That Time Again...

Thursday I go back to Bismarck for my 6 week post-op check. I'm going to be sure to talk to them about my energy level. I hope that they will run some labs to make sure I'm not getting anemic or completely dehydrated. I knew it would take a while to bounce back, but working has been really difficult. Even after a 6 hour shift I'm beat and come home and take an hour long nap then go to bed at about 10pm. I want to be able to exercise more, but it's so difficult when I'm worn out from just going to work. Granted, I have a fairly physical job. Taking care of 10 one year olds with one other person isn't always an easy task. Hopefully by the time Thursday rolls around I will be at my 30lb mark. I'm just about there; only a pound and a half to go. I'm trying to think of something to do in Bismarck so I'm not just driving for 2 hours for a 30 minute appointment then driving another 2 hours home. I think I'll hit up Petco. I can't/refuse to do any clothes shopping. Lots of people keep telling me that I need to go out and just buy new clothes (some of the ones I have are starting to look baggy and not so hot). If I go out and spend money on new clothes I'll just have to do the same thing again in a month or two. That adds up to a lot of money REALLY fast. I think it's pointless to go buy new clothes at this point. Not when I have another 70+ pounds to go until my goal. I think it would be awesome if I met and exceeded my goal. I really really want my weight to level out around a year mark of post-op. As soon as my weight stabilizes we can go back to TTC. Time will tell I suppose. There's no way to hurry it up. I just gotta keep doing what I'm doing.

In other news... (yes... the following paragraph is bitching)
I just want to say that it REALLY REALLY annoys me when people say they are going to do something then don't do it or don't show up. It's rude. If you say you're going to do something then do it. It's not that difficult. I also am extremely annoyed by people who are CONSTANTLY late. Late for anything, work, get togethers... etc. What makes them think they're more important than everyone else? It just seems that way. Oh look... I'm more important so you have to wait around on my slow ass. I was always taught... if you're early your on time, if you're on time you're late. lol ok... that's enough bitching for tonight.

Judgmental Much?

One thing I'm finding is how judgmental people are of individuals that have had weight loss surgery. I guess it kind of goes along the same lines as people being judgmental of those that are overweight. Everyone assumes that people are overweight because 1. they're lazy, 2. they have no self-control, 3. they don't eat healthy and eat mostly junk food.... The list of assumptions goes on and on. People don't stop to consider there may be a medical condition underlying their weight. It could be a thyroid issue. It could be PCOS, which is an endocrine disorder. It could be any variety of different reasons. I'm not denying there are overweight people that are lazy, have no self-control, and eat nothing but crap. That, however, is not the case for everyone. For over a year I ate between 1500 and 1800 calories. I also tried to, more often than not, eat healthy foods. Lots of fruit/veggies, good protein, whole grains.... etc. Additionally, I exercised on top of having a fairly active job. I guess if you want to call that lazy and lacking in self-control then go right on ahead and do so.

Now I'm finding there are people that judge those that have gastric bypass in the same negative light. People think it's the easy way out. (Not so.) People think that those that have it are again, lazy. (Not so.) Some people don't have any other option. Some people work their ass off to lose weight, like me, and have NOTHING to show for it. I wish some people could take a minute to get off their high horse and step down to earth and take a walk in someone else's shoes for a change. Maybe I never should have started writing about my surgery journey. Maybe I should have just kept it all a secret and just let people assume I was losing weight the old fashioned way (which didn't work for me). It's so annoying to have people look down on you. It makes me sad.

Yay for Mommy Time!

So I've been on a bit of blogging break. My mom got here Tuesday night and we've been having fun hanging out. I love my mommy and I can't wait until this summer so I can live closer to her and the rest of my family (well... some of them.) Admittedly, there isn't a whole lot to do around here, but we're definitely making the best of it.

Things are going great surgery wise. I still haven't had any problems with any food. I'm still losing weight. I've been pretty tired as of late. I usually take a nap everyday. I really have to start stopping that. Part of it is because I haven't been able to get all my vitamins filled because they don't carry them on base and I forget to take them into town with me when I go.

It's Been One Week (Almost)

Tomorrow will mark one week since my surgery. In the last week I have lost 9.4lbs. Pretty nifty huh? Part of that is the surgery and part of that is the only thing I'm consuming is apple juice, water, chicken broth, and jello. mmm yummy right? Tomorrow will be a big day for me. I get to start eating pureed food (think baby food). I'm so ready to have something more. Since surgery I haven't felt hungry and that seems really weird.

Surgery Story!

So I checked into the hospital Tueday night just after midnight. They required me to take a shower with their "special" soap to prep me for surgery the next morning. They then went over a lot of information and I signed a lot of papers.  The nurse also started my IV which took 2 pokes in my left forearm and digging around... when that was no good then poked the top of my hand by my wrist. They also weighed me. This took a while. I finally got to sleep around 3am. Sleeping was pretty difficult because I was anxious, worried, etc.

Wednesday morning around 9am a nurse came in and told me they would be down in a couple of minutes to take me to surgery. Sure enough about 10 minutes later they were there to wheel me down. I kissed Thayer goodbye and off he went to the waiting room. I went to pre-op where I waited around for about 30 minutes before being transported to the OR. They situated me on the operating table, gave me the goofy lalaland shot (if you've ever had surgery you know what I'm talking about) and I was out like a light. The next thing I know I'm waking up in recovery. The nurse asks me how I'm feeling and I told her I hurt. She asked me every couple of minutes how I was feeling and I kept saying that I hurt. Finally she popped off "Well of course you hurt. You just had surgery." If I knew the bitches name..... Anywho, after I was semi-coherent they wheeled me back to my room where Thayer was waiting for me with flowers. Most of the rest the day is pretty fuzzy as I slept most of it. At the end of the surgery I had a catheter, 6 incisions all from 1/2 to 3/4in long between my chest and belly button, and a drain tube coming out of my abdomen.

Thursday.  At this point I'm still on my pain drip (yay for morphine!) I was allowed to get up in my room that day. I sat in the recliner twice for about 30 minutes. I was super drowsy still from the pain meds. I was also able to start on clear liquids again.

Friday. Today was a rough day. They came and took my catheter out so I now had to get up to go to the bathroom. Getting up when lying down when you have your stomach cut open in 6 places isn't exactly a joy ride. They also took my morphine drip away and I was required to get up and walk laps around the halls at least 4 times. It was a painful day. I also started to spike a fever which by the end of the day had gone back down.

Saturday. I got to go home! I was doing well with my liquids. So they sent me on my way at about 11:30am. We stopped in Minot at CVS to fill my pain meds and other prescriptions. By the time we got home (I think Thayer chose the bumpiest road in Minot) I was almost in tears with the pain. I laid down on the couch and that's where I've been pretty much since.

Today - Tuesday again! :)  If I'm sitting or partially reclined I can get up on my own with little to no pain. If I'm laying down I still need help from the husband with the *big* (giggle) guns. (If you know my husband you know how not big his guns are). I've been doing good keeping my liquids down. I've only had a few bouts of nausea and that is mostly when taking my medications.

Anywho... 6 days post op and I'm already almost down 10lbs. I'm ready to get out and get moving again but I know the healing process will take a bit.

On a super awesome side note!!! My MOMMY is coming to visit me at the end of the month. I'm super excited to see her. I know it hasn't been that long since I was home in July but sometimes a girl just needs here mommy and after having my stomach cut apart and flip flopped all around and put (kinda) back together I deserve some momma time!

Turning on the Light

Better to light a candle than to curse the darkness. ~Chinese Proverb



Turn your face to the sun and the shadows fall behind you. ~Maori Proverb


I'm really trying... DESPERATELY trying to find the good in life right now. I cried for the first time in about a month tonight. I started spotting so my hopes and dreams of becoming a mother now must be shelved for almost two years. For almost two and a half years we have worked, cried, timed intercourse, cried some more, had invasive procedure after invasive procedure.... all in hopes of becoming parents. I've watched countless people forge ahead with their dreams of becoming parents while I'm left just waiting in the wings crying. Now I know I will have to endure this pain for another 2 years without any hopes of becoming pregnant. We can't even try. It's hard to put your dreams on a shelf and just forget about them. It's hard to walk away from something you want so badly. It's hard to watch other's living YOUR dream... and it's especially hard to watch those people who really shouldn't be parents (for whatever reason) living your dream. It's hard to tell you're husband that you failed once again. That's what I feel like. Every month I get to feel like a failure, like I'm not worthy of my husband's love because I can't have his children. How will I go on? How will I keep my head up throughout all of this? I have NO idea. I really don't know where to even start. I guess I just have to keep looking at the positive. I have never, ever been an optimist. In fact, I've been a pessimist for as long as I can remember... so I guess I will have to turn over a new leaf as well.

Temp Still Up... we'll take that as a good sign!

So... We're in the middle of the waiting game once again. Did the Clomid make me have a good egg? Did Thayer's little Airmen (bwahaha he would kill me if he knew I wrote that... but I can't call them soldiers) make there way to my awaiting egg? We find out next Friday or Saturday when AF is due to show up. I've been taking my BBT and it has stayed elevated so I will take that as a good sign. My "normal" temp is 97.9 and I've been running 98.5 since ovulation. I know it is supposed to stay elevated until 10+ days after ovulation but usually mine is starting to drop by now. Today is 9 days past ovulation. Either way... I know over the next few months I'm in for one hell of a ride. If we don't get a BFP, my surgery date is still set for Sept. 7th. (PS you can send me flowers :) I will be in there until the 11th baring no complications. I'm starting to get a little scared/anxious/nervous about it now. It's really scary being up here and having this done with just Thayer. As much as I love him... he's not my mommy. I know he'll try his best... but y'all know how men are sometimes. Anywho... cheers to high temps!

I Raped My Husband... bwahahaha

So today is cycle day 17. I ovulated today. Got an almost positive on the OPK, but I felt it in my side that I did ovulate. That's the one nice thing about feeling like I got stabbed with an ice pick. I know exactly when I ovulate or if I ovulate each month. But really... it does hurt.  lol Thayer claims (jokingly) that I raped him and emotionally scarred him because I (semi) made him have sex today. I mean, unless I was on top it isn't rape right? Not like I had to tie him to the bed! Sorry if all this is TMI... oh well... a lot of my blogs are.

So, now the waiting begins. We will know in approximately 14 days if I am pregnant this cycle. If I am not, then I go through with gastric bypass on Sept. 7th. I'm starting to get a little more freaked out about it. I had to write a living will. That was kinda scary.

Thayer's not sure he wants me to get pregnant, which kind of hurt my feelings... a lot. He said he wished we weren't even trying (though a month ago he was completely on board). He is scared that if I get pregnant again that we will lose another baby. Don't get me wrong, I'm unbelieveably scared about that scenario as well. He says he doesn't want to put our relationship through that stress if we don't have to. He knows the odds are definitely more in our favor of having a successful pregnancy after surgery. I just wish he could understand my feelings of wanting to give it one last try before having to give up trying for 18 months. I wish he could understand how hard it is and heartbreaking it is every time someone else announces that they are pregnant. We should be parents already, but here we are. I'm taking medicines that make me sick and potentially having a life altering surgery just in HOPES of becoming parents. I mean, what if the surgery doesn't help. What if my PCOS is just as bad? That could happen. There are no guarantees. I just wish I could get something right for once. I just want to do what is best for myself, my husband, my future children... etc. I just don't know what that is at this point. I was probably being selfish trying this one last month to get pregnant. Okay... fine... I was selfish... but after over 2 years of trying I think I deserve to do one thing that I want.

Okay... onto other things in the world of Mary. I have a job interview Monday afternoon that I'm super excited about. I really really hope that I get it because I'm so sick of working at the Child Development Center here on the AF base. This new job will allow me to work with kids with special needs. That's something I'm passionate about. I'm also officially 3 classes away from completing my Master's in Special Education. If I get this new job I will probably postpone finishing school and graduation until December 2012... but if I don't get the job I will quit at the CDC (if possible) in January so I can complete my internship (aka student teaching). If I do this, then I will graduate in May 2012. Lots of possibilities on the horizon for me. I'm almost through all of the hoops to get both my Missouri state and North Dakota state teaching certificate.

Caution: Big Changes Ahead

So, today ended with a migraine. Another dose of Clomid goes down the hatch tonight. I only have 2 more doses left (Thank goodness). I'm sick of feeling sick. Work was kind of rough today. I was in an infant room all day. We had 3 babies that were 6 weeks old... yep, doesn't that sound like fun.

Last night I was thinking about how life will be so different a month from now. Either way, no matter what happens, my life is headed for big changes. I will either get pregnant (and hopefully stay pregnant) or I will go through with my surgery and will be a completely different person physically. I won't look the same. I will feel completely different. Hopefully it will have a great outcome either way.

So... here's to big changes!

Cha Cha Cha Changes...

So I think I've changed my mind about my surgery. I still want to have weight loss surgery because it will greatly help in my ability to become pregnant and maintain the pregnancy. The heavier you are the more likely you are to have severe complications, miscarriage, and this is on top of my ability to even get pregnant. I now believe, after having my psych eval yesterday, that I would like to have a regular bypass surgery instead of just the Lapband. It would be the difference between losing 50lbs and not losing that weight. The more weight I lose, the better, in my mind. Thayer's okay with it. He was just worried about how I would feed the baby after the surgery because he knows I would be able to eat very very little. There is lots of research about women who have had it and then become pregnant. There are special precautions that have to be made, yes, but it's not horrible. So... I think I've made my decision and I will be the skinniest I've been since elementary school. That makes me hella excited. Hopefully one year after surgery I should be down to only 140lbs! After surgery, it is recommended that I wait at least 18 months before TTC again... and that sucks :(  That sucks... A LOT... but I guess in the end it will be worth it to have healthy normal pregnancies and healthy normal babies.

For those of you that are interested, I haven't pee'd on anything yet. I'm waiting a few more days before I test just in case I ovulated late. Also, before surgery Thayer and I plan to do one more round of Clomid and see what happens.

Me.... Me... Me... Mememememememe

Do you ever get annoyed by those people who only ever want to talk about themselves? Those that are only concerned with themselves and what is going on in their life? The ones that never stop to consider the feelings of others?

Really... instead of asking "hey, how did your surgery consult go?" they start talking about themselves and bitching about mundane crap... or crap they know will hurt me.

There is a reason I do the things I do. I'm in self-preservation mode.
---If you've hurt me once, twice, three times, I'm done. I'm not going to continue to be hurt by you.
---If you lie to me, then we're done. I won't be your friend anymore. I don't need friends like that.

I'm sick of selfish people. I'm sick of giving giving giving only to have it shoved in my face. My breaking point will not be pretty, you can be assured of that, and if I keep getting pushed you can bet your sweet ass I will reach that point very soon.

Now that I have that off my chest, I will dispatch the knowledge I gained today at my surgery consult.

I have made the life changing choice to have weightloss surgery, as many of you already know. I am going to have a Lap-Band put in late this summer in hopes of semi-correcting my PCOS and making it easier to get pregnant among other things. I gained a lot of knowledge about what to expect in the coming few months. I already need to being my special pre-surgery diet which consists of 40-60g of protein a day and no more than 1500 calories. The 1500 calories thing will be cake because that's what I usually eat anyways. I will have to drink protein shakes for the protein intake. There was information about pre-op and post-op. I was given a whole binder of information. The place I am going for surgery is considered a "Center of Excellence" so that's good. I was supposed to go in for my psych eval (requirement of surgery) tomorrow, but because of the threatened flood, the appointment was cancelled.

On to another note. Minot is expected to hit record flood stage starting Thursday and into the weekend. The water will be several feet over what the dikes can contain. It is a horribly sad situation. 10-12 thousand people have been evacuated. Minot is centered around the river valley, all of which will be under several feet of water in the coming days. We're safe because we live up north on the AFB. I would much rather be out helping fill sand bags instead of going to work tomorrow for 6 hours, but I guess watching the children of the Airmen so they can help or evacuate is helping in some way. Any contribution helps at this point. I wish there was more that I could do. As of right now FEMA says they will provide NO assistance to Minot and it's residents. That's just effed up in my opinion.

Daddy Day

So, today was Father's Day. I spent most of the day sleeping and sick. Yay for sinus infections! It wasn't as hard as I thought it would be because being sick, I almost forgot. Thayer had to work this morning. I also lit a candle for our angel baby. I hope he/she knows how much we love her and miss her. It's been almost 3 months since the miscarriage. Some days are still better than others. It's getting better... slowly but surely... I think. I'm not sure I'll ever be the same. Everyday is a new day I suppose.

Tomorrow night Thayer and I leave to go to Bismarck. I have an appointment with the surgeon early Tuesday morning. Then I have my psych eval Wednesday. Once that is done the paperwork will be submitted to Tricare for approval. Not sure how things will go Tuesday. We will set a preliminary date for surgery.

Tee-Gee-Eye-Eff

Thank GOD it's FRIDAY!

It has been a LONG week. The last 5 days have seemed like they've lasted a month. I don't really know why. Just going through some personal issues I think. I'm pooped today! This week my schedule changed from 9a-6p to 6:30a-3:30p. I'm not really a morning person so the switch has been a little rough. Other than that, Father's Day is this weekend, which is a downer. There have also been more than a couple of pregnancy announcements, people bitching about being pregnant, and people having babies.

Right now I would be 19 weeks along and getting ready to find out what we were having... but instead I have an empty uterus and consequently I will have empty arms. Grrr this sucks so hard. I don't know why this one of the hardest losses I've had, but it is. Some days I'm better and some days it's like it happened yesterday. It's an up and down emotional rollar coaster and there are constant reminders everyday that I'm not going to be a mother this year. Part of me really wants to try one more time... ONE more time... ONE more chance before I have surgery. I'm not sure when my surgery will be exactly, probably August or the beginning of September. I know we won't be able to try in July because I will be gone when I'm supposed to ovulate... but what about August. Will I have time for one last ditch effort? Should I even try one last time before I go in for surgery? I do have one more refill of Clomid... I just don't know anymore. I really need someone to point me in the right direction.

Tuesday is my first appointment with the surgeon... we'll start looking at dates and other things. He will submit my information to Tricare for approval for surgery. After that we wait for approval. Once the I'm approved a pre-op appointment will be made and my surgery date will be set. I guess we'll see what happens and I'll go from there. Tricare usually takes 2-6 weeks to approve someone for the surgery.

Bumpy Road

This last week has been pretty bump. I've been especially moody and so has Thayer. Two moody people make for an unhappy household. Hopefully things get better soon. I've had it up to my ears with everything. I know part of my moodiness is from being on and just getting off of my period. There were other things that just made this week hard. It just seems that everywhere I look there is a reminder that I'm not pregnant, that I'm not going to be a mom. Facebook announcements... people who started trying after me who got pregnant and had a baby and are now announcing their second pregnancy... while I'm still waiting on baby #1.

I hate how bitter and angry I am at God. I believe in God. I'm an Agnostic Theist. I believe in a higher power. Right now I just believe that He, whoever He is, is cruel and heartless. He's unfair and unjust. He's and Indian giver (I knowm not politically correct). He lets good people, genuinely great people suffer while people who are horrid get everthing their little heart desires. He doesn't give things to those that deserve it, but instead rewards those who don't. I know all that I've just said will probably make some people angry. Heck, it might even make some people not want to be my friend anymore. So be it. I thought I believed in Karma, you know... that you reap what you sew. I'm not so sure anymore. I've been doing lots of good things with my life. I always have. I volunteer. I help people out.... but where is any of it coming back to me? What have I done in my life so horrible as to deserve this punishment of infertility?

To top it off, other things in my life have become complicated and just weird. I'm so ready for my vacation and to get away from Minot for at least a little while. I need a break from everything, and honestly it can't come fast enough.

On a better note, the clinic on base got my records sent down to the surgeon. I go for my first consult on June 21st. I hope that Thayer will be able to go with me. On the 22nd I go in for my Psych eval that they make everyone have prior to surgery. The first consultation with the surgeon will be pretty basic. After they get that information and the info from the consultation they will submit it to Tricare and wait for approval. We will also discuss potential surgery dates because they will have a pretty good idea how long it will take Tricare to approve me for the surgery.

Well... Hello There

So... once again it is that time of the month. AF reared her ugly head today. (See... I knew I wasn't prego!) My cycle was only 33 days, which isn't that bad considering my PCOS and this is only my second period since the miscarriage. At this point, if I weren't going ahead with the surgery we would start thinking about going on Clomid again to try and get pregnant because we would be "cleared" to do so. But, since I'm going to have surgery and lose weight... we won't be technically trying anymore for a while. We aren't going on birth control... but for the first time in TWO YEARS we are going to be able to have sex when we want it not when my ovaries say we can have it. That feels amazingly liberating.

I'm supposed to call the clinic tomorrow and speak with a lady who will get my medical chart sent to the surgeon ASAP! So hopefully in the next month I will be able to have my consult, then get Tricare approved (takes a few weeks... 2-6). Then, once I'm approved they will set my surgery date. Usually the date is set about 4-6 weeks after your approval. I'm starting to get excited about it. I'm so ready to go out and buy new clothes and just be... healthier. I'm ready to fit in my old jeans again from high school. (Yes, I still have a few pairs lingering at my parents house in a bin.) I'm no longer scared of the surgery. I will only be under anesthesia for about 20 minutes. I will more than likely get to go home that day. The last time I was under anesthesia it made me pretty sick. I'm hoping that doesn't happen because it's a 2 hour ride home from Bismarck to Minot. I pray that Thayer will be able to take some leave so he can help me the first day or two after surgery. I will probably be out of work for a week. If everything goes okay then I could come back a week after surgery but I would have a weight limit. I'm hoping that I can get it done in August or September. That would be ideal for me. 

On another note... I'm sick of Minot's weather. It is ridiculous that it was 40-something degrees on Memorial Day. I'm so jealous of all my friend's pictures that they posted on Facebook of them BBQing and swimming and running around in shorts. This place is soooo miserable 10 out of 12 months of the year. Ugh! I can't wait to be out of here. I really do wish I could just pretend that Thayer is "deployed" to North Dakota and go back home for the next year until he's out of the military. I tease him that I'm going to do that, but I don't think I ever would/could. I'm so glad that he has decided absolutely that he is not going to re-enlist. I could not survive another 4 years here. I think he also plans to go back in and talk to the recruiter about "Palace Chasing" his last year. I really hope he does. I would love love love to get out of here. I had gotten so excited about the prospect of leaving then they yanked the rug right out from under us 7 days before Thayer was supposed to have his final out and start terminal leave. Effing Minot!

Anyways, I think that's all for now. Much love!

Doctors, Late, and Goodbye

So I finally went to the doctor the other day and got everything straightened out in order to be able to send my medical records to the surgeon. There is absolutely no reason I will not qualify for the surgery. I'm glad it's taken care of, kinda. When I went to request my medical records from the base to have them sent to the surgeon they informed me that there is approximately a 45 day wait for copies of records. I think this is utter bullshit. I will be calling or going up to the base clinic first thing Tuesday morning to get it straightened out. I don't have that much in my file. I've probably been the the clinic on base less than 15 times so it really shouldn't take that long to copy. 45 days is a ridculous wait. I mean, I know it's PCS season but the base up here needs some serious quality control.

One to a different subject. My period is now 3 days late from the 28 day cycle stand point. This doesn't really mean anything. I ovulated almost a week later than normal, so from that standpoint I'm not late yet. Also, because of the PCOS and the miscarriage, my body could still be all out of whack. Who knows? I'll wait until I'm truly late then go to the base hospital and have my blood drawn. Once pregnancy is ruled out, which I'm 99% sure will be the case, I will go on Provera and wait for Aunt Flo to rear her ugly head. In some ways I can't help but get my hopes up. I'm still in that mind set. Adversely, I'm also scared to death to get pregnant again. I mean, I know the chance of me ovulating a quality egg all on my own is very slim... but what if I did... and what if Thayer's sperm found it... and what if I'm pregnant?... I'm so sick of living my life through "What Ifs." I hate feeling like I'm never in controls of my body and consequently, my life. It's so frustrating.

Sunday will mark two months since Thayer and I said goodbye to our little baby. I think I've come a long way in the last 2 months. I cry less often; I feel sad less often. Believe me, things still aren't a cake walk by any stretch of the imagination. Someone at work told me that from how I've been the last couple of months, she didn't even know I miscarried until someone told her the other day. I guess I must be a pretty good actress and have figured out how to keep a lot of my emotions hidden. Life is just easier that way.

I'm so glad I decided to start a blog about infertility. It helps me and I hope that in some little way, it helps someone else too. Infertility and pregnancy loss are NOTHING to be ashamed of and hide.

Lastly, I would like to sure with you some pictures of 2 items I bought in memory of Thayer and I's baby. I bought them from Bugaboo Jewelry.

Above: Glass Ornament she personalized for me.   

Below: Sterling Silver Necklace she made with what I wanted it to say. On the back of the middle circle is our baby's "birth" day. 3.29.11 and the crystal is Hope's birthstone.

Changes for the Smaller

So I went to the doctor last week to get some more things done before having surgery. I just gotta do a couple more things then I'll have my surgeon consult. It's basically 10% sure that I will be approved by Tricare. I'm not worried about that at all. Actually, I'm not worried about the actual surgery at all. A little worried about all the changes I will have to make afterward. Liquid diet for a week... baby food diet for a week... and so on. I'm pretty excited about losing weight, and no, I'm not taking the easy way out if people think that. I would love to be back down to the size I was in high school... smaller than that would be amazing. I should lose between 40-60% of my overweight, weight. I'm not going to give numbers... but yeah... I'm excited. I know it probably won't happen until later this summer. I'll be off work for a couple of weeks and then have a weight restriction for a little bit. The weightloss will be a lot more gradual than with gastric bypass. My skin will shrink back better and more naturally than it would with gastric bypass. So... I'm excited.

O is for... OVULATION!

So... I think my ovaries are putting on their big girl panties and ovulating on their own again. No way of knowing if the egg was a good mature one, but hey... one step forward. We aren't trying this month... but we aren't not trying. By not trying I mean we aren't using birth control. The doctor wanted me to for another month because I was still having pain from the MC and I'm still having pain at times from it. I'll probably bring that up with my PCM Monday when I have an appointment before I go meet with the surgeon soon. Fun times. It really sucks to have a sharp stabbing pain whenever you reach your big "O." It only lasts a second... but still it kinda kills the mood ya know? 

I just wish I had a simple life with everything handed to me on a silver platter like some people. Wouldn't life be grand then? I wish I was like some people and could get pregnant the month I started trying... shoot if that would have happened I would have a child over a year old now.

People I know are getting knocked up left and right and it makes me jealous/envious and angry. I know life isn't fair... but damn. I put on a happy face and say all the right things, but inside I'm crying and heartbroken. I dread going to work... I dread going to different events because all people want to talk about is who's pregnant and blah blah blah. Really... I go to things to get away from these things, to get away from my life and my hardships. I think that's why I've become a hermit again. It's way easier to just stay at home than to go out and listen to it all the time and have to go to the bathroom to cry or make an ass out of myself in public.

I'm so sick of listening to people bitch about being pregnant. Get over it already. If you didn't want to get pregnant then there are things to protect against it. Yes, being pregnant makes you tired... it makes you nauseous... so on and so forth... but there are people that would LOVE LOVE LOVE to feel that way. When I was pregnant... every time I felt so tired I could drop after work it was a reminder that FINALLY I'm going to be a mom. Everytime I felt sick to my stomach or I bumped my boob on something and it hurt so bad I almost cried... I took it as a reminder that FINALLY I get to give my husband a child. So instead of bitching all the time... why don't you take it as a reminder that you have something growing inside you that some people would love to have.

I go Monday to meet with my PCM one more time before I meet with the surgeon. I gotta get med refills and a referral to a psychiatrist. They make you see a Psych before hand to make sure you're mentally prepared for the drastic lifestyle changes that you'll be undergoing and so that you're realistic in your expectations. If you don't pass your psych exam... that means no surgery for you. I'm sure I'll have no trouble meeting their standards.

Untitled Randomness

Woosa weekend cancelled... thank you Air Force. The one weekend I really need to forget about things (Mother's Day) and you have to take my husband away from me. I appreciate it. I know I shouldn't bitch because there are spouses to have husband's deployed, etc. but yeah... I hate never being able to make plans or have a life of my own. I feel like I'm dependant upon my husband and it just generally pisses me off.

On a different note... I find more and more as I age that you think you know someone, then BAM they blow your mind. This goes in either direction. You think you know someone then they do something horrible and disappoint you or hurt your.... or you think you know someone and they do something awesome and are a great friend. I suppose this "you never truly know someone" thing doesn't ever end does it? Boy, that really sucks.

Tuesday I mailed off my information packet to the surgeon. Hopefully next week early in the week I get a phone call to schedule my appointment. I really need to call them. I have a couple of questions about how to fill out the medical release forms they gave me to give to my doctors. I also need to know exactly how far back I need to go. I also need to know if I need to meet their standards for surgery (which are the Blue Cross/Blue Shield standards) or if I just need to meet Tricare standards, which are slightly different. I know for a fact that I meet the requirements set up by Tricare... so I hope I can just go by that because I'm really not too sure about BC/BS requirements. I just really really want this to work out. I want to know if it will sooner rather than later. I don't want to put off trying longer than I have to.

This month we are going without birth control. I really don't know how I feel about it. I really don't think I will get pregnant. I mean, in the past, I've had to have Clomid to ovulate mature eggs. I have, in the last 2 years, ovulated on my own, but one of two things happened. 1. Thayer's sperm didn't find it's mark or 2. The eggs weren't mature enough, good enough, etc. I would be FLOORED if I got pregnant on my own. I don't think I want to get pregnant (lol yeah, there's a first for everything) until I know about surgery for sure. I mean, I want the surgery because I know, in the long run that will be the best thing for me and for the babies we will have. If I get pregnant, that means I will never have the surgery, but I'll have a baby. *sigh* double edge sword I guess. I don't know what to hope for... surgery or a baby. I hope that I at least get something I want. I hate playing the waiting game. In the end, I'm going to be one of the most patient people in the world.

I also just realized that today would have been the last day of my first trimester... I hope this gets easier. I'm sick of feeling like an emotional wreck. I don't want to miss my baby anymore. Sometimes I wish I never would have tested and seen the postitive test. Maybe if I hadn't known, it wouldn't have hurt so bad to say goodbye.

Every Limbo Boy and Girl...

Gotta love always being in limbo.

So today I went to the OB/GYN for my miscarriage recheck. Let me tell you how fun that wasn't. Today was supposed to be my first Prenatal appointment so... yeah it started off sucky. The one small miracle that did happen was that there were no... and I mean NO pregnant women in the waiting room. That would have made it ten times worse... one hundred times worse. I mean, the main reason I didn't go in for my last set of blood work at the lab was all the pregos sitting in there. I didn't think my heart could handle going through that again. (No offense to prego people, but really put yourself in my shoes for about 10 seconds and I'm sure you could understand). Today I got to ask my questions and have them answered. I asked him about clotting issues and progesterone. He said he could monitor my progesterone if we got pregnant again if I wanted him to. Which... DUH of course I do. I also asked him if it was normal that I was still having pain when I um... *TMI INCOMING* orgasm. He said it was. My uterus had started stretching to make room for the baby and now it is trying to contract back down to normal size and orgasms cause uterine contractions. This is one of the reasons he would like me to wait for 2 cycles to start trying again. Obviously my body is still healing from the miscarriage. I'm due to start my period in 6ish days and that might not be enough time for my body and could hamper my pregnancy if we were to do a treatment this cycle and have it work. So... we wait... in limbo.

Tomorrow I go to my first visit with the surgeon. It is an information gathering thing. Basically we are waiting to find out more from the surgeon before we decide what we are going to do with our fertility treatments. Ideally, I would like to have the surgery with in the next few months, wait a while, then try getting pregnant because honestly, that is the best option. It takes Tricare usually 6-8 weeks to give approval once the surgeon gathers all the information to submit to them. The surgeon could tell me no he won't do the surgery because we plan on having children in the nearish future. There are many different things that are coming into play, so once again, I am in limbo. Hopefully I will come out of the otherside tomorrow with more information. I mean, there are many reasons I would like to have the surgery.

1. It will help with my PCOS, which increases my chance to get pregnant and REDUCES my chance of having a miscarriage.

2. It will help decrease my chance for so many other life threatening illnesses as I get older.

3. Overweight people are more likely to have miscarriages so, once again, I will be reducing that risk.

4. I'm sick of starving myself and exercising and seeing no results.

I know a lot of people are probably thinking... "she's lazy and just looking for a quick fix." Not true, but believe what you will. I've always been heavy, partially due to genetics, partially due to all the steroids that were pumped into my body as a child for asthma, allergies, etc. I don't over eat (1500 calories a day). I exercise, and I will do more exercising now that the weather is nice. I have an active job (You try keeping track of ten 12-24month old kids). What it comes down to, I'm tired of struggling on my own and I want help. This surgery would be a tool to help me in my weighloss. It's not a miracle worker. I'm not going to have it done and POOF I'll be skinny. No, I will have to watch what I eat; I will have to exercise. So back to what I was saying before I rambled on.

We are in limbo because of the surgery, but I hope that I have some answers before it comes time to try to decide to take Clomid or not.

Answers.... kinda.

So the last few days have brought some answers my way, but I'm still waiting on others. Thayer found out officially that they took him off the early separation list. He will be serving out the last of his enlistment, which is up in July 2012. I'm bummed because I was so looking forward to getting out of North Dakota and going home and starting the next chapter of our lives. Now we're just waiting again. I hate always waiting for my life to begin. I was ready to go home so Thayer could start college and I could start being a teacher... I was ready to get out of North Dakota so I could actually get some quality healthcare when it comes to infertility. I was just ready to get out of this place. I jokingly said that I should just go back home and pretend that Thayer is deployed to North Dakota. I just don't want to be here anymore. It just seems like there is so much bad juju floating around... so many sad memories in this place. I'm just ready to move on with my life, but that all got the brakes put on it. Don't get me wrong, I love my husband, and I'm glad we finally have answers. I hated... HATED being in limbo. I had finally got used to the idea that we were leaving and was making plans, then BAM they change their mind. It sucks that they have the ability to toy with people's lives so much. One thing I was looking forward to getting away from was the horrible drama. I'm tired of being a good friend, only to be walked on. Then, on the other hand, I'm scared to rock the boat. There are a handful of people I know I don't want to be part of my life, but they're friends with so and so and if I don't keep things kosher with them, then it starts like a military wife war. It's bloody ridiculous. I'm sick of people thinking that it is okay to treat one another bad and put others down. We are grown women... I just wanted to put all the cattiness behind me.  Don't get me wrong, there are some wonderful ladies up here, but I'm found out since the miscarriage just who I could and could not rely on... and the results were staggering. Now I guess I just have to settle for going home on vacation in July. I just hope that Thayer will be able to get leave so he can come with me.

As for answers I'm still waiting on, I might get on the 25th. I finally go see the OB/GYN for my miscarriage follow-up visit. I started birth control a couple weeks ago after I stopped bleeding. My PCM said this was okay to do, so I did it. It will kill 2 birds with one stone. It will keep me from getting pregnant while I'm still healing from the miscarriage. It will also make sure my cycles stay semi-normal. Because of the PCOS, I don't have normal cycles most of the time. This will help keep me on track and ensure that I do have a "normal" period following the miscarriage. I also want to talk to the Dr. about going back on treatment after this cycle. I don't want to wait another one. Most things I've read say it is okay to go back to trying after one normal cycle, even though my OB recommends waiting 2. Time is ticking away. One thing I really want to know is... if I started bleeding at 5w4d... then why was the baby I passed 2 weeks later bigger than a 5w4d baby. When I passed the baby *graphic* it was attached to a large clot that was flat and about the size of my fist... and the yolk sak was just smaller than the size of a half dollar. I'm not sure when I ovulated... so we don't really know how far along I was. I just want to know... did my baby keep growing... what could have been going on?

I also go to Bismarck on the 26th to meet with the surgeon. It's just like an informational meeting of sorts to get more information and learn about how to really start the process. While I'm waiting for all that to go through... and I COULD be denied... I don't want to stop my treatments. I mean, I'll stop them once I know for sure I'm having the surgery and I'm 100% certain that it's going to happen. But the approval process could potentially take months. I'm not just going to sit around and wait and put my baby dreams on hold for all those months.