testing tomorrow. I'm pretty torn. Today I've been super tired. I'm not sure if I'm getting sick. My backaches, but that could be from sleeping on an air mattress for 3 nights. My temp is still up. Today I was changing out the bedding and bumped a pillow against my boob and it was like being stabbed. I hate feeling so conflicted. I'm prepared for disappointment. That's pretty much all I've ever known on this TTC journey. I just want to have a holiday miracle. I want something to go my way, just this once.

Today Thayer and I broke the wishbone from our turkey from Thanksgiving. I think we were both wishing the same thing. I won. Maybe that's a sign. Also, if I am pregnant this time around my second trimester will begin on my birthday. What a great birthday present making it to the "safe zone" would be.

So now.. the question is... to test or not to test in the morning. I do have about 6 tests sitting in the drawer doing nothing. Either way AF is due Monday or maybe Tuesday if I really have managed to stretch my luteal phase out to 14 days instead of just 13.

I just want something good to happen. I deserve that right?

It Ran for Cover

In the world of infertility, hope is very fleeting. Some days it's there, some days it's gone. Today is a "it ran for cover" type of day. For some reason I'm just feeling really down. Maybe it's the fact that I'll have to spend another holiday season with empty arms. The holidays aren't that much fun when you don't have kids and you desperately want them. I feel as if I'm doomed to be an infertile failure for the rest of my life. No matter what I do, no matter what I try, no matter what medicine I take, nothing seems to be doing the trick. I know it's my fault. I'm the broken one. I'm the one that can't give my husband a child. I'm the one that can't make my parents grandparents again. I'm the one that can't make my sister an aunt. I'm the one whose body has betrayed her. I can't even do the most natural task of a woman. My hope has ran and hid and I don't even know where to look to even try to regain it.

Today I am 6dpo. I have another week to go until my period will arrive and I will know once again that I'm a disappointment. I've done everything right... but I'm being punished. Why?... WHY!?!

I haven't cried about infertility in a while, but here I sit thinking about my childless future and can't help but for alone and desperately sad. My heart aches and bleeds. My eyes cry.

I've tried to be optimistic. I've tried desperately to hold onto hope, but every month of 1 lined pregnancy tests depletes the "hope bank" a little more. I'm running on fumes at this point.

Double the Fun (pain)...?

So this month I think I ovulated from both sides. There's no real way to confirm it. I didn't take an OPKs this month. Not really sure why. I just didn't feel like peeing on anything for once... lol. I got ovulation pains on the left side on CD 17 an then had a .8 degree temp spike the following morning. This confirms ovulation. The ovulation pains were pretty intense. I ended up taking tylenol to try and bring it down a couple of notches because it felt like someone was stabbing me with and ice pick. Then on CD 18 I started having ovulation pains on the right side. It was the same stabbing feeling. I know it is possible to ovulate more than one egg. That's how we end up with fraternal twins. I suppose only time will tell. I guess that it is a good thing... at least the swimmers have two targets to shoot for. Now the waiting game begins. I'm 2dpo... 12 days to go. Please, please... for the love of cookies and candy... let me get pregnant this month. I could really use a miracle this Christmas.

Probably Jinxing Myself

My last 2 cycles I started spotting on 12dpo and began my full period on 13dpo (CD1). As of today I am 12dpo and my temp is still up. I had a tiny bit of spotting last night when I went to the restroom, but haven't really had anymore. I know in typing this I'm probably jinxing myself. Every time I start to get excited and really hopeful, my body screams "SIKE!!!!!!!!!" More than likely I'll wake up in the morning and my temp will have dropped and AF will be on her way, but until that happens I'm going to be cautiously optimistic.

I know if AF comes I will be upset and cry. Another month gone, another month of empty uterus, and in the end, another month of waiting for good news. We're quickly approaching the 3 1/2 year mark. Some day it will be my turn, right?

Rounding Out the Last of the 2ww

As of today I believe I am 11dpo. My temp is still high (98.6) as compared to preovulation (97.9). These are good signs. My boobs (or nips to be more exact) are still sore. More so the last couple of days than before. Also, on 8dpo I woke up in the middle of the night and dry-heaved for about 2 hours. Because of my surgery, I can't really throw up unless I ate/drank sometime immediately before because my pouch empties out so quickly. Since then I have been feeling sick to my stomach off and on. Just a kind of blah, slightly nauseous feeling everytime I eat or drink something.

The last few days of the 2ww are always the worst for me. I wake up. Stick the thermometer in my mouth and wait for the disappointment of seeing the temperature go down. The last couple of months my temp drop happened on 12dpo and AF came on 13dpo (CD1). I really have been wanting to test, but have been doing my best not too. When I wake up in the morning I immediately rush to the bathroom to pee so I'm not even tempted by my FMU (first morning urine). I know for certain it would be too early to show a positive with anything other than FMU. lol. I know it sounds silly, but it is better than torturing myself. If I got a negative I know I would just think "Oh, it's too early." If I got a positive I really don't know what I would do besides freak out. I know I would be scared to death that I would lose the new baby too.

So there it is...

I'm keeping my fingers cautiously crossed and hoping for the best. That's all I can do right? It's not up to me anymore. Again, I've done my part. I ovulated. I've been taking care of myself. It is out of my hands at this point.

Felt Good to Forget

So this last cycle I kind of said screw it and didn't really keep close track of things like I usually do. I took my Clomid CD 5-9. I did a few OPKs but didn't keep doing them until I got a positive. To be honest, I had a lot going on and I completely forgot. Thayer and I just BD'd every other day like usual. It was a lot less stressful. I had ovulation pains and then a temp rise a day later. So I know I ovulated. As of today I'm either 7 or 8dpo. It really felt good to just relax and forget about it for a while. Maybe that will be the trick.

Thayer and I celebrated our 4th anniversary on October 16th. I had parent/teacher conferences that night so we didn't really do much except go to dinner the night before. He bought me a dozen roses and had them delivered to the school. That was really sweet.

This weekend we went home for a visit. My mom and I took my nephew to the pumpkin patch. He had a great time. I love spending time with him. He's so cute and smart, though he can be a handful at times. We also had family pictures done. The last time we had family pictures done was when K (my nephew) was about a year old. I think after my sister passed away we really learned the value of having those memories and being able to look back.

Killer Boobs **TMI**

**TMI Again**

My boobs are so unbelievably sore! I think I'll be sleeping in a sports bra tonight. I think/hope that, that will help. The sorest part is the nips. Just the fabric of my shirt rubbing on them causes pain. Tomorrow will be 9dpo. It still is probably too early for any of this to be pregnancy related because implantation doesn't usually  occur until 6-12 days after ovulation with the most common day being 9dpo. At least I know my progesterone is staying up. My temp is still up. All this means that I'm still in the game this month. I'm trying not to think about it too much because I know there is absolutely nothing at this point I can do. Really, since my body is working and producing eggs, as long as we have sex at the proper time there is nothing more in my power I can do to try and get pregnant. I know it is only a matter of time but it still seems to be taking forever. I still don't understand how anyone can accidentally get pregnant, because stars almost have to align for it to happen.

I've had a little cramping and pressure today as well. I've also been hungry today. Earlier about an hour after I ate I felt like I was starving. I was SOOO hungry. I feel hungry again right now. This is a little weird considering I rarely feel hungry since my surgery. I'm not sure if that means anything or not. Either way, I'm still holding out hope that it is only a matter of time. I hope that my mind and body aren't playing tricks on me this month, I guess we shall see on Friday which is my testing day. (13dpo).

*fingers crossed*

**TMI to follow, read at your own risk**

I'm definitely still holding out hope for this month. Today is 7dpo. The only reason I know this is because I track my bbts. I'm not stressing over it. Today Kaia bumped my boob and I seriously thought my nipple was falling off. It hurt so bad. My breasts were also itchy. I know this could be from the progesterone. I also had a couple of hot flashes today. Again, this could just be the progesterone. Lastly, I was nauseous twice today. Once right after eating breakfast and the second time this afternoon after I ran to Wal-Mart for a couple of things. This could also just be from other hormones. I'm keeping hope though. I really want this month to work out. We did our thing at the perfect times. 3 days before ovulation, the day before ovulation and the day of ovulation. It doesn't get much better than that.

I asked Thayer after I ovulated if I needed to have a pep talk with his swimmers. I told him that if they couldn't find the egg this month they needed to stop and ask for directions, buy a map, or get some GPS. I don't think he found this humorous.

1DPO

So I'm pretty sure I ovulated yesterday. I'm not 100% sure though. I never got a positive OPK, but this month I had to switch brands and learned that the ones I bought aren't as sensitive as the ones I was using before. I did have a temp rise this morning, but I also got up later than I usually do. Yesterday was CD18 so it would have been pretty typical of me to ovulate then. I usually ovulate around CD17-18. I don't know if Clomid made a difference this month. We did baby dance pretty much perfectly (1 day before and the day of ovulation). This month I used SoftCups again. I also have been taking B12 to help with my lining. I've also been taking my iron and multi-vitamins/prenatals. We couldn't have done things any more perfect. I know even with everything timed correctly there is only a 20-25% chance that we will get pregnant. I just wish it would happen already. I know I should be happy that I'm finally ovulating on my own. There are plenty of women out there that aren't that lucky. One of these days it will finally be my turn. I just wish that day would hurry up and get here already.

I really need something to finally work in my favor. I really need to get pregnant this go around or next month so I'll be ready for teaching jobs come next spring. I know it sounds ridiculous to be planning that far ahead, but I have to think about the future. I can't put my life on hold anymore waiting and hoping to be a mother. I just have to keep plugging away and know it will happen when it happens.

Blue Moon Baby Maybe?

So Friday I am going to take my pregnancy test (if AF doesn't show before then). Friday also happens to be a blue moon. For those who don't know, a blue moon is the occurance of a second full moon twice in one month. This is where the saying "once in a blue moon" comes from. During the 20th Century there were only 40 instances of a blue moon so you can see how rare they are. A blue moon happens only about once every 2.5 years.

Today I just kept thinking about how interesting it might be to find out I'm pregnant on a blue moon. Does testing on a blue moon mean something special? Is there some "hidden" message in me possibly getting pregnant this month? I did some research and found that blue moons can be a source of good luck. This is what I found, "The blue moon is not only a metaphor for something that occurs rarely, but it also has a history of portending luck, though without the pleasant and easy bifurcation between that of good and bad varieties. Superstition only has that the occurrence of a blue moon is the perfect time to plant the seeds of long-term goals that will blossom in the sun of a future day."

Hmmm... long term goal.. I would say having a baby is a pretty long term goal, and it will eventually blossom on a future day. Maybe I'm reading to much into this. Maybe it isn't a "sign" at all. I guess we shall see in a few days. Either way, AF starts or I test and I'm pregnant. If I am pregnant I know I'll spend the next several weeks being petrified that I will lose this baby too. Maybe the blue moon will be a good luck charm for that?

I just want some luck. I want something to finally go my way. I want this SO bad. I've waited for what seems like forever. I'm ready. I've been ready.

I also found it ironic that if we are pregnant this month our due date will be exactly 1 1/2 years after our due date with Baby Hope. Coincidence?

When Hope Dwindles

Every month (and by month I mean cycle) I begin with a feeling of hope. Some months my "hope" is greater than other months, but it is always there. Then the days of the month slowly progress. We do our baby dancing at the prescribed times. I ovulate on schedule. My temp confirms ovulation along with the OPKs. These things add to my hope. I'm excited about the notion of this possibly FINALLY being my month. The days keep passing and as the days past ovulation add up my amount of hope slowly decreases. I start preparing myself for disappointment. I start reminding myself that the "symptoms" I'm feeling are just from my progesterone spike. I try to get through the day without thinking about it. Today I am 8dpo. At least this month is going better. I haven't started spotting yet like I did last month at 8dpo. I'm almost scared to be hopeful. Anymore it seems hope if futile. I'm just counting down the days until another cycle begins. I wish I could put on a happy face all the time and that everything could be okay... but it's not. I'm done lying or pretending. Last night Thayer and I went to dinner (had a buy one get one free coupon for Ruby Tuesday's) and I said fuck it and had a drink. I used to never drink during the 2ww. At this point I don't think it's going to change anything. In my eyes there is little hope that I'm pregnant so why should I bother doing without when it is something I really want. I had a bad day and I wanted at martini. Giving certain things up in the past didn't help get me pregnant so why would it make a difference now?

Biology Bites!

The dreaded 2 week wait has begun. I hate how long it takes biology to get its act together so you can find out whether you're pregnant or not. These are always the longest and most frustrating days of the month. They always seem to drag along. I'm hoping that now that I'm going to be super busy with my internship and school that I won't think about it or stress about it as much. At this point there isn't really anything I can do. I've ovulated. We've had sex at the right time. It's really just a waiting game, which is sucks. I hate that I've played this waiting game countless times in the past. I really hope that these days fly by. I have 12 more days until I can test if my periods doesn't show up before then. I won't get my hopes up to much based on symptoms because so many of them are the same as pre-menstral. Of course I tell myself this now, but here in a little over a week I'll me exagerating every cramp, etc. Ok... come on time... FLY BY!

T-Minus...

CD 18... Ovulated today. T-minus 14 days until we might have liftoff (aka. I can pee on a stick and see if I'm pregnant). This was an unmedicated cycle so we shall see. We did plenty of BD so *fingers crossed* that we get a BFP. I'm not holding my breath, and I certainly wouldn't place any money on seeing a positive pregnancy test in 2 weeks, but eh.. I guess I can hope a little. Our next cycle will be medicated so there's always that in the future if this cycle is a bust. I had some mighty bad ovulation pains this cycle. My temp is up and my progesterone has started to rise. I know this because my "girls" are really sore. So.. the countdown has begun. I'm tempted to look and see what my due date might be if we get pregnant this cycle, but then again that seems like such a naive move to make. Something a beginner in the world of TTC would do. I'm no stranger to let down, so....

Tricky McTrickison

The worst thing about the 2ww (two week wait) is how much your mind can and does play tricks on you. So many of the symptoms of being pregnant are very similar to those many people experience prior to getting their period. Sometimes I'm so hopeful that this month will finally be my turn again. Then I get to thinking about all the disappointments of the past and can't help but feel discouraged and hopeless. Once again this month I began with hope. Everything was timed perfectly. We BD the day before and day of ovulation. We know that my husband is not the problem so all should go right, but still it never seems to happen. I really don't know what could be wrong. Maybe I will get some answers when I go see the OB/GYN in a couple of weeks if we get a BFN again this month.

I'm tired of my mind playing tricks on me. I feel like I might be, but it always ends the same... only one pink line on a stick. I've had a mild, dull cramping since 8dpo. It occured more on 8 and 9dpo. I've lost some weight. I did that the first time I was pregnant. I've had a headache since last night. My back is a bit achy. I've had trouble falling asleep. I wake up feeling exhausted, not sleepy just tired and fatigued. I've also been feeling hungry some, which I haven't really had a lot of since having surgery almost a year ago. I don't want to get my hopes up, but it is so difficult.

Then when I start to think about being pregnant again I get scared. I don't know how I could take losing another baby if it were to happen. At least this time I can be pretty sure that I will get the proper medical care down here so that I don't lose another one to something preventable like last time.

Today is 10dpo. I plan to test on next Wednesday. I don't want to do it before then because it really isn't worth it. It just leads to undo pain.

Appointments and More...

Today I called my PCM and got a referral to see an OB/GYN in my new town. I'm going to see the doctor that officially diagnosed me with PCOS back in 2007. I knew I had it long before I was ever diagnosed, however. I'm nervous and excited all at the same time. My appointment is August 16th. If we get a negative this month, then my appointment should be right before I ovulate. I'm not sure what he will do. I know what I'm hoping for. I would like to have bloodwork done and I would like to go ahead and get a prescription for a few rounds of Clomid. I'm not sure what I want will happen. I know I need to make a list of medical procedures I've had performed in regards to fertility treatments. I also need to make a list of questions to ask. I hate that this feels like we're starting over from the beginning again. I just hope we don't have to go through all the testing again. I still need to call my old clinic and have my medical results sent. I will do that in a little bit. I suppose it is also time to change my PCM to a doctor down here. It almost seems pointless because our Tricare coverage ends in the middle of September.

Today is 5dpo. I had sore breasts 2 days following ovulation. Now I'm not really having anything, though that's not uncommon. Now it's a waiting game. If AF doesn't show then I will test on the 2nd. I guess I will see what happens in the next few days. We shall see if my temperature stays up and if any symptoms start. Though I've learned not to trust some of those aspects either. I live my life 2 weeks at a time. CD1 to CD14-16 -- Waiting to ovulate. CD14-16 to CD28-32, waiting for AF to show up. One of these days I won't have to live life like this. One of these days it will be my turn. I just have to keep hoping and keep my head up.

Late Doesn't Mean Sh!t

In the life and world of a woman with PCOS I have grown accustomed to my periods being... off. When I'm not on birth control they tend to get irregular. Of course I naively thought losing 101 pounds would drastically help in this area, but that does not appear to be the case. Today is CD30 so I am officially late, but like I've mentioned before, this doesn't really mean shit to a woman with PCOS. I don't know if or when I ovulated this cycle because it was the lazy ovary's turn to pop out an egg. Tomorrow I might or might not take a test. I already know what it will say. I'm having no pregnancy or AF symptoms. When I was pregnant I thought my boobs were going to fall off they hurt so bad. I haven't had any cramping. Considering the infrequency of the BD, it is not likely that we are pregnant. I just wish something in my life would go right for once.

It is nice going shopping now and being able to shop in the "normal" people section. I still try to migrate to the plus sizes and I have to remind myself that those clothes won't fit me anymore.

Thayer and I have also decided that it is time that we get some updated pictures. We are going to a local photographer in Kansas to get "family" pictures taken on the 13th or 14th. It will me, Thayer, Kaia and Myst. Our little family. I was putting up pictures around our new place and thought... wow I really need some of the "new" me. They photog is having a sale for the month of July so we are going for it.

Interesting Week...

For the first time ever I started a job and quit it in the same week. It just wasn't a good match. The place wasn't exactly on the up and up if you get my drift, and I just didn't want to be associated with a place like that. Additionally, I start my internship in about 5 weeks so I wouldn't really make that much money anyway during that time with only working about 15 hours a week. I'm not heartbroken over it.

On a wonderful note, I now have my internship officially lined up. I met with the director of Special Education for the school district and she was very open and receptive to me coming into the district to complete my education. It really was a breath of fresh air for someone to be so welcoming. She asked me what age group I would like to work with and where I might feel the most comfortable. Because I did my Bachelor student teaching in a high school setting I have elected to do my Master's internship at an elementary school. It will definitely be different working with the little folks. The school is a lot larger than what I'm used to as well. There are 4-5 classes in each age level of K-4. I met with the principal and vice-principal as well on the same day at the school I will be at. They were both awesome. I can't begin to express how excited I am about my internship as well as finishing up my degree. Now, the only thing I have left to do is decide on what I would like to do for my Scholary Project. It's all coming to an end. I'm super proud of myself! Also, the district has already asked me to make sure I get on their substitute list. After I complete my internship, which should be done around the beginning of October, I will substitute teach until I can apply and get a full-time teaching position.

In the fertility front... tomorrow is CD29 so we will see if AF will show on time or what. I'm not sure if I even ovulated this cycle. PCOS is so frustrating! If my cycle is really messed up and AF doesn't show on time I think I might go back on BC for a couple of months to get things regulated better.

What is going on!?

So this month I'm uncertain if or even when I might have ovulated. This sucks. A lot. I guess I should be used to it because really it's just the same old shit as always, but I really was hoping things would work out after surgery. It was the month for my "lazy" ovary though. I've always had trouble with the one side producing eggs. This just all really discourages me. I really do feel like I went through all of this for nothing. Deep down I know I shouldn't feel that way, but I do. I KNOW that I will have a healthier pregnancy and life now that I'm not overweight, but that's not the main REASON I went through all of this. Life is just a rollar coaster now. Based on a 29 day long cycle I should get my period next Saturday. I guess we will see if it shows up on time. Maybe based on my period I can estimate back to when I might have ovulated. Yesterday I had some cramping in the ovary area. It was CD21 which is late even for me to ovulate. I guess I will know if my period shows up a week late that, that was when I ovulated. I know not to even bother getting my hopes up this month because there wasn't a whole lot of BD to be had. Between me being so sick and the husband getting sick, it just didn't happen too often. Oh well... I'm not sure if being apathetic is better than being depressed, but I'm starting to turn towards just not caring or trying to pretend I don't care.

Patience is a Virtue... MY ASS!

So... Good news and bad news. My period is officially late. I'm still having "symptoms" and my temperature is still elevated. Bad news -- BFN on 10 and 11 dpo. I realize that it probably way to early... but I just want to know. I hate all of this waiting. I was thinking about just going in today and getting a blood test, but decided against it. I don't want my doctor to think I'm crazy... even though I really am going crazy. I have no signs of AF starting. I guess that's a good thing. I have also lost like 4 pounds in the last 4-5 days. I was on a plateau before all this started and was loosing inches, not pounds.

 I hate that it takes so long to know one way or another. I get hopeful... then I POAS and got sad... hopeful again because symptoms are still there then POAS again and depressed again. This is sooooo nerve wracking. I'm ready to just know one way or another. Sunday I will be 14dpo. If I don't have a positive by Monday then I guess I will see about getting into a doctor down in Missouri.

I know I need to get on the progesterone as soon as I find out I'm pregnant. I'm not going to lose another baby do to the negligence of another doctor. So... maybe I'll have some news but the time we get our internet hooked up on Monday.

On a side note: we are moving tomorrow into our new place. I'm mostly excited about it. I'm going to try not to lift anything too heavy just in case. Thayer is also cut off from sex because having sex in your first trimester can cause uterine contractions and make it more possible for a miscarriage. I'm not taking any chances. He has two hands anyways :)

Interesting dreams...

So earlier this month I wrote a blog about having a dream that we were pregnant (Dreams Can be a Cruel Joke). I had this dream shortly after having my period and right before Mother's Day. I didn't really think much of it other than it was a sad dream, and I hated waking up from it because it meant that it was only a dream. Another person stuggling with infertility mentioned that maybe it meant it was going to happen soon. I doubted that that might be true as well. I passed it off as a dream that was conjured because it was what was on my mind before I went to sleep. It was right before Mother's Day after all.


Today, however, my grandma came over and told me about a dream she had last night. She has dreams or visions from time to time. She had a dream where I had a child and the family tree was growing. It is interesting and almost ironic considering everything. A lot of the time her dreams/visions come true. One example was one day she came over and asked if my one cousin and his wife were expecting a baby. My mom told her no, not that we knew of. Less than a week later, my cousin called to tell everyone that they were pregnant. This cousin is on the other side of the family and not related at all to my grandmother. (He is my mom's nephew and this grandma is my dad's mother.)


I just found it really strange that we both had dreams. I'm still having symptoms, though I'm trying to just go with the flow. I've been having some achey cramps. I'm beyond tired. I slept for over 8 hours last night and woke up feeling exhausted. I really want a nap. My breasts are increasing in soreness. It's so hard to not get my hopes really up. In my heart I know I must also be prepared for disappointment. I know I will be okay either way. Life will go on. It would be strange to get pregnant when we aren't even trying after trying desperately for over 2 years. I suppose that's the way things go though.